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A recently found out I have a half brother that was given up for adoption when my mother was a teenager. Wow - this is really tough!!! What do I do? How do I act?
I am supportive of my mother who is also going through a tough time reliving all the pain from having a child so young when her boyfriend dumped her and having to give him up for adoption. Contact with my mother and he has been limited- just too early and Mom is dealing with the shock. I have received a letter from him (how I found out) but have not communicated back.
So, I have typed a letter that I will mail soon to acknowledge him. I have absolutly no idea where this will do - will I meet him, will we talk, I just don't know... What am I supposed to feel?
Also, does anyone have experience with their spouse being pretty upset at what has happened and not too happy about a reunion? My husband is the greatest man alive but I think his anger and protection of me has clouded his support that I need at this time in my life. He does not want to meet my half brother, talk to him or have anything to do with him. (lets just say his approach to announcing himself to myself and my mother was not the most appropriate way).
Any advice from anyone who has been in my shoes is most welcomed...
Thank you all!!
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First of all, welcome! It can be a rather large shock, to say the least.
How should you feel? Your feelings will belong to you alone. Above all, do not let someone else tell you what you should be feeling and when you should be feeling it. You will move through this process at your own rate. Throughout the reunion, there seems to be times of joy, confusion, jealousy, healing, anger, reconciliation, etc.... Name an emotion and it seems to come to light, differently for each person, based on their personality and their relationships. Every feeling you have is valid and should be respected.
How should you act? Well, personally, I always vote for politely. But whether to have contact or not is up to you. Some bsibs are eager to know their placed sib, others aren't so eager. If you want to have contact, I would advise to take it slowly, just as you would any other relationship. You might click instantly, you might not.
Most times, there seems to be an intense rush of emotion at the beginning, which later settles down. Some people refer to it as 'an obsession' initially.
Please feel free to ask any questions or PM me privately, if you wish.
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Take it very slow!!!! how did he present himeslf? I would let him get to know your mom first. I also don't think you have to act like instant sis either. I have seen MANT cases that biofamilies meet up and then don't really like each other. I have also seen where they do meet up and there is an instant connection. What is actually going to happen here? Well you never know. There is alot for everyone to process and it will take time. how is your mom doing with all of this?
When I was about 16 my mom told me that if I ever became pregnant (like another young girl at my church) that I would give my baby away for adoption. I said, "No I woud not!" And she blurted out, "Yes you would, just like I did!!!" I was shocked to say the least.
She then told me the story of how she placed a girl (my bio sib) for adoption just a few years before I was born. And AFTER my older brother and sister. So I have a bio sister out there who is between me and my older sister. I was totally dumbfounded. I must admit I instantly began to wonder about her and have wanted to meet her ever since. I would be elated if she ever contacted us. My mom was in a difficult situation at the time and her and her husband told everyone that their baby died. So although I would like to look, my mom wants nothing to do with it and I have to respect her wishes as everyone is in the dark about this.
If I were you I would take it slow but do what YOU want to do. He contacted YOU. Maybe your husband is worried that this will create drama in your life but you should do what you feel is right. If it were me I would SO excited!
Good luck!
I think that Birdeez has good advice here. As someone who only found out 7 months ago about a relinquished sibling, it can be tough to comprehend at first. I know that for me things haven't settled out yet....my mom's still in that honeymoon phase and still too obsessed with her other daughter to meet my needs. The problem is that there isn't any road map for what you should or shouldn't do in this situation. You just have to be true to yourself and what you are comfortable with. Contact me anytime....I'm right there with you.Knittygirl
Thanks, all, for your support! Having others going through similar situations to talk to helps tremendously.
Mom is doing well. She doesn't know if she does or doesn't want contact or how to feel at this point. We don't really talk about it much but want to ask her this week if she is okay with me sending him a letter. I feel I need to acknowledge for it to be really real and move on to the next phase (whatever that is).
Keep in touch all!! This forum is great!
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I am right where you are. I just found out a couple of weeks ago. I am in a place mentally where I want to reach out and I want to know my sibling. My mom is having trouble having to come to terms with the fact that her birth child is looking her up almost 40 years later. I am hoping my mom gets help dealing with all the emotions this has to be bringing up for her, but I can't help but think about what my sib is going through. Though, admittedly I also feel like none of us gets to choose our parents and many of us would pick others if we had the chance, their adoptive parents ARE their parents, ARE their history, much more than my mom is to my birth sibling. This is all so confusing. I care for both of them and their feelings, I hope they meet, I hope they both get what they need from each other and I hope I fit in to my birth siblings life in some way.
I am on the other side of the spectrum. I reunited with my 8 birth siblings - They had no idea I even existed! What a shock. The birth order as they knew it changed - But what meant a lot to me was that even though they were in shock and had a lot of emotions going on, they welcomed me. It has been over 8 years now and I am just part of the family and it is one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.
My husband was reluctant for me to search and reunite - He was afraid I would get hurt. That may be what is going on with your husband. But after he knew that I really needed to do this - He really was a wonderful source of support to me and has bonded with my new family too.
I urge you to read alot about what bmoms go through - what adoptees go through. And I wish you much happiness.
Snuffie