Unexpected anger- any advice?

Hi, I'm an Aparent but also a woman who is very sensitive to gender preference. I don't know why but it makes me super uncomfortable! My first instinct when reading your post was that you were in a way lucky if her decision WAS based on something so cut and dry (less complicated/nothing to do with "you" kwim?) but then I thought that maybe the gender issue is helping you access some anger that was buried there anyway. If you don't want to cause any trouble and feel a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of your anger why don't you write her a letter asking her if she placed you and your female sibs because of your gender?The worst answer you will get is Yes (which you are thinking now anyway). But you may also get an explanation that helps you forgive it. For instance there are people who don't place boys because they carry the family name. There are others that don't place boys because they live in places where there is a lot of physical labor. And I know many people think girls are stronger, more able to survive and others who think the opposite. Even though I think all these reasons are ridiculous I have to say that none of them are BAD in so much as they are "rational" or coming from a loving place.Whatever the reason, I hope you feel it, move through it and forgive her because that will be the best thing for you ...I"m sorry if this sounded preachy. I just read your post and got a rush of wanting to protect you! I grew up in a house with a huge amount of gender bias and it bothers me to no end! So I do get it.

Reunion does bring about unexpected emotions. That's just a given. I'm not yet in reunion but have already experienced strong emotions merely contemplating it! It is helpful if you can get some counseling around this, but also know that these emotions do pass. Allow yourself to feel them, but if possible, don't make any big decisions about your relationship with bmom while in the midst of strong emotions. Sometimes it's only a matter of a day or two when those emotions settle, and you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed. I believe a lot of the more "negative" emotions, like anger & anxiety, are rooted in fear. Finding out this bit of info you were not aware of is shocking, but I wonder if it also has to do with fear around meeting her and that fear is coming up as anger. I would examine this a bit because perhaps in fear you are looking for something (subconsciously) to find "wrong" so that you can hold off meeting. And that's fine, if you need to take a step back, but it's helpful to examine where the feelings are coming from. I agree that it would be helpful if you had a reason why your mom only placed her girls. It still may not be acceptable to you (and I would have a hard time with this, too, because I just don't understand gender preference), but maybe she had valid reasons (in her thinking at that time) for doing so, that could help you come to terms with it. I can remember in a moment of extreme anxiety wanting to shut the door completely on any communication at all (I'm in semi-open) and just forget about all things adoption related. After a few days, things settled down and I realized it was the anxiety talking and fear was behind it. In reality, I do not, and did not, want to shut the door. I just needed time to process some things that were completely overwhelming to me at the time. Perhaps in your case, with the possibility of contact on the horizon, in addition to this new knowledge, you are being stirred up by this all the more. I think it could be an indication that you need to examine things further, maybe slow down and process your feelings more, and get on solid footing before taking the next step. Remember "this too shall pass." Sometimes just repeating that phrase helps!

Hi Layfayette...I'm a B-mom in reunion with my daughter for the past 3 years and while I certainly can't speak for your mother I just want to share my thoughts with you. IMO the first rule of reunion should be MAKE NO ASSUMPTIONS. One of the first mistakes I made in attempting to contact my daughter was assuming she knew she was adopted when she didn't. I even put off initiating contact for months after she became of legal age b/c having left my info at the agency I assumed that if she wanted contact she could and would have by then. Even though you have come to the realization that she only placed the females, IMO you need to ask and allow her to explain why this was the case. As awful as it sounds maybe there was a reason that prevented her from safely raising females; were there abuse issues etc aimed only at females? Don't assume she didn't raise you simply b/c you are female, since that alone isn't rational. At least get an explanation. I hear your anger and in time it might be totally justified, I just want to suggest that you wait before you make l decisions based on your feelings. If you end contact now, BEFORE YOU KNOW THE TRUTH you may never get the answers you seek and your anger and depression will just fester and grow. I have met my daughter and I am currently trying to figure out if I should hang on or let go but all of my reasons are based realities. I have been on a fact-gathering mission with her from day one, and it continues. While I don't know if she and I will remain in reunion I am still much better off had we never entered into reunion. Take care of yourself...Tracy

If that's genuinely why you were given up for adoption (sexism) then I would have nothing to do with the psycho. Who cares how she might take it, have some dignity and politely tell her where she can put it.

Sometimes the choice isn't all theirs. I knew a family where the woman surrendered two girls, kept a boy, surrendered another girl, and kept a second boy. It was not lack of love, but lack of financial support. The father of the children (not her husband, but a permanent relationship) said he would only stay with her if she gave him sons. He would not pay anything for girls. She placed her daughters with family members so she could know they were okay, but He did not permit her to visit them. So maybe she is not "psycho" as Aussie-Chris suggests. Maybe she was financially dependent and emotionally beaten down. You won't know until you ask.

And that's why I used the word "genuinely".

I personally think, that we can continue to guess, until we are old and sitting in our rocking chairs, for assumptions can eat us, until it becomes toxic. If you wish to stop being angry, I suggest you make up your mind to find out her reasoning of why this was done. Only she can tell you...depending on how badly you really want to meet her. Maybe this would be the first step, deciding, especially before becoming angry over something that may very well have a good explanation for. Regardless this was her choice, and either you will come to except, or you won't. I wish you peace in your journey, and finding what it is you seek...C.J.