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I KNOW THIS IS VERY LONG, BUT PLEASE IF YOU HAVE THE TIME READ IT,, AND JUST GIVE ME ADVISE, SO I HAVE SOME OTHER OPINIONS OF WHAT TO DO....My daughter has had her few teenager issues. Such as shoplifting, thinking that she had to have sex with this one boy to make him like her. (she has had sex 3 times since turning 13 years old, and not with boy in relationship with) So my daughter and I have always had very communicative relationship and usually she listens to my advise. I have always told her, if you have sex, even if he uses a condom, come to me... and no matter how mad I am. I will not punnish you, but we will talk about it. I did not want her to have to grow up too fast or have to be tied down young. So last year she came to me telling me she had sex, (with whom she wasnt even in love with or in relationship with) so when she told me,,, I took her down and got her the morning after pill and would then sit down and have a talk about it. So finally I get though to her that Yes, I agree in this day and age, you dont wait until married so sex is big issue. But had 500 talks about how if she felt she was going to have sex, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. I felt right thing to do would to say "fine have sex, but make sure with someone you care about and cares about you." (Because that was issue last year) So since beginning of this year, she has been sooooo good, and started dating this boy, which i really like he is just quiet shy boy and she hasnt been in any trouble ... So i am finally ... LIKE YES..MY TALKS FINALLY PAID OFF, I HAVE THIS GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER, AND SHE IS MAKING GOOD CHOICES, ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THINGS BEFORE DOING THEM.. SO HERE I AM SOOOO PROUD...and last sunday night out of nowhere...remind you we spend lots of time together and talk alot... she tells me she is pregnant.. not only just pregnant but almost 5 months and has known since February but was tooo scared to tell me due to my TALKS, consisting of 'I will not get mad if come to me and tell me had sex, and we get you morning after pill''but will **** if you come to me saying your pregnant without coming to me to get on pill or morning after pill''' I thought was doing good mom thing!!!! WRONG.... so what do i do now.... she is 15 years old... She is going to have this beautiful baby, that no way can she or I (being a single mom of three myself) can give this baby a good life.... So I tell myself and talk alot with her about what we are going to do. and that i will support any decision she makes... but that we should try hard to find some fabulous family .. and for her sake, babies sake, and my own... want an open open adoption, now i know nothing about adoptions.. but in my mind.. thinking that if we had like one weekend a month visitations so we were still part of babies life, then baby is okay, my daughter doesn't feel the obivious pain, we aren't screwing up our life financially and just her having to be a grown up mom at 15..so my reasons all make so much sense to me... I can still be this grandma, she wouldnt have the loss/regret feelings, and some family that desperately wants a baby gets one.....SO today is first day I have had time to get online, and even try to research adoption, open adoption. And now I dont know what to do... I screwed up thinking my communication with my daughter was great and telling her I would flip if she didnt try to get help for avoiding this kind of situation that i would *** her butt... (more of the disappoint mom guilt, not that i beat my kids)... and failed that mom test... so now, with being in total complete break down mode last week .. telling her all the reasons it would be hard / horrible / not fair to her or baby / reasons to keep it... and why the good/ better life / not tied down / baby security / making another family finally have their dream / reason to find a family... but still have relationship with that family and this baby... so now she is all on the find family and have visitations -- open adoption,, and all I am reading are all these differant web sites,, that all I am hearing is how these open adoptions go horrible.. and the adoptive parents tell you one thing till get baby then go back on their part of the deal.. and not only that part but how in my thinking this open way would be good for her, good for baby, good for new family, good for our family... but really open is just as hard, due to the loss feeling and having to see child and then leave it... SO PLEASE HELP ME .. ADVISE... I CANT PICTURE HOW MY DAUGHTER AND I WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE THIS CHILD ANY KIND OF LIFE.. (WE BARELY MAKE IT NOW).. BUT CANT BARE THE THOUGHT OF HER BEING HEARTBROKE FOR REST OF HER LIFE .. OR FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS NEW FAMILY AND THIS BABY... AND TO HAVE THEM TAKE IT ALL AWAY.. and to that their is no legal binding contract you can write up stating.... adpt parents agree to visits and all that .. and my daughter / I agree to never try to take child away... so what the .... do i do.... I AM DESPERATE TO NOT RUIN MY DAUGHTER LIFE.... AND I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER WHAT DECISION WE MAKE,,, WE ARE... BECAUSE OF ONE NIGHT AND A BAD DECISION...i would love to give a baby to a family that so desperatly wants to love it...but... do I make another families dream come true, and be unselfish to this child and let it have more then we could offer..... or do I do the mother thing that mothers do... and protect my daughter from that pain.. and just figure out how to raise it....HELP HELP... :grouphug: :thanks:
