Re: When a Baby Leaves...

JJ...I'm happy for you about your little girl. Did you somehow know on some level that she would be yours? I wonder if there is some sort of knowing that we have intuitively about those who will stay. How many placements did you have before you had your "forever child?" I want to foster for a long time...but I cannot wait for the time when I have already adopted and just am doing it to foster.

...I hope I am able to get back into the swing as you did.

That is extremely difficult...and I have to say, I have been extremely lucky with my first placement and the kinship family that was chosen. I met her via phone at first and then we met at a restauranth with her children...then for overnight and a weekend visit before transitioning. Her children were so adorable and well behaved that it spoke to me about her parenting. I felt completely reassured about them; however, I loved this child like my own and they have five children already. That was the difficulty. They are his kin, and I understand that. But, in my heart, he is my family. It's difficult. The kinship family was very generous and offered to keep us in their family. They invited us to dinner on Friday but I had to decline. 2 Days is too soon after him leaving to sit on my hands and watch someone else be mommy to my child (in my heart). I had hoped she understood this. I asked if we could exhange addresses and maybe meet up once a year and possibly get a photo of him. I thought this was best, because I didn't think I could come in and out of his life so casually. Maybe in time, I would think differently on this and asked if we could revisit it at some later date. I have not heard from her since he was placed with her. So, I don't know if she changed her mind or if she is just giving me space because of the loss. We spoke on the phone several times for an hour at a time before her placement. Now, I haven't rec'd a call to let me know how is doing. I don't know what to think.

I left a message for the kinship mother...and she just called back. She said that my foster son was fussy the first day but has completely adjusted. I am so glad for him and them....but it is so difficult still for me. I know I don't him to not adjust...I just want him to be mine. It's hard. If I had to lose him, I feel comfortable losing him to them. I just wish I didn't have to lose him. She said she felt guilty because she knew how hard this is for me...and because she has five kids (and I have none). But, I told her not to...because if it weren't for her, he would go to another family member (and possibly not as suitable). I don't want to stand in the way of what God's plans are for him. I just don't understand them right now...I'm sure I will in time. It hurts so very much right now.

That's the most insensitive thing I've ever heard! After all, it may have "only" been 5 1/2 months, but it was is WHOLE LIFE (so far). ((HUGS))) - I'm sorry for your loss. :-(

I am about to be in your shoes soon. Please update - give me hope I can survive. My little one is 4 months and I picked him up from the hospital at 3 wks, he was a preemie. Like you I am anxious that he will be among "strangers" (to him anyway) and be scared, and wonder, where I am? :hissy:

It's hard. The first day I was stoic with a lot to do. I did what I had to do and knew that God was in control. If this was his plan for this child, I needed to accept it and I did. I still missed him and still miss him now. I am waiting to hear back whether he will come back to us at present. I will update as soon as I know more to tell the continuing story. Please pray that everything will work out in the best interest of this child.

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes just knowing that someone else understands where you are and what you're feeling helps. I am delighted that you are able to maintain contact. It was very wise and very loving of you to allow the time for your little guy to become his new family's little guy. He's a lucky boy to have 2 moms who love him.

My first loss through foster care was at age 12. My foster brother, whom my parents recieved at 2 mos and cared for with the intention to adopt until age 2 1/2 was returned to his mother the same week we were to fianlize his adoption. As a family we had coped through his drug withdrawl, his developmental delays and learned to deeply love someone not of our flesh. The experience left scars on all of us but some of us chose to cope differently. My mother and I continued to love and bond with each child that came our way, my father so hurt by the loss has never been able to fully give his heart over to another foster child yet, and my bio bro and sis were so scarred they felt they were betraying our lost brother when the opprutunity to adopt another foster child came along. While my dad still does a wonderful job parenting the "lost boys" (teenagers) that they continue to foster I sometimes feel he is missing out on one of the best parts of raising kids, loving them without condition. My bio bro and sister deeply regret not adopting (in our family it is always a group decision) the child that came after our lost brother and they realize how much pain they caused him and themselves (they truly loved him but were unable to admit it at the time). Someone wise (I am unsure who) once said "it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" While it is hard to imagine that now, someday you will see how much loving him has done for you and him and I hope you chose to continue fostering and give your heart fully to every child that comes your way, both of you will benefit. Praise you for choosing to foster in the first place, it is no easy feat and takes courage and emotional stamina the likes of any other condition.

