My daughte's bmom contacted her! :( :)

I don't think any of your feelings are unusual, but unfortunately, at 21 your daughter is an adult and has the right to tell you what functions she wishes you to attend and which ones she doesn't. She has a right to keep her life in separate compartments. It doesn't always have to be that way, but she has to be processing alot right now. I think having you at HER family reunion might be awkward for her. Kind of like when my hubby comes to work functions. I feel like I can't enjoy myself because I am his chaperone and have to worry about if he is ok and can't relax and enjoy MY friends and co-workers. So I ask him not to go....to which he is relieved. LOL I know it must be VERY hard to allow someone else to do activities with your daughter that once were yours alone to share with her.....like going off to college. However, you had her to yourself for 18 years. Then she became an adult (although probably not self-reliant just yet). You were able to escort her to her dorm and help set it up for 2-3 years? So perhaps this last year, her biomom could be allowed to enjoy that moment. She has missed out on many moments that she will never get back......and that you will never lose. Would you feel the same if she had said her boyfriend was going to escort her to school? Or that she didn't want you to attend her friend's party? Is she received a grant or scholarship that allowed her to get a new TV and computer, would you be happy for her or would you want to call and tell the committee to keep their money and chill? I do NOT think you are being silly. You are acting like any mother who feels like she is being replaced. But you aren't being replaced. She still spends time with you because you said that she is always on the phone with her mom which means she is doing it in front of you. This person is just new and it's exciting and it may feel a void she had of knowing who she is. Totally normal to feel threatened, but try to keep in mind that she has a right to her own life now.

Uncomfortable, I know exactly how you are feeling. My daughter is in reunion. It is not an easy journey. Yes, she may have the RIGHT to make her own choices because she is an adult, but that statement sounds so insensitive to an adoptive mom who is hurting right now. You will have many emotions to deal with. I know. It's been a roller coaster ride for me. I hope you will continue to post and find support. If you want to send me a private message I will be happy to be a support.

Uncomfortable, as a birthmom waiting to reunite, I can appreciate your feeling threatened...and being hurt and angry.... Search and Reunion are a jumble of mass emotions, all over the spectrum for everyone-- at least this is my understanding. As an amom, I can see where you would feel like the bmom is trying WAY too hard to get back in your dd's good graces.My point of view is this-- if and when contact is made with MY son and his parents...i will first let them know that THEY are his parents, I chose them for a reason, and I just want a chance to know him. I think her bmom in a way may just be trying to make up for lost time... and maybe your DD isn't ready to have both of her moms together..although it seems that everyone's emotions are valid. she may not realize(bmom)how she stepped on your toes by going and paying DDs cell bill. You're her mom..your rules still apply...at least I think so....but i think bmom wants to pkease your DD, and at this early stage can't moderate..she seems to be VERY eager to please I'm sorry that your DD has taken to sperating her moms and families, but maybe that's the only way she can deal??? I don't know.... I'm trying to get some of everyone's experiences and take some lessons from them, from all members of the triad.... I am very sorry this is so hard on you and your dd.. hopefully as time goes by, everyone will get more used to each other and the intensity will lessen....

Maybe her birthmom wants to help pay for college too.. lol. There are lots of things she can pay for. Give her a guesstimate of 21 years of bills maybe. Just kidding. I am sorry you are going through this. Be comforted that you indeed are her real mom and she will remind herself of that once the hullabaloo of "birthmom" wears off. I have a dear friend who found her birthmom when she was a college student. It was rough on her mom for a year or so. Now, (yes 20) years later, there is hardly a mention of birthmom. Because, birthmom was never mom and never molded her into the woman she is now. They truly have nothing but genetics in common. They rarely desire to see eachother even though they have mutual respect. Her real (adoptive) mom gets all holidays and 1st priority as she should and I bet that will happen for you as well. Good job for being her momma - and let's face it, the cell phone bill is a drop in the bucket. You did the real job and your daughter will always carry that in her heart.

love4 Hello old friend.. I hope you are well.. Uncomfortable, love4 is good people.. I do not know what to say as a birthmom other than I do respect my bsons amom.. and I think you have a right to ask for that respect from your daughters birthmom.. You may not get it.. but.. you have a right.. Jackie

