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I hope you don't mind me dropping in but I have a question that only a birthmother could answer. We are in an open adoption with our daughter, Castle's birthmother and her family and suddenly, after 4 years I feel so bad when our visit is over and we are walking away in different directions. Sometimes it from lunch, sometimes we just stop by bmom's work but I always wonder how she feels to see us part ways carrying her baby. We have a wonderful relationship but she is not an overly open person with her emotions so I can't ask her--hoping someone here can help.
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I hope you don't mind me dropping in but I have a question that only a birthmother could answer. We are in an open adoption with our daughter, Castle's birthmother and her family and suddenly, after 4 years I feel so bad when our visit is over and we are walking away in different directions. Sometimes it from lunch, sometimes we just stop by bmom's work but I always wonder how she feels to see us part ways carrying her baby. We have a wonderful relationship but she is not an overly open person with her emotions so I can't ask her--hoping someone here can help.
Bmom may not be overly open with emotions, but why can't you discuss with her how you feel anyway? I think she might be touched to know you are so concerned (I know I would). And perhaps by sharing your concern, she will open up more. Maybe this doesn't bother her, or maybe it does and a discussion could ensue where you could both come up with a way to part ways that would feel more positive and hopeful.
Just an idea. I'm not in OA, but if I was, I would be happy to know that my child's amom was even thinking of these things. Why not share your thoughts with her and see how it goes?
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I have so many conflicting feelings that it is tough. I'm thrilled that I got to see kiddo, but I'm still sad when it is the end of a visit. I'm still sad that he isn't staying with me or coming home with me.
Sometimes I'm angry at myself too, it depends on how the visit went. My last visit wasn't so hot when it came to kiddo's mom, and I was pretty deep into some self loathing.
I would NEVER tell kiddo's parents how I feel though. I don't think that me feeling unhappy fits into their paradigm of adoption and I am of course scared of rocking their boat because I don't want to lose what little contact I get.
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Thanks for all the input! When we leave a visit I always make sure everyone has all the hugs and kisses they can get and that we all walk away at the same time even if it's in different directions. Sometimes I wonder if "E" is looking back over her shoulder but I'm afraid to look and see, it would just break my heart. I think because we have two bio boys I am more intune to how she must feel seeing her baby leave with someone else. I know she is happy with her decision and that we all love each other dearly but it just hurts to think how she must feel.
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I look back over my shoulder often. We usually walk away at the same time, except of course the time I go to their house for the visit. But if we have lunch and we are parked in different areas I always look back.
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I love visits, love visits. When we leave I wouldn't say that we are sad, but certainly wish we could stay longer. After visits I always wish we lived closer.
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I always look back - once they were standing at the top of the stairs waving me on. That was hard to walk away from, but they stayed in the moment until it was "over." Once when I looked back, they were already in a new convo with the SW - laughing and discussing something. That time was rough.
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thanksgivingmom
I always look back - once they were standing at the top of the stairs waving me on. That was hard to walk away from, but they stayed in the moment until it was "over." Once when I looked back, they were already in a new convo with the SW - laughing and discussing something. That time was rough.
From your posts-I wonder if they are protecting their address or something? How open is the adoption?
It does seem rude, like asking people over and expecting some to leave after drinks and others stay for dinner--
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I don't know their address at this point but I don't *think* we have trust issues like that - I would certainly hope that we don't!
I don't know what the motive for it is, or if there is one - it could definitely just be happenstance. From my perspective the why the do it isn't really important at this point. I can just report on how it feels and how it affects me.
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As a birthmom I think I would love to hear that you care about her feelings so much. I think you are caring and sweet.
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I was just wondering how to get started with asking about visits with my little one. We talked about it once when I was pregnant, but I just dont want to offend her if she not ready. We have a great relationship and talk often. We also have an open adoption. Thanks!
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Stacey - I am scared to death every time I ask for a visit (all BOTH times! haha). Basically I just sent an email updating Cupcake's Mom on me and what was going on and then asked about them and what was going on.
At the end I basically just said that I would love to see them both sometime in the next couple months if it was convenient for them. This was my most recent inquiry after two visits. When I was hoping for the FIRST visit I was even MORE nervous but just put it out there as something that I was hoping would happen when the time was right for them. Just letting them know that I was ready was a big first step. Sometimes aparents don't want to cross the line and offend you if YOU'RE not ready, you konw?
I have learned quickly that when Cupcake's Mom wasn't ready she let me know. It was hard, but when she was ready it was well worth the wait :love:
Best of luck to you!!!
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Thanksgivingmom
Thanks for responding. I am going to email her tomorrow. Just hint a little and see where it goes from there. Thanks again
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I cried every time i said goodbye for 4 years straight. In front of EVERYONE, i counldnt help it, i was so sad, i am so sad still. I was a teen mom and the option to keep my baby was never there, my parents made sure of that. So that's where all the sadness comes in. Now, 10 years later i've learned to wait till i get in the car to cry. It feels so unatural leaving the one person in the world I want with me :(
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staceysberry
As a birthmom I think I would love to hear that you care about her feelings so much. I think you are caring and sweet.
these are my sentiments exactly. and if i were your matrikin****(see definition below) i would more than welcome a gentle attempt to have a conversation about that!
**matrikin is a word that was just invented on one of the threads, to describe the relationship that the bmom and the amom share, and i will be using it in my posts because i think a special word for that unique relationship is needed! :)
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