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I was thinking about a divorce today (not my situation btw - lol) and how everyone agrees that you shouldn't put the child in the middle -
The adults need to separate the divorce from the child.
It got me wondering... In an OA, does the same thing hold true? Should aparent and bparents separate the adoption from the child?
Or is that what's supposed to happen anyway?
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soeone called it apples and oranges. I think from the childs viewpoint that is very true. Adoption is about a child, the very core of the child is being bandied about by adults. divorce is about 2 adults that have made a child/bringing up a child. The adoption brings up feelings for the adults that totally affect the worth of the child, divorce is about the worth of the marriage, then the best interst of the child. The child becomes who they are because of adoption(born to one, raised by another), in divorce they are already in the family...even though that family is being torn apart, they started with that fmaily and didn't need to adjust to another.....make sense?
I am not so sure dpen6 that in a divorce you do not have to adjust to another family. My parents divorced when I was 5 therefore, I do not ever remember living with my dad. I adjusted to his multiple marriages and also a stepbrother and stepsister which after he divorced their mothers I never saw again. Also I may have a half-sister that he let someone adopt. So I think divorce does bring adjusting to a new family. Now I do not believe that it is the same as being adopted, it is different, but there is alot of adjusting to new families. Also as an adoptee that is adopted as an infant, they do not have memories of a family that they never lived with. I am not saying that this makes it easier, but they know that there is someone out there that is related to them by blood, but they have never known. Just my opinion, not speaking for anyone else.
If I was married to either of Munchkin's parents and there was a divorce, I would have a say in how she was raised, what she was doing and so on. As an open adoption birth mother, I have none of that. I am not even allowed to THINK of that kind of stuff without being chastised for "co-parenting." If I was to overstep that boundary, I (not just me but any birth parent, just speaking with my own self in this place) run the risk of being completely shut out of the child's life. If it was a divorce and the other parent decided to "disappear" or refuse to let me have contact, I would have legal recourse. But since I'm a birth parent? Pfft. They would laugh me out of court even in a state that has legally binding agreements.So, yeah, it's very apples and oranges. Even if you're the child. Because? If you're the child and you're of an age to offer up opinions on your living arrangement and you say, "I want to live with my birth parent," 9.99 times out of 10, the adoptive parents are going to flat out say, "Heck no," whereas in a divorce there would at least be some discussion if not a change made to current arrangements such as more time spent at the non-custodial parents house, etc.
hmmmm...I don't see it, really. Except in the sense that you hope that the adults don't put the kids "in the middle" and try to have a positive relationship for the sake of the kids (even if it is hard). But yeah, there is a huge difference in my mind between the roles of parents even when they are divorcing and the roles of aparents vs. bparents even in a very open adoption. And of course the rights as Jenna mentioned.
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sstuart
I am not so sure dpen6 that in a divorce you do not have to adjust to another family. My parents divorced when I was 5 therefore, I do not ever remember living with my dad. I adjusted to his multiple marriages and also a stepbrother and stepsister which after he divorced their mothers I never saw again. Also I may have a half-sister that he let someone adopt. So I think divorce does bring adjusting to a new family. Now I do not believe that it is the same as being adopted, it is different, but there is alot of adjusting to new families. Also as an adoptee that is adopted as an infant, they do not have memories of a family that they never lived with. I am not saying that this makes it easier, but they know that there is someone out there that is related to them by blood, but they have never known. Just my opinion, not speaking for anyone else.
