Someone Please Help Me.....

I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of a child to adoption is hard work. It feels as a piece of us has been ripped away. In many ways, it has. Our children are a part of who we are. Do you have someone you can talk to? A friend or a therapist?

(((HUGS))) I remember those days like they were yesterday, yet it has been almost 18 years for me now. Please feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder!Hang in there:grouphug:

It is so hard, especially in the beginning. I think for me the first year was the very hardest, and right after leaving the hospital was gut-wrenching. Not only are you dealing with the emotional aspects of placing a child for adoption and all the grief/loss associated with that, but your hormones are all over the place. It is not uncommon for women to have post-partum depression or "baby blues" after giving birth, even if they parent their children. But for those of us who made adoption plans, that will be one more aspect of emotional difficulty to work through on top of all the other pain. I do hope you have some support system, as mentioned, a friend or counselor. If not, is there someone/somewhere you could go for support? Did you place through an agency and do they offer post-relinquishment counseling??

((HUGS)) I can feel your pain as I read your words. I am so sorry you are hurting. I echo what others have said, "Is there a way for you to get counseling?" Is there a way to get your baby back if you wanted him back? I can only imagine the pain you are foing through as I am an adoptee and not a bmom. Thebmoms here are wonderful understanding women who will guide you and help you. In the mean time it is good that you come here and vent your feelings. Each of these women know exactlyhow you are feeling. EZ

Dear Ashley Lane, Hi. My name's Janey and I'm a birthmother here too. My heart goes out to you now. I understand those moments spent with your baby, how they keep playing over and over in your mind. This grief is terrible. It is the loss of a child and nothing is harder in my opinion. How is your support network? Do you have family who are able to comfort you and help you? Do you have a neighborhood therapist or support group that you could possibly contact? This is a terrible thing to shoulder alone. It is okay too that you are an "emotional basketcase". Many of us are that; even after years of distance from surrendering our children. You have every right to be lost right now. You have said that your situation makes it extremely difficult to have kept your baby. Perhaps you could share more on that so that we could listen and help you, support you in what you felt you needed to do. Also, try to remember to be kind to yourself, take whatever time you need. You've just had a baby and from a sheerly physical standpoint that is a lot for your body to endure. Keep posting. Many good people are here to listen and to help. Wishing you some peace today, Janey

ashley_layne I blocked the crying.. and it took me a lot longer to grieve the loss of my son.. Stay connected to your grief and one day it may be less.. Jackie

Even though it's been 8 and a half years since my son was born and placed, those emotions of the first few weeks are still raw. ((((HUGS))))

Yes, I agree 100% with what Jackie says here. Let it out, cry as much as you need to, don't try to push it away or stifle it. Writing also helped me through those early days, just getting it all out on paper, not only the raw emotions but also writing poems to my son. And as hard as it may be, find some time to be very good to yourself. It can be as simple as getting a small bouquet of flowers to brighten your room, taking a long, hot bubble bath, buying a little something nice for yourself, etc. As much pain as you are in, you still deserve and need a few moments to treat yourself well and be kind to yourself. Even if it's just 5 minutes. I also find that doing some sort of exercise can help with mood, especially anything that helps to center or balance me, like yoga or pilates. And remember that things will take time. Something this traumatic is not going to disappear overnight, but you can heal.

First Off Thanx To Everyone Who Gave Me A Minute Of Kind Words. My Support Is Limited. My Boyfriend Who Emontionally Cut Off Anyways. He Tries To Comfort Me, But He Ain He Feels Shows And He Doesnt Liketo Talk About It. I Kept A Few Thingsof My Sons Stuff, From The Hospital And Everyone Night I Hold It And Say Goodnigth And A Prayer, That He Might Hear Me. I Should Take Comfort In Knowing That He Iswell Loved And Taken Care Of, But I Still Ache. That Just Dont Feel Like Enough For Me, I Dont Know If Thats Wrong.

