Help!

From following your other posts, I know you have tried and tried with your sons bfamily. Lots of people would have taken a break from their OAҒs after putting up with what you have and rightfully so IMO. If he wants to go to school, he can get financial aid to help support his family. Plus, there are many services available to them. I would suggest that. Assuming they arent homeless right now, they can work and save for an apartment and may even be able to get vouchers (challenging in some areas but they should certainly look into it). There comes a point in time where we need to learn to fish Җ They are about to become parents. I hate to think that a child may get put in the middle of their hardships. That said, you shouldnt be expected to provide financial support if they arenҒt willing to do the same. Are they open to sitting down and making a parenting plan with your support? I cant see you giving them $$ without a commitment from them. They are young Җ it sounds like they could use someone to help them with some grown up planning You have been more than patient IMO... IŒm sorry they keep putting you in such in a tough spot

Oceans~We have offered to help him find a good job, but he refused. He thinks we "owe" him. I don't think we owe him anything! We have already taken on their child plus we have other kids as well. I am a SAHM who believes a child needs his mother to be home with him. I stayed home with my other kids as well. My DH's ex is supposedly helping them. I'll believe it when I see it. I guess I am just angry about the whole situation. And I am angry about being in this situation, too! How much more do I have to take?

You don't owe him anything...That's for sure. I am trying to be kind but he needs to grow up and become responsible for his family. You should be angry about the disrespect and putting you in this situation. And quite frankly given their past behavior, you don't have to take any of it IMO. If I were an aparent I would not put up with threats or disputing my motherhood to be honest. The latter may be a counseling issue in some cases but in yours, she probably believes it (from your past posts). I guess the question is, what are you willing to take because that is probably what they will give you (unfortunately). Is there anyway hubby can lay down the law with his son? Sounds like he needs a good old fashion talking to....

All I can say is thank goodness for Cymbalta! (I am on it for my PADS) I am at the point of telling them off! My DH has had the "talk" with him numerous times and my sson always promises he'll do what's needed. It hasn't happened yet! I feel like I should put up with it because of this beautiful baby. I read all of these people talking about how wonderful their OA's are and I think "Why can't that be me?" Our's is not wonderful, but I keep taking it and I keep getting walked on. Am I a bad amom if I don't take it? Is it going to ruin my son if I don't have this great relationship with them?

It sounds like you are putting in all the effort for a great OA and they are doing nothing but taking advantage of you and not even trying to make the effort at all. I would set some serious limits. You certainly don't have to be responsible for their choices in life. You've already adopted one child of theirs. Are you now supposed to step in and provide them with money for the second one they say they want to parent? Frankly, from what you describe, I don't see that they are even capable of parenting the new baby, as it seems like they are expecting you to just throw money at them without a real solid plan. They seem very entitlement minded and immature. You've been very accommodating with your OA, are, in fact, this child's parent, and now she tells you you are not the mother and never will be? What is up with that? And what is with the threats of "watch your back"?? That would concern me, frankly, as it is an outright threat. Personally, I think this is a more difficult situation because of the family tie. Still, I would talk with your husband, present a united front and set some serious limits, and perhaps refer them to a social worker who could help them with whatever they need to try to get on track (if they are even able to). I wouldn't do the work for them or even get involved so much. There is too much enmeshment as it is, it seems. I don't think you are a witch for saying NO, as if you keep enabling them, they will keep taking advantage of you and will never grow up. I also don't think you should feel obligated to them. They are making poor choices it seems, and expecting you to come to the rescue. There is a fine line between wanting to help/being supportive and enabling. I think they have crossed the line into putting you in a position where you will end up continuing to enable them. Just MHO. You asked "how much more will I have to take?" Answer: No more. Ann Landers once said "no one can take advantage of you without your permission." It is hard for a lot of people, especially women, to say no without feeling guilty, but if you don't wish to take any more of this, you will have to say no and mean it. They won't like it, of course, and will probably push back, but you must stick to your limits. Again, it will be helpful if you have your husband backing you up on this. As far as if it will "ruin" your son if you don't have a great relationship with the bparents, how can you have a great relationship with people who won't allow a great relationship? They sound like users at this point and unless/until that changes, you really cannot have a healthy relationship with them. If it is all one sided on your end, you will be taken advantage of, treated like a doormat, have your health and well being negatively impacted, your parenting of this child compromised, etc. So you will be modeling for your son that it's A-OK to have people walk all over you just because they are related. He will grow up thinking, "my mom let my birthparents interfere, treat her like crap, and take advantage of my family, because they thought it would be best for me." Does that make sense? Let me ask you this: If the bdad was not related, would you find their behavior acceptable? Would you feel obligated to give, give, give and have them take, take, take? Somehow I don't think so. Now, I wouldn't badmouth the birthparents to your son, but neither would I continue to have them take advantage of me. Really, serious limits need to be set with serious consequences for abusive emails and threats. Can I also ask how they are prepared for another baby if, just a short time ago, they attempted to parent and couldn't manage it? What has changed in the last year that they feel ready now for another child? Do they (and you) honestly think you giving the money for the bdad to go to school and her to stay home will work? Do you think they will succeed this time at parenting? And what if not?? Will they expect you to adopt this child too??? And then get pregnant again????

