Definition of success

Do you consider your reunion to be a success? I'm not in reunion yet, but have a semi-open situation where I still can exchange letters/pictures through an intermediary. I consider what I have to be a success because the lines of communication between me and my son's afamily have remained open all these years. How do you describe your relationship with your birth child? In the process of being developed right now. I'm waiting for an email which he may or may not be quite ready yet to send. I'm hoping it will lead to phone communication and eventually f2f meeting, and would be thrilled if we could develop a nice, healthy relationship of some kind. What has been the most diffcult for you as you develop your relationship? Waiting, wondering, worrying. Ups and downs of potential reunion. Being blindsided by strong emotions at times. I would like to add that the most pleasant things for me have been the joy of knowing that reunion may be possible, feeling closer to my son as a result of knowing more about him (I recently got a ton of pictures and other info from him and his family), and feeling a strength I never knew I had as a result of facing some of my fears/anxieties about reunion.

How old is the daughter you raised? Did she know about your placed daughter? Although there have been ups and downs in their relationships, one of my joys is the willingness of all three of my children to have a relationship. It's funny, D automatically becomes big brother (of course he has 2 younger sisters in his (a) family).

I hope your dreams come true. JustPeachy, I don't know how old is your son now. How great that you know that he can contact you when he's ready.

How old is the daughter you raised? Did she know about your placed daughter? Although there have been ups and downs in their relationships, one of my joys is the willingness of all three of my children to have a relationship. It's funny, D automatically becomes big brother (of course he has 2 younger sisters in his (a) family). I really don't want to "hi-jack" this thread, but to answer: I have 3 raised children, ages 39,38,33. None of my raised childen knew about my past until the inital contact. The middle child has welcomed my adau. with open arms and they are building a relationship, youngest is so far away and he has accepted this. The oldest is really having problems to the point I feel I don't even want to bring up my bdau's name. I am considering giving her my book"Girls...." to read. I know in the near future she and I will have to have a real heart to heart.

HELLO group...I have been off the list since February and just came back tonight...my Birthdaughters Birthday... I am not going to make this a long post since I am not positive I am doing this correctly:eyebrows: I am THRILLED to see this new forum (or if not new I missed it before)....Birthmoms, Birthchildren and Children you have raised from birth...as in a Reunion Adjustment. I saw tonite where someone has a situation similar to mine...my BD is 43 today...my firstborn, my son is 45....he has yet to even acknowledge that his BS exists - at least not to me....the strain has been very difficult on my bd and myself...WE have not yet met...she lives a distance from me...but it has been almost a year since I got her first letter....we had a big disagreement back in early February and I simply had to stop communicating for a while....the stress was taking its toll on me healthwise. Last nite I left her a voicemail message .... it was the first time in 43 years I knew how to contact her on her birthday to say...HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I was not going to let the chance go by......................tonite she did acknowledge the call (via an email to me) I am elated...I know we cannot just continue where we left off (lots of pressure IMO regarding my son's lack of concern or interest in her)... OK, sorry, I went on more than I planned...lets see if any of my old friends from this list are OUT THERE....I welcome the chance to chat with any of you...PEACE

Welcome back, Bfuddled. Birthdays are always a bit stressful. I hope that this one is a new start for your relationship with your BD.

Yes - an outstanding success for me. :thanks: I went on to have a good life, a fantastic family but......he was always missing - questions unknown and a heartfelt loss. Now I know him - who he is and what I missed. He tells me he can now be himself - he wasn't sure who that was for 33 years. Safe and sound :love: Understanding the emotional complications and accepting the reunion was real and enduring. Over 7 years now. 2001 Short version - He found me and wrote a letter asking for contact and possibly a relationship. I answered immediately saying I was delighted and always hoped he would want to know where he came from. I gave him basic information (bfather's name, length of relationship, his birth story) We sent letters back and forth for 3 months. We then had phone conversations and e-mail. At 6 months we actually met and by then we had a fairly good impression of who the other was. It was a very slow reunion. I wanted to run at it full speed. He wanted to take it slow. We went at his pace until we found a rhythm that suited us both. We have limited contact because of distance :earth: (he lives in another country) but we have made a point of seeing each other in approx 6 month visits. Originally I flew to him, but he has more access to his 1/2 siblings if he comes my way. :airplane: :phone: We speak to each other twice or three times a month. We both feel the bond that ties us, and like the relationship we have developed. Sometimes I come on too heavy and he tells me to "chill out". :fan: Other times he gets "snakey" and I tell him to "build a bridge" and walk over it. :roadblock: After our first argument I realised that each of us had differing opinions, & could make outlandish statements, be petty, :hissy: and be unreasonable yet we were still connected and solidly committed to each other.....at ease and trusting the other to always be there. I love his open arms and firm hug when we haven't seen each other for a few months. I remember well the days when I couldn't even conjure up his infant face, and I would wonder if he was alive and healthy. To know and to love this beautiful young man is truly one of life's blessings. His presense in my life allows me to be whole. Ann PS.......After 5 years of reunion he accepted that adoption had a marked effect on his life and he found real strength in discovering the voice of his "inner child". Without that work, I doubt our reunion would be as secure so.......... there are many layers to a reunion and each needs to be peeled back - in it's right time - and with a gentle touch. It can't be hurried!!!!! __________________

