Unplanned and unhappy

I have to agree with ourdream and Jenna....and I used Safe Haven. I do NOT encourage other women to do the same. In California the baby does NOT go into foster care but is placed with a possible adoptive family that has agreed to a high risk placement (at least this was our situation as well as other Safe Haven Placements I know of) and the time period to change your mind is ten days. My DD's birthfather had no interest in her, no desire to know anything about me or her during the pregnancy, and I STILL don't feel good about what I did by not involving him in that part. Had he expressed an interest to parent or voiced an opinion against adoption there is no way I would have done what I did. Safe Haven ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT be used as a way to get around birthfather rights. And while legally safe haven may not be considered abandoning your baby, the rest of the world certainly does see it that way. Also, there are loopholes in the legality of it, such as if you provide your own full name the police are authorized to investigate. (At least this is what I was told when I was in the hospital). Safe Haven is not as "safe" as it's name implies. If you would like to, please feel free to PM me. Edited to add Jenna's name at the beginning once I saw she responded as well :)

Sorry maybe I shouldn't have said get around it the father should have a say in where his child ends up but he's been playing these games for awhile now he's the one who threw my BC away and he also said that if I gave it up or had it aborted he'd want me to have another child in a year He knows the reasons why I don't want it in the family and it wouldn't be fair to the child I'm an 8th grade drop out who can't get a job and has been rejected countless times in the past year I would either have to be supported by my mother or him My mother is an alcoholic who can't admit her problem and I can barely handle taking care of her I have hardly any family and the family that lives close wants to keep there distance from me The father is 22 years old who can barely support himself and doesn't even have the time to raise a child I've also seen him around my friends and his families children and I would be scared to death to leave him alone with a child he's still a little kid himself and all I want is the best for the child and I know I can't provide that About the safe heaven he does know when my due date is and he could easily take it to court when the baby turns up missing pretty much an adoption can and would be stopped by him since he didn't give his consent and in most states either you have to register or you have to support the mother in some way while she is pregnant and he did since I did live with him until my mom went into the hospital and I had to come back to take care of her So I guess there's really nothing I can do and I'm just completely stuck..

Stiina, You said that you do have some family that lives close but they keep their distance from you. I have had that a long time ago with my family. However, if they could be good parents it is worth asking them. They may just surprise you. Don't count them out. You are trying to do the responsible thing. If the father is not fit to parent this child and he takes you to court, the court will see that and you may still plan an adoption. Again, please keep us posted.

I first want to tell you that you are not alone, even though it feels that way. and that you do have a choice. This 'relationship' has raised some flags with me, first he made the decision to get you pregant and is threatening to get you pregnant again. This is abuse, while he may not hurt you in the ways usually thought of abuse, control is abuse. There are programs out there to help you. You sound articulate and intelligent, there are programs for you to finish school. There are many adoption programs where the adopting family will support the birth mother through the pregnancy, I think your best bet is to get involved with a program for assitance for you to make a life for yourself and get away from your current situation. There is hope. Do not worry about the father's rights over your child's. No child should be born with a job to do, nor should they be born into an abusive relationship. You have a good head on your shoulders, That is worth more than gold. You have a choice. Make your life better and your child's. You are both worth it.

Thanks everyone so much I have an appointment to go see my doctor in the next week she said that she'll work things out with me to figure out a plan and discuss all my options with me :D But I'm just curious what is an unfit mother?

Dakotabluebaby, I Really like the comment that "No baby should be born with a job to do" How True! So much emotion is put on a little baby by so many in an adoption situation. Stiina, You have plenty of time to think things over. I hope all goes well with your Doctor.

Stiina~ As a Moderator here at Adoption.com I would like to welcome you and also let you know that we are not a matching site, if anyone PM's you or emails you asking for your baby please let a Moderator or Admin know so that we can take appropriate action. We want you to find all the support you need here without any pressure.Again, Welcome and best of luck to you!