Dear Ashley Layne, Hi. Hugs to you this morning. :grouphug: I think men have a harder time acknowledging their grief than women do. I don't mean that to sound chauvanistic towards men. It's just that after watching all my brothers and my husband and the way they handle grief? Well, it's like men try to solve grief, father than feel it, if that makes sense. I think that's their way of handling many things in life. Instead of internalizing it through the heart, they do it through the brain and say, "I will look at this and master it!" Just an observation of my own. No it is not wrong. It is sorrow; extreme grief. This is the loss of a child. There's nothing wrong with your grieving. Oh AhsleyLane! Do you know how much I wish I would've had what it takes to do what you're doing now? Instead of shoving my grief into a closet like a dirty skeleton and leaving it there for 30 years? Honestly, the lies I told myself in order to keep my heart locked away! Keep grieving, keep writing, keep keeping on! We will be here! May the Buddha light your path as you travel, Janey

Ashley, if your support is limited at home, keep coming here. We understand exactly what you are going through! Your bf probably finds it hard to see you so hurt, and doesn't know what to do/say. Also, he didn't carry a child for 9 months and give birth. Like Janey, I don't mean to sound sexist, but the guys just don't experience the bonding the way women do. We've had 9 months to get attached to the baby while we carried him or her. It's a whole different dimension. That's not to say your bf is not grieving the loss either, but it's just different, and the guys usually don't like to talk things out so much. Do you like to write in a diary or journal, or do artwork like drawing or painting? That is another good way to get your feelings out. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Last Friday Could Not Come Fast Enough For Me. Me And The Adopted Parents Agreed That Me And Dad Could Come And Spend He Day With Baby. What A Way To Spend 4thof July. My Son Wa So Content, I Would Whisper In His Ear, That Momma Loved Him So Much. He Would Open His Eyes, Or Even A Slight Smile. Even The Adopted Mom Agreed, He Could Reconize My Voice. I Just In Ti Me, He Still Will Reconize My Voice. I Tried Not To Tear Up, When Leaving, But I Couldnt Fight It. I Knew Going To See Him, Would Intensify The Pain, But If I Didnt See Him, I Would Regret It. I Included My Other 2 Kids On Friday, I Do Not Want Them To Thank I Tried Hiding Him From Them. Or Vice Versa. My Oldest Is 5 An My Middle Is 3. There Young, And They Understand That They Have A Baby Broter, But The Concept Of Himliving With Someone Else, Well........... I Just Odnt Want Him To Think " Well She Didnt Love Me, Or She Couldve Tried Harder." I Did Everything I Could Do, I Just Wish The Pain Would Go Away. I Dont Know If My Heart Will Ever Be Full Again. I Know They Say, Time Heals, I Just Dont Know. Thanx Again To Everyone.

I honesty don't believe time ever HEALS but it does help cushion the pain. I'm so glad that you were able to spend time with him. Yes it will open that wound again anytime you see him, but I also think it will help you to know for sure he IS okay. Like everyone else here has said, keep coming here for support, these people are the only way I make it through the day sometimes. (((hugs)))

My heart aches for you because I know your pain. Realistically, how could you possibly be feeling any differently than you are right now? Only a mother who has also gone through what you just have could possibly understand. The pictures and the updates must help but also hurt tremendously at the same time. Mine was a closed adoption. My daughter and I have been reunited wonderfully now for 20 years and I am grandmother to her 3 children. I never thought I would find or see her again...I cried, and cried and my soul ached. My other two children helped as did prayer and friends. The pain eased but was never forgotten...even now. You did what you felt was the very best for your son, and I believe that in time...you will have a relationship with him. Meantime, throw yourself into the lives of the children you do have with you, pray for your baby, and maybe keep a daily journal about your thoughts and feelings for him to give him one day when he is older. I know this all sounds easy, but I know it is near to impossible. Therapy helped me tremendously by the way...but can't kid you. The wounds never totally heal. How could they? Out of love for your baby, just try to work to become the best person you can be. Prayers for you...NanieB

I gave up my second child and I think it's got to be more difficult because you know exactally what your losing. You also have to remember what you gain. You are a strong and you understand how difficult it can be with another baby and those what ifs never go away. I hope you made this choice with you other children in mind and hopefully you will be able to provide more doing this. I know it is not easy and not a day goes by when I don't think back but I when I look into the eyes of my oldest son who will be twelve and my youngest who will be eight months and the husband that I never expected to have I have to be thankful for that choice. Hang in there