How to say it's not you - it's me?

Kate, No way to get people to do what they aren't ready but I totally understand your frustration. I don't completely understand why your son would let his bdad not communicating with him affect his relationship with you. I mean, I sort of see how it can, but does it HAVE to? That being said, men tend to think of themselves as providers. They have their whole self worth tied up in being protector and provider. Maybe he feels he failed as a man somehow even though he was not yet a man when he was faced with a choice. Honestly, he was more of a man for having wanted better for his son. If he could somehow forgive himself maybe he could move on toward a relationship with the child you both created. If their aren't other problems in the marrage, don't blow it off in favor of the child who, by the way has another family he is bound to be loyal to. Your son can still be a high priority without damage to your current family can't he?

((Kate)) You know I love you, but as I was reading this, I wondered if perhaps your hubby feels threatened by your love for your son. Not saying it is right if he does, but could he feel that he is on the outside of your love right now? Does he give you reasons as to why he doesn't want to meet your son? I think that you both need to sit down with someone and work through this. Bitterness and resentment will continue to build, into it bursts into something unrepairable. You may not even realize it, but you could even be holding bitterness towards him from YEARS ago..... I agree with holly, does your husbands non-relationship HAVE to affect your reunion with son? You know I want the best for you!!!!!! You deserve it!!!

Thanks everyone, Brock you're right - I've recognized the bitterness and anger toward hubby early on in reunion and kept it in check (or so I think). He won't go to counselling and, thanks Ravensong, but I don't think a good whack would knock any sense into him. Jackie, I appreciate your post, I didn't phrase it correctly - "different kind of love" is right. Holly, we have other more pressing issues in our marriage - kids at college, parents and sibling wars, the usual. I know that I did harbour quite a bit of resentment in that I had to go to school every day at the same high school and I won't tell you the horror stories there and he had moved away. Even today, when I meet people they give me that look like - "oh yeah, it's you". Nobody, other than hubby's family knew for sure he was the dad so, in his words, he had it so much easier, now comes the tough part for him. So far, we've agreed to disagree on bson's involvement in his life, I'm sure bson will write to him but I'm sure he's got to be afraid of rejection - if I can't get him to write a letter to bson then what? Anyway, I'm leaving the others to find their way in their relationship. I don't know if my other kids are in contact, or how much, really it's their lives (although they usually do tell me). I guess I answered my own question, I should give hubby the same courtesy. I guess what burns me is when I do take time out for bson or myself it becomes an "issue" again, perhaps hubby is jealous? He doesn't feel badly about placing him, quite the opposite, he just doesn't want "others' to know our "dirty little secret" as he puts it. For some reason he thinks are current friends will abandon us. That's what really ticks me off. I'm sure everything will work out eventually but I do think it is affecting bson and my relationship in the sense that I feel terrible that he can't even meet him once. He's such a great person and really doesn't "want" anything. Although he has said he'd be disappointed I think we'd be able to carry on getting to know each other but it's rejection all the same and I just don't want that for him. Thanks again, :love: Kate

Hey Keds. I haven'y been on the forums for a while, but reading your post made me feel sad. I am going thru a no contact stage at the mo., her to me I mean. It makes me really sad, but I know she has a letter I wrote and sent to her last year. Not sure I can do much more than that, other than still sending her the odd email and photos. A copy of that letter is in my past posts, about sept last year. I just found it , under ' Cant get past my fear' and know that she has it. Have a read if you like. Don't know what to do about your hubby, but keep your love free and arms open. We aren't joined to our hubbies by the hip and need to do our thing sometimes! Susie

At least you are honest enough to admit it. My mother still denies that she has any preference, but it is obvious. I used to say that she should have had her placed daughter and then gotten a dog (I was pretty young at the time). Perhaps your husband feels he needs to show some preference or loyalty to the raised children. I do hope that he comes around to at least meeting your bson, someday. But people move at their own pace and forcing a reunion before he's ready could be more destructive that helpful. Good luck.

