Somebody PLEASE tell me of a good outcome...

(((Hugs)))) I wish I could tell you that it will all get better--and sometimes it does, but unfortunately there is no guarentee. All you can do is love the child unconditionally & hope that somehow, some day, they will allow themselves to acknowledge that love. And loving a child unconditionally does NOT mean you don't get frusterated, overwhelmed, and downright angry on occasion (or even most of the time)! The increase in behaviors may actually be a sign that they are attempting to avoid attaching, that the desire is there and they are fighting against it with everything they have in them--because they can't stand to be hurt/betrayed again. If it helps, I had insecure attachment patterns & RAD-ish traits (diagnosed with BPD as an adult), and have completely overcome them & and now have a healthy (for the most part) relationship with my parents. But that didn't happen until I was willing to admit that the problems were there--and unfortunately some of these kids are so deeply entrenched in survival mode that they can never make themselves vulnerable enough to heal.

I think there is always hope. I see progress in my oldest. He is almost 11 now and I am dreading the teen years though sometime I feel like I am already living thru them. I see some of the attachment now. I am seeing more as we continue to address the severe trauma he experienced. I always think there is hope.

Parenting an attachment disordered kid is hard and at times does feel helpless. Mouse turns 20 this month. At 9, I was told he was dangerous and would NEVER attach. It took an incredibly long time, it was hard and sometimes scary. We did intense, controversial therapy with mouse. At 13 he suddenly became a cling on child and didn't want to be away from me. This drove me crazier then the bizaare self harm, violent, false abuse claiming previous behaviors. AT 16, mouse got his first job and lost his need to cling. He now hows a good relationship with us, his brothers, God, and friends. He works full time and he's in the army reserves. Ru is 19. He tried to kill me several times. He was a very scary kid and well on his way to becoming a sociopath by the age of 12. He was in and out of residential all of his teen years. At 19, he is in the army. He calls me 3 of more times a week, he shows interest in his brothers, he has worked hard on understanding relationships. He has issues with emapthy-he knows what it is but doesn't feel it. He did however, research is and does attempt to understand it in other people. I think he cares about us-he seems to. He no longer has any criminal interests either. My 11 year old I believe is fully attached as well. His issues are mostly normal for his age, though he has food related issues. Don't give up hope. There are new things to try all the time. Not sure of your child's age or history. The trauma leaves a lot of scars and a lot to deal with. It's painful to be the parent. You might try the support groups at [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network - ATN[/url] as well.

well. i almost lost my mind on this adventure. it has been a little over 5 years now, and just about a month ago i thought we might both survive long enough for her to reach adulthood. lol. we've had our ups and downs.....more downs.....we tried too many things to list, but basically we just kept trying new things . there were lots of days i gave up, and i honestly could tell about 100 horror stories for each good one i have. but i will give you a little light at the end of the tunnel.dd is now 13. she is on meds, and she is homeschooled. she is no longer able to receive gifts from other people,or be without a parent at any time....she IS free to be without one in our house...which was not always the case..... this also means no sunday school, no parties, no friends, no trips to grandma's. nothing. it was very hard at first.....but i think it really taught us both to get along, bc really we are all we have all day! we fought like mad for the first 6 months of this. she was on high alert, and i was doing my best to not allow her to upset me.....but, i'm human, and she is "good" at what she does, so it was difficult. about 2 months ago my father passed away. i was sure this would set off her PTSD since she has some issues with family death. i braced for war....and instead, she was compassionate. she cried...for someone other than herself. she mostly cried for her grandma, but i'll take it. since then, she has been so helpful and sweet. we have our moments, but overall, she is just such a different person. when she misbehaves now, she will cry, and it actually looks like she is disappointed in herself, she is happy, and she never was before, she hugs me and thanks me for things i do for her, that never happend either. she is kind to her siblings and pets. she has just changed so much! let me get this straight, we are far from a fairytale life, she still struggles, i still lose my mind, but it is NOTHING like it has been in the past. if i could go back in time and tell myself this day would come where i would start to feel like she might actually make it, i would have felt so much better about being in the trenches. i still worry. i still know that she will be happier not living here, she will be happier without parents looking over her shoulder. my goal for her really right now is that when she moves out, she will know that we care enough about her that she can come to us for assistance if she needs it. i still doubt that she will ever see me as a mom....but i can honestly say for the first time EVER, this month i can actually see her as my daughter. and that is BIG. i see her breaking down and caring about people.....slowly and cautiously, but it is there...

You have given us hope. It looks like the hard shell is slowly coming off. I cannot help but wonder what that would look like in my daughter . . . I wish you continued breakthru's. I'm sure this has gotta be the hardest thing ever. I know it has been for me and my family. How do you give yourself a break??

I'd encourage you to come over to the Yahoogroup called Daily Parenting Reflections. You'll hear story after story of kids that healed. It's truly inspirational!Love Never Fails!!

Are you seeing an attachment therapist? We were in therapy for years with our kids, in regular talk therapy, and the kids got no where. We have four healed kids thanks to the hard work dh and I put in to attachment parenting and for the attachment therapists we've worked with. We got our kids at 3, 5, 10, 11. We went through attachment therapy with them when they were 5, 7, 15, 16. They are all four fully attached to us now. The average time it took in AT was about a year. The older kids a little longer, the younger kids a little shorter. We're back in attachment therapy with our middle kid for a "tune up". Fell into some old habits and had to nip it in the bud.

The crazy thing about attachment disorders is they are on a spectrum, kids fall in various places of severity. RAD is on one end of the epsctrum but it, too, has varying degrees. My son was diagnosed with RAD and most days he is sweet and loving and empathetic and attached. Then he cycles into dysregulated behaviors; the last time was for 4 months of pure hell. This time the severity is less but the "general pissiness" has lasted a lot longer. My son is pretty low on the RAD spectrum but it still shows itself and, when he is most dysregulated, it's exhausting. I feel like we live on edge all the time. Every time I think about complaining, though, I think that's exactly what's going on in his head, too. I am thankful I have a support system in place of therapists who are working with him on trauma, a husband who understands I get the brunt of our son's anger and is willing to let me run out the door when I need a break even after an 11-hour day at work... I have friends who love my son and a family that accepts him no matter what. And I have a kid who... most days... I adore. :cheer: Hang in there. :cheer: ETA: I just saw how old the OP is! LOL Sorry.

Lucjyjoy, what was your unconventional therapy? Mommytoeli: what meds is your child on?? thanks!!

The therapy we used was what was used at the time but is now considered evil, taboo, and illegal in many states. I will tell you that part of what I did that is still okay is to look at my child's faces everyday. Seems silly and obvious but when a kid spews hate at you all the time, it's easy to NOT look. I think it's important to talk to your child ALOT, but NEVER to lecture. (haven't quite mastered that). I think fresh air, exercise, and dirt are important componants to attachment. My kids fondest memories include digging in the mud, mud painting, fun with leaves, and makeshift fishing pulls on our makeshift raft down the Mississippi river(ha ha-dock on a small pond) I also think EMDR is a great resource to use if your child is willing. There are also lots of neuro and bio feedback things to do if you have the rescources. And I also think food and nutrition play a large part in the strange behaviors our children have.