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At the age of 35 I found out that I am adopted. Only after becoming curious for the first time in my life. It was the most heartbreaking experience I have ever encountered. A year later my AM died from cancer. My AM & AF were never going to tell me. For selfish reasons of course. I am quoting my AF here, "You were mine", "I didn't think of you as adopted." Such crap!!!! Adults can be sooooooo id. oriented
Now before I knew I was adopted I had an experience that really does not help me understand the Adoptive parents side. I have guardianship of three of my adoptive family members. One of these children had no idea who his BF was. His mother nor anyone else would tell him, sooooooooo I had to tell a 13 year old boy who his BF was. Yes, it was devastating for both of us, of course for him more than me, but I did it "because he had a right to know and it was the right thing to do, period." That was three years before I found out about my adoption. So I can't wrap my head around this selfishness that people seem to have.
I started my search for my BP six months after I found out. It took a little over a year for Child & Family Services to locate them. Once they were located my birth mother gave medical info, but explicitly said that she did not want contact.
Now let me tell you about my birthparents and how I came to be.
My birthmom is caucasiun was 27 @ the time of my birth My BF is black was 37 @ the time of my birth. She was single, he was married. So she had me and gave me up for adoption.This was 1970.
1973 they married each other.
8 months after my birthmom initially said NO Contact, she and my BF changed their mind. They contacted the social worker, gave her their contact info and asked to pass it on to me. The social worker emailed me. I called her and thus that was the beginning of our reunion.
Well it is 4 months later and now they have decided that they no longer want any communication. Why you might ask? In my opinion, it hurts to much for them, to realize and face their own demons.
They wanted to know me without my past.Meaning- I guess they wanted to believe that the stork raised me, I didn't have a family and friends, and a life. A pretty good life @ that. That is impossible, and I said so, sooooo they have written me two really mean, hurtful, letters in the past week. They no longer want contact, I'm quoting them "we are only the DNA that made you." "Things that seemed important before are no longer important." "There will be no more personal information forth coming." And those are the nice parts. They attacked my Adoptive parents, family and my husband. Oh.... and then @ the end they had the nerve to say they were sorry for any pain they caused me in the past for months.
You mighfeel my hurt and anger through this email, I am devasted @ their actions. Its been 38 years and they still don't get it.
By the way, the two of them are educated: Penn State (birthmom)and the Warden Schoool of business.(BF) Intelligence doesn't equate common sense.
I do not believe this is the end, but I don't know. I will finish this later.
Thanks for allowing me to vent.
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I can only imagine how difficult it must be the betrayel and anger must be overwhelming. Especially when the whole world knows but the person directly impacted the most is not trusted to know. People have no idea what the implications are to the one adopted. I am an adoptee who as alwys known but I can feel your anger. There is another whole class of peole that will be going through the same thing in years to come. The donar concieved. I was on a forum at onetime and got inti it with a mother that had her chikd by egg donation and had no intention of telling the child. Whhy? Because it would have made her feel less of a mother. there iwas in articule in the Boston Globe a while back that told the story of a couple of parents that had thier children through donar eggs and sperm and again were not going to tell the child. I was appalled. I was told that I just didn't understand how it was for them and really it was no ones business how they had their family....so then the person concieved doesn't need to know about their own physicality???? The self absorbation of people can be astonding. People really are cruel.
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Tip70 your feelings are justified and please know that many people are praying for you and your family. Your story is one great example of why adoption should never be hidden from our children. My husband and his sister were adopted (as are our children) and his parents were always open and honest. I have never met a closer and more "normal" family--I hope we can be that kind of example to our children as we raise them to know they are adopted. Wishing you all the best Tip70! Blessings.
MamaS
White Elephant:
No, my reply was not supposed to make you feel "better" about this experience. I cannot begin to imagine how devastating it might feel to discover at a late age that everything you thought was true wasn't.
It was meant to explain that the lies might not have been out of "selfishness" on the part of your adoptive parents, but because they relied on "experts" who said -- 'match the children and parents physically, send them home to be a normal family'. We know now that it isn't that easy - when the lie is exposed it is devastating. But we used to obey experts who said "put babies to sleep on their tummies" and now we know that can cause SIDS.
My point is that most people just do what they think is right. In the 70's it was "ignore it and it will go away".
When that didn't work it was "tell the adopted child that they are special because they were chosen". Now it is "tell the truth from the beginning". Maybe understanding the "expert advice of the time" would help you to forgive your adoptive parents for not telling you the truth.
Tazer,
The Birth Mother sounds aa if she needs lots of couch time(a therapist, psychiatrist etc..) and medication. I do hope that your daughter can and will pick and choose what is healthy for her. Obviously medical history is important. Does your daughter have a clear understanding of that yet?
