What is the bottom line?

I think you make a lot of sense. There must be a wide spectrum for attacment disorder--not everyone has everything. I am now going to join you in doing some reading. Thank you for sharing this info-

i've given it more thought.... and it has made me wonder about the primal wound theory... the theory suggests that when a mother and child are separated, a wound is inflicted that then manifests itself in the lives of the birthmother and birthchild in various ways. ( I think this is the crux of it) but what i've always wondered about this theory, is why some birthmothers insist it is not a valid theory... some adoptees insist that they are not primally wounded.... (and I do NOT buy the accusation that these people are in denial)....yet others, both birthmothers and adoptees, completely see their own experience reflected in primal wound.... it strikes me that if something as serious as a primal wound were to be inflicted by the initial separation.... then ALL birthmothers and ALL adoptee's would suffer from it... don't you think? which leads to me ask... what other variables exist in the lives of the adoptee's and birthmothers... ? well, i am guessing that it is attachment and bonding. I would hazard a guess that some adoptee's go through a normal and healthy attachment process with their adoptive mother.... and others do not.... from [url]http://www.focusas.com/Attachment.html:[/url] and I wonder about birthmothers... is there a possibility that for nine months of pregnancy, a womans body... emotionally, physically, and spiritually... are preparing to attach and bond to this baby.... and when the baby is removed.... the birthmother has nothing to attach to or bond with... and many of us find ourselves attaching to unhealthy things in the aftermath of placing a baby.... can we become attachment disordered? and i am wondering how many of us start off that way to begin with.... some birthmothers do seem to be able to go on with their lives .... and find peace with relinquishing... others become mired in grief, guilt, sadness and pain.... those of us who are suffering in a way that is almost debilitating, find it hard to imagine that any woman could actually walk away from placing a baby for adoption without feeling so stricken... yet... what if those of us who are knocked to the ground had attachment issue to begin with.... from the same page; when I read this... i was really surprised.... is it possible that i had attachment disorders when I placed my daughter for adoption.... ? is it possible that i could not tolerate the loss of love because of this? that it made the act of relinquishing that much more difficult? i know i have lost love since the day i placed my daughter... i've lost two more babies, who died before birth.... i've lost my brother... but these losses came AFTER I had found the love of my life... AFTER i was involved in a warm, safe relationship... after, perhaps, the attachment disorder had begun to heal... and thus, i could tolerate the losses better... a very interesting topic... i wish more folks would chime in on it... j

The bottom line seems to be that she DOES go to someone. Thank goodness you can overlook those who are telling you that you're too over protective.

I think attachment disorder is very very different than grief issues, which can indeed occur in infant adoption. I see attachment disorder though as stemming from a child who does not get the love and care they need as infants/toddlers. If a baby cries and cries and no one comforts them or answers (feed, change diapers etc) then the baby learns not to cry. If a baby is neglected during the early years of strong brain development, then the brain compensates to "survival mode" and learns to not depend, trust or love anyone. That to me is the bottom line of attachment disorder. If one adopts an infant and is loving the baby, meeting their needs and stimulating the development, I don't believe that true attachment disorder occurs. Not to be confused with what can be some grief occurred or a loss, which of course there have been studies on in infant adoption.

well... everything i have read lists that as one reason for attachment disorder... but they list many other potential causes as well... from [url=http://www.attachmentexperts.com/whatisattachment.html#cause:]Attachment Disorder Experts - Psychological Services for Reactive Attachment Disorders[/url]

Yes, I know...but at the crux of things, it's the child not getting the care needed. So in my opinion, while there may be a period of attachment issues it does not mean it's going to end up as being the complete attachment disorder. All of these things can contribute, but to me it really is unlikely that an infant being adopted and is cared for the right way is going to develop a full on attachment disorder. While the things on that list "CAN" cause, I'm saying I don't believe it necessarily or even likely WILL cause. My kids were older at adoption and we had attachment issues to overcome. Had we not parented the way we did and truly worked on the bonding and care they needed, it's definitely possible they'd have developed attachment disorder. I'm not saying this stuff doesn't happen, just saying there is a big spectrum that covers this area and while things do contribute to it, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a reality and especially not a reality in infant adoption. (in my opinion) Older child adoption is more a reality for this than an infant and while I think it's great to be aware of things and attachment parenting is good for many things, I feel there are a lot of parents who get scared unnecessarily too. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with using some attachment bonding techniques for your baby, just saying if for example she does go to someone else in 9 months it shouldn't send up a red flag to you that she's not bonded/attached. kwim?

