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It's been 16 years since I placed my DD for adoption, and for the most part I've been very positive about it. DD is an amazing girl, beautiful and successful and smart. Her family is very loving towards her, I know she is the world to them as they are to her. The adoption is semi-open right now, so I get pics and letters through her mom, who has always said how important I am to her, and how she will support reunion one day when DD is ready for it. As far as situations go, I think I'm pretty blessed. But as most of you that follow my story have seen, it hasn't been easy. There has been a lot of insecurity and emotion on both sides since we started reconnecting a few years ago. I stuffed a lot of my feelings down for so many years that they came flying out. Plus, the task of reconnecting and rebuilding a relationship was harder than I thought. There were a lot of promises that weren't kept on a-moms side, promises that might seem small, but to me meant the world. Things like phone calls that were set up never materialized, responses to e-mails took months, if ever, and my DD was never told that I had resurfaced until she came upon the info herself. Add that all together, it's a lot to process. And there are times when emotions got the better of me. Never once did I regret what I had done, because I've always said that I made the best decision I could at the time, I didn't have the forsight to know that I could have parented or I should have been more educated about my options. I feel I can't get up in arms about things I'll never change. I would never ask my DD to pick loyalties, and I have nothing but respect for her family. I have never shared my pain with her, as I don't feel it's appropriate. I have been honest, but always loving and respectful. All I asked was for the same respect in return. The basic human kind. I took my feelings and wrote them out on my blog. They weren't always pretty, but I believe that in order to get clarity, sometimes you have to go through the dark messy stuff. I don't even think my stuff was that dark and messy, but I did get a few comments and e-mails for adoptive moms telling me that my "pain" scared them, and wondered if I was "unstable". I was pretty much floored. I dismissed it as just mean blogworld-type behavior, until I noticed more and more adoptive parents expressing similar sentiments. I mean, forget the fact that some people don't like messy feelings, how did I end up unstable? Because I was upset that I had waited by the phone for a phone call that never came? Because I asked questions and were promised answers that I never got? I thought that was pretty staus quo behavior. Threatening harm, yeah, that's unstable. Projecting that pain in a negative way or towards the adoptive family, no that's not good either. Expressing hurt and disappointment in a constructive and appropriate manner? I think that's human. What I'm wondering, and I'm going to throw this out there, is what adoptive parents think of birthmother pain (and I'm talking beyond the finalization) Is it something to be feared? Why? Have any other birthmoms felt the same way? I personally feel that pain that stems from loss is something that never goes away or heals, you just learn to incorporate it into your life, learn to live with it, and deal with it when it flares up. I always thought it was a really healthy way to deal with my feelings. I was surprised to learn that there are some people out there that think that a birthmother's pain has an expiration date, that after a certain amount of time it's considered unhealthy. I guess that's a sore spot of mine, since that line of thinking helped me to walk away from my open adoption 14 years ago. Any thoughts?
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I am an adoptee, but also a mother. I have considered why people sometimes seem to fear a birth mother's grief, or even her mere presence. I think this fear comes from a knowledge of human nature...great is a mother's love, and the grief associated with the loss of the mothering role can be a powerful thing. People fear how this grief might affect them...it makes them uncomfortable, they feel threatened. Sometimes people want things in a neat, tidy package that is not always possible.
DISCLAIMER: This random thought is not meant to be all encompassing. Some mothers do not act in great love. But most mothers have a great love for their children, and I mean all mothers...amoms, bmoms, and this mom!
Please forgive me if this is not stated the most graciously. I truly just share my own thoughts as I consider what it means to be a mother as I have journeyed through my reunion.
