alleged birth father wants to visit son at OUR church????

Boy, that is a tough one! In public it's so much easier to say "get lost". Even at church I have certain people I just tend to avoid for my own personal, albeit likely seen as un-Christian, reasons. I'm very flawed (according to some bparents) and likely need church more than others ;) If their intentions or words can/could cause harm then I tend to turn it around that their actions are completely un-Christian and as an adult God requires me to protect the child in my care, whether that be a legal child, biochild, or other child. If I were in your situation and they showed up, I'd sit away from them and surround yourself with other congregation members who can support you. If he approaches I'd be sure to have the cw card with me. I'd hand him the card and simply state "you need to contact this cw before you have any contact with E." Likely he would walk off but if not then I'd excuse myself from the rest of the congregation and leave. In all my years as a foster parent I've fortunately never been put in a situation where I was approached at church... I truly feel for you.

Our FC's grandparents know where we live (Gramma was actually one of DH's college students last year-before we became FP's) and have called us out of the blue and told us they would "be there at the drop of a hat" if we needed anything. They are very pushy and persistent. I have no doubt that if they knew where we went to church they would suddenly decide to attend there, too. We have been told that in no uncertain terms are they to have contact with the kids outside of supervised visitations. And that we should always have our letter that states they are in our custody at foster children handy and to CALL THE POLICE and then children's CW. It is very unsettling to know that in this small town we will no doubt eventually run into these people and it will be so hard on the children. I feel for you! Chruch should be a place where you feel safe!

Ok, I'll admit up front that I'm not a regular church goer - so take what I'm going to say with that in mind - but if it were me and we were close to finalization and if people at church were being at all "weird" about me being the parent and/or inviting possible birth parents to church just to see the child then I think I'd stop attending that church and go to another one. I know that for many, many people leaving a particular chuch is very difficult and I can appreciate that so if you don't feel you can leave that church then I understand that too. But that is what I would do. Or maybe take a little "time off" from that church and see if the alleged dad looses interest.

If I were getting vibes that a large number of my fellow churchgoers did not approve of me as the potential parent of my future child, I would also look into changing churches. That atmosphere will not be good for the child.

I'm sorry I was very upset when I wrote and I mirepresented, all of our church is very supportive of us adpoting E. What I was writing about is that I have noticed that most of the AA community where we live feels that no matter if we adopt E, he belongs to his birth family, I mean we are simply taking care of him, blood is more important. Most AA's who are brave enough to say anything to me appreciate that we are caring for him, but there are several misconseptions in regards to adoption. There is only one man in our congregation, the one mentioned, that shares that consensus that I have noted with many of my AA associates, that no matter what he will always belong to his birth family. He is always telling me "thank you" for being a foster parent, its the adoption thing that I just dont' think they 'get'. I honestly did not even know this man knew E or his connection to his friend who alleges to be his bdad. After thinking about it I know E's alleged birth father could easily find out where we attend church, due to a total different child we fostered and a connection he has to that birth family, long story. The man who attends church is very vocal about where he goes to church and is always trying to get people to come, he is sweet about it, I was more upset when I originally posted then I am now. The more I think about it, he was most likely trying to help E's alleged birth father get to church when he approached my husband about E. I tried to call our SW today, no return phone call. I'm really afraid of him showing up to church. Its not something I feel comfortable with.

I would probably let someone in the church know in case something happened that needed attention if the bfather did show up. Maybe the pastor or deacon. If he did show I would try to get the child to the car or somewhere safe, and tell him that this is NOT the place for a visit. If he wants to pursue an open adoption, the time and place to discuss that could be set if you are open to it. *I have adopted from foster care and it is a thought in the back of my mind that I will run into the bfamily. We are unable to even attempt an open adoption due to the abuse.

You may wish to consider going to another church temporarily. Once the adoption is final you have the police to back you up--no one may approach or speak to your child without your permission. You will be able to get a restraining order if necessary once the adoption is final. What a shame that the place you should feel safe and supported is now a place you need to be careful. Would the pastor be supportive enough to ask this person to find a new church home, or say that being close to the child is not a reason to attend this church? Will be thinking of you--

Tell the nice gentleman at church that right now is not a good time. I would not stop going to church, and most particularly since you have indicated the amount of support you have there. As far as the AA community goes, (I am assuming AA means African American and not Asian American), yes, culturally, there might be the belief that an adopted child is still a member of the birth family. That's an issue you and your family will probably have to have a game plan on how to handle. And you may be surprised at the support your church family AA or not will provide to you.

Whoa! I would have your hubby talk to your Pastor for sure. Your Pastor can arrange to have Elders and Deacons sit near you whilst you are in this situation. Your SW/CW can help you with input and also get a court order in place if you need one. The truth is that this alleged dad can go through proper channels - church isn't one of them. You don't have to hand him a card or even speak to him.

