Will it be difficult??

More difficult than you can ever imagine. Please think about your other children as well. While the eldest may not mind losing a sibling to adoption, how do your other children feel. Right now it sounds as if this pregnancy is being viewed as an inconvienience, coming at a difficult time in your life. Soon though, this pregnancy will be a baby, a baby that you and your husband created in love and is a part of every member of your family as well. Placing a child for adoption creates deep losses that last a lifetime. A child will not be raised with his/her parents and your children will miss growing up with a sibling. For the child you are carrying there are losses too. They will grow up being an outsider to your immediate family. Both of you will be on the outside looking in. You, too, will have to see your brother's wife take over your role as mom. While it may sound like a good solution now, it is painful seeing your child call another woman mom, run to them when they are hurt or need comfort, receive the kisses and hugs that are meant for moms only. Please read about the trauma and grief birthparents experience. Please read about the losses that many adoptees struggle with. Placing a child for adoption should always be the last resort, when all other avenues fail. If you need resources, or you just want to talk, please pm me.

You do not have to make any kind of decision.. you can keep your thoughts to yourself and decide when you are ready to decide.. Healing from giving a child up for adoption depends IMO on who made the decision.. and how it was made.. If you tell your brother and his wife then a situation has been created in which you will have to say yes or no to when the baby is born.. You can tell them on the last day of the decision.. Don't run from yourself in other words.. Don't let others persuade you when you have given them power they need not have. Bromanchik is good people.. she is a wise woman and she probably can help you on terms of current adoption practices.. I relinquished in the closed era.. Jackie

There are no exact words to describe the difficulty of relinquishing a child. I encourage you to seek out blogs written by mothers who have relinquished, both the good and the bad, to get the whole story.Furthermore, I encourage you to do some research about in-family adoptions and the unique difficulty that these situations provide families. They're not easy.

I think waiting is a good idea. Backing out of an adoption plan with strangers is one thing, but with family -- I would imagine would be a lot more difficult for you. I am also hoping to adopt, and my sister who I am close with has joked several times that if she gets pregnant again she would let me adopt. They are struggling to afford raising the child they have now. They had planned to get a vasectomy but for some medical rason they can't do it right now. When I was considering IVF she said she would be an egg donor for me and we were seriously considering it, but somehow this is very different. I told her that I wasn't so sure that would be a good idea. It would be hard for me to ever feel like the Mom. I would feel it would put a strain on our relationship. I would feel like it would be too weird for us and for the child to know that his aunt was his birthmom. I would feel like when the baby got older and they were more established that maybe they might want him back and I might feel like him being with his birthmom was the right thing to do. So basically what I am saying is I'm just not sure I would be "thrilled" if this situation was presented to me. I would probably try to convince my sister to parent her child. I know she wouldn't adopt out her child to anyone else but me. So be prepared for this kind of response if you do decide its what you want. Good luck. I hope you can make a decision that feels right. M

i would not put a lot of weight on what the teenager says. i bet he will love the baby the most. i would not do it - the ripples on everyone is lifelong and huge. listen to brenda. BTW a friend was telling us about how horrified he was when he mother fell pregnant when he was 14. But him and his little sister are very close as adults.

It is more difficult and (for me) life altering than one can ever imagine. It is not something you do once, move on, get over etc. I think some of the additional stresses put on expectant mothers come from themselves. For example, you stated, how warm a feeling you get thinking of having your brother and his wife adopt your baby. There are several wonderful people, wonderful couples, wonderful parents out there. I am sure many are better parents than I am; HOWEVER - I do not believe anyone is a better parent for my children than I am. It has taken me long to get to this statement. Because I was a young birthmother (17), I think you are trained to recognize how much better everyone seems to be to parent your child than you are. When I had my children, it was weird to not be compared to everyone else who could seemingly do a much better job. But of course, this time around, I was married so society saw my parenting as acceptable. I am sure your brother and his wife are wonderful and will be wonderful parents, but does that have to mean to your child. What about all the questions - Why did you keep them and you didn't keep me? Why did you keep us and you aren't keeping ______? Just as examples - coming from this child and from your other children. I cannot speak for anyone else so I can only give you examples of things I have encountered, and one thing I don't think I ever thought of long ago (nor did my parents) was how my parents decision also changed the dynamic of my children's family. My children have been robbed of a sibling. My bson will never have sisters (he has 2 bio sisters - my daughters) but he has been raised with a brother. My son, who would love an older brother (and technically has one) doesn't have one. The mother instinct in me would have done anything to keep all my children together - no holds barred - but that is my opinion based on what I have lived. Good luck!

There are no words to explain how difficult this will be....difficult doesn't even do justice to the pain you and your family will feel.

There are no words to express how much pain there will be. There are no words to say how difficult it will be, even years down the road.

I felt like adoption was my best choice. Considering how everything turned out on one level, I still beleive that BUT it was very difficult for me. It helps that I'm in reunion now, but knowing what I missed out has made it even harder sometimes.

Right now I believe that adoption was the best choice for us, however, that doesn't mean it was any easier or is any easier right now.

yes I also agree with you looking into this more with some research on all sides of the tirad. as I have read many adoptee's stories, how your child may be affected is something you should consider also. the fact that your whole family stayed together...but only he was given away.your child may have a lot of pain when he realizes, that "he" was the only child given up....IMO You need to seek out more information on how he may feel about this later.you just have to be sure you can answer his questions about all this later in life.

As an adoptive mom in an open adoption who has watched my daughter's entire birthfamily grieve, I can tell you that it will be very difficult. Ask yourself: would you consider placing this child if your brother and his wife weren't currently waiting to adopt? Sometimes it seems unfair that one couple might want to have children so badly and can't, while another couple has more children than they can think they can handle. Perhaps you think adoption is the solution to both his and your problem? In-family adoptions are tough. I would not agree to parent a child that my sister or niece wanted to place for adoption because the dynamic, I feel, would be awkward. I would always be conscious of the fact that my relative was hurting when she saw me as the mother to her biological child. Your brother and his wife may feel the same way if you mention your idea to them. If they are on board, it would also feel next to impossible to disappoint them after the baby is born if you decide to parent. Your situation doesn't sound awful (of course, I dont know all the details). You are already a good mom to four other kids, you can also be a good mom to five (my husband is the youngest of 10 kids and they all turned out fine). Maybe you could view this as an opportunity to realign your priorities and spend more time together as a family? Assure your son that you wonҒt ask him to be a permanent babysitter to your new child (but that youll all have to help out). Together, you may be able to do this. Good luck to you.