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Blessed, I get what you are saying and I think it makes sense. I see that with my friends who have bio children as well, when I talk about my DD, what makes them uncomfortable, because I think they look at me and feel empathetic as a mom, and how they would feel if they had to place their child or live without them. I can understand that a mother would feel that way, no matter what "part" of the triad that you are on (did THAT make sense? LOL!) Sometimes I think it's a double edged sword, I think at times that people expect me to be in visible pain 24/7, because how could a mother living without their child NOT be? I don't want to come off as being too blase at times, because it does hurt and it does exist, but it also is part of adoption, and adoption is just ONE aspect of my life, not the whole thing. But on the flip side, when I do have my off days, I've been judged as "unstable" and "trainwrecky", merely because I'm not "putting on a happy face" So I'm darned if I do, darned if I don't, KWIM? I also think a lot of my pain in particular is situational. I'm not feeling it right now because things are copacetic, and I think things are on a positive swing. But when promises are broken, I feel pain, not about adoption in general, but relationship pain, the same kind of pain I would be in if say, a friend let me down, because in my mind that's what it is, but times 10 because of the emotional investment. If promises weren't broken there would be less pain. I see that theme a lot in adoption from that perspective on all sides of the triad. But I noticed that some want to lump that in and make it adoption pain in general. And it's not. It surprises me when I see that there are people who would expect that not to upset me, or can't see it for what it is, me being upset because of a broken promise, not because I placed my daughter. I do not discuss my pain with DD's a-mom. I have never portrayed anything but the positive side to her. But a few months ago, I had written to her, and for whatever reason, she picked up a component of pain in my e-mail. That put her on the defensive, and I was sort of blindsided, since I couldn't figure out what I had said to give her that impression. In the subsequent e-mails that followed, I leveled with her. I wasn't brutally honest, but I was straightfoward with her that there is pain involved, because like Belle pointed out, I don't want her to think that I'm completely unaffected by it, but that pain does NOT equal regret, that it is just par for the course, and I choose to life my life not to focus on it. I never would have brought that up or put that on her, nor do I think she should be a sounding board, nor do I feel comfortable expressing it in specifics. Yet I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist if the subject is on the table either. She appreciated the honesty, and I think the whole situation helped create a better understanding of where we both were coming from. I do agree that some people don't want to see that side of adoption (or the messy side of anything, for that matter!) but like a lot of us say, it's not a one size fits all scenario, and it drives me BATTY when people want to make it something it's not, or something that applies to everyone! I do also acknowledge that it can't be easy for DD's a-mom all the time too, and I do my best to be super sensitive to that as well. I agree with Belle that a little compassion on all sides go a long way. (((HUGS))) to you Holly :) I'm still here!
Ok here's some Amom honesty: For a long time I was scared of E's birth mother's pain. She was very happy during the pregnancy and I was afraid to be excited about the baby and the first night in the hospital he stayed with her and I was still scared to get excited but when I was handed the baby (can't imagine exactly how that happened) it was the biggest, happiest moment of my life and I haven't had a good five or six years ...so I'm fighting all these feelings: jealousy, confusion, intense joy, fear and yeah she was a huge support to ME during the pregnancy but then she was crumbling and I had this little tiny baby so far from home and maybe I needed her to be more on board at the time. Wanted to feel like we were doing this "together" when the reality hit me like cold water in the face. I was the winner, she was the loser.The pain is so bright, so dark, so much worse than all the other kinds of emotional pain we feel it was too much. And it rained on my parade. Really rained. Couldn't bond, couldn't relax, baby snatcher guilt all that and everyone saying "just be happy" huh?How can I just be "happy" when someone I was so close to was probably close to emotional death? For me her pain was such that I would not allow myself to enjoy my son. We were and are very close friends (well as close as we can be) so there was no way I couldn't hear the changes in her. And yeah I'd come on a.com and read what it feels like and first of all even if I wasn't raising her baby and she was a friend it's just so dang intense, I'm not sure I could even begin to fathom what it would take to help her.And I couldn't look at her pain and at the same time look down at the baby and smile and I waited so long to be a mother and I just couldn't smile.Thank goodness things are much better now. I know she was mad at me for not calling (only emailing) on mothers day but we got through it. I know when she's having a bad day. It's not usually just about E but a bunch of stuff. Things are better now but yeah it scared the daylights out of me. I hung tough though, didn't run away.It's like you know when you see something scary on TV and you are afraid to even change the channel? That's what I felt like. It was awful. I hope this post wasn't "too much" sorry. Just my deep down real deal truth.Edited to add: maybe the fear stems from the fact that the pain interferes with our ability, on some primal level, to step in and be "the mom" without carrying the baby ourselves. (that either made a lot of sense or no sense....) like we have to reserve our strength or something?
Browneyes I hope you understand that I don't think it's RIGHT to fear her pain. Just that I did. I really do try to incorporate the WHOLE picture and even with the pain it's an overall positive picture.
I have read your OP over and over and I really do hear what you are saying. It sounds like maybe you two are close and you want to communicate your feelings to her so she can understand you better but you think you'll freak her out if you do?
