How do we educate without coming off as attacking?

I use quotes all the timebecause I feel it is important that posters know exactly what I am addressing. It could be the journalist in me, but it is also helpful to me when people directly address a statement I've made. Part of the problem in any writing is that you don't hear the other's tone. Don't really know how to address that one.

I think it's all about HOW things are said/written. I think alot of snark is wrapped up in an "education" cloak. I've cringed MANY times reading posts from ALL sides of the triad - especially when dealing with newmembers. It's unfortunate, BUT the bottom line is - we are all adults. If you don't like what someone says - you don't have to follow their advice and if you are continually offended, put them on ignore. I don't think it's anything that is going to change.......and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I have a group of friends and I can't tell you a single time where one wasn't perterbed about another......

I think, personally, we need to remember that just because someone's experience differs from yours and they share that experience - that doesn't mean that they are trying to invalidate your experience or that your experience is wrong. I find that I am often told I am 'for open adoption at all costs' and that couldn't be further from the truth. My personal experience is the only measuring stick by which I can measure. I often share, based on my experiences and doing so is not an attempt to belittle others or render their experience void or less than my own. I think too, we tend think people who share their opinions and experiences are attempting to ‘convert’ us or change our method of thinking. I try very hard not to allow others to make me feel bad, angry, upset, hurt (insert emotion here) by sharing an opinion that differs from mine. I am not here to coddle or give unbridled support to others, whom don’t share my views. I am here to share my experiences and thoughts on the topic of adoption – and I know, regardless of how I feel about my experience, there will always be those who disagree with me. I think, instinctively, we feel threatened by others who have views that differ from our own. In our circle of friends, we chose to associate with people who tend to share our same interest, similar passions and similar views. That isn’t the way it is on a forum. You open yourself up to opinions and thoughts from all sides – and you’ve got no control over who replies or responds to your ‘laying your heart on the line’. I will be the first to admit that, at times, we could all use a lesson in democracy when it comes to addressing things that push our buttons…or correcting a perceived wrong. I am not omitted from that group of people either. There are times when I reply emotionally to topics which are very close to my heart. Most people know what those are… :)I don’t know. I think the biggest way we can educate is by remembering that people here (aside from a few ;) ) aren’t here to hurt you, push your buttons, irritate and enrage you – if you feel you NEED to respond to something that is an emotional trigger – do so with kindness and respect.

i think we also have to remember that some of us who are well past the beginning stages also make mistakes...and that alot of times the things we say are not said to be hurtful or degrading, but really there are alot of rules in adoption...sometimes it is hard to remember them all or be up on all the latest terms. sometimes we just slip up, other times different people like different terms. it is alot to keep straight. i think what is helpful to me, is when someone pm's me and says, "hey, just so you know, the pc term is "whatever"...not everyone uses it, but it seems to be preferred. i thought you'd just like to know." however, i also acknowledge that won't work for everyone. i know i am SO guilty of the birthmom/firstmom label before TPR...but honestly, this is not something you learn in adoption class...it is something you learn from firstparents. i learned it bc a firstmom here took the time to explain it to me....and still, sometimes i forget. ok, alot of times i forget. you have every right to be sad about this. you know, i never thought about it like that before. i am sure that you want to get rid of the wrong word used for Expectant moms like i want to stop hearing people ask if these are my "real" children or if i have any of "my own." i know the people who say these things to me are just as ignorant as i am...just in a different subject. there are times that i will educate, and there are times that i get mad. but i guess in the end, i agree we all have the same goal: just today someone asked me loudly in target if when i adopted my middle son (who is nearly 5, and was present) if he "was free." i was floored at the lack of education this person had....especially when i turned to see it was my own 14 year old adopted son. i literally had to explain to him why that was not such a nice conversation to be having. so sometimes, even those of us in the trenches, need a swift kick in the pants when we stop thinking for a minute. me too!

I am an amom and yes, I don't know everything. I came here to get insight on how to deal with emotions regarding a relative adoption. My DH and I had literally one day to decide to adopt. How's that for knowing NOTHING about adoption. We weren't looking to adopt, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball. I have read first mom struggles and adoptive mom struggles and I can empathize with both. I don't usually post in the first parent section because I don't want to come across as an "uneducated" amom. But, the questions posed there have helped me. I do want to become more aware as an amom and I think first moms/dads want to know how the adoptive parents feel. My suggestion is this: Why not start a new section of threads only about open, semi and closed adoption? A place where people can go and know that all sides are open to comment and educate each other. If you feel ganged up on, you do not have to post there. I think that would really help hurt feelings around here.

jjsmom: Don't ever feel that you can't or shouldn't post in bmom forums or threads. As Brandy said, I have learned the best (and hardest) lessons from aparents. I would say I actually learn the most from aparents and adoptees... I can ususually relate to bmoms for the most part. And as far as the uneducated part goes.... LOL - You and me both!!! I have lived adoption since the third grade and am part of a family that has experienced 3 generations of adoption. You would think I would know something but most days I haven't a clue... As TG said: ((( Hugs )))

I agree that we are all here or should all be here for the same purpose. If we all think about it without our children none of us would be here they are the thread that binds us. I thank God everyday for my daughters birth mother and have been trying for years to find her. My daughter was adopted in 1972 in NY and at that time we all know what NY did (closed adoptions) and it takes and act of congress to get those open!!! I have always told my child from the time she could understand how lucky she is to have two mothers that love her. One that loved her enough to give birth to her and wanted her to have so much more in life that she gave her to a lucky woman like me to be her mother. There were books we read from a young age and it's never been an issue on who did love her she knows we both do. As mothers we should unite for our children and YES THEY ARE OUR CHILDREN AS IT TAKES ALL OF US!!!!

