Institutionalization - Behavior and Eye Contact

My bio son is 19 months old. He is the youngest of our 3 kids. He has no verbal language since he doesn't need to talk. He does some strange things too, but I think it is just a funny age. I could sit and laugh at him all day. Our son is not the type to sit on your lap and do patty cake, read a book, or point out his nose, eyes, ears, etc. Our pedi is a bit concerned that he doesn't talk, but she has not mentioned autism, just that he doesn't have to talk to get what he wants. I hope you can find the answers you need before you have to decide about this little boy. Karla 3 bio kids and paper chasing for an international adoption in Kyrgyzstan

It is very difficult to evaluate an institutionalized child, even if you have experience with children who have not been subject to adverse life experiences. I met my daughter in China when she was 18.5 months old. She was pathetically small, and had limbs like sticks. She was so pale, and her eyes were so big and round in her tiny face, that she didn't look one bit Chinese. She had a million minor illnesses, like scabies, pinkeye, bronchitis, sinusitis, and ear infections. Despite her age, my daughter showed no signs of understanding, much less speaking, either Mandarin or the local dialect. She did not cry or smile, and showed little curiosity. She was like a robot. If you sat her down, she sat; if you set her on her feet, she took a few, weak steps; if you put her in a lying down position, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. In short, the whole thing was scary. I was a single woman of 51. I had never parented, but I had spent four years doing hands-on volunteering with hospitalized, very sick children. And I had never seen anything like my daughter's behavior. I thought about autism, given the robot-like behavior. I thought about major learning issues. Believe me, I thought about it all, especially since none of the other children in our travel group seemed so physically, mentally, and emotionally delayed. I sat in a hotel room with my daughter, without anyone else to talk with, wondering if I should finalize the adoption or request another placement. She seemed so damaged. Somehow, as I sat there with my daughter, I fell back onto my faith. I just couldn't believe that God would have sent me on the trip to China, only to throw me a last minute curve ball. I made the decision to go forward with the adoption, and was on the bus with my daughter when my group and I went to finalize our adoptions that afternoon. And, boy, am I glad I did! Three days later, Becca's grief and shock -- for that was part of what I was seeing -- lifted. I found that I had a huggy/kissy/smiley child, who absolutely LOVED having a Mommy and being adopted. I also found that I had such a curious child that she fell headlong into the empty bathtub while exploring the hotel room -- and yes, she cried; she screamed bloody murder! (Luckily, she didn't even get a bruise.) Within the first week, while I was still in her province, Becca said her first words -- IN ENGLISH! She began saying "hi" and "bye-bye" to everyone, including the hotel housekeepers, who did not speak English. By the time we arrived in DC, she had added "OK" to her vocabulary. When I arrived home, I took Becca to the doctor within the first 24 hours, to get our pediatrician to take some baseline measurements and begin to treat her various illnesses. Despite having seen many adopted children, he was appalled at Becca's small size and tiny head circumference. He gently counseled me that Becca could have lifelong learning issues. By that point, as an "experienced" Mom of about two weeks, I was not as concerned as I might have been. I had a strong feeling that Becca was not lacking in the intelligence department. I had developmental testing done about two months after we got home. Becca turned out to be ABOVE her age level in receptive language -- understanding English! She was only a tiny bit delayed in speech. Her fine motor skills were reasonably good. The only significant delays were in gross motor skills, and I had seen such great progress in that area since we arrived home, that I wasn't too worried. Becca did have some problems with growth, extreme pickiness, and stomachaches. We worked very hard to address them. I even took her through a feeding disorders program at a local hospital. It took a long time, but she finally began to grow normally. There was no question about Becca's attachment. She loved having a Mommy! But she was also a very secure, social child. At our first baby shower, she worked the room like a pro, letting folks feed her yogurt and show her the gifts they had brought her -- but "checking back" frequently to make sure that I was still in sight and that everything was OK. I hadn't gotten Becca's paperwork until about a week after I finalized in China. It was only then that I learned that she may have been with her birth family for the first 9.5 months of her life. And that squared with what I was seeing. SOMEONE had loved this child and nurtured her, with a love that you just don't see in orphanages very often. I believe strongly that her birthparents loved her, and abandoned her only because of circumstances beyond their control, such as one-child policy pressures, extreme poverty, etc. Fast forward to the present. Becca is 12 years old, and going into eighth grade in the Fall. (Yes, she started kindergarten while she was still 4.) She is an outstanding student at a very demanding private school. Becca reads adult books in English, with good comprehension. She is an exceptionally good writer, who recently wrote an essay that earned her a trip to an Indian reservation in Montana with three other students and their teacher. She is a nonstop talker with the vocabulary of an adult. Becca has been studying Hebrew by immersion since kindergarten, and can watch a movie in Hebrew with decent comprehension. She also started French this year, and would like to learn Chinese. Becca's academic skills in other areas are also outstanding. Math and science didn't interest her until the past few years, but she is now fascinated by both, and her grades show it. Or as she will say, with the sarcasm of a 12 year old mocking people's prejudiced beliefs, "Didn't you know that we Chinese are all good in math?" Becca loves animals, especially dogs and horses. She is a competent young horsewoman, who managed to keep her cool once when the horse she was showing took off and looked like it was about to jump a fence into a crowded arena. She stayed on, brought the horse to a stop inches from the fence, and rode it out of the arena, disgusted that she was winning last place. Becca has many other interests, as well. Like every preteen around here, she loves her IPod and computer, is interested in both American and Asian rock music, delights in discussing the local male population's appearance, and so on. But, this summer, she is also busy researching, purely for her own entertainment, the dynasties of ancient Egypt. Becca is a very social child, who is loving and empathic. She has many friends from school, from the neighborhood, and from our Chinese adoption network. She makes great choices of friends, and I hope this will continue as she heads into her teens. She has a great deal of maturity about and insight into relationships. Healthwise, Becca is one of those kids who rarely gets sick, although she did get mono a couple of years ago. She looks gorgeous and appropriate. She has appropriate development for her age, and moved into puberty without becoming "witchy". In short, our pediatrician is royally embarrassed that he once thought Becca might have problems! She is a totally healthy, normal kid, who is endowed with a good bit of brainpower. And I am embarrassed to think that I once thought of rejecting this placement. My daughter is so perfect for my family that it's hard to imagine any other child in her place. I cannot tell you what to do about this boy you have met. You should get as much information about him as you can, including reasons for placement in the orphanage. Abuse can cause strange fear reactions and so on, and he could be walking backwards with hands in the air as a learned response to people trying to hit him. If you have any video of the child, you should immediately send it to a doctor with strong international adoption experience, such as the folks at the clinic at the University of Minnesota (one of the oldest such facilities in the U.S.) Send along any written information on him, as well. Schedule a phone consult. It won't cost a lot, but it can really help you figure out what to do. And trust your instincts. If something seems "way off", then it is likely to be so. Just don't be too quick to make the decision to reject the placement. A lot of institutional behaviors look like autism and other scary conditions. Sharon

Sharon, Your daughter sounds like a remarkable girl. You must be so proud. Your response was so informative. I appreciate your taking the time to explain your experience in detail. I have one question - when your daughter had the break through after the first couple days, how was her eye contact? Did you still need to work on bonding issues related to eye contact? Thank you again for your help.

Have you run this past an international adoption doc? I would highly suggest doing so as they are very good at evaluating these children. I understand that you had some info from an IA doc but in order to make a decision best for you and your family, talk to one about these concerns. Best of luck!!