Thanks for all the advice.Full Quiver Mamma-you said exactly what SW and attorney said-you know your stuff! Well more to the story...and warning its long, but some background information. I found out why this man is so interested in all of the sudden being dad, and it has nothing to do with him but a cousin.Our son was freed for adoption in March, this man is the "notice father" there were two men before him claiming to be dad. He filed a paternity petition and then did not show up for the paternity hearing. He looks NOTHING like my son. I know that could be deiciving but I would be suprised if he was actually the birth father. This was all months ago. He has not shown any interest before or after filing this random petition. He is not on the birth certificate. He is being pushed by a cousin/aunt of my son's who feels very strongly that he belongs with blood family. Its blood belongs with blood. He was legally abandoned, and literally abandoned, left in a car at 3 months old, a man took him to the police station, I always thank God for him. At first they tried to find a family placement for him some showed interest but did not follow through. Most of his family I have met through totally random channels are supportive of me and respect me as his foster mom, actually hugging/crying/thanking me. I think adoption is sticky for them. About a year ago I met the cousin, I didn't know her, I didn't know she was related to E, she recognized him when I used his name. We were in line at a health clinic for my foster baby girl's Dr's appointment. She then said she knew him that she was his Aunt, thanked me for taking care of him, cried, commented on how he looked like his mom, tried to take a cell phone picture of him-I told her not to, finally blurted out "I want him!" In a very reactive moment of shock I said "you can't have him." Thinking she wanted to take him from me that very moment. I then ended the conversation. This chance meeting is how I randomly met most of my son's extended family. She had about 5 people there who were related to him. It was like being ambushed. I run into some of them occassionally. They are all very sweet to me and thank me, with exeption of this one woman. Its so odd...very irritating, she has it out for him being adopted outside of his family, I think it was my reaction of "you can't have him". Apparenty she is interrogating several people who go to our church and live in a certain neighborhood personal information about our family and E. I have a very good friend who called and told me what was going on. The notice father has no real interest in E, other then what he is being pushed to do and to call himself "dad" and see E occasionally. I also hear rumors that he has 15+ children, none live with him, but he's the proud pappa...I don't know if thats true but if it is I highy doubt he's the type to really go much out of his way and I would be suprised if he shows up at church. This woman is blowing smoke. She must have heard E was freed for adoption, most likely from the notice father, who received info on that. She loved E's birth mom, good friends growing up, and is very sad over her life choices. So our plan is this, if dad or cousin show up at church we are going to leave and say E is having breathing issues, which isn't a lie he's always wheezing with his Asthma. I will tell them, should they ask, they are to contact CPS PERIOD, that is all I am supposed to tell them. Pastor is instructed to inform them of this. After that should they continue to harrass people that we know, and come to church for specific reason of seeing E CPS will take out a restraining order. I have informed our pastor and one other man in our chuch. They are going to meet with the person who offered to bring him to church and tell him of the situation so he understands there cannot be a meeting at church and if notice dad wants a visit he would have to contact CPS and talk to them, hopefully we will avoid this all together. I'll let CPS give him the bad news. Wow that was long...I'll let you know if anything happens.

I'm not sure where you are but in many state the make parents of children in foster care pay for child support. It is rather amazing how many alleged dads head to the hills once they find out that IF they are the dad they will be forced to pay the state while their child is in care. Sadly some like the idea of being a dad much more than the responsibiltiy of paying to be the dad! Lots of alleged dads then try to prove they are NOT the dad. Maybe your alleged dad would do the same, since he has shown not too much interest if he was told he would have to pay child support for his child. (and yes, they make moms pay too - so it isn't a bias against dads). The amount is pro-rated and the judge decides on it and can waive it for good reason (like if the parent is saving money for a downpayment on an apartment as part of the case plan) but it always seemed like a pretty good idea to me to make parents who are only interested in being parents in theory either step up and be parents or back out.

For all the worry it ended up that the man who claims to be ds father is not even "notice dad". Yes, there is yet another man claiming to be E's daddy. E's birth mom must have had an interesting life.About a year ago I ran into a woman at a Dr's appointment at a clinic. That is how this all started. She got a bee in her bonnet to get him away from us. It hasn't worked but she is the one that has initiated all of this. Also this man claiming to be E's dad approached the older man who comes to our church not the other way around. Older man was very hesitant to let him come with him not feeling his intensions were good. That is why he talked to dh. This alleged dad does not have a good repuataion. Older man also spoke with our church leaders and explained the situation so they were aware. He talked with me at length on Sunday and I felt much better but also flabergasted. He told me how much he supported us parenting E, in his own words and that "it doesn't matter who claims to be his parents, we all know who he belongs to." I very much appreciated him after speaking with him. I hadn't realized how connected and small the community is in our city and how much gossip going on about me and our family. I've been oblivous to it. It is rare for a caucasion family to adopt a full AA child in our community. I knew that. I know we stand out. I have always had a lot to do with the volunteer work and people know me. Dh is a well known figure in the community, EVERYONE uses him for their pets.I was actually watching ds play with an AA teenage boy while talking, they were too far away to hear but then I was blind sided as I was told that if this alleged dad is his father as he claims to be, that E and teenage boy are half brothers. Ummm ya. In shock I told man thanks for letting me know but please don't bring this up again to ANYONE as we don't know who his father is. I would actually appreciate this connection for E as its very positive.Teenage boy loves E and its rare for E to go to anyone but myself at church, E adores him. Teenage boy often scoops him up and plays with him after services. I always felt it was sweet of him and thought it was more of a mentor thing. I've known this boy for years, went to his 5th grade graduation, spent time with him, his sister, his mom... Now realizing he has most likely been told they share the same birth dad. But for crying out loud nobody knows who our son's birth father is so its kind of null to talk about it. This really threw me off. Our son is 2 years old right now but eventually we will need to deal with all this talk and rumor stuff. I have to admit I am very upset that there are people out there who feel it is their right to disrupt our lives on a hunch that they think our soon to be adopted son may be related to them. But at the same time I feel it will blow over.

I'm glad everything seems to be working out. But I wanted to offer my response if anything happens in the future.I would just smile and say, "I don't have the authority to schedule visitations with (fs). You would need to call DCS and ask them. Unless they tell me it's ok, we will not be able to allow it." It's simple and totally takes the "blame" off of you, so you don't have to feel bad.

Wow I feel for your situation but saying this is a man who has done one too many drugs and how the "AA" Community feels just kind of makes me feel unsympathetic. Just wow is all I can say.

I'm new at this so not sure how it works but wouldn't the state just make the men claiming to be fathers do a dna test before they even worry about giving them visitation rights.