I see what you are saying in a sense, I believe there is a commonality in regard to emotions. In OA, the relationship between the two adults is bound by what is best for the child. If it wasn't for that child, there would be no relationship. It's similar when two people divorce and there are children involved, there is a need to continue the relationship after the fact in regard to what is best for the child. I don't really know if I would be in a relationship with DD's a-mom if it wasn't for DD, but I do my best to maintain the realtionship because of her, the way most parents would post divorce. Make sense? However I agree with Jenna that it is apples and oranges because unlike a divorce, I am no longer a custodial parent and have no input on how my DD is raised, decisions made regarding her welfare etc etc. I have however always referred to my ex as "the husband I never married" because I do in a sense see myself treating him like an ex husband in regards to my daughter (no badmouthing, encouraging a relationship regardless of personal feelings etc etc) and our relationship is on equal footing in regards to DD (or should be anyway) Plus I'd like to see him take a walk off a short pier :P
In OA, the relationship between the two adults is bound by what is best for the child. If it wasn't for that child, there would be no relationship. It's similar when two people divorce and there are children involved, there is a need to continue the relationship after the fact in regard to what is best for the child. I don't really know if I would be in a relationship with DD's a-mom if it wasn't for DD, but I do my best to maintain the realtionship because of her, the way most parents would post divorce. Make sense?
I consider my dd's bfam to be simply another set of In-laws....just as my in-laws are family by a legal proceding, so are my dd's bparents. They love and care about dd just as any family member would, but don't have any authority on the day to day raising. Their relationship with her contributes to who she is, but if we go months without any contact, it's still relaxed next time we speak...we just pick up where we left off.And I am always interested in another person's experience with the same challenges I face, so advice given wouldn't necessarily be seen by me as an attempt at co-parenting...as long as it wasn't insisted upon, or demanded, or pushed at me repeatedly.I don't think she'd give me any advice, because the reasons she placed is vastly different than the majority of bmoms I've encountered here. She didn't want to be her parent anymore, and freely admitted she wasn't effective at it, and had run out of ideas/strength to continue the fight. But, if she provided insight into my dd's way of thinking, I'd find that extremely valuable!
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In-laws is a WAY better comparison.I read this line of thinking on another tread recently. I think it was an adoptee that wrote it. Kind of the old nature vrs nurture debate but I definitely thought that insight into some basic personality traits would be a benefit to having an OA. I had never thought of that before...
But, if she provided insight into my dd's way of thinking, I'd find that extremely valuable!
I actually doubt she could even provide that much, she was really out of touch with my dd. (everyone actually, due to her own emotional issues -R.A.D.-). The funny thing is, she said after meeting us, that she never really "got" our dd, and after seeing us, she said we'd see what she meant when she says "She's totally you..." she told us to just wait and see...And she was right, our dd is SO much like us both in every way...and I can see what she meant when she said she recognized us as dd's parents when she met us. I think I have a better handle on things going on in dd's brain than S ever did...and that makes me a bit sad for both of them actually...But I think someday, even if it's only a little bit and not on purpose, just by knowing her, she'll be able to give me some kind of insight.What's really cool, is this week I've been a bit nostalgic about that first contact, and I've saved ALL of our emails...every one...and this week I went back and read them all again and it was neat to read it with the perspective I have now having lived with my dd.
I am a stepmom (a bio-mom) and a hope to adopt mom.
I pray that open adoption and divorce are nothing alike. My husband's ex is very selfish and could care less about the kids. She has done whatever she can to try and injure us including using the kids as weapons. I won't say she doesn't love them, she just doesn't know how to respect them or their needs.
I hope that in adoption all the parents are making their choices based on the needs of the child.
Divorce starts with 2 people who can't get along. I hope adoption starts with, "What is best for this child?"
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Maybe that is the problem "divorce starts with 2 people who can't get along" If you have children and are getting a divorce, it should be what is best for the children, but it rarely is. I think often times an open adoption turns into--what is best for "me" whether it be the birthparent or the adoptive parent. How many open adoptions have been closed because one of the adults in the triad were uncomfortable. It should always be about the child--but when people's feelings are involved-it rarely is!! Just my opinion.
Leigh131313
I dunno....it sounds like your thoughts are based on the idea that there is negativity in the relationship between aparents and bparents....Which in most cases I know (irl) just isn't the way it is.
I don't see a comparison at all for the most part.