I need your views and experience...PLEASE

I thought you said you wanted to hear what adoptive parents would do. Was I mistaken?I am not "all-knowing and all-powerful" but I DO know my children. We had discussed their adoption all their lives. It was no secret. When they asked questions, I answered them. I am not biased against their birthmothers. I am grateful (old-fashioned, non pc term) that they -- and God -- brought these wonderful girls into my care.My oldest daughter has NEVER expressed any interest in finding her bmother, but she did name her first-born child after her bmom. (She asked me if I minded. I didn't.)My youngest daughter had a lot of anger at her parents for abandoning her (literally, left on a street corner) and has always said she wishes she could find them just so she could tell them how well she was doing in spite of them! Yes, if I had a letter, I would have given it to each daughter, whether they asked for it or not, at age 21 and before they had children of their own. I am sorry if that is not the answer you want, but that is the way things played out for our family. I wish you peace.

It might be helpful to know that the vast majority of the adoptive parents who post on these forums are not parents who have had to deal with (or may never have to deal with) reunion. In most cases, their children are still very young...Just something to consider. It might also help if you're respectful when you reply to those who have taken the time to reply to you. It may not be what you want to hear...but it's a reply none the less...and people can only share from their own experiences.I am quite surprised by your response to this thread...you've been very rude to those who have taken the time to give you their feedback...

My 4 girls have always known they were adopted. I always told them I would support them in their search and I did just that when my oldest daughter found her b/family. It was very hard but I did support her for her sake. My second daughter wants nothing to do with reunion. She doesn't want her info. I will not force her to have it. She knows it's here if she ever wants it. I am very open to talking with her. My youngest does not want her info. I have given her some as she wants it. She read it and doesn't want anymore at this time. I will not force her to read and have what she does not want at this time. My 3rd daughter is special needs and has a hard time understanding things. She can not make wise decisions for herself. She has talked with b/siblings and it has been way tooooo emotional for her. I choose to make decisions for her that I think is best. I know her well. I would not keep any info from her I know she could handle. I may be wrong but it is what I think. I am her mom and have been for many years. Being an adoptive mom from the 70's and having adoption records open has made reunion very hard. I expected a search for information but not a relationship. It has not been an easy road to travel. It has been one filled with fear. I have learned to let go of what I could not control as far as my oldest daughter's reunion is concerned. A hard lesson but freeing!

I adopted my daughter from foster care almost 2 years ago. She was in care for several years before that. She is now 10 years old and recently asked me if I thought that her bmom ever thought of her, knew when her birthday was, and still loved her. I pulled out a letter that her bmom wrote at the time the state did TPR. It told her that she loved her, knew her birthday would be soon, and that she thinks of her everyday. While I do believe that she does love the daughter we share, I have a huge box of files that contain information about abuse/neglect. My daughter knows what is age appropriate for her. Most of it has come from the Social Workers and counselor, but I answer as honestly as I can if she asks me something. I do have one card I have not given her, and it is from a step grandfather going on about why she hasn't called him. She was in foster care at the time and couldn't. He knew that but still tried to lay a guilt trip on a child. I am not sure when I will give her that card. My daughter doesn't like to discuss a lot about her birthfamily. I don't push it but want her to know it is OK to do so. I don't feel that this is the same as a domestic infant adoption.

