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To anyone who cares,
I am currently a freshman who attends a great university in the Chicago area. (I prefer to remain anonymous because I am not quite ready to share my story with people. But maybe this is the first step.) I had come to school with high expectations, visions of virtuous accomplishment and a hunger to really dig in and work hard. All of my previous hard work had landed me in the position I had desired throughout my high school career. Life was GREAT!
It hit me like a truck. About 2 months into school, I found out that my high school girlfriend was pregnant. However, she did not tell me directly, I found out from one of my friends who attends the same school. I did call her to find out more about the issue and, since I did not believe her, the conversation turned out to have more accusations and arguments than anything else. (Not to insult her, but she did have quite a few partners in the past). This set the tone for our relationship throughout the pregnancy.
Ever since about 3 months ago, I had lived my life away from home in despair, wondering if I may or may not be a father at 19 years of age. My worst nightmare (in my mind) could come true. At school I had developed a drinking problem which landed me in the Dean's office and police station a few times, broken friendships through isolation and had not established a good reputation for myself. To this day I am still recovering from these things.
Paternity testing after my son was born was the only thing that allowed me to start accepting the situation. Of course I had started planning for the child's future before that and had decided to have his great- aunt and uncle on the birth mother's side adopt him. (Actually, it wasn't really my decision, the court favors blood related adoption, so I didn't have any say as to where my son would be placed.)
Here comes another problem. The adoptive parents are probably the most ideal people for the whole situation, in regard to my son. However, since they are blood relatives on the birth mother's side, they don't give me any credibility or respect. Their promises of an open adoption and contact with my little boy have thus far proven to be empty.(It has been almost 2 months since the adoption) Much of my anxiety comes from worrying about whether or not I will see my son again, and if so, an equal amount of time as the birth mother. I wonder as to what they will tell him about me (or if they will).
I have been so distraught after the adoption that I am still having trouble in school and am on the edge of a decision to drop out. I have pursued counseling for a while now and it has not seemed to place me in a positive direction. I also worry for my parents, who are hurting not only for the adoption, but because I am failing in many aspects of life.
If anyone could type any suggestions, comments or advice, I would be very grateful. (Maybe finding somebody with a similar situation to sympathize with would help as well...)
Thanks
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(((Nthnzmmr))) First let me say how sorry I am that you are going thru this. It's tough, I know....
I am assuming you don't have a signed open adoption agreement but if you do... It may be legally enforceable.
I think the most important thing here is for you to take care of yourself. Remember, you want your son to be proud of you and you must be a good influence in his life. If you don't feel like doing this for yourself today, do it for him... OK? I am glad you're seeking some counseling. You may want to call a few agencies in the area and ask if they know of any active support groups for birthparents in your area. I think talking things out face to face with people who have been in your position will be just as helpful (if not more) then a regular councilor. Adoption is a unique type of grief for sure. Also, stay here and post.... You will be surprised at how many folks here have felt the same thing you are feeling at one time or another. This place is a great support in itself.
Also focus on getting your head back around school. Summer is almost here... You can make it. This will get better... I promise. You are not failing anything right now... You are grieving so don't beat yourself up. This isn't who you are... it's what you are feeling like today... Does that make sense?
Now, as far as the open adoption (OA) goes, I have no experience as a birthparent. I absolutely think there are things you can do to open up communication again but I will wait to offer some suggestions. Hopefully those who are living OA will chime in - they are the experts :)
You will get thru this I promise... Hang in there...
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I am sorry for what you are going through. These years during college, are a tough time anyway but to deal with all the other things, it must be really difficult for you. I have to say, from an adoptive parent perspective, try to open lines of communication with them and the best ways to do that is to communicate with them through letters and calls to your son and also to have a respectful relationship with the birthmother. You say, until a few months ago, you were having some trouble and now again, you are having some issues. Do the adoptive parents know? For me, I would want what is best for the child, so establishing yourself as a responsible adult who will not be in and out of your sons life as you choose would be the first step. Staying in school, getting some counseling to help you cope with the adoption and your feelings about it which in turn, may help you with college. Please seek some professional help. I wish you lots of luck.
