What's next???? Birth Mom's / Adoptees searching...

July 10, 2008

OK, about one month old in the ways that the adoption reunion process sort of "works".

I'm 42, female, just found out that I was kin/adopted. Big huge shock, been through a mess now for over 6 years, so it's beginning to settle in ok.

Getting stronger, and been reading up here.

While I don't think I am ready to reunite with my birth mom just yet, need some direction, please.

Is it more realistic that I contact her when I'm ready, or is it more realistic for me to wait for her to contact me? (Finding her won't be much of a problem, I have a lot of info. about her.) The only thing I really don't have is her last name at present.

I know there is no right and wrong way in which these things go, just looking for what is the most realistic way I should be considering to think about proceeding.

It seems I am reading that birth mother's are very concerned about interrupting their adult/chid's life, so it's more up to us to make the first contact. Am I hearing it correctly? It's a lot to digest for a rookie. lol.

Thanks for all of your support and sharing! I have been greatly helped, encouraged, and strengthened. :thanks:

kakuehl

July 10, 2008

The answer to your question depends in part on when your adoption took place. Many of us from the era when adoptions were "closed" were told that we had to right to search. I personally felt that while I was open to contact, I shouldn't intrude. I was more than willing to be contacted, but it fo and should be his choice. He, in the meantime, felt that if I cared, I would find him. Eventually, I found his name through this site, because he had registered. I located his parents (he had recently moved and I couldn' find any up to date info); I gave his parents the info and waited!

My advice would be to find out her current name and location and then contact her when you are ready.

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JustPeachy

July 11, 2008

I personally felt that while I was open to contact, I shouldn't intrude

I felt this way too, even though I had a semi-open adoption. I was never told I had no right to search, but I still felt that I would leave it up to my son if he wanted contact. I guess I felt that he had no choice in being placed for adoption, so I didn't want to take the choice away from him to reunite. I think it's not uncommon for bmoms do feel they are intruding somehow if they make that first move, although many still do. I say if you are ready and wanting to search, go for it, but understand that your bmom may not be at the same place. I also suggest reading up as much as you can on reunion to prepare for the ups and downs.

white_elephant

July 16, 2008

I want to let you know I appreciate you taking the time to respond. This is all so very new! I've been reading as much as I can, and consider all sides very heavily, and will continue to do so.

It's all so overwhelming, I had to take a break from reading and focusing on it all. I'm still stunned, and trying to get my head around it.

There is some hope though, and knowing there is an outlet here to discuss these raw issues, is nice to know.

Thanks so much for answering. :thanks:

kakuehl

July 16, 2008

Hang in there! Take time to let everything sink in. Ask questions any time!

JustPeachy

July 17, 2008

Yes, the best advice is to take time you need to process things and let them sink in before moving to the next step. It is very helpful to "pace yourself" so as to keep the emotional overhwhelm at a manageable level.