TJP70
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I would like to say that i know how you feel about your adopted mom and adopted dad keeping your adoption a secret, but i do believe that they wanted to spare you the hurt and pain of what you have been going through after meeting your biological parents, believe it or not sometime as parents they know about situations that we don't. How do i know, because i had high expectations of what my birth mom would be like, it was dissappointing after findind her, she denied that she was my mom but i have proof that she is, and my adoptive mom knew about her life history which wasn't great and also her bad temper, and she only tried to spare me from the pain, i was angry at my adoptive mom at first because she kept my adoption from me until i was much older, but now i realized that she was only trying to spare me alot of pain, she loved me that much to think about my feelings first ,and she took the blame from me just to protect me from the truth, and i felt silly after my birth mom turned out to be such a dissappointment. I will always respect my adoptive mom for that. To forgive is the beginning of healing!
delly,
I do have some understanding and forgiveness concerning my adoptive parents. However; no one, no one, has the right to never tell another human of their existance. I was 35 and I found out by accident. My adoptive father was going to his grave with this as my adoptive mother as very ill at the time. Soooooo my anger is about "never" being told.
My birth parents are married to each other, retired, very successful people. Stll crazy though!!!
Thank you for your support.
TJP,I was wondering about how you would feel that your birth parents are married. Mine are not. Thankfully father had more sense not to marry her since the two of them had changed so much after he got back from Viet Nam. How does it make you feel to know they are married?Big hugs dear, it does get better or at least smoother around the edges over time. I can't say that that anger goes away completely, but it does diminish over time. Have I forgiven my amom? Not a snowball's chance in $&%#! I realize forgiving is not forgetting, but it is still too fresh. Maybe by the time she passes I may be able to let go. Sorry I have not been around... I am in my clinical classes right now and they have been running me ragged. (Medical assisting student) 2 more plus externship after this set. (Not soon enough!)
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a big wow TJ and white elephant for your stories!! Every adoptee I know was in the "always knew" camp. I can't even imagine!!! So freakin' irresponsible on so many levels! Medically, emotionally, ethically....
My amom always told me that I was french and irish (her family is 100% irish). Turns out she didn't really know and made it up. She was close as I am German and Irish but still! why lie? Doesn't compare to your stories...
I'm really sorry. ((((HUGS))))
I don't understand why so many adoptive parents in past generations thought lying was the best way. My adoptive parents also lied despite that I don't even look like the same race as them, and my biological parents in no way could possibly replace them since my mother is severely retarded and my biological father was a care giver that had raped her. I think in my case they believed they were sparing me the truth, but it completely devastated my relationship with them. My adoptive father has dementia now but my adoptive mother and I know longer have contact. I only found out last December because I live in an open adoption state and ordered my preadoption birth record. Why adoptive parents lie is beyond me, by raising a child from birth you should form a strong enough bond and love for them to not feel threatened by birth parents but I think some do. I can't even imagine how I would feel if my conception were normal and my parents were married. All I can guess is that there were extenuating circumstances and they knew you would get a better life if they put you up for adoption. Good luck and take care, you're not alone in the being lied to.
hugs,
Amanda
delly and others, I must say I am sorry that the truth is not what you were raised with. I am a firstmom, and I would be devastated to find out my twin sons did not know of their origins. I relinquished 22 yrs ago, twin sons, and only got the chance to write 1 letter. In my letter I made sure to tell their parents that the ONLY reason I was relinquishing was MONEY , LACK OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PROVIDE. I asked only 1 thing from them,.. that each day they would give the boys a kiss from me and tell them after each kiss how much I loved them. Was this done...I do not know. I do know this...EVERY child has the right to know WHO they are, and deserve nothing LESS than honesty and truth from their parents...PERIOD..NO ,IF ,AND OR BUTS! :flower:
To Everyone who has been reading and offering support aong with questions. I must tell youit has been almost three months since I last spoke or received written communication from my birth parents. Everyday I run to the mail box in hopes of a letter. I open my email hoping it will be something from one of them. No such luck as of yet. I continue to have hope though.
Someone asked how did I feel about my birth parents being together (married.) Somedays its painful, I say to myself, how can they be together for all of these years even before my birth and not want me?? How can they have had such a wonderful, sucessful, life and not want me. I then think, maybe I was "just an accident." They or (she) did not want kids, she got pregnant, chose not to abort but have the child, and it was devasting becuse it was something not to be forgotten, and she wanted to forget because SHE DID NOT WANT CHILDREN period!!!
Thanks again everyone. I will continue to post because it is so very helpful
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No one would not tell someone they're adopted until age 35. Tell the kid, then leave it up to them if they want to know who had them. That's terrible that you lost your real/adoptive mom, then these people were such jerks to you. They gave you up, then found you, then don't want contact-- I don't understand that. Why didn't they just not seek out contact to begin with? Either they are needlessly cruel, or realize that your life was and is better without them. Maybe they're jealous.
You know i read all these stories from people who were not told or told very late in life and i recognise the anger, frustration and bewilderment felt by you all but even though i found out early i did not deal with it until i was 39. My Bmom rejected me again when i found her and has never spoken to me or written anything, just last year she told my sister who my father was, that only took 20 years to come out after i found her.
Despite all this my dearest wish would be to put my arms around her and tell her i still love her and that all the rest is just "life".
PS she's 88 now and i'm 63, that's one hell of a long time to bear a grudge against someone who only did what they though was best, even if they were wrong.
We can all wish things were different but don't sour your life with resentment, you only get one go at this you know.
Best wishes to you all this festive season from the UK