I responded in the other thread (I am a bmom), but I wanted to add that the way I see it, I totally understand that the daughter is 21 and has a right to form relationships with whomever she pleases, but at the same time, this isn't just any old relationship. There are a lot of emotional issues for all sides to deal with. It cannot be easy for the OP to just brush it all aside. Her feelings are just as valid as anyone elses. Plus, if the daughter is still living at home and being supported by mom and dad's money, she is still under their rules. I think if I were the amom, I would be upset that I was attempting to teach my daughter independence by doing things such as not paying her cell phone bill so that she could learn to be responsible about her own finances, and then having the bmom come in and take over that area. I can see where it would feel like a boundary violation. Also, the aparents don't feel the need to overindulge their daughter with material things (new computer, TV, etc.) and there is the bmom overriding that, too. Now, the bmom is probably not aware she is doing this, and I'm sure the daughter is all too happy to have these "benefits," and the mom is stuck. If she says anything to bmom or her daughter, she will be the bad guy. Mom is in a very difficult position! I mentioned this in the other thread, but as a bmom, I feel expensive gifts, bill paying, etc. in reunion is not appropriate, especially early on. Taking the place of the amom in certain events without at least discussing it with the daughter and/or amom is, IMO, not being very sensitive. I realize the adoptee is grown and can ask for whatever she wishes from her bmom. Maybe she wants to build a relationship with bmom and keep it independent and separate from amom. But if it were my child, I would want to make absolutely certain I wasn't stepping on his mom's toes before I proceeded. I think this does require everyone to come together and be on the same page as much as possible, if possible, especially early in reunion. Amom seems very patient and reasonable, not like some jealous shrew. I'm sure her anxiety would be eased if bmom would just take a moment to touch base with her and talk some of these issues out. Not going over the daughter's head, but just letting the daughter know that she doesn't want to step on toes and to ask you how you feel about all this. Although the daughter is 21, maturity wise, she's probably still very much an adolescent and not even thinking about these things. If the two "older" adults could come together without being adversarial, it could go a long way to make things smoother both now and down the road.

I agree with JustPeachy, amom seems to be very reasonable, for the circumstances. Bmom is definitely coming on too strong. What is she trying to prove? I can buy you things your adoptive mother (who is probably paying college tuition) cannot:- a new cell phone (so amom does not see the bills and know who calls and how often);- a new computer (so amom does not have passwords);- come on a roadtrip to visit me without your amom;- come to a family reunion without your amom.If she were married and were asked to do all this without her husband, would that be acceptable? I don't thing so! So, amom is not a "BLOOD RELATIVE". ( Neither are husbands.)This scenario may be unusual, but it is exactly why amoms "fear" the return of bmoms. Twenty-one seems to be the magical "snatch back" number, because the "child" is now legally an "adult" and the aparents no longer matter. Just send them a thank-you card and wave bye-bye.

Uncomfortable - You sound completely normal to me. You sound totally well-adjusted; I'm sure there are times when your feelings are supportive and times when you are doubtful. All totally normal. Your daugher is just sorting things out. I think you will do well with all this, and I think your daughter is lucky to have you to raise her, because she is going to have these traits as the foundation you have given her. That is great for both her and you! I'm impressed by your candidness and honesty. You will get through this just fine. You are a blessing to your daughter. FullQuiver - all I can say is WOW

JustPeachy My daughter (one I raised) got into credit card trouble when she first left home.. I bailed her out and made sure she understood how hard it is to live with debt.. She did not get another credit card.. and just said to me.. “Mom I have no debt.” She struggles yes.. but she does not live beyond her means.. and it does my heart good to know this.. These early lessons are so darn important... JustPeachy.. you are soooo right with your comments.. Jackie

I completely agree with you MamaS. Not only is it the reason amoms "fear" the return of bmoms, but unfortunately it sounds as if her dd is incredibly immature and self-absorbed. Oh and xxsexy...whatever your name is, "HER family reunion?" She doesn't even KNOW those people and they're her family because they share the same gene pool? HER family are the people who helped raise her, have loved her, put up with her adolescent crap, dried her tears, and been there for her every second of her life. Now that the bmom comes along, I suppose all that means diddly. Lovely. Just lovely.

OP has another thread on this same discussion.