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No one can tell you what to do. It’s really just one of those things you have to sit back and assess and decide what works best for your family (in this case, I am speaking about your daughter, because only SHE can (and only SHE should) make the decision to parent or place). Here are some facts:Child support, even ordered through the state, is a crap shoot. You may or may not get it. It all depends on the father and his willingness to follow the laws (he could get a cash job, it happens, it happened to me). If the decision to parent is being made because someone has said that “Child support is a law” – then you really need to step back and think about this. Raising a child is a financial obligation – many absent parents never pay a cent of support. If you’re going to parent, be prepared to do it without the support of the father – then if he does man up, great. Teen pregnancy is such a rampant epidemic in our country that many school districts offer some type of services to mothers wishing to continue their education.Adoption, even open adoption, can be difficult emotionally.Open adoption does not make the pain less. Single parenting is perfectly acceptable – there are many single adoptive parents.With drive, dedication and devotion, a single teenage mother can finish school and go on to further her education while parenting.Circumstances change in adoptive families just as they do in biological families. Don’t place a child because you think he/she will have everything he/she could ever want in an adoptive home. Place him or her because you can’t provide the required basics (food, lodging, clothing, emotional support and love).I am a birth mother – I placed my daughter 12 years ago. I would still make that same decision, even with the benefit of hindsight. However, it has not be rosy. Her parents are in the midst of a nasty divorce. Her mother has untreated mental illness that makes it almost impossible for her to parent without some massive supports in place. They lived with me for 3 months. They are what our government refers to as “the working poor” – that is NOT how it was when I placed. The only decision I would change, at this juncture, is possibly her family – but then again – I try not to get caught up in the coulda/woulda’s of it all.I was also a single mother – at the time of my daughter birth, I was parenting my 15 month old son, going to school full time (university) and working a full time job. I guess you could say I’ve seen ‘both sides’ of the coin – and having lived through both, I can honestly say that both were equally hard. If you truly want to support your daughter, let her make the decision and then support her in that. Here is an interesting thread I started a few days ago. It asks adoptive parents how they would respond to their daughter being pregnant. I was kind of surprised at how many replied that they wouldn’t want to see their daughter go through the same pain and anguish their birth mothers had gone through, when placing them. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoptive-parent-support/332369-hypothetical-question-your-daughter-just-told-you-she-s-pregnant.html[/url]There is nothing easy about being a birth parent. There is nothing easy about being any kind of parent – period. Either one will take work – but each one will take a different kind. The decision has to be made between the loss of a child and the loss of a childhood. Only your family can make that decision.
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MyBabyGirl2Young
Consequences of our actions.. Her actions..
You get to decide as to whether you will help her care for this baby or whether you will not..
She decides what she will do or will not do.. She is the one that had sex.. and got pregnant..
If she makes the decision herself.. she will be able to sort herself faster and more better through the years after (if) she relinquishes..IMO
Some of our kids grow up fast.. learn the hard way.. You do the very best you can..
If she decides to relinquish.. watch out for the going too fast.. Watch out for the ones that know best.. Watch out for the hurry.. and the getting into someone way too soon..
You can slow it down.. you do not have to get to know the ones that are going to adopt before the birth.. that is not a hard and fast rule on terms of whether you can get a good OA..