i guess i think attachment disorder can happen if a newborn is moved around too much.. from birthmom to foster care to adoptive home... or even from birthmom to adoptive mom back to birthmom 8 months later.... i guess i even think it can happen if the adoptive mom (or birthmother for that matter) doesn't bond with the baby.... obviously, i guess that means the baby isn't getting her needs met... which is your point, i guess. but if she goes into a home where the parents do a lot of attachment parenting, then attachment doesn't become a big issue? right? i think with my daughter we are doing a lot of healthy things ... and she is obviously attaching and bonding... and i am not so worried about her... i don't think i need to be paranoid about it ... but i do think it's something worthwhile to be informed about... julie

Julie, I think as with everything else it toally depends on the personal makeup of the child. The resilency of the child and how the degree that the child is affected. I also see may examples of potential attachemnt problems ewith adults in a reunion situaion. Not sure though if its attachment so much as grief. I don't like the extemes that the primal would talks about. I don't want to be looked at as a walking patho;logy based upon one womens viewpoint. I don't want to be buttonholed into anything! Does anyone? I know many adoptees that havent issues with forming relationships or friendships( I am one...thank you very much) and if following textbooks I should be very unattached(dang I have my days I wish i was...kidding!!) 6 differnt foster homes before being placed with my family. Did I have some issues with that ...maybe, do have some self confidence issues, have maintained lifelong friendships ect so if in fact I was unattached it was healed with moms parenting. I more understand a sense of sadness though, not really depression but sad for no reason. I do think that is the grief thing. AS much as an infant doesn't remeber I do beleive that the feelings of fright, insecurity, may plague some adoptees to some degree. I also think it may not be acknoledged for some in a healthy way. not that we need grief counseling or need to discuss our adoption and sadness ad nauseoum while children but just have the respect both as children and adults in our unique position in the whole thing Because it is not acknoledged when it comes time for reunion some adoptees don't even underestand why they are feeling what ever it is they are feeling. AND WILL either run or act out. Just to respect their place not just as a birth child, or a adoptive child but just a child that is a person unto themselves. Not just a symbol of someones elses pain or joy.

thank you dpenn... you are one of the people i think of when i argue that primal wound simply does not fit everyone... i will need to study grief more... i think. i've gone through a lot of it, but don't think i've learned much more than the 'stages of grief' i think i have been thinking alot about attachment issues, because, of course, we have just adopted... but also because the list of symptoms seems to apply to a lot of what i read here.... i think attachment... and maybe grief... are things that need to be recognized prior to a reunion... they are things that don't actually have to do with the other person specifically... but if these things are not worked through, someone may be under the impression that a reunited with their "lost child".. or the "birthmother"... will bring healing.... i am not saying this well.... i guess i am wondering if sometimes we attribute our symptoms to the wrong thing... as you said, an adoptee or a birthmother may feel like the symbol of someone's pain or joy.... but it's really attachment issues... or grief issues.... that need to be dealt with .... well... my thoughts are jumbled... maybe later. j

Julie, that very well might be if the bmom is not allowed to feel the grief it can manifest itself in horrible ways. But the differnce with an adoptee...IMO...is the fact that they don't have a reference point.generally speaking.because they don't REMEBER the act that might have made them sad. In reunuin they are confronted with these feelings and have nothing to attribute it too. After all, they might have had a great life, good reunion but want to shut it down anyway...and don't know why. AS much as bmoms may have shut down their feelings of losing a child at some point there is a concrete issue they can look back on and have an AHHA moment. You know what I mean?

I found your questions and ideas interesting and thought back when I gave my son up 21 years ago. I did feel some kind of separation problem for a short period of time but luckly it was at the same time I met my husband to be. Maybe I refouced my attachment to him? Plus four years ago I adopted a son and was told by his grandma and nurses to hold him alot and let him hear my heart beat, this way he would come to reconize me as his mom. Today he is a very loving, happy and social child but I will see how he turns out in the future. My husband's sister is adopted and she does have some issues with attachment. When my mother-in-law was alive she did what ever she could to spend the most time with her over everybody else. From my understanding as to when she was adopted she was about a few months old, so the attachment never took place correctly??? Then on top of that about a year later a biochild came along (my husband) so now the attention got slit. I will have to keep note of this. Thanks