Hi Susie - Good point! I fell like he we're joined at the hip as he is now semi-retired and ALWAYS around - he really needs something to keep him busy. Birdeez - unfortunately, he isn't being "loyal", he rarely shows emotion towards raised kids, I've always been the invovled one - the point where the youngest says I love her "too much". Although it was hard at first, my oldest raised child "gets it and me" as she says. It's not a "more" love but a different feeling - I'm comfortable with them knowing that a love them and there is no guilt (well at little at the things I couldn't provide or the times I had a "mom" tantrum). With him, it's the guilt and longing for missed years that my other kids say makes the difference. They are open and looking forward to getting to know him and establish some kind of relationship with him. I guess if I wasn't as comfortable with them and them with me than we probably wouldn't be able to talk openly. Both raised kids and I have had several long discussions and we're in a good place - bdad just wants NO part of it. It hasn't affected their relationship with their dad as he has always been "distant" but they have said they're concerned for me as I don't like to see anyone hurting. thanks for your comments - things WILL get better! :love: Kate

Hi Kate, just wanted to send you a hug and add my support...and if you would like, I would be more than happy to give him a big swift kick in the behind? Hang in there.

just when i get fully into the "pity me" stage of my grief i look at other posts and realize how easy my situation is compared to what so many other bmoms go through in terms of children,husbands, afamilies, etc... as always, this forum is a goldmine of great advice. i think you are doing and have been doing a great job reuniting with your child, while still being aware of the needs and perspectives of those around you. how on earth you are doing it so well i can't fathom, but just wanted to give you a pat on the back for it... best of luck, i'll be following your story

Hi there, I guess I am doing well "overall". I was reading a post the other day (I can't find it again!) about how frustrating adoptees are when bmom wants no contact and I just don't understand. I guess it comes from my situation as well. IMO I "owe" bson at least brief contact, regardless of how hard it is on me (and it was mind-blowing, and still is 2 years + facing the past). Perhaps that's why I think "less' of hubby/bdad - as Cher said to Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck "Snap out of it". Easier said than done I know but my goodness other's feelings are at stake so I will force myself to put myself second to him. It's other people's prejudices and mean spiritedness that holds us back and keeps us from dealin gwith the hard issues. I know hubby is concerned about his parents/family - if they were no longer alive he may act differently. I'm not willing to wait. Hugs to all Kate

hey keds...just wondering how it is all going for you. I think us mums are alaways putting ourselves second...or third...or fourth!!! I am really trying to learn to put myself first every now and then for a change. It's hard, but am having a few small successes...and it feels good! Hope all is going ok. Susie:love:

I know that putting a child up for adoption is very taxing emotionally and even physically. However, saying you love one child more than another....that just doesn't seem fair to any of the children. I have personal experiences from both angles. I gave my son up for adoption and then gave birth to a girl 5 years later. I was in a position to keep my daughter......but I love her no less just b/c I was able to keep her. In the same token, I do not love my son more or less b/c I had to give him up. There are many things I will not get to experience with my son....therefore, the memories with my daughter are held much closer, simply b/c I know what I am missing with my son. One child can never take the place of another, but each child deserves their rightful place among our heart. I think if the children you raised are feeling somewhat unappreciated and betrayed....I can understand their plight. My bmom had custody of me until the age of 3 or 6....there is some discrepancy on the exact age. The point is though.....I went eleven years of absolutely no contact with her. She had never been apart of my life growing up....so it was a reunion, only I was raised by my Dad and not adopted out. I recently looked for my bmom and found her. She is raising two boys...both younger than me. She makes references to how special I am to her b/c she wasn't around when I was growing up and I was always her favorite. You would think, since I am getting the good end of the stick, that I would be happy. I am not though.....I guess being a mother and a daughter....I can see both sides. I can only imagine how my half brothers must feel when my bmom makes comments like those. If I were to put myself into my half brother's shoes....I guess I would feel like, "Hey....I'm the one who's been here. I'm the one that has been punished for doing dumb stuff and made you laugh at silly things." I don't know all the details....but I do know what it's like on both sides of the fence. I'm not so sure that jealousy is a good word to describe your husband though....maybe he feels a part of you abandoned your family for your son. Have you gave your raised children the opportunity to talk openly about their feelings? This is happening to the whole family. I am not trying to condescend anyone.....hopefully my experiences can help others with a little insight into whatever they may be dealing with.