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I do understand Storm. And to be honest, you can't help how you feel. I fully expect there to be some sort of fear on both sides, it's an emotional topic and we are all human :) My OP doesn't even stem from things in my personal situation between my daughter's mom and I. I think when the topic ended up on the table we both handled it well, and I don't see the need to go there unless something else should happen where it comes up. She and I are cool :) Where I was coming from was based on things I've read, here and elsewhere, where there have been comments made in regards to either being surprised that a birthmom has pain, especially beyond "x" amount of time, or where a birthmom is considered scary or unstable if she expresses pain (within the realm of healthy and not towards a-parents specifically, just in general) especilly within the context of it affecting the decision to adopt. I was wondering what the consesus was on that, because it was on my mind :)
I went to great lenths to hide my pain from amom and D. I wrote to D's mom every couple of months after I got back in touch with them. I mentioned the grief I was dealing with but in a way that she knew I was dealing with it. I held a lot back. I knew when I contacted my daughter I'd have to play it down even more. At the time of first contact I was so stressed out from the excitement and the anticipation along with all that repressed emotion, when amom said something rude to me once I totally went off on the poor unsuspecting lady. D was like "what the heck is wrong with you?" It just erupted out of no where I promise. Talk about your "unstable"! We spent the next 1/2 dozen correspondances apologizing to each other. I suppose there is some danger in holding back too much. Most of the women I have met here are ordinary women dealing with extrordinary circumstances as there is no pain worse than the loss of a child. We should all have compassion and respect for where each other is coming from even if our circumstances prevent us from totally identifying. We could express our thoughts and feelings without making judgments on someone's character. Who the heck is that person to make an assessment of whether someone is "unstable". Were they just trying to be nasty on purpose just to get a reaction? I know Brown and I'm a pretty good judge of "unstable" due to my profession and Brown definately isn't that. I do think its a good idea to let aparents know that you are dealing with issues so they can be aware of possible 'land mines" in the road to reunion.We aren't baby making machines, we are human after all.
What I'm wondering, and I'm going to throw this out there, is what adoptive parents think of birthmother pain (and I'm talking beyond the finalization) Is it something to be feared? Why? Have any other birthmoms felt the same way?I personally feel that pain that stems from loss is something that never goes away or heals, you just learn to incorporate it into your life, learn to live with it, and deal with it when it flares up. I always thought it was a really healthy way to deal with my feelings. I was surprised to learn that there are some people out there that think that a birthmother's pain has an expiration date, that after a certain amount of time it's considered unhealthy. I guess that's a sore spot of mine, since that line of thinking helped me to walk away from my open adoption 14 years ago.
The thought of birthparent pain has never brought about any jealousy or insecurities in me but I will admit it is the hardest facet of OA for me to, for lack of a better word, deal with. Like most of the birth mom's on here, K (DD's birth mom) has never even hinted that she is experiencing any grief...of course, common sense tells me she is at least to some degree. To be honest I kind of wish she would open up to me about it. In my head it's like this elephant in the room during visits. I want to be sensitive to her feelings but I never know what she is feeling. Of course, I could just ask her how she is feeling, right? But part of me also feels like it's not my business and I'm afraid that if I just flat out ask her how she is feeling/doing regarding everything it might make her uncomfortable. Maybe it's something she doesn't want to share with me, or maybe she's holding back thinking it's not something she is supposed to share with me. I don't know and I don't know how to break the ice with this subject.
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Honestly, I just don't understand how anyone would expect that the experience of being a birth mother would not be extremely painful. I don't understand how pain from having a sick child or losing a child to death, or custody decisions, or anything else is generally met with great compassion and sympathy, but the pain of being separated from your child by adoption, even if it's through your own choice, is supposed to be met with either stoicism or joy? Personally, it makes no sense to me. I'm not really referring to anyone on the site as much as I am people in my own life with whom I've discussed the topic. My sister has many times made the whole "moving on" comment and I've personally been flabbergasted...would she like that said to her if she was separated from one of her beloved children? Is the love of a mother any less for a legal transfer of rights having taken place? I cannot for some reason, in any way get my sister to relate the love she feels for her own kids and the pain she would feel from a separation to what a mother who even gets only a few hours or days with their child would feel and continue to feel. It's like it doesn't compute. My mother is less afraid of the concept of birth mother pain. I know my mom knows she and my dad could easily have conceived before they were married, and if she had felt it was necessary to place and the baby had been my sister or I (for the sake of relating it to real rather than imaginary feelings), could she have just merrily gone along her way without lasting grief? When I asked her that, her eyes filled with tears, so I know she "got it." Now I don't think that pain should ever be dumped on the child, or that the child should be expected to heal that by their words or actions (echoing kakuehl's word's here). But I do think there should be some compassion and understanding from the afamily- especially as they should understand loving their child and should be able to project how much it would hurt to be separated from them. Begrudging someone the expression of it on a neutral anonymous forum? That doesn't even compute for me. Frankly, I'd wonder about the stability of a woman who did not feel pain or grief from being separated from their child. Can't even fathom questioning someone's stability for feeling and expressing the most natural and normal thing for a woman to feel.