I'm saddened when I read this. How hard this most of been on you and your family. It is so difficult, I think a little more individual discernment should be used by social services and judges regarding the child's welfard. How could giving the child back at 2 1/2 after he was completely bonded have benefited this child? Couldn't another solution have been made such as...allowing the family some contact while remaining in his family of origin (you). This is what saddens me a lot. I want so much to be able to be a selfless foster mom...but I have no other children. Giving this child back was like giving my own child over to someone. I do/did like the family so that made things easier for me. I'm not sure I will ever contact with my foster child now. I had initially turned down remaining a part of his life (maybe once a year visit) because I thought it would be best for both of our adjustment. He needed to get adjusted to his new family and me to not being his mommy. We talked a couple times breifly and I had thought she had changed her mind about contact...when she called me to tell me that she called the agency and that he was coming home to me. She told me she felt guilty taking him from a family that loved him and that he didn't need her. I thought she had thought this out and that it was a done deal. I am a new foster mom....did not know a thing. I proceeded to cry and scream as if I had won the lottery. Later to find out that this is not how the process works. Because she felt guilty, it meant that the county would work with her to get counseling because the mandate to find family (first). Meanwhile, I was sent over the moon and landed flat on my face. It was worse than my initial loss since I had never thought that he would be coming home and would be adoptable until she told me. I know she did not mean to hurt by this. It was a bit impulsive. However, it leaves me know without any contact because the county is responding to her feelings of guilt. I never had the impression that guilt was the whole story. I had felt that it was a graceful way to give the child back while doing something very good in the process. I will never blame her for this....but it has been devestating. I miss him terribly and now I'm a bit worried about his bonding. I trust in God. And, I know that this woman and family will ultimately love and care for him if that is what is decided....it just put me through unnecessary pain and heartache. I hope he will come back but place his welfare in God's hands. I know we all have a "soul" purpose and this might be his....it may be with me....I have to see. But now with my broken heart in hand...I need to heal and move on. "Let Go...Let God." I'm not there yet but I'm working hard at it.

My foster brother was returned to his bio mom because she turned 18 and was again pregnant, it was thought that this new child would be of mixed race like him and the judge felt she was better equipped to raise a child of african american decesnt because she lived in that community although she too is white. They believed (I disagree) that she was more "in tune" with the culture and that he could not have effectively be raised by a white family. This was 14 years ago and many thoughts have changed since then. It was very difficult BECAUSE it was the first placement our family had experienced and the loss was profound. But, from experience I can say that You can overcome this and while your FS will always hold a peice of your heart (I know my foster brother still has a part of mine) you will eventually learn that your heart is an infinite thing and grows to meet the needs of however many people you choose to give a little piece to. Nothing but time and a few really good cries can heal this type of grief.

I too am about to lose my baby girl who I have had since she left the hospital at 2weeks. She is now 13 months old. Her Bmom did not even start to see her until she was 10 months old. The Bmom says she has been clean for 7mos. I am so upset. I am the only mother she has known. It was me who rocked her and paced the floor with her 24/7 as she was withdrawling through some horrible 8 months of life. NOW bmom gets 2 hours a week to play with her and never even called and asked how her daughter was for the first 5 months and the judge thinks she can parent now. Sometimes the system just doesn't think about what is best for the child. It seems to only be for the bmom. The Bmom also lies like no one I have ever encountered and the agency knows this yet they don't seem to care. Character doesn't seem to matter. I have been crying ever since they told me to prepare for re-unification. I also have another foster child in my home. She is the bio sister of the foster son I adopted. She is #8 and she doesn't have any of her children but I was recently told she is getting her act together and this too could be a reunification. I don't get it. HOw many chances do these people get? This is the 2nd child for the bmom who has just shown up after 10 months. The first one was born 5 years ago drug addict also. Since this is the first reunification I have been through I am worried that my heart will not be able to care for another foster child. There is absolutely no way to look at this possitively. My case worker says don't worry children are resileant, she won't remember you. How heartless can they be. I know I am a foster mom and the idea is always to reunite when parents are able to take care but I guess I just didn't realize how hard it would be when the time came. I know God will take care of her. I hope that in the future maybe we could find out how well she is doing. We will miss her. Hopefully God will heal our hearts quickly.