OFB, thanks for your input. My raised kids and I have a great relationship and, as I tried to clarify, a different love and "more" in the sense that I wasn't able to share. Semantics for some but we all understand and that's what is important. My raised kids and I are totally honest with each other and, talk openly and sometimes endlessly about everything (others have commented on how we "share" too much). I think if everyone thinks back to their own childhood, they always felt that their siblings were mom/dad's "favourite". Both my raised daughters never thought that of me (dad did have a favourite daughter) but they both realized that a part of me was "off limits". They have both commented that they knew I loved them too much but I was not happy. Since bson contacted us they realize it wasn't a shortage of my love for them but a protection of my heart - if anything, reunion has made our relationship stronger. They both know now that my love is unwavering and I am always here for them - as evidenced by some unfortunate events this past summer. My mother in law (who isn't my biggests fan) did tell me that I am very much like a grizzly bear, I have and will protect my children against anyone and anything that might hurt theml, including myself. Both they and I have talked about my "soft spot" for bson. I know it is difficult for others but WE understand. They both TOLD me that they know I love them each differently, for different reasons and, as they often say, I would choose any of them over my happiness in a split second, but none over the others. We're all safe in our love for each other but bdad isn't and, as I have realized from talking to them and others, that is HIS issue to deal with, not ours. No abandonment issues here (I've beaten that horse to death) but rather, we are all open, honest and ready to share - us girls recognize that he just can't, his loss, but he's still a huge part of our lives, as is our bson/brother. I use that term because he is our bson but their brother! Our choice at the time, not theirs. Susie - thank you, we're at a bit of a roadblock - bson is holding back a bit because bdad won't commit, but, bsiblings and I are "all in" so we're moving forward at a snail's pace (which is probably best). No matter how open we are it must be SO difficult to think bdad is rejecting him when nothing is further from the truth. Bdad would love to have him in his life but, he"s from the closed era, amd he is having a really hard time coming to grips with it all. I have been with bdad for almost 30 years and I know he will eventually make a decision (part of the problem, either you're in or out) and then we can all move on to the next stage. Disappointing for all but at least it's "final". I should clarify, bdad is not jealous of our relationship with bson but rather jealous of the fact that we can put ourselves "on the back burner" and put our hearts out there for rejection - he just can't. Understandable but that much harder, for him, not us. Thanks to all for your input. I don't know how I would get through this without all of you!

Keds, Thank you so much for your reply. I absolutely was not trying to put you on the defensive. I completely appreciate the complexity of your current situation. I am really glad to hear that you did talk to your children in length about everything at the beginning. My bmom, after eleven years of absence, welcomed me back into her life with open arms. However, she gets very defensive when I ask her questions sometimes. I believe them to be normal questions. However, I think her defensiveness comes from her guilt and feelings of inadequacy from my childhood. Do you think this is part of your husbands draw backs? Maybe he isn't ready to be faced with admitting and dealing with the past? I sincerely hope the relationship between you and your bson continue to flourish. I can understand how your husband's reservations are impacting your relationship with him and your bson. Of course, you and I both know there isn't much you can make your husband do or feel. Honesty is always the best policy, which seems to be what you have been living by. I think as long as you continue on the path you have taken things will work out. I'm sure these are all things you have already talked, or at least, thought about. I wish there were better advice out there for people like us. It seems like matters of the heart tend to defy logic sometimes. I hope my bson is as receptive to me as yours was to you. I truly wish you the best and congratulate you on your reunion. I hope to see, in future posts, transformations surrounding your husband. Hang in there....it always get better!

off the beaten path - you hit the nail on the head - he does not want to face the past - ostrich syndrome. I am a little defensive, sorry, but it comes from years of being "talked down to". Thanks for the kind words and all the best!

No matter what you say when you're not ready to commit and your partner wants to continue, he or she will be hurt. No getting around that. The challenge is how to get your message across humanely without sugar-coating the truth, using platitudes or stringing them along.