Adopting an older child

This is not particularly from an adoptees point of view, but from my point of view as a respite provider/post-adoption support, with a special interest in Haiti (as I served a mission trip there several years ago).It's very hard to determine the odds without knowing the children's background. If the children were abused, either in their birth home or in the orphanage, there are likely to be many difficulties. In Haiti the most common reason for children being placed for adoption is poverty, the parents are unable to feed them & relinquish them in hopes that they will have a better life (or often, any life at all). It is also not uncommon for children from Haiti to have many siblings, as there is no form of birth control available in Haiti & many women have a child every year. I have seen many children adopted from Haiti, and those that came from a stable, loving family and were in a high quality orphanage are typically able to form healthy attachments, though there are always the typical grief & loss issues that you will face when adopting an older child, not to mention the culture/language adjustment! However, I have also seen children adopted from Haiti who have significant attachment issues beacause of trauma. Especially with the political unrest right now, it is not uncommon for children to have seen people, including family members, slaughtered. So it can go both ways. The up side of things is that FAS & drug exposure are nearly unheard of in Haiti, as no one has the money to buy alcohol & drugs. I don't think their ages will make a particular difference (though you'll be hitting the hormonal teen years at the same time as other adjustment issues are occuring, which could be tough)--it's more their background that will determine if they are able to attach. If you do go through with the placement make sure to visit their relatives, get lots of photos--and with luck you'll have an agency that is willing to facilitate continued contact. Haiti is one of the few international countries where open adoption is a possibility, and it's wonderful for the children to be able to maintain those connections. If you'd like to PM me with the agency you are going through & the orphanage they place from I may be able to give you more feedback. It's been a few years since I've been up to date on the adoption situation in Haiti, but I do know of many of the larger orphanages.

This isn't from an adopted person's point of view either but I thought I'd chime in anyway. I have two kids who are considered older adopted as they came home at age 7 and almost-5. Both of them have biological siblings and one has two living birth parents (the other only has one). My 5 year old remembers his brother who the birth parents kept and then relinquished after his adoption was already complete. We were given the option of adopting the brother but since Micah was already our 3rd adoption that year we didn't think we should. The brother ended up being adopted by another family in our state and we're going to try to make sure the boys have contact at least occasionally right now and probably more once they're older. Micah remembers his brother Obediah and talks about him sometimes. When he first came home he missed him terribly. Now I think that has eased a bit though he does still talk about him sometimes. Micah occasionally talks about his "Liberia Ma and Pa" and we encourage him to talk about them but he usually only tells us negative experiences related to them. He doesn't appear to miss them much, though he does miss some of his caregivers at the orphanage. My 7 year old has 7 siblings who all stayed with the birth mom. Lillian was only relinquished because she is deaf. Lillian doesn't appear to remember any of her siblings. She never talks about them and I'm not sure she even realized her baby brother (who was with the birth mother when I met her) is even related to her. Lillian will look at the pictures and say "that's my Africa Mom" but she is very practical about it and might as well be saying "that's the lady who sold oranges on the corner". She never talks about her. Sadly, she didn't have any relationship with her birth mom because they had no way to communicate and because Lillian was sent away at a very young age. Lillian did miss some of her friends from the orphanage and we stay in touch with one of the girls who was adopted here in the states. So, all of that is to say that kids react differently based on a lot of things. Ideally you would find out what each child's personality is, how much interaction they've had with the birth family, was it negative or positive, etc. Some children have bad experiences with their birth parents or may just get lost in the shuffle if there are a lot of children and the parents are struggling to survive. Some kids may have attached to birth parents and some may not. It is really hard to tell until they get home. I wouldn't let the fact that these children have family ties keep you from adopting them. If they are positive ties then they will probably help the girls bond to you and if negative then they'll affect them whether or not the birth parents are still involved. So much of attachment depends on the child's personality and the way he or she has perceived their separation from their birth families. Lillian sees her adoption as her family (us) came to rescue her from a bad situation (her orphanage was a very bad situation) and now she is safe and loved. Micah sees his adoption as everything was going fine with his birth family and all of a sudden these people showed up in a car and took him to the orphanage. Then he waited there a while and this nice family brought him to America but he's not convinced we'll stay around. He is not at all convinced that "those people in the car" won't show up and take him away from here too. The result is that Lillian has had almost no trouble at all attaching to us but Micah still really struggles. I guess the point of my post is that it is almost impossible to know what kids will attach well and which ones won't. I think you have to go into older child adoption with the expectation that things might be hard for a while but that making a difference in the life of a child is worth it. Be sure to prepare and read and talk to other families who have adopted older children. Be ready for your girls and that will help so much as you all work to become a family. Sorry this got so long! Thanks for reading. :)