Should I Share This Information Now or Wait?

Hi there, I would hold off giving him all the info. I would suggest asking him if he would be interested, for the reasons that you said - same age, same interests. He can then decide. It may be difficult for him to "skip" over biodad and meet his cousin but it's up to him. Better to ask and get an answer then worry about it. I do hope some adoptees respond as they would be coming from the same "place" as your bson. I'm on the bmom's side looking in so my perspective is different. All the best.

Thanks keds, I've been feeling so torn--I know he would love to meet this person--but since biodad doesn't even know he exists, it would be opening up a can of worms from the bottom! I am having mixed feelings--on the one hand I'm afraid that once he makes contact, I will lose him to the other family; but I know that some of these people would probably be really good for him to meet--I think he would fit in and enjoy their company. I will feel like I'm handing him over and kicking myself at the same time--does that make sense?

OMG - yes! I am the only one my bson has made contact with and I'm dreading the day he contacts anyone else (it's just us - you know?). At the same time, I feel guilty that I could be holding him back and he will eventually resent it. You have to do what feels right for you and, more importantly him. When you placed him I think (at least I did) that you were thinking of him first, in reunion the same applies.

I met my daughter 12yr ago this Jan. When we first met she was def. curious to see some photos of her bdad., but that was about it at that stage. I hadn't seen or communicated with him since I was 5 months pregnant. Since our initial meeting I had told her a few bits about him,( the good bits so as not to taint her perspective) but it wasn't until last year she felt ready to meet him. So mockingbird it took her 11 yrs from meeting me and my children to meeting her bdad and his family. Yes Keds I had all those feelings too...just wanted to cocoon her and I together...but alas it aint only about us!!! I guess I am saying that I took it at her pace and so far all has worked well susie PS I have since had to sit by him at an international sports event she was playing in. THAT was hard!

Susieloo, thanks, it's great to hear of someone who has a long term reunion (yikes, the game must have been hard but good for the both of you to put her needs first). I gave bson contact info for his 2 sisters early on and assumed they were writing back and forth but his last letter he asked if it was okay - I think they are trying to find the words as well. I wrote back that I thought they were and that it was up to them, if they wanted me to help out great but their relationship was theirs alone to work on and didn't have anything to do with the success/failure of ours. I do so want them to get to know each other and find a place for each other in their lives because they are all great people. As for you Mockingbird, geez, that is hard. I married bdad so when bson contacted me the can was opened and he's dealing with it (not very well). I can't say you won't lose him if you do but I think it may be that there is only so much time for reunion in people's every day lives so you might just lose "time" with him, at first. As susieloo says, his pace is what is most important. If bdad doesn't know he exists that is going to be very difficult for you. I'm not sure but I think bdad should be made aware before bson contacts him (just my thoughts and concerns on how bson might be received and his feelings). You probably should talk to someone who has more insight into this but if it were me I'm not sure how I would react to learning first, I had a child that I wasn't aware of at the same time as finding out they wanted to know me. Sounds like a lot to try and digest. Sorry, I'm not much help. You do have the right attitude though, protect bson's feelings but allow him to make the decisions. Take care and let me know how things are going. :love:

From an adoptee, I would not tell your son about his cousin other than to maybe see if he wanted any more info about bfather than he had and had he thought any more about it. In my opinion, it would be totally weird to contact one of bdad's family without contacting bdad - even if they would be the very best of friends. It would open up another whole can of worms and just cause additional stress and worry. If he isn't ready to meet bdad, he is not ready to open up that whole family tree. My bmom had the same issues about sharing me when we met last year. She and bdad had never married but she did know how to contact him. He and I look very similar, have very similar minds and aptitudes, very similar viewpoints and ideas. She just knew that she would lose me when I met him. Although he and I have a good, ongoing relationship, it doesn't compare to the relationship with my bmom. There is truly a deep connection there - call it whatever you want. So don't worry. Jill

nice post rainbow. Its the opposite in my case. My daughter is soooooo like me it is scary. As the birthdad was still in love with me when he parted ways (Curiously I still think he is.) there has been quite alot of transference goiong on. My daughter talked freely to me of her catch up with him and family. He did talk about me rather alot, and compared her and me as well. She did notice that. I love that she looks like me...esp as my two next daughters are nothing like me! Ironic huh. Her amum openly admits she finds it a bit daunting and I think it causes her a wee bit of envy. She has nothing to be envious of....my daughter loves her entirely. susie

keds, his bdad knew that it was a possibility that I was pregnant, and even though we were "engaged" he said he would not get married (found out he (several years older than I was) was also engaged to another teen girl at the same time). I realized at that point that he was a "player" (and abusive) and it had just been a game for him and told him I didn't want to see him again. I have had no contact with him since that day. So, I didn't really see the point of telling him anything after that since he didn't care about us. I have given my son some of the circumstances; but have tried not to poison him against his bdad. I want him to form his own opinions when he meets his bdad.

Any bells??

jrainbow, thanks--it's so good to know that this is a common feeling--I was really ashamed to admit it. I am wondering if it's because we didn't have that time together after birth to bond that we are so afraid that we will lose our child again.