Separation Anxiety

Lonewolf3, I absolutely know what you are talking about when you are saying that you "hold people at arms length", and that you never missed your aparents and it didn't mean that you didn't love them. I can totatlly relate to you. I have a 23 yr old daughter and a 22 yr old son, and I love them with all my heart. WE live 1100 mils away, and I don't miss them. I know I can talk to them on the phone and that's fine for me. And I get pics on the net too! so we stay in touch. I'm sure if I didn't have that it would be painful for me, so maybe that's not so unnormal, I don't know. I am very close with both of them, and I love them with all my heart!!! I just don't miss them. I hear mother's talking about their young adult children and how much they miss them sometimes, and I feel guilty that I don't really miss mine. I doin't miss people in general though, never have. It's all very logical to me, you are there, I am here, and so??? I'll be back on such and such date, or I won't be back, I mean I just adjust to whatever the facts are. I don't know what else to do. Missing people seems like a big wasted emotion to me! But, my birth mother??? OH, now that's something way different altogether. I MISS HER! I feel deeply about her, and I'll weep over it for hours only end wanting her! I still know she's out there though. If I knew that she wans't there??? I don't know, I'm not in that spot to deal with that, or not that I a know of yet. I very well could be, the last I heard about my birth mother was about 5 years ago she was still living, that doesn't mean that she still is. I just don't know yet, that's all. I have only experienced the feeling of "missing someone" a couple of times and that was my husband a couple of years ago, I went back home for a visit and he had to stay because of work, and I relaly missed him by the time I was away for a few days. It was a NEW feeling for me at the age of about 41! i wasn't told that I was adopted and that I had a birth mother out there, and recently found out, I didn't escape not one behavioral issue or relationship problem due to this and it's all about the emotions I have for her that are to this date "unresolved"! The more I work on things, the better I am getting, and I know that working through this, although painful and awful at times, is so well worth it. Some days, it's not so good, had a couple of them in the past two days! I'm probably the only person that actually giggled to myself with joy that I felt like I missed my husband while I was away! It's silly, but it is true. I cherish moments like that after not feeling that way for my whole life. It does make me feel alive!:cheer: I'm so glad you are only 22 and you are starting to work on your issues, there is so much hope for you. There are so many helpful supportive things you can do, and so many ways to connect to others that have been through what you are going through. It helps me immensely just to know that I don't go through all this stuff alone, and that others know how this feels at times. Glad you are here!

white_elephant,That is so weird (yet oddly comforting) to hear that someone else has that "love to the death but never miss" kind of feeling. I always wondered if I was the only adoptee who felt like this. I too am very close with my family, and would take a bullet for them but I never miss them. I don't even have pictures of my family or anything in my room, like a lot of people do, or anything like that-no family memorabilia. And I agree, it's so logical. Like when I went away to college, my view was that, hey, I'm going halfway across the country, you're staying here, what is there to freak out about? It's also intriguing to hear it from a mother's perspective. I'm sure I'm also going to be like that-not missing my kids. My question to you is, how were you when you were before you married your husband? Like, when you guys were moving towards marriage. Did you feel like you never missed him if you weren't together? Did he ever think you didn't care about him as much because you didn't miss him? I hope it's not too personal of a question-I'm just always wondering about that for when I seriously date a guy.

lonewolf, I too was "oddly comforted" by your issue of the "missing", not missing feelings. One of the reasons I like it here, I learn that I'm not the only one that has these issues, and it does seem to cause a sense of "normalcy" to it, if there is such a thing for us. lol. I would say that my DH places more stock on the fact that he can trust me to do what I say and say what I mean, and be where I say I am going to be. We are very honest with each other, and I have learned the hard way that it is imperative that I be wholly honest in any relationship that I am in, those are the best ones, and the ones most worth it. Since he had been cheated on in the past, and so had I, we went into the relationship being very honest. WE are also best friends and have been from the start. He just wants to know that he can trust me, he doesn't really care if I miss him or not, if he does, well, that's kind of too bad, cause I really only have that emotion sometimes. lol, he can't have it all! I have so many other very passionate emotions about him, with him and for him I don't think that one matters too much. He's a guy, they don't get into the feelings thing all that much either. At least mine doesn't. Yet he is very sensitive with me for a guy. I am very blessed to have him for a husband, he is a very unique and wonderful man. I am blessed, very blessed. Another testiment to why it is always best to be honest, no matter how painful it is in the beginning, always be honest. Get it out in te open up front, then you at least know what you are dealing with, even if you don't like it. I'm not easily offended either, I tend to take a long time to reply or post because I am aware that not much offends me, so I have a hard time gauging what might be offensive to someone else. Feel free to PM my anytime. Look forward to hearing more from you... Warm regards.

