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Hello, everyone. I have a problem regarding adoptees/birth families that doesn't seem to be commented on much (at least, I couldn't find much using the search function), so I'm hoping that I can get some desperately needed help.
My wife was adopted as an infant in 1966. Her birth parents later married (divorced a few years later) and she has 2 full birth brothers, and also a birth half sister from the birth father's second marriage. My wife (then girlfriend) initiated the contact, and found all of her birth family when she was 18. There were rocky patches in the beginning, dealing mainly with the boundaries of the relationship. My wife and I were married in 1988, and her birth family was invited.
The problems began when my first son was born in 1990, when the birth mother began to overstep her boundaries again, like saying "come to Grandma" after being told specifically not to do it. Things got worse, and in 1996, my wife and her birth mother were on "Oprah" on a show dealing with reunions, and it was a fiasco, with accusations of lying, yelling, name calling, you name it.
My wife broke off all contact after that for a few years, but re-established it. The birth mother had re-married to a wonderful man that I really liked, and who I thought would be good for her. (To be honest, I never really liked her or my wife's birth brothers. They're all very shallow, materialistic, arrogant, vain, etc.)
During all of this, I tried to support my wife as best I could. I told her that since I was not adopted, I obviously couldn't identify with a lot of her feelings, but if she asked for my advice, I gave it. I never tried to steer her in any direction, nor did I criticize any of her decisions.
The problems with me and her birth family started when her birth mother went back to her home town for a high school reunion, met her high school sweetheart, spent the week having an affair with him, then came back and told her husband she wanted a divorce. The poor guy had no warning at all. In fact, she had told her mother-in-law the previous weekend that she could see her self in love with this man for another 50 years. The whole thing sickened me, and for the first time, I took an active part in the adoptee birth family relationship, and told my wife that it would be best if she ended the relationship with her birth mother, and my wife agreed. We decided together that the birth mother was simply not the kind of person that we wanted contact with.
So, a few years ago, my wife again tries to start the relationship, but this time I started to make my wishes known. I said that I didn't want her or my children to have any contact with the birth mother, but if she did, I would have no part in it. If they wanted to meet, it would be somewhere besides our house, and I wasn't going to take part in any events that involved her birth family.
Since then, there have been several events involving the birth family that the rest of my family has been involved in (weddings, reunions, etc.) but I have not participated. The birth family has been to our house several times, but I have not been there. My wife has called me, un-Christian, selfish, evil, etc., for not fully accepting her birth family.
My question to all of you out there is: do I, as the spouse, have any say at all in how I deal with this relationship? It seems apparent that no one in the adoptee or birth family should be pushed into a situation that they don't like, nor should they be made to feel guilty if they do not want contact. Do these rules apply at all to spouses? Don't I deserve the same considering in dealing with her birth family as she has? If I don't want the contact, shouldn't my wishes be considered?
This situation is placing a serious strain on our marriage, to the point that I am considering divorce, because I'm not sure I can continue being berated for my feelings, nor can I see myself fully accepting her birth family any time soon the way she wants.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this. Sometimes the dynamics of adoption and reunion can have a huge effect on others outside the main players, and I just don't know how to proceed from here.
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Jackiejdajda
r0ller
This must be hard.. You seem to be caught in the middle.. My husband had some hard times when I reunited with my bson..
Roller could you please post some more on how you are feeling on terms of the reunion and your 'no say' in it?
I think its an important message to be on these boards.. we do not hear from many husbands of someone reuniting..
Jackie
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I am sorry you are going through all this, I do understand where you are coming from but as an adoptee, I understand your wife too.
It seems she feels such a need to have contact with her birth mother, I hate to say it but it is true, only if you are adopted can anyone ever truly know how it all feels. The emotions are terrible to deal with.
I'm not making light of this at all when I say that whoever this person was that you don't particularly like, birth mom, sister, adoptive mom etc...it always seems in every family there are people who we cringe when we see.
I know it's hard, my husbands mother, he's not adopted but his mother was hell on wheels and so rude to me all the time, it really bothered me that this woman was even around my daughter beacuse of the way she was, I worried so much about it. My daughter was around 3 at the time so of course didn't know what was going on. One day, a friend told me not to worry as my daughter will eventually see what this woman is like, she did.
I so understand what you mean and that you are concerned for your children, your wife is pulled right now, there seems to be a yearning for her to have contact with her bmom. You never know what will happen in the future. As with other family members who we all have and don't like, I would support your wife, even if it's silently. This can send you crazy I know, you sound like a very caring person who only wants the best for his family, see how it all goes. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you to help.
Absolutely go to every function with your family, hold your head up high and enjoy the day, I do agree that it could push your wife away if you don't. It's guaranteed she is hurting inside and she needs you, hang in there.
r0ller
I've skimmed through the thread and may have missed some crucial part (so forgive me if I come over as blunt and/or rude).