Dear Kerri, I can hear the pain and frustration you're feeling right now, and I understand it. It is so hard not knowing how our relinquished children's lives have turned out, especially for those of us who have lived the "closed" adoption experience. It's hard living each day wondering if our sons or daughters are being raised in a loving manner, whether they're angry with us, whether they view our decision to relinquish our parental rights as a form of abandonment. It can be nerve-wracking, to say the least. I'm wondering if there are any real-life triad support groups operating in your local area. When my son turned 16 years old, I joined a triad support group that included adoptees, birthmoms, and amoms. (There were a couple of bdads and adads too!) I cannot emphasize enough how much emotional help and support I received from this group. I was able to get to really know some adoptive parents, and I learned a great deal from them. It helped me immensely to see the "other side of the coin", if you know what I mean. The help, advice, and experiences of young adoptees who were either searching or in reunion was invaluable to me. And getting to know other birthmothers, as well as their stories, was my very first step in healing the enormous pain I felt. By listening to their stories, I felt for the first time in my life that I wasn't alone. I was also able to identify areas and "issues" that I needed to work on in my own life before I met my son. By the time my son turned 18, I was emotionally prepared for our reunion. We never had to search for one another, although his original adoption was as closed as closed can be. He had some major difficulties in his teenage years, and his parents went to the adoption agency and asked for an update on me when he was around 13 years old. This opened the door to an exchange of photographs, medical histories, social histories, etc. They also allowed me to send DS letters and gifts a couple times a year. All of us knew during much of his adolescence that reunion would take place when he turned 18, so I had a lot of time to prepare for it. It's my personal belief that one of our major responsibilities as birthmoms is to ensure that we are as emotionally healthy as we can possibly be, if anything, for our children's sake. As you read the stories of search and reunion on these forums, you'll see that a successful reunion often hinges on emotional health, mutual respect, open communications, preparation, patience, and a whole lot of love. If at all possible, please join a local triad support group. (If you PM me the name of your city or town, I can run a search for you for the closest group.) Another thing that you could do is to check with the agency that handled your son's adoption. Many agencies offer postadoption counseling these days, even if many years have gone by. The agency I went thru even offers a few sessions of counseling for all sides of the triad who are about to reunite. You can also ask the agency for "nonconfidential information", which will let you know about some basic social and educational backgrounds, etc., on your son's parents. And keep posting here! This is a great group of people, many of whom have been where you are right now. It is time for you to start letting all those feelings out, to talk about them. It's time to deal with the pain and the anger. Talk to us...

Kerri, I just saw this post just now. It's not a forum I check very often, because frankly, it just isn't very active. Most (not all, but most) of the adoptive parents on the boards have younger children. There are only a a few of us adoptive moms who have been through an actual reunion with our kids, which has been frustrating for me feeling very alone while I was going through it. I was the mother of an 18-yr old boy who went through reunion with his birth mother last summer. In answer to your questions: This means a great deal. It can be a huge fear at the beginning of a reunion that you (the aparent) will just be replaced, in one way or another. It would be an act of graciousness to be able to actually express this to her parents in some way. At the same time, I hope her parents can express to you that they can welcome you into their and their son's life. In the beginning stages of reunion, sometimes the honeymoon and the intense feeling can just take over and it can be very scary for an aparent. The answer to this was yes, with one caveat. He was given the few things that were sent when he was younger immediately. We kept one letter she wrote to the adoption judge asking him to give to J because it contained things that were untrue, insults regarding his father's family and details of conflict and accusations that we always tried to shield him from. We did eventually give it to him when he turned 18 (which was after he graduated from high school- had he turned during the school year, we would have waited until summer)- along with all official documents, etc. So he has everything now, but we did exercise some parental judgment. It was important to us to have a clear conscience on this point- both points