Success is a difficult term but I think so, in that I can e-mail/call my son at any time. He may be slow to respond but that's life. Our relationship is a work in progress. We're still "circling" and trying to figure out how and where we fit into each other's lives. Like Ann mentioned, I want to go full bore, but recognize the need for restraint (but hate it all the same). Good things come to those who wait. How long? First contact was June 2006, first F2F was July 2007 so, it will be 2 years soon - hardly any time at all! Our story, well, he wrote first, I jumped on it and then life got in the way. I try and maintain contact every 4-6 weeks but don't want to intrude. I think the hardest part now is I think we're doing OK with each other but his bdad (hubby) and 2 siblings are unwilling, no, to harsh, unable, to put their pride (?) aside and make contact. I do think this is complicating our relationship - perhaps the hesitancy to get to close but it will all work out in time. If it takes 5, 10 or 20 years then so be it, I recognize my impatience at times but, at the same time, any relationship worth having is worth putting in the time. I do know I have tremendous anger at times but I make sure that it isn't directed at the wrong people - I recognize that life is unfair, and I think that my bson does to - nothing has felt as good as that first hug! Overall, for me, very much a success, on my yardstick, anyway.

My yardstick too keds....it's hard not having your other half and kids alongside you on this "work in progress" but I think you are doing it well and taking it at his pace. Anger? I think that's part of the healing and you'll eventually find that calm peaceful place with patience and tenacity. Ann

Sorry, CLS, I meant to get back to this. I think it sounds like giving her the book would be a good idea. I can think of 2 possiblities for her difficulties (I'm sure there are many others, lol.) First, She has grown up as your oldest child; now she discovers that she is NOT your firstborn. That can be an identity crisis of a sort for her as she tries to figure out what her new status is. Secondly, it could, to her, a betrayal of trust. She thought she knew you. (Most children THINK they know their parents, even when they have no clue!) Now she finds you've been keeping a secret from her all her life! Give her time; let her know you love her as much as you always have.

Keds, I'm glad your reunion is developing. How sad for the rest of your family that they are chosing to miss out on the joy that this could bring to all there lives and to your family. I hope they will decide they want to develop a relationship with him too.

Thanks Kathy, their loss but it is having an affect on us and I feel terrible for bson. His bsiblings do want to have a relationship but can't figure out how - it's likely going to work out in the end. Hubby (bdad) is the one I'm most disappointed in but I can't let that affect our relationship. Anyway, I do think we're making progress, not as much as contact as I would like but it's early days and we are both soooo busy.

keds I Don't know if I have suggested this before......in the early days of my reunion when the two half siblings were feeling a bit put out yet bson really wanted to make good relationships with both, I would make sure I dropped little bits of news, (like...what he was up to) into the conversations and little by little they sort of got used to him being a part of my life, and in turn, started to think of him as belonging to me...and then to us. It wasn't pointed at anyone - just tit-bits put out there for whoever was interested. Well worth a try in all fractured family relationships. Regards Ann

Thanks Ann, I actually was doing that for awhile and they asked me to stop but, it's 6 months later so I think I'll try again. Now they're both finished school for the year, there is a little less stress in their lives so it might be a better time. I'll try it again, that's all I can do. Thanks!

Keds, does your DH say why he doesn't want to know your DS?