It has been four months now and I still feel a sense of loss for him but it is tolerable now. I was blessed with knowing he was going to a nice family and would have brothers and sisters close to his age. The county called me three or four times with other placements and I said no. The first call was a week after he left....two little girls. I was called again about them a month later. The other foster home thought they were too much for them to handle with the other children they have. I did it relunctantly....my heart was still in grief at that time. I have to say getting back in the swing of things helped but didn't. The goal of reunification is not always the best thing for the children. With these girls...they are difficult...the goal is reunification with their sister...their parents are incarcerated. They had been neglected by her and will be returned. I don't understand the system and feel unprotected and under-appreciated in the whole process. It is a completely selfless job. I think this will be my last foster care placement. I will go forward to adopt a child that is waiting to be adopted next. But, this by far has been an extremely difficult case for me. Here's my take...as hard as it was to lose my first placement...A ... my little sweet baby boy. It is true that he will not remember me. They are resilient. Thank God. They adjust but it is not as easy as the agency makes out. But what consoled me was that you placed the loving foundation for this child....no matter what happens .... that computer chip has been installed by you. They may not remember consciously....but on some level they do (it's just pre-verbal...etc.). I also console myself with....God has a purpose for us all....a soul purpose. Perhaps, it was this soul's purpose to take this road...whether we like the road or not. I don't see the full-picture, God does. It helped me somehow to think I was meant for this peice alone. Same with the girls. Although, I am feeling more discouraged right now. The first few days were horrible...then I would have spells out-of-no where. What made things worse for me was that the kinship mother called and told me that she was giving him back. Then the agency stepped in and helped her to keep him because that is their mandate. Family. I think cases should be looked at individually....some things can not be so standardized that that the lose the baby with the bathwater. I pray for you...that will be hard...I don't know if you rely on God...and purpose ... that helped me. God bless you.

Also remember for the months you had him you sowed some very important seeds for him and we can pray that they stick.

Thank you for all your support when my first foster son left. I had him from birth to 5.25 months. I was devestated at first and then got a call a few weeks later from his kinship mom saying she was returning him. She said she had told the county. Well, this created a lot of hoopla with the county. I was very green at the time and did not know how the system worked. I think she was as well. They asked for no more contact, try to get her counseling, etc...because she was telling them that she felt guilty removing him from a perfectly happy family when she already had five children. She only wanted to take him if he didn't have anyone. They ignored her pleas. It was a very sad time for me. Because I didn't quite understand the mandate for family and now I do. In hindsight, I realize the county had to do what they had to do. They have judges etc. that they have to account to. And, as long as she was unable to say she didn't want to care for him or felt unable they could not after such short time give him back to me. At the time, however, I felt they were very cruelly insensitive to my loss and did not even recognize how this had cause my loss to be newly triggered. They just kept calling with other placements. Again, I felt that they were trying to fill my home so he couldn't come home. Now, I understand things better and don't look at it as synically. However, it was a grief-filled hard time for me and I felt very misunderstood by the county....as if I had done something to cause this disruption, which I know I did not. The update is a month ago, I, again was called several times (before I had the courage to pick up) by his kinship mother. I finally did and she told me she was not going forward with adoption. She told me that her adoption mgr. says they usually go back to their foster mom's and she didn't think family would come forward. She was guarded in what she said as I was to her .. after our last experience. It's been a year now. However, I cannot rejoice because it's been a month now and the county has not called me or encouraged me in anyway that he might come home to us. After two weeks, I wrote a letter of intent to adopt and have been directed to get an update on my family profile. I have tried several times to contact people there to get this update but no one is returning my call or emails. Here's the thing. It wasn't my fault that she called me initially to say she was returning him (I did not encourage it...in fact, I asked for less contact so that he could adjust) and I certainly did not initiate the most recent calls and emails she sent. She is a good woman trying to do what's best for him and I'm trying to remain open and positive that he might return home. However, it is not clear that he will. The county is doing what the county needs to do and I'm trying not to take it personally, but I wonder if they are blaming me somewhat for the disruption which couldn't be farther from the truth. I just don't know what to think. Again, I'm feeling a bit misunderstood. Because I'm so in the dark with how they are feeling and what they will do. I'm praying and hoping for the best. In the end, it's up to God. I will move on...but someone had asked if they come back...sometimes more than once and you still don't get them. I don't know the end of my story yet. It's been a bumpy road...I hope for the best for him....and I hope for God to give me the grace to accept his will in this. I love this child so much even though a year has gone by since he left. He has delays and may be autistic....none of that matters to me...only that he comes home. Please say some prayers for all involved..that the best possible solution for him if arrived at....my hope is that it is us.