actually. We always made it clear that we would help him reconnect whenever he wanted to. We never made it a condition of waiting until a certain age- but coincidentally it was when he turned 18 that he decided he was ready. We also tried to answer any questions he had as positively as we could. Sometimes the answer just had to be "I don't know." He may or may not- and whether he does or doesn't may have nothing to do with his parents. It might, as some adoptees have certainly been discouraged, but just as many have been supported, or would be supported but just don't want to. The friends I have who are adoptive parents have all expressed support for their kids wanting to reunite and one pair just recently aided in their son's search and reunion. My son was adamant in declaring that he NEVER wanted to have contact with her...until the day he made a complete reversal and was suddenly open. We hadn't changed anything we said or did- he just had his own total reversal. Everyone is on their own journey and has their own reasons for wanting to reunite or not. If he is an adult, you have every right to locate him, present yourself and let him know that you are open to hearing from him whenever he is ready. Asking is not imposing. You don't have the right to impose reunion on him, but you have every right to search and to ask. How he responds will still be his decision. The What Ifs are awful!! Do your best not to let them eat away at you. From my end, the What Ifs were...what if meeting her changes how he feels about us and how he relates to us forever? What if she pushes things really hard and fast and we end up feeling railroaded? What if she ends up hurting him? What if he changes and I feel like I don't know him anymore? What if he decides he just prefers her as a mom? What if he ends up feeling fractured, confused, torn between two worlds and two women? What Ifs are based on fear, so you have to brush them aside and think positively. Enter in strength and love, not in fear. I did live it/am living it- starting in May of last year. There is no one way that I felt or feel. I felt everything- all over the place. I felt afraid, sad, excited, happy, open, hospitable, territorial, protective, defensive, insecure, compassionate, angry- everything! I saw a mom in the beginning of this on the boards very recently and in her posts, you could see the jumble of feeling: very happy and excited, very scared and angry. It all comes at once, different ones surface at different times. It is an extreme test of a parent's ability to put their child's needs before their own while still caring for themselves as a human being as well. Some reunions are disastrous for birth mothers (rejection, pain). Some reunions are disastrous for aparents (abandonment, rejection). Going into it, there is no way to tell how everyone will react, and what the ultimate outcome will be. That gets determined by all the players and the choices they make, how they treat each other, how they proceed, how they deal with their own feelings. Our own end result is a mixed bag. I sent her an email, asking her permission to send her a grad announcement and photo, giving her our address and phone number, inviting her to call our home if she wanted to speak with him, and inviting her and her children to come out for a visit in about 6 weeks time if they were able. She responded positivley and they had some phone calls, she sent bday and grad cards and she and her daughter came out for a 2 day visit in June which was emotionally taxing, but went very well. I gave her the web address for a website I created with about 300 photos of him. I made her a photo album of pictures from each year of his life. They continued occasional phone contact through the fall- had some arguments and would go a while without talking before breaking the ice and speaking again. We went out there for a 2 day visit in January, which was also emotionally taxing, but also went very well. And then, they've had no contact since then, which makes no sense to me whatsoever. But it's not my relationship, it's theirs. He says he won't initiate anything, but he'll respond if she does. She hasn't initiated anything for the 7months since he went out there. Maybe she's wanting him to do the initiating? I can only guess, but they are adults and have to work it out for themselves. I still think it's a net positive. He now KNOWS things he could only wonder about before, and so does she and so do we. They've met and hugged and seen each others' homes and lives. They both have the ability to be in contact whenever they wish to. We're all real people to each other, not just names on a page. As difficult and gutwrenching as the process of reunion was for me, I'm glad it happened for everyone's sake. It tested me to my limits, and ripped me to my core, but in the end I think it is so much more humane that neither he nor she have to wonder or yearn. They know and they have access. For many, it doesn't turn out that well, and for many it turns out much much better. If you need to or want to you can PM me anytime. :) Hang in there.