Birthfamilys (to me) are in that in-law classification - People who are important to your spouse,- so by default, need to be treated with respect (whether you feel it or not). You married your wife and in doing so, took on all the baggage that comes with her. You promised to love and support her all of her days - not just the days she is bowing to your authority.
To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.
Love your wife for who she is and accept the people that she loves and supports and the relationships she nurtures. The only role you need to take is her husband - the man who stood by her and said he would look after her every day of her life. The choice of who she calls family is not yours to make.
Ann
My wife asked to see what I had sent, so I gave her a copy, and she said it was very rude of me to have been so blunt.
r0ller, I think that it is good that you wrote your bmother in law and stated your intentions. It will make it perfectly clear to everyone that you do not support things that you have said in the past that you think are wrong and imo sets a good example for your children. There is nothing wrong in telling others where you stand and where your boundaries are. That's as much as you can do. I think you are being flexible and reasonable for doing this for your wife's and son's sake while it must be difficult for you. It was good to hear that you do have a positive relationship with your original mother in law. It may be hard for others to believe but you do have a right to choose your family relationships in the bfamily arena as much as anyone else does even though you are a spouse. With your minor children you have a right to choose for them too. Let us know how it goes. I hope your wife appreciates your effort.
I have to agree with Ann on this one. I attended marriage counselling with my hubby a long time ago and the best advice I ever received was that I deal with my family and he deals with his family and we support each other, even if we're not 100% certain that the other is in the right. IMO I would have talked with her and said you wanted to send a note making your feelings clear, shown her what you planned on writing and giving her a chance to absorb it, rather than not know. It's important that they know to how you feel and your reasons are valid, it's the approach that we take sometimes that makes others forget the message and that you are concerned for your family. I do hope everything works out for you. As winter says, sometimes we have to leave some things unsaid to others in order to help our spouses through the hard times but you should make sure she knows how you feel.
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r0ller
Reunion is difficult.. for some..
It is for me.. but then I basically walked away from any chance of intimacy.. read the cards.. sorted it..
It was my decision..
I told my husband about what I would do.. (I wrote it here somewhere) if my bson came here and upset me and hubby got angry and protective..
I wrote (automatically) that I would punch my husband out.. (not literally)
And I have been thinking of this ever since..
The loved one of the relinquished one.. or relinquisher one.. has a very full plate IMO
I never realized how much till recently..
It does not seem fair..
Is this about parenting? About you and your wife being on the same page.. Makes sense to me..
I know I worried about my birthgrandbabies thinking about how I gave their father away and in turn maybe they would be given away..
And then my mind goes to.. well that’s life and these are the facts..
But.. I would worry about someone entering my life on a very deep level (like your children and the influence).. and me not liking he or she..
I have always thought of consideration in reunion.. everyone considering everyone..
It does not happen.. and now I am trying to understand how many people are having to deal with the difficulties of two worlds coming together that started out separate..
I do not know what to do and what you are facing is something I do not comprehend.. and I may have shut my husband up when I should not have been.. He looked at me the other day when I mentioned my bson coming here and upsetting me scenario.. like here we go again here is a place where I have no say.. I can see the exasperation..
But the reason why you sent that note still applies doesn’t it.. If my kids were heading into something I did not want them to head into.. at a young age.. I would try and sort.. but.. maybe you are not able to sort because the reunion is an emotional minefield.. one you can not get into..
I saw that with my husband.. A place where I rule..
I am so grateful that you are posting.. about this.. I am learning something about myself..
Thank you..
Jackie
This feeling seems to be the same when a birth family member is too pushy and wants to play a larger part in the adoptee's life. The adoptee has needs/wants that are being met by the adoptive family, and has no desire to have a birth family member assume that role.
As far as new developments in this saga, I sent the birth mother a note last night, and said plainly that I would agree to have her and the birth family over for the activities, but it was strictly for my son's and wife's sake. It was not the start of a reconciliation process or a "get to know you" session. I still had serious problems with the way she lived her life and the fact that she was a role model for my children.
She didn't think very much of it and sent a note to my wife. My wife asked to see what I had sent, so I gave her a copy, and she said it was very rude of me to have been so blunt.
I had worked on the note for three days trying to be as diplomatic as possible while still making sure that my position was clear. I think the problem was the I actually had the nerve to tell her that I had a problem with her at all.
Kune
But if his children are going to be taken into something he does not want them taken into.. what then?
This when there is a history of the wife wanting this contact..
Keds
Wise words..
So interesting..
Jackie
To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.
I attended marriage counselling with my hubby a long time ago and the best advice I ever received was that I deal with my family and he deals with his family and we support each other, even if we're not 100% certain that the other is in the right.
kune
To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.