I wish I had understood about Separation Anxiety when I gave my son up for adoption. I thought it was just a symptom of him watching my husband beating me all the time till he finally sent ended up sending him to foster care while I was in the hospital. I had no idea that this was also normal behavior for a child as they started to walk till I had children when I got older. Talk about the quilt and the If I only knew.Ԕ However my Amother was always complaining about me not being kind of baby she had wanted. She wanted a baby she could cuddle and rock and I would have none of it. The birthmother had known for quite a while during the pregnancy that she wasnt going to keep me so I would imagine those feelings would be transferred even at those early stages of life. :hippie:

I have no doubt it does effect the baby, only thing is I have no proof to substanciate it's effect. bprice215

I am an adoptee. I am 20 now. I still stuggle with letting people get too close to me or me getting too close to people. It makes relationships really difficult. I have met my bfamily and I noticed that it is getting a little better, but mainly just with family. I really do believe that adoption has something to do with it. I don't know what or why, but its there.

My reunited daughter will be 23 on New Years Day and she has shared that she also has a difficult time letting others get close and that we, her B-family are only a handful of folks shes allowed to do so. It's funny... (as in Primal Wound funny) because she never knew she was adopted until I made connect! That tells me there is truth behind the P / W theory. Lonewolf, I posted to say no, you are not alone. In my Adoption Group there are many adoptees with this and similar issues. My daughter has stated she has never let a boyfriend get "too close" and that she avoids emotional attachments even when she dates men who qualify as "The One." She dated a guy for 2+ years and one night while staying at his condo she found a receipt for a ring days before Valentines Day so she came up with a bogus excuse to bail.

I gain so much insight when I read posts from the various sectors of the triad and I thank you for sharing. Tracy

Okay you guys. I am going to set forth another theory here about the adoptee's described 'failure to allow oneself to get emotionally close'...I am NOT trying to offend, I am just going to put this out there because I think there MIGHT be a little possible kernel of truth, perhaps. After reading all the posts above, and having read Primal Wound when our kids were younger, another possibility comes to mind. I am almost afraid to post it because if you do not read it in the way it is intended, it will sound mean and it is not at all. Okay, many of us can agree that emotional temperament can be genetic and inherited. And while a bmom is pregnant, she may often try really hard not to get too atttached because it is so painful for her.So perhaps, just perhaps, SOME adoptees inherit from their bfamily, a temperament which does not easily get too close to another. Maybe that is an emotion that the bmothers feel they NEED to try and develop while they are pregnant, otherwise they could never give the child up. And so maybe the baby, in utero, absorbs this 'disconnect'and carries it into their life. Do not hate me for putting forth this shred of a tiny thought. I am simply brainstorming, and am not trying to be disrespectful in ANY way.

Maybe that is an emotion that the bmothers feel they NEED to try and develop while they are pregnant, otherwise they could never give the child up.

And so maybe the baby, in utero, absorbs this 'disconnect'

and carries it into their life. Do not hate me for putting forth this shred of a tiny thought. I am simply brainstorming, and am not trying to be disrespectful in ANY way.

Thanks for posting another theory on this topic; in my case if you are correct, this could very well be the reason. My daughter was conceived during a rape involving multiple rapists and I did everything under the sun to avoid even THINKING about her while in utero. The only problem is, it DID NOT PREVENT ME FROM BONDING AND CONNECTING WITH HER. In fact, it probably created a stronger connection knowing our time together was limited, and because I saw her as a victim, too. I have 3 raised kids in addition to my reunited daughter and I can honestly say I am able to recall much more of the details involved in my pregnancy and the moments and days after her birth almost 23 years ago than I can of my most recent pregnancy 2 months ago. I know for a fact that I was extremely connected to her, so much so that even though the newborn nursery was at the other end of the corridor I "knew" when my baby was crying b/c my breast would ache. They hurt to the point of waking me from a deep and I made a game of calling the nurses to ask if she were crying. They never hurt at any other time and I was not engorged. The nurses would scream and ask "how did you know?" They called me psychic! I never wanted to think of her as MY baby, since I knew I couldn't raise her but it didn't stop me from bonding with her. The fact that we would be separated soon and forever ( closed adoption) made the connection we formed very intense. It's kinda like visiting with a dying relative while they are in the hospital. You "absorb" every breath, smell, sigh, movement etc. b/c you know it won't last. The bond just happens no matter what you try or try not to feel. I don't hate you for having thought this but it is important that you realize that adoption workers often felt if we didn't see, hear, touch or hold our babies we wouldn't bond with them and the decision to place would be easier to make, and many of us I'm sure believed it. The fact is the bond / connection is involuntary and happens long before birth. My daughter doesn't seem to have a problem getting CONNECTING to anyone, she has a problem WANTING TO CONNECT. Maybe you theory is correct, I don't know. Tracy