I'm not sure you shouldn't tell them off... Actually, I think you should post this on the General Adoptive Parents support board. Lots of folks there that have dealt with this. Lots of first moms will respond as well. I think you're a great amom... and you don't deserve this at all. I am not in an OA (so take this for what it's worth) but I think a bad relationship will be harder on your son than no relationship at all. I have confidence that you will protect him from what you can... I wonder what his bparents will say to him as he grows older tho if the whole "I am his mother" and "you owe me" attitudes keep up... Cross post this... You need to get some boundaries in place and you will probably get some good advice. Personally, I'm lousy at boundaries LOL Btw: I laughed at the Cymbalta comment - hehehe - Sorry :) :grouphug:

Just Peachy~Thank you! I needed a good kick in the butt! I am tired of being a door mat. I don't want my son to grow up thinking it's ok to be a user. That is exactly what they are. They are not prepared to parent a child. We will NOT adopt again. They had their chance to get it together, but I do worry about this new one. I know it's not my problem, but it is my grandchild. I don't think they will end up parenting this child either. They will pass it off to anybody else after the newness wears off. My DH is very supportive. He tells me not to worry about what they think. But, as a mother, that is really hard. I guess I take the weight of the world on my shoulders and I care way too much how they feel. What about my feelings? Oceans~Thank you for the encouragement! I really appreciate what you have to say and how you feel! I am not a first mom so I worry that I will do or say the wrong thing! I don't know how to cross-post. I'll try to figure it out tomorrow. I have 2 little ones who need to go to bed. BTW~Cymbalta, It does this mom good!

I adopted my grandson and for a while my daughter tried to use the "you owe me because you took my son" and the "I am still your child too" cards. I admit I gave a lot -- in fact way too much -- until I reached the point where I said "No more!" and meant it. I did not "take" her son. I "took responsibility for" my grandson. Yes, she is and always will be my CHILD. But in the eyes of society she is an ADULT and must start acting like one. The same is true of you and your husband. It is so hard, especially since another baby is involved. But you must say NO and stick to it. Keep in touch if they will let you and be prepared to send CPS to rescue the new baby if they do not "step up" and act like parents. It is the kindest thing you can do -- for your stepson, your adopted son, and his sibling-to-be.

I was worried after re-reading my post that I came off too harsh! I know I got worked up, but I just hate to see people taken advantage of. The situation just sounded so unfair to not only you, but your husband and children--and it truly is. You are doing so much and really stepping to the plate with all this. I admire your courage, actually, as I don't know if I could do all you are doing if I were in the situation. Just stay strong, and don't let your step son and his girlfriend manipulate you. They are still teenagers, so they will be likely pulling out all the stops with regard to guilt trips, angry outbursts and using the kid(s) to get you to do stuff for them. Sit down and get very clear about what you want the boundaries to be. Maybe write them down, you and your husband, and make sure it only involves what you are comfortable doing/giving. You know your limitations. Then sit down with them and give them the written agreement. If you need to get CPS or law enforcement involved, so be it. They can choose a different path and avoid that entirely, but they need to know there will be consequences if they disrupt your life, threaten you, put their child in an abusive or neglectful situation, etc.

Mama S~So you really know where I am coming from. How long ago did you adopt your grandson? Has it gotten easier? I feel like it's going to be a never ending battle. I really let my guilt get in the way of logical thinking. JustPeachy~It was not too harsh! I know I need it! I am a push over, but I am working on that! I need to protect my family! I cannot let them interfere! I was trying to find a balance where we could all get along, but I don't think it's going to work. I really wanted a first moms opinion. I don't want to be overly mean or come off as vindictive. I think if we had been looking to adopt and did it with strangers it would have been easier! RELATIVE ADOPTION STINKS!!!! (But, I love my baby! :) )