Roller, I haven't read all the posts, but I also wanted to ask what you and your wife's relationship is with her aparents? What about the relationship (if any) between the aparents and bparents? My DH wrote to his birth mom several months back and has not heard anything. Although I am sad for his sake, in a way (this is going to sound terrible and I would not say this to him) it is somewhat of a "relief." I have a hard time juggling all the obligations with his family and my family. I don't know how i would feel if I didn't like or respect his birth mom or family. Hang in there. I hope especially for the sake of your son that the graduation day goes smoothly... Also, I don't know if someone suggested this yet, but is there anyway you could maybe have counseling WITH your DW's birth mom. We had friends who had a horrible inlaw situation and that actually helped.
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r0ller:
I don't know the ending of this saga - nor do I have a right to give you any advice.
I just wanted to say that I think it is commendable that you have put enough support behind your wife to get on this board, and to educate yourself to try to understand what she is going through. Obviously this is not easy, yet you continue to pursue an answer that would make everyone happy - which is **** near impossible sometimes.
I also think that it is admirable that your moral compass is such that you do not want your family subjected to this type of behavior. As I would venture to say if it were the amom behaving in this manner, you would do/feel the same.
Which when drilled down has nothing to do with the adoption issue at all IMHO - you are protecting your family.
my two cents...
Well, it was a very stressful weekend, but we all managed to get through it.
My wife's b-mom did attend both the party and the graduation. I welcomed her into the house, and that was it. I was polite, and spoke to her when I needed to in order not to be rude, but I didn't go out of my way to start any conversations or jump into any ones that she was involved in.
Basically, we kept our distance from each other, and it was seemed to work out OK.
I'm not going to do it again until another major event comes up, so I'll be OK until then.
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Hello, everyone. I have a problem regarding adoptees/birth families that doesn't seem to be commented on much (at least, I couldn't find much using the search function), so I'm hoping that I can get some desperately needed help. My wife was adopted as an infant in 1966. Her birth parents later married (divorced a few years later) and she has 2 full birth brothers, and also a birth half sister from the birth father's second marriage. My wife (then girlfriend) initiated the contact, and found all of her birth family when she was 18. There were rocky patches in the beginning, dealing mainly with the boundaries of the relationship. My wife and I were married in 1988, and her birth family was invited. The problems began when my first son was born in 1990, when the birth mother began to overstep her boundaries again, like saying "come to Grandma" after being told specifically not to do it. Things got worse, and in 1996, my wife and her birth mother were on "Oprah" on a show dealing with reunions, and it was a fiasco, with accusations of lying, yelling, name calling, you name it. My wife broke off all contact after that for a few years, but re-established it. The birth mother had re-married to a wonderful man that I really liked, and who I thought would be good for her. (To be honest, I never really liked her or my wife's birth brothers. They're all very shallow, materialistic, arrogant, vain, etc.) During all of this, I tried to support my wife as best I could. I told her that since I was not adopted, I obviously couldn't identify with a lot of her feelings, but if she asked for my advice, I gave it. I never tried to steer her in any direction, nor did I criticize any of her decisions. The problems with me and her birth family started when her birth mother went back to her home town for a high school reunion, met her high school sweetheart, spent the week having an affair with him, then came back and told her husband she wanted a divorce. The poor guy had no warning at all. In fact, she had told her mother-in-law the previous weekend that she could see her self in love with this man for another 50 years. The whole thing sickened me, and for the first time, I took an active part in the adoptee birth family relationship, and told my wife that it would be best if she ended the relationship with her birth mother, and my wife agreed. We decided together that the birth mother was simply not the kind of person that we wanted contact with. So, a few years ago, my wife again tries to start the relationship, but this time I started to make my wishes known. I said that I didn't want her or my children to have any contact with the birth mother, but if she did, I would have no part in it. If they wanted to meet, it would be somewhere besides our house, and I wasn't going to take part in any events that involved her birth family. Since then, there have been several events involving the birth family that the rest of my family has been involved in (weddings, reunions, etc.) but I have not participated. The birth family has been to our house several times, but I have not been there. My wife has called me, un-Christian, selfish, evil, etc., for not fully accepting her birth family. My question to all of you out there is: do I, as the spouse, have any say at all in how I deal with this relationship? It seems apparent that no one in the adoptee or birth family should be pushed into a situation that they don't like, nor should they be made to feel guilty if they do not want contact. Do these rules apply at all to spouses? Don't I deserve the same considering in dealing with her birth family as she has? If I don't want the contact, shouldn't my wishes be considered? This situation is placing a serious strain on our marriage, to the point that I am considering divorce, because I'm not sure I can continue being berated for my feelings, nor can I see myself fully accepting her birth family any time soon the way she wants. I hope I didn't offend anyone with this. Sometimes the dynamics of adoption and reunion can have a huge effect on others outside the main players, and I just don't know how to proceed from here.