I am sorry that I cannot offer advice but I just want to lend my support. I hope you will consider counseling from a counselor expereicned in adoption issues (maybe Brenda Romanchik can offer advice about a counselor...she is on this site a lot). It seems like fathers (birth fathers) don't get the support they deserve and that saddens me. You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful young man and I think you deserve a chance to be in your child's life.
Good luck to you, and please don't be afraid to reach out to those who can help you.
I do understand--a little. I am a bmom and I placed 22 years ago in a closed adoption. I was 19 and a freshman in college. I like you thought--this is going to be great----Not so much. I was pregnant. I hid the pregnancy for the whole 9months and told no one until I delivered. I was in denial and it was a miserable existence. After the adoption I began drinking heavily. I also did not do so well in school. I did not flunk out, but I did do poorly. But I finally pulled myself together and graduated from college, got a job and no longer drink. You can get through this--You are worth it and you are not a failure. You are not the first to make this mistake--nor will you be the last. If you get cut off from your son, it will be difficult. The best thing you can do for him is make yourself a great person, so when he does find you, you can be proud of who you are. Keep a scrapbook for him, journal for him. Mostly you need to know that you are responsible for what you think, feel, say and do. Do not try to play the blame game, just be the best you can be so that when you are reunited you can tell him how much you loved him, missed him and thought about him. At this time you have made the responsible decision, which isn't always the one that makes us happy. Try to know that you can be happy again, but YOU have to be the one to make that happen No one else can do it for you. I have recently reunited with my DD and it is going well. If I had wallowed in self pity and had quit school and continued to drink--I am sure that the reunion would be non existant. Take care of yourself. You can succeed.
Nthnzmmr
To anyone who cares,
I am currently a freshman who attends a great university in the Chicago area. (I prefer to remain anonymous because I am not quite ready to share my story with people. But maybe this is the first step.) I had come to school with high expectations, visions of virtuous accomplishment and a hunger to really dig in and work hard. All of my previous hard work had landed me in the position I had desired throughout my high school career. Life was GREAT!
It hit me like a truck. About 2 months into school, I found out that my high school girlfriend was pregnant. However, she did not tell me directly, I found out from one of my friends who attends the same school. I did call her to find out more about the issue and, since I did not believe her, the conversation turned out to have more accusations and arguments than anything else. (Not to insult her, but she did have quite a few partners in the past). This set the tone for our relationship throughout the pregnancy.
Ever since about 3 months ago, I had lived my life away from home in despair, wondering if I may or may not be a father at 19 years of age. My worst nightmare (in my mind) could come true. At school I had developed a drinking problem which landed me in the Dean's office and police station a few times, broken friendships through isolation and had not established a good reputation for myself. To this day I am still recovering from these things.
Paternity testing after my son was born was the only thing that allowed me to start accepting the situation. Of course I had started planning for the child's future before that and had decided to have his great- aunt and uncle on the birth mother's side adopt him. (Actually, it wasn't really my decision, the court favors blood related adoption, so I didn't have any say as to where my son would be placed.)
Here comes another problem. The adoptive parents are probably the most ideal people for the whole situation, in regard to my son. However, since they are blood relatives on the birth mother's side, they don't give me any credibility or respect. Their promises of an open adoption and contact with my little boy have thus far proven to be empty.(It has been almost 2 months since the adoption) Much of my anxiety comes from worrying about whether or not I will see my son again, and if so, an equal amount of time as the birth mother. I wonder as to what they will tell him about me (or if they will).
I have been so distraught after the adoption that I am still having trouble in school and am on the edge of a decision to drop out. I have pursued counseling for a while now and it has not seemed to place me in a positive direction. I also worry for my parents, who are hurting not only for the adoption, but because I am failing in many aspects of life.
If anyone could type any suggestions, comments or advice, I would be very grateful. (Maybe finding somebody with a similar situation to sympathize with would help as well...)