I have met some amazing women (amoms) on line that have done an OA before and after the birth.. they have posted that it is very emotionally draining..
You have time to get to know women such as this.. learn from them..
Pull all the information in and then suggest to your daughter..
Nothing is written here.. nothing..
There is no easy way out of this.. but IMO the baby comes first..
When I relinquished in the sixties my son came first.. I did everything I could in order that he have a good and safe life..
The baby needs a good and safe environment in order to grow and learn and become whole..
The grief from giving a baby up for adoption is something we all have to go through if we relinquish.. There are some wise OA birthmoms here that can help you learn about this.. I had a closed adoption.. I knew nothing till my bson was 35.. In some ways.. I do not think I could have handled an OA.. but.. I believe OA is the way to go… and what I would counsel my daughter.. to do..
You have all the time you need to sort this.. you can slow down..
And watch out for the ones that have an agenda.. This place does not have an agenda.. No one is allowed to approach you in order to get to know you with the end results being they adopt the baby..
Its not allowed and report if it happens..
These are her life lessons.. these are the consequences of her actions.. and you have done the best you could.. the best you can..
Keep telling yourself that..
And if you have a spiritual belief.. pray..
Take your time.. Take as much time you need before and after the birth..
When I had my son the thinking then was I was not to see my son when he was born.. and not to see him after he was born.. it’s the old hiding ones head in the sand.. kind of thinking..
It does not work.. not in my world..
So facing these things and staying calm and doing what is best for everyone is what needs to be done..
I believe that the ones that do the best when relinquishing are the ones that have the baby hold the baby and then make the decision..
She decides.. she has made herself an adult.. you can help.. but she has to make the decision..
Is there any way you can get some council? Therapy?
You can not protect her from her pain.. All you can do is love her.. unconditionally.. and be with her through this terrible difficult time..
And you can love yourself and take care of yourself.. through this terrible difficult time..
I am now forty years after and I have met my son and met my grandkids.. and I am content..
Jackie
.... she is 15 years old... She is going to have this beautiful baby, that no way can she or I (being a single mom of three myself) can give this baby a good life....
So I tell myself and talk alot with her about what we are going to do. and that i will support any decision she makes... but that we should try hard to find some fabulous family .. and for her sake, babies sake, and my own... want an open open adoption, now i know nothing about adoptions.. but in my mind.. thinking that if we had like one weekend a month visitations so we were still part of babies life, then baby is okay, my daughter doesn't feel the obivious pain, we aren't screwing up our life financially and just her having to be a grown up mom at 15..
so my reasons all make so much sense to me... I can still be this grandma, she wouldnt have the loss/regret feelings, and some family that desperately wants a baby gets one.....
SO today is first day I have had time to get online, and even try to research adoption, open adoption. And now I dont know what to do...
SO PLEASE HELP ME .. ADVISE... I CANT PICTURE HOW MY DAUGHTER AND I WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE THIS CHILD ANY KIND OF LIFE.. (WE BARELY MAKE IT NOW).. BUT CANT BARE THE THOUGHT OF HER BEING HEARTBROKE FOR REST OF HER LIFE ..
OR FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS NEW FAMILY AND THIS BABY... AND TO HAVE THEM TAKE IT ALL AWAY.. and to that their is no legal binding contract you can write up stating.... adpt parents agree to visits and all that .. and my daughter / I agree to never try to take child away... so what the .... do i do....
I AM DESPERATE TO NOT RUIN MY DAUGHTER LIFE.... AND I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER WHAT DECISION WE MAKE,,, WE ARE... BECAUSE OF ONE NIGHT AND A BAD DECISION...i would love to give a baby to a family that so desperatly wants to love it...
but... do I make another families dream come true, and be unselfish to this child and let it have more then we could offer..... or do I do the mother thing that mothers do... and protect my daughter from that pain.. and just figure out how to raise it....HELP HELP... :grouphug: :thanks: