Defiant 11 year old- not sure I can take it anymore!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I see that you are Therapeutic FP's. Maybe he needs to be in an RTC.

Wow, that does sound awful to live with day after day, when you're feeling tired. We sometimes have the same thing in our house but to a lesser degree. I agree with the positive discipline.... if you happen to see him doing something good or right, give him lots of praise, no matter how trivial. Some kids get so used to the negative attention, that it just becomes habit for them. Try to turn what he says around; whatever you can do to turn his negative into a positive, and maybe he will start taking steps in the right direction. Maybe he's already worried about the attention that the new baby will get. BTW there's a good book for kids who worry too much called What to do when you Worry too much, a children's guide to overcoming anxiety. Hope it all works out.

First, Congratulations on your pregnancy! We use a "token" system, and it is kind of based on 1, 2, 3 Magic. 1. I'd start with 1/2 hour rewards. Set a timer for 30 minutes. Explain the system to child. (If his behavior is REALLY TERRIBLE, try 15 minutes. You can gradually increase it). 2. Hands Heart Feet Mouth (this means, Hands-no touching anyone else or their stuff. Heart - no teasing, name calling, put downs or threats. Feet - stay where you belong, come when you're called. Mouth - no cursing or backtalk) 3. The child gets 3 chances in the 1/2 hour. Each behavior gets counted with - Joey, that's 1. Next infraction, Joey that's 2. Last infraction, Joey that's 3, NO token. Don't discuss the behavior when you "count" him. You know what it is, he knows what it is. Discussing it just pulls you into more conflict with him. If he "counts" back, that is back talk and should be counted. 4. If you have not counted to 3 before the timer goes off, he earns a token. (we use poker chips). Give him a hug at the same time he gets the token. Tell him what a good job he's been doing. Then reset the timer and you would start again with the counting. NOTE: If he doesn't earn the token, still give him a hug and tell him you know he can work hard to earn it next time. 5. The token buys treats that are LOCKED in a cabinet. We took a trip to the dollar store and bought $10 worth of items that we know our kids like...balloons, tattoos, candy (a token can buy two mini tootsie rolls or two smarties or one cookie or 10 gummy bears or 10 M&Ms). 6. If he earns half the tokens during the day, let him choose a bigger reward at the end of the day. It could be 15 minutes later bedtime, extra tv time, extra computer time, an extra snack, a board game with you, etc. Let him choose. If you want to try this system, pm me and I can give you more details.

How to react depends a lot on why he is so defiant. My daughter has oppositional defiance disorder, so I can totally relate to the defiance. I can't stop the defiance, but I try to set it up where it is in her best interest to comply. I try to make it her problem. Examples: If she is being mean or cussing at me, I make her go outside and do it. I can't stop her, but I tell her to cuss at the trees, they don't mind. If she pees on my clothes, she has to do some of my chores during the day because I now have to do extra work. If she breaks something, she has to do chores to earn money to replace it, and until she replaces it, she gets nothing costing money because she is in debt. Stealing is a tough one - I would remove anything valuable because that is tough one, so just remove the opportunity. Just my thoughts.

Sorry I have no help just wanted to say you are an amazing person. I could never deal with that kind of thing. Bless you for your strength..and congrats on the new baby on the way.

yeah...i don't have anything valuable at all. and they have nothing that can hide other things....no boxes, bags, etc. the rooms are basically bare, and when they want something to do - like read a book play a game, read a magazine, put together a puzzle, they must borrow and return it. things are not stored in their rooms....this is where i used to find all the best stuff. they have clothes in their rooms, not much more, and we "clean" their rooms together often. it sounds harsh...but sometimes kids who have trouble stealing and using objects for manipluation need the accountability in knowing that you are checking on them. it is also a good idea to not tempt these children. as much as i'd like to teach my child to not steal......i realized that first i had to remove the temptation. put your stuff away. get a safe. there is alot less stealing and fighting about stashed items now that there is nothing to take, and no where to put it. the same goes for backpacks to school. i got one of my children a 504 plan at school that allowed for an extra set of books at home. that meant there was no reason for a backpack. it is harder to sneak things out of the house when there is nothing to sneak it in. on to the more sensitive side of your problem....when my kids first moved in, not much younger than what you have now, one of them had the give away syndrome and they were friends with another foster child with the same issue. what i think i figured out was they felt so awful about themselves and thought people thought so poorly of them, that they were basically buying people's friendships. i'm not really sure how to solve this problem....but i know that as this child began to feel more confident in themselves, it happend with less frequency. one thing i did to foster the confidence was i really watched how they dressed. i saw what the other kids were wearing and really tried to provide similar clothing. it wasn't easy, but i think when they started to fit in on the outside, they worked on fitting in on the inside. i know the last thing i wanted to do was buy them more stuff....but it really did make a difference.