Thanks
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I will respond as an adoptive mom. I am sorry for what you are going through. Since the adoption is so new, both the adoptive parents and birthmothers are probably very emotional about the situation. Since you mentioned that you did not have a very good relationship with your childs birthmother, is it possible she has counseled her family members against honoring their agreement to be open with you? If she has spoken ill of you (or mentioned some of your problems with school and the law) they may be hesitant to let you have contact with your son. They may also be afraid of damaging their relationship with her since they are her relatives and they probably feel more inclined to keep the bond with her in tact.
Have you spoken to the adoptive parents directly (not using your childҒs birthmom as a go-between)? Consider writing them a letter or calling them to discuss things directly. If they dont respond or want to shut down contact completely, you should start a journal for your son. Collect little items or gifts or letters for him in one place with the thought that one day you will be able to present these things to him.
We have an open adoption with our daughterҒs birthmom and I know it would be difficult for her if we also had contact with him. As a mother though, I know I must do what is best for our child and if our daughters birthfather reached out to us, I would gladly enter into a relationship with him. Perhaps, over time, the adoptive family will see that a relationship with you is in the best interest of your child and your sonҒs birthmom will soften her view of you. Also, like others have said, getting your life together will go a long way to proving to everyone involved that you are ready and willing to be a positive part of your sons life.
I wish you the best of luck.
I heard from an adoption attorney that if a birth parent is promised an open adoption and you were induced into the adoption with the openness in mind, and then the adoptive family would not honor their heart commitment, that it could possible be challenged.
My heart hurts for you, but I agree that you should seek the advice of an experienced adoption attorney to review with him/her your rights at this point, if any. The brutal truth is that you may not have any.
If that is the case, or even if you WILL be allowed to see your son and/or share somewhat in his growing-up years, if only from a distance, the very best thing you can do for your son and your self is to get your head back on track and be the success you set out to be. Letting this "unplanned" event totally untrack your life won't do anyone any good, least of all your son.
Become the man you would want your son to be proud of, because sooner or later you may have the opportunity to have a relationship with him, regardless of what happens now. Dropping out, losing your way, disappointing your parents - all of those are short-term evidence of feeling sorry for yourself because you can't at this moment have what you want. But a mature and honorable man, old enough to be a father, would see that in the long run, he should square his shoulders, hold his head up and move forward. For his parents, himself and his son.
I am an adoption attorney with over 24 years of experience. I have seen this happen a hundred times, and I am telling you, from my heart, that your son will appreciate the man you become, not the immediate mess you might make of things because you are hurting.
My advice is not meant to hurt, but is sent with love.
LL
I am sorry you are hurting. I am the mother of a son who is about your age and the mother of a daughter who is 11 and became my child thru adoption. I have to tell you that I allow her bdad to have fairly liberal visitation with her (we have NO formal or informal "agreements) because he has proven himself time and again over the years to have her best interests at heart. The primary way he has and does do this is by respecting me as her mother...he ASKS permission to talk with her or to visit...if the visit is not convenient, he NEVER mentions it to her (that he wanted to see her and I said no)...he refers to me as her mother and my husband as her father. He is very loving and dependable, rarely breaking a promise to her and then only for a really good, and well explained reason. All these things lay a foundation not only of trust, but demonstrate that he really does see her reality for what it is and validates it. On the other hand, my step-daughter (who is his exwife and the bio mother of my daughter) is the exact OPPOSITE. She does everything she can to undermine me (no so much their dad) and disrespects me. Both bios are in their 30's now and she still can't get it together. The bdad and I NEVER talk about bmom, and vice versa. You should not, in my opinion, say anything whatsoever about the bmom to any of the people in this child's like, as it will backfire. I urge you to get counselling, not because you are lacking or anything personal about you, but this is a complicated situation and the child is too precious to make "mistakes" with. This is why adoptive parents sometimes are fearful of contact with bioparents: We must protect our children from any threat to their emotional well-being, and unfortunately, sometimes that threat comes (however unintended it might be) from their birth parents. After several sessions with a counselor experienced in this area, you will not feel so badly, I'm sure. You will have tools with which to take your privilege of seeing your birthson seriously and appropriately, and if his parents don't allow it at this time, then you will have tools to cope with that. I wish you all the best.
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