ya know its really great to read these and very comforting to know that im not alone. i am also an adoptee and can relate to not missing my parents. i love them with my heart but am now also living in a different state. i dont feel i ever bonded with my aparents the way i saw so many other children bond with theirs. is that normal for an adoptee to feel? i try not to get too close to people but the few i let in i notice i fight to keep them in my life... ive managed to stay close friends with the few exs i have and have a couple really close girlfriends as well. but i dont open up much and although ill say how im feeling i never let people see me angry or hurt. i tend to keep things bottled up. is that also a common thing? <3

It seems like what you are describing is in the realm of attachment issues. I was adopted as an infant and thought all of my life that I didn't have issues because I had no photographic memories of my birth family. I have learned that we also have "cellular" memory meaning our bodies remember things even if our minds do not remember. As I have starting working on my issues, I realize that my entire life has been affected by attachment issues related to being adopted. It seems like I opened up a Pandora's box when I started working on these issues, but I know I will be glad that I did it in the end.

I am an AP . We adopted our baby at birth. She's just a toddler now and we are very very bonded. To the extent i just can't bear to go away from her for even some important work for more than 2-3 hours.(I'm a Stay home mom now) My tummy hurts if hers does too. She needs me all the time and her little world revolves around me despite her daddy always being there for her. And a full time maid who watches her very very occassionally in my absense. I just wanted to ask the adoptees who are facing seperation anxiety. And don't feel you are missing your A.parents in their absense. Were you always this way even as small children or does that feeling come later as an adult. I don't wish to hurt any one with my question. I just keep wondering if our child will face this too as an adult. P.S- I am afraid to read P.W

As a child I had huge issues with it. I used to stay with my grandparents for about a week at a time and remember crying myself to sleep every night. Basically my thoughts were, my AParents were going to die or not come back and get me. This lasted into my teen years. Now, when I go see my parents and then leave - I still have feelings like, what if that was the last time I saw them. I'm sad for a few hours and want to go back. After that, I'm fine.. I stop missing them, and sometimes don't even think about them. Its an out of sight/out of mind type of thing I think. But its like that for me with everyone, not just my parents. If I don't see you and talk to you, its like you don't exist. Its not that I don't love them. I think its just a way that I learned to cope with them not being around. I will tell you though, this is how I felt. My brother is also adopted, has had no issues with it. Please don't assume that, this is how your daughter will feel. Its good to see that you are so interesested, but I do hope that you remember your daughter is an individual who's feelings are her own. It can be very infuriating(speaking from experience) when a parent says, we'll I have read, and talked to other people about it, so this is how you must feel. So please, let her feel how she feels, love her for who she grows up to be.

Thx i appreciate your response. I do too believe every child is a different individual and reading different adult adoptees and their experience really enforces that view in me. I can just try to be a very good parent and avoid all mistakes adoptive parents make. And support our child through any emotional crisis she ever faces if she faces.

I can definitely related to what everyone is talking about. In my case, I was not relinquished for adoption until I was 6 months old because my bmom was trying to find some way of being able to keep me. I was put into an infant home, orphanage, whatever you wish to call it and she never visited me. I was cared for by Nuns and volunteers. By the time she signed the papers and I was officially adopted my parents didn't take me home until I was just about 9 months old. So basically I spent the first 8-9 months of my life alone with no one to bond to. I definitely think it had a profound impact on my life. I am scared to death of rejection and understand the holding people at arm's length but at the same time when I do love someone I love them SOOOOOO MUCH and I am scared to death of losing them and being "alone" again. It's a very strange dual identity almost and hard to explain to anyone who doesn't understand it. I come from a family of 8 children and many aunts, uncles and cousins but at the same time feel absolutely, totally alone and like I'm not connected to them or anyone else. And thank you, Katie52, for maybe giving another possible viewpoint on this. Everyone is different and is affected by different things and I think your point was very valid. We've all heard studies about what a fetus "absorbs" and we've seen people who put headphones to their stomachs so the baby can listen to the music, etc. so why would it be such a stretch to think that the way a woman may be feeling when she's pregnant and her emotions during that time wouldn't somehow be transferred to her unborn child. Definitely food for thought.