It's funny you said that part about stoicism H because that's one of the two things that I got praised for right after Cupcake was born.
The first thing the SW noted was that my body snapped back crazy fast - which was ironically another thing that I grieved. All of a sudden I really really missed the physical marker or what had taken place (even though I didn't get that big in the first place).
The second thing was that I handled it so well and was so strong. Or in reality I was numb and in quasi denial. Without my body reminding me what happened or people in my life talking about what happened (which of course they didn't because they didn't know) I could fall into full on denial mode when I needed to be.
The praise that I received for seeming so "put together" was an indication to me that this was how I SHOULD behave. I was told Cupcake's Mom would be glad to hear how good I was adjusting and it was more than implied that the more adjusted I appeared the sooner Cupcake's Mom would be comfortable sending updates or even scheduling a visit. I was conditioned by the SW to not show any grief.
So now that I'm working through it and being okay with processing my grief through talking (writing) about it I get the unstable stuff...sometimes it just truly feels like a no win situation.
thanksgivingmom
It's funny you said that part about stoicism H because that's one of the two things that I got praised for right after Cupcake was born.
The second thing was that I handled it so well and was so strong. Or in reality I was numb and in quasi denial. Without my body reminding me what happened or people in my life talking about what happened (which of course they didn't because they didn't know) I could fall into full on denial mode when I needed to be.
The praise that I received for seeming so "put together" was an indication to me that this was how I SHOULD behave. I was told Cupcake's Mom would be glad to hear how good I was adjusting and it was more than implied that the more adjusted I appeared the sooner Cupcake's Mom would be comfortable sending updates or even scheduling a visit. I was conditioned by the SW to not show any grief.
So now that I'm working through it and being okay with processing my grief through talking (writing) about it I get the unstable stuff...sometimes it just truly feels like a no win situation.
[ How can I just be "happy" when someone I was so close to was probably close to emotional death? For me her pain was such that I would not allow myself to enjoy my son. We were and are very close friends (well as close as we can be) so there was no way I couldn't hear the changes in her. And yeah I'd come on a.com and read what it feels like and first of all even if I wasn't raising her baby and she was a friend it's just so dang intense, I'm not sure I could even begin to fathom what it would take to help her. And I couldn't look at her pain and at the same time look down at the baby and smile and I waited so long to be a mother and I just couldn't smile.
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Holly I agree ...and that's loving. Our babies need their caregivers to be emotionally predictable. However, I'm proud to say that I'm not afraid of this stuff now.
All that heart thumping fear has died down now and I can be a better friend to her AND be a pretty good mom I think :)
E's birth mother always knew how I felt though. At least she knew I knew her feelings were valid even though I wasn't exactly a support system at the time.
I'm a birthmom from the closed days so there's no way S had to deal with my pain! I need to share, however, that one of the positives in my life at the time was that D was with parents who would rejoice in him and love him. That eased my heart. It would have added to my burden of grief to know that I couldn't enjoy parentinf because of my loss. My heart aches for you, Stormster! I do appreciate the empathy, but I'm sure your child's birth mom didn't intend you to feel guilty (at least I hope not!) TGM, I agree it's a no-win situation for us. If we don't express our pain, we are unfeeling. If we do, we're unstable and should get over it and get on with our lives. I don't remember comments from the nurses at the time. I do remember conversations with my roommate (she had given birth to a 9 lb football player, lol, and had lots of visitors - sigh). She was sympathetic and gave me the opportunity to express my feelings. I was, of course, not supposed to see D because that would "make it harder." My father was concerned when Mom and I went to the nursery to see him. (He trailed along and his only comment was that D was janudiced.) Heidi, I appreciate the comment that you would be concerned about a birthparent who didn't express grief. Even though it seems excessive, women who have placed a child need to grieve in order to heal.