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I have reason to believe that I am the father of a 28 year old male. The mother left me and my abusive alcoholic behaviors while in her third month of pregnancy. In retrospect I admire her courage and selflessness to carry the child to term under very difficult circumstances.Other than an amends letter in 1994 I have had no contact with her. She married and raised the child along with two other children. I harbor no ill feelings.
I have since married and have four children three yet at home. By the grace of God I have been sober for sixteen years and have reformed my life. I have been busy with my family and haven't given much thought about this until recently.
Perhaps it is a middle age reflection but this past few months I think about the possibilities often. Considering all others, am I foolish to even consider making a contact with him? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Mike
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Mike,That is a great letter. You show that you are willing to take a step in a relationship, yet you are leaving the ball in your sons corner. I do believe that even if children aren't ready for a relationship it is so important to have medical history. You are a brave person to put yourself out there. Good luck and keep us posted.
I think this is a great contact letter. I like the fact that you took responsibility for your actions. The only thing that bothers me a bit (and bother is a strong word, more like I would change the wording type of thing) is this part: You didn't include him, I would be hurt for my daughters if they ever received a letter from their birthparents and excluded them as part of their children. I guess I just wouldn't want them to feel rejected.
Good luck!
Celtics
I am married and have four children.
Hi Mike! Congratualtions on your sobriety! What an accomplishment! I am an adoptee, female, 42 years old. I liked your letter. It was striaght forward as the one poster said and I do like that you did not make excuses, you told it as it was and yet were compassionate and very gracious and spoke well of his mother. I, as an adoptee, would not be offended for you to say you have four children now. Especially since you are not 100% sure this is your child and the fact that you did not parent him. Maybe better wording to cover all bases would be, since your mother left I have married and had four children. This way it is unassuming. How it is written, he may be upset you didn't include him as one of your children when you mention how many children you have yet, he may be upset that you presume to be a father to him and included him in your count. You have no way of knowing how he feels, so with the wording I suggested, it doesn't offend either way. (Not that I would be offended, but as the one posted mentioned, they might, and since you have no way of knowing where his head is at better safe than sorry.) I think you have the right to reah out to him. Give him time to process everything and give him the right to accept or decline. I think it is wonderful you gave him his health information, rather than using it as a carrot, so to speak, (i.e., if you would like health information, contact me...) He sees by you giving what information he may wonder about with no strings attached, you truly care about him and his feelings. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted. Carolyn
Mike - First congratulations!!! Second - I think your letter is great, BUT - come on ya had to know there could be a but.........Your family health history uh ..... stinks. It could sound like a kiss of death. Please don't misunderstand me, I think it is great you know and can pass this vital information along, and I am trying to lighten the moment some with humor. I would be sad to initially learn, at 28, that I have a bio-dad who is contacting me, and by the way, schedule a physical and have your cholesterol checked. Does that make sense? In JUST MY OPINION, it may be a lot of information to digest at one time. Could you maybe say, you would be happy to provide him with medical information, but would also like the opportunity to know him? I'm just thinking not a lot of 28 year old men go to the doctor that much, let alone are that concerned with their health. Granted, I am not adopted, so I have sort of easy access to my family health history. But my dad suffered a traumatic brain injury 8 years ago, and his parents are now dead. One day, I was with my dad's aunt (my great aunt), and she was telling me of all the people in our family that died of colon cancer, and how she makes sure all her kids get their first screening at 40, and I could only think YUCK! Just my thoughts, but again - congratulations and keep us posted!!!!
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Thanks to all for your well wishes, support and suggestions, they are much appreciated. I have reworded my letter to reflect my openess to future contact and not to offend him by excluding him as a child of mine. "since your mother left I have married and have four children". My wife has been kept abreast of my intentions and while not enthusiastic, I think she understands to some degree. Thanks again to you all.Mike
Just reread my post and thought I better clarify something that may be misconstrued. Though hopes of a reunion seem diminished at present I have learned much from you about this issue and and things related to it in reading other threads. Many of you are very wise and I thank you for sharing. I am very grateful.
Mike
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Hello to you all. I would like to give you an update on my situation. I received an email from my son in early March. This was totally unexpected. As I mentioned in an earlier post,I had sent him a letter which was returned. This happened 3 times. I decided I would try one last time, only this time I would send it to his employer. Three weeks later came his email. It has gone slow and I sense he is a little cautious and I can certainly understand that.
I have to give you all a big thank you! You gave me the encouragement and guidance on how I might proceed. Also I think you helped my wife understand my position. She has been absolutely wonderful. In fact this morning we looked at his Facebook account together.
I am trying to be realistic and I realize it may be sometime before we meet face-to-face. But I am so grateful for what I have now.
Mike
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Mike,It is good to read your update. Slow is good. Take the time to build trust. I think your story is a good example about how many of us mature as we age. I personally am not the same person I was at 21 when I gave birth to the son I placed. In addition, I was in contact with D's bdad until he died and had the privilege of watching him grow as a person as well. Unfortunately, D will never meet him because he died in 2000. I think it is often hard for bparents when they have had no contact since the placement of their children. They remember the other as they were then and often have a difficult time realizing that people do change.I hope your wife will come to peace with the understanding that your bson has a part of your heart too. A relationship with him will actually make you a whole person! God be with you all!
Celtics. Yes. If KG were healthy we would be celebrating two in a row now. . . but wait 'till next year.
I don't know how things will eventually go. I know what I would like but I know it must be on his terms. I must avoid the temptation to push the pace.
Kakuehl you are correct about change. I live with regrets of the past but am very grateful for what I have learned about myself.
Again thanks to you all!
Mike