I first want to tell you that you are not alone. There are hundreds of girls going through the same thing right now. I'm glad that you're going to talk to your doctor next week. I hope that he/she is able to give you some insight and direction. I recommend talking to an adoption agency. A lot of adoption agencies now have counselors there who are there to talk to girls whether they choose to place or not. I hope that once you have the facts before you you will be able to make the right choice for you and your baby. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope things work out for the best! Good luck!

Just a suggestion, adoption agencies are not in the business to provide you with all of your options, unfortunately. They are there to place babies for adoption, you deserve unbiased counseling from someone who stands to gain nothing from your decision.

Well, Stiina, I'm so very curious as to why you ask what an unfit mother is (has someone suggested you might possibly be one when your baby is born perhaps? I am not suggesting that, but just wondering how this came up????) I'm certainly not an expert, put the term generally means when a mom is not "fit" to be the parent of her child, as in not capable of making the necessary good decisions to see that the child is well taken care of. I don't think it means that she is poor and is therefore struggling to get the money to pay for the things the child needs. That would make her poor not necessarily unfit. I THINK unfit means more like doesn't really CARE whether or not the child is dressed with warm clothes if it is cold or if the child has soda instead of formula or leaves the baby alone while she goes to the store, etc. There may be some legal definition of "unfit" that someone can share with you, but I've often heard it over the years when people were being mean or judgemental to say, "Oh, she's UNFIT to be a mother!" when they didn't like or agree with something a woman was or wasn't doing with her child. Now on the other hand, unfortunately, I have seen many times woman who were unquestionably "unfit" if we are going by the don't care one bit about the child's food or clothes or going to the doctor when sick or that sort of thing. If someone ever suggests that a woman who needs HELP to get on her feet with money or get things together to make a home for her baby is "unfit" then they are mean and wrong. Poor or unprepared doesn't, in my opinion, mean unfit. And IF this is your case (and I hope I am not offending you, as I don't know if it is or not) many churches and other organizations will help you get prepared with the things you need for the baby (a crib, to name just one small thing). There are also classes for free that teach you how to change diapers and look after babies and other parenting classes. Now that sounds like it makes it all so very easy and it doesn't. I just want you to see that your situation is NOT hopeless. You have options and there are some resources available to help with some needs. Did I just confuse you worse....I rambled on didn't I....sorry....best wishes.....

Some of my friends have told me that I would be a horrible mother to any child and that the child should be placed far away from me and my mother and I guess I could understand where there coming from which makes me wonder could I really be that unfit to be a mother I know that the money situation is nothing to be worried of because no matter how much I wouldn't like them to provide for my child they have told me many times not to worry about it I know that I do have a horrible temper it isn't as bad as it once was but I wonder if the blackouts I once had would affect who would be the main care taker of the child if I was not able to adopt the baby out There's also my anxiety and depression problem and my past with drugs and over use of drinking Plus cutting that hasn't happened in 5 years but the scars are still visible and my mothers alcoholic I'm just wondering how that would turn out for me if it was brought up in court I know I might not be a great mother to a child but I'm a kind person and I know I'm not perfect but I know I would never harm my child or ever want to I know the do's and the don't of raising a child by spending time with my family and friends children and it would honestly break my heart to know that the child couldn't be around me as much because of my past I know I would try and be the best for my child but I also know I'm not as good as the people who have dreamed about having a child who are older and have there life straight and are ready to adopt that's why I'd rather adopt the child out to someone who could give my baby the world but if I had no choice I couldn't imagine the father using my past against me to hurt me and make me seem like a horrible person who shouldn't be around her own child [[I don't know if that all sounded a bit wrong but sorry to those it might offend]]

A) Therapy will help with anger management, anxiety and depression. While I'm not always a go-to-guy for medication, it is also an option for those who need help. At this point, it doesn't sound like you're actively in therapy or dealing with the issues behind or related to anxiety/depression/anger/temper. Even if they don't seem "bad" right now, therapy really isn't a bad option even for the "healthiest" among us. B) In fact, a therapist not attached to an adoption agency is going to be best suited to help you talk through your own personal issues and sort through the pros and cons of parenting and relinquishment. I think this should really be your next course of action.