I missed this thread when you first posted it Michelle. And in many ways you're speaking directly to me! I am such a snarky little brat sometimes. I've been very guilty of jumping on a new member or two in the past. It's just sometimes you get that gut feeling that its a "driveby" just looking to stir stuff up. Still, I get your message and I for one will try to be kinder...but I love the snark...I have held back the last couple of days in jumping into the frey just for fun...

Speaking as one who became offended by some of the responses I recieved, this is what I think. I learned from that experience to add the disclammer "my opinion". Anyway, I felt my feelings were invalidated most everyone. A few were helpful but I couldn't address them for having to defend myself.They thought they were educating me but really, they had different experiences than mine which didn't mean I was wrong and they were right.I did my best to clarify what I was saying and had began to have a dialogue of understanding, then other people continued to jumped in on the attack wagon. I wonfered if anyone was even hearing me? I never wanted to post again after that. I was new and have only posted one other time. I was hoping for support but the place just seemed hostile. Its hard not to take it personally when you have so much pain that your already dealing with. Before "educating" someone maybe people should just say, "this is what I know" instead of "your messed up" maybe ask someone what their experience is that makes them believe as they do before getting all self rightious about it.

I think it would help greatly if there were less black-and-white, right-or-wrong, good guy/bad guy posts and replies. That is, I think it would help greatly if "support" took the form of empathizing with the feelings of the poster without condemning another party they may be speaking of or making any right or wrong judgments for that matter. It's a given that we're not getting the other side and that there is another side. We can be supportive of each other and affirm feelings without taking their facts or judgments as gospel or, worse, extending them to paint the other party even worse with speculations and presumptions that aren't clearly labeled as such (e.g., "if so-and-so meant..."). The assumptions, judgmental, and good guy/bad guy postings I see seem to cause the most trouble. Besides, I don't personally think it is helpful or supportive to automatically agree that because a poster feels hurt by another's actions that the other person is wrong or a bad guy. I see this A LOT. How does that advance the poster's understanding of or relationship with the other person--who may be feeling equally slighted for their own reasons? Also, disagreeing with someone's else's take on the facts or pointing out how the same situation could be viewed and taken differently, doesn't mean that the person replying is saying the op's feelings are wrong, just that the reason the op gives for their feelings may not be valid--and wouldn't that be good news? Along the same lines, I think it would help a lot if people posting and replying would simply stick to giving opinions about actions, situations, and statements and not making good guy/bad guy judgments of the people involved. I don't see any purpose in such judgments. There is a big difference between an opinion about a situation and a judgment of a person's worthiness. I think it would help a lot if some people wouldn't be so ready and apparently eager to be personally offended by another person's feelings or opinion about a situation. Not liking or agreeing with another's viewpoint doesn't mean their viewpoint is "offensive" and therefore invalid in some way. Especially when some posters new and not new to adoption truly wonder about or are stumped by some of the perspectives they find here. Questions should be encouraged--no one should be told that simply wondering about something means they have poor character. Finally, I think it would help a lot if people would read what is written, not into it, and take clarifications at face value instead of challenging them or ignoring them. Especially, I do not like it when another poster twists a post to fit their own agenda and consequently unfairly attacks that poster personally in the process. This has happened to me and I have seen threads closed because of the escalation this pattern of behavior causes. Oh, not finally. On the subject of closed threads, sometimes I wish there were a way moderators could suspend those stirring the pot in an offensive or aggressive way from just that thread without closing an otherwise dynamic thread, but that might be too difficult to judge, IDK (or maybe they already do, and I just don't know it).

We do try to do this...we really do. Typically our first attempt is to post a reminder and then we do try to do thread "bans" where certain members of that discussion are not allowed to post. What generally ends up happening in some of the most heated threads is that more people are involved than not. So if we do a thread ban on say the 5-6 people causing the problems, it pretty much means the whole thread is dead anyway so it is easier to just close the topic. However...point duly noted and we'll work on this.:)

One thing that I've noticed is that a poster will post about a personal situation, pouring her heart out, and the first post to respond doesn't even acknowledge her post but instead points to one word that should be changed. If someone is posting a response and truly interested in the OP, and then they can add an "oh, by the way...", I think the suggestion would mean more and be more likely to be followed by the OP. Otherwise, it seems as if some are just monitoring the posts looking for offensive terms, which I don't believe they are. Sometimes it's hard to know if a post is something you have anything to add to until you've opened it, then there's the offensive term just begging for a response - maybe in those instances a PM would be best? A "saw your post and just wanted to let you know..." kind of thing? At times, posting does feel like walking on eggshells, and some things I can't even post about, even though they are very real issues to adoption in my personal circumstances. Maybe it would help if there was at least one forum for each party in the triad that could only be for that party - for those posts that are just too touchy?

Just had another thought.. Is there a list of acceptable abbreviations/terms for all members to use? Could also include things like "before TPR, it's emom" etc. Then someone only needs to say - read the sticky.

Jren - If you click on the "Quick Links" up towards the top in the tan bars, there is a "Acronym" list that does have a lot of the abbreviations & terms.:)

Thanks crick! This will save me tons of time b/c alot of times I write the whole word rather than use the wrong abbreviation.