I think you should search for him and ask him the questions yourself. There's no point trying to guess what is happening in his life and what his parents have or haven't said. They will be aware there's a high chance of reunion and so they probably will be honest and give him the letter. BTW my 17-year-old bdaughter wants minimum contact with me - that has nothing to do with her aparents - it's her decision. I feel we all underestimate 18-year-olds...find him and ask him...

Good to see you Heidi, I love your post. Everything was well said. I haven't posted in awhile but I check every once in awhile. As you said, there is so many emotions regarding reunion for everyone. I had many to work through. I didn't want my daughter or her b/mom to be angry because I had emotions to work through. I needed their support just as they needed mine. I didn't get much understanding because they didn't have much to give. My daughter's reunion took a lot from me. I learned a lot too. Bitter......sweet. At this point I don't know if I have the strength to go through another, as I have 3 more daughters. I will still support each one though. Their healing is important to me.

I too have been in and out lately.... I'm a birthmom to a teen, and I can tell you that there really aren't a lot of aparents on here that have children at this age. (Heidi is an awesome one, now I see we have love4 too!) That and the fact that everyone is truly had different expericences, there is no telling what your particular circumstance brings. I know that when I resumed contact with my DD's a mom two years ago, I sent a letter for her to be given when she was told that she and I have begun to communicate. She chose not to tell her right away, and she had her reasons for that relating to what she felt DD could handle at 14. Did I agree, no, but I don't make that call, she knows DD and what she can handle way better than I. When DD was 15 and caught red handed looking at pics of me, her mom offered her the letter, and she would not take it. (Her mom knows that the letter is basically an introduction of who I was at the time, and what my interests are, and offering her a chance to know more and have contact, nothing too heavy) For her 16th birthday I sent a card, and her mom told me that she would offer that to her too. Do I know for sure she really did those things, no, but I chose to believe it at face value with an open heart. I trusted her to raise my daughter, I should be able to trust her to pass on an envelope. But I have a form of OA, so I get to see these things, in a CA you only have your faith to rely on. The what if's will destroy you, and I have them ALL THE TIME too. I do know that not all people are above board, things change, circumstances change etc etc. One thing I hope you realize is that 18 isn't a magic number. I doubt that every adoptee wakes on the morning of their 18th birthday and rush to search. Some have the desire younger. Some have it much older, or not at all. Try not to take it too personally that there is no phone call or knock on the door yet. These things happen in time. If you want to make yourself available, there is no reason why you can't seek him out and do so. Just do it with an open heart, and be prepared. Stick around, read some stories, there are a lot of persepctives here and elsewhere to be shared. And have faith. Good luck!

brown has a very valid point about age. I was married to an adoptee for over 13 years and he struggled with it everyday and still does. His twin sister and he were adopted at 18 months by his parents. His twin found their bmom at about age 32. He didn't want to meet her and still doesn't want any contact with them at age 43. The twins were the only ones given up for adoption and he is angry at that. So, being 18 is not a magic number for everyone. It is just a legal age.

I like what you said browneyes. The What if's killed me. They ate at me day and night. I had to let them all go but it did not come easy. Day by day, reading posts from adopted adults and birthmom's helped me look at things differently. Also I had to let go of all my negative emotions.........anger, fear, hurt, self pity etc. My fear was valid because my daughter walked out on us to live with her b/family. But I had to let go of those emotions. I couldn't have that unconditional love that she needed had I held on to those emotions. It was a roller coaster ride for me. Everytime I wanted to give up on her I would get a phone call from her. It drove me crazy. I was angry at her birthmom for coming into our lives and turning it upside down and yet I understood and had compassion for her. I would have done as she did. My daughter's birthmom walks on eggshells because she is afraid to lose my daughter again. She feels she has to buy her things or not disagree with her. I can imagine the turmoil she must feel. My daughter wants to keep us separate and it is sad because her birthmom and I actually get along. I like her. My daughter doesn't want to share that part. Understandable.

Yes, and typically with boys, when they want to search, they tend to be older. I realize there are exceptions to every "rule," however, in my experience and that of other bmoms I know with sons, this has been true. I wouldn't let that stop me from searching, if that's what you want, but just understand that he may not be ready at this time, and that doesn't mean the door won't be open in the future. The waiting is hard, but I try to see it as time which can be spent bettering myself, reading up on reunion, educating myself, etc., so when I do reunite, I will be at my best. If I don't reunite, I'm still better off having worked on my own self-improvement than had I got myself dragged down in all the negative stuff.

I wonder why boys tend to be older? Are they a little less in touch with their emotions on the whole or is it something else?

I think that may be part of it, in that girls usually are stronger in communication and expressing emotions, and are very much encouraged to be this way, while boys are wired somewhat differently and are not encouraged to be so open emotionally. I also have heard from some male adoptees that they really wanted to be established and in a place where their bmoms would be proud of them before they made contact. It sort of reminds me of how a lot of guys won't even think about getting serious in a relationship and marrying until their careers are established.

As lots of other amoms on this site, my kids are still little. That said, I asked my kids bmom if she wanted to write a letter I could put aside for when they're older. I NEVER want my kids to feel less than 100% loved by their bmom, because I know it's how she feels. There is a total difference between being able to love the kids and being able to parent them. I know that some semi OA's end up being closed due to losing connection, so I asked for, and got, identifying information so when the kids are ready, I can help them find her. That's going to happen when they're ready...not necessarily at 18, but whenever ready is for them.She hasn't given me a letter yet, but we have a semi OA and I hope that someday we'll get the letter for the kids. In the meantime, I talk often about adoption, what it means, and how special they are to me. I just hope that in the future, my kids get from that that they are exactly the children God intended me to parent, but that there is another mom, and she loves them as much, or more, than I do, since she had to guts to give them up.