Stiina,Sorry you're in a tough situation. One thing you might consider is going to your local Department of Social Services, and asking them to open a voluntary case. They can help you get good prenatal care, and help support you during the pregnancy and after. If you need financial help to parent, they can help you get WIC (food), food stamps, subsidized housing, and free childcare. They can also help you get into a program where you can get your GED and some job training.If the baby's father is indeed an unfit parent, DSS will give him a treatment plan, and if he cannot complete it, they will terminate his parental rights.And if, in the end, DSS thinks he's an unfit parent and you decide you simply can't parent even with help, DSS can find a certified fost/adopt family that can adopt the baby. The nice thing about doing it this way is that since DSS doesn't have a significant financial incentive to get that baby adopted, they'll keep adoption as a last resort. You can have a chance to parent with some support first, if that is what you want.If you're currently struggling with your sobriety, and you need some support in staying sober throughout your pregnancy, you can contact your local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. They'll help you connect with some supportive resources, give you a sponsor who can support you emotionally, and cheer you on as you work to improve your health and your well-being. Both AA and NA are in the phone book and easy to find.Good luck! We're all wishing you a healthy pregnancy and the best possible outcome for both you and the baby. I hope that whether you decide that parenting is best for you or adoption is best for you, that you have a lot of support and the feeling that you've made a good plan.

Stiina I have seen many expectant moms here that says " I do not want my baby " , " I do not want to raise this child" But I have not seen any birthmoms who in fact do not want or love their baby.So when you come here it is as if you expect to be told." Yes like you we did not want our child.. "Noo do not expect to get that type of aswers.You may not understand what it is to be a mother but once you see your baby you will understand you will "get " it .. And if you are seperated from your baby you will understand it with the feeling of thousands of bricks has crashed on you. With the emptiness that will never live you completely.. You know sometimes we are much more strong than we give ourselves credit for.And we do change.Our expectances changes, how good a mother you can be, you can only find out with walking those steps with your child.Yet sometimes birthmoms after loosing their children understand how strong they are infact were.. Only they know how much strenght it needs to be normal and even to do the daily rutine things. When they have other children they see that it is hard to raise a child yet it has got so many rewards.Yet when you lose your child , you lose a part of you which you will never get back. Both you and your child will lose first..This may deepen your anxiety and depression.You know cutting is sometimes related with wanting to kill or harm something within you that does not belong to you.Something that bothers you.. Yet you know I have seen many birthmoms that are talking about."guilt depression anxiety " because seperation creates a trauma. For both child and the mother. Being a mother makes you grow up.. Because now you have a reason to live for..You have a reason to accomplish things. I think this may help you to get out of depression.Once you adopt your baby out.. Do not think that adoptive parents are immune to changes.They can also get seperated , they can lose their jobs, they are human and human things also happen to them. Life changes constantly.. Do not rush anything.. And read do research and after you get at least a glimps of what infact really is to be a "birth mother" and when you understand it then decide. There are many bloks, websites and people that can give you tons of information please educate yourself.Before deciding on anything please also do a parenting plan. You can decide on adoption any time .Good luck..

As a child of an alcoholic father, I suspect that many of your emotional problems stem from your history with your mother. Whether or not you choose to parent (and I hope that you will seriously consider that option rather than just automatically buying into what those around you are saying), you should definitely try to find some sort of therapy. Joining a group such as Al-Anon or ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is an option that would not cost anything, though you should still try to get help from a professional as well. I especially recommend joining one of those groups if you do choose to parent because it can help you to recognize how your past has affected you and help you to learn ways to keep it from affecting your parenting style.