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My DH and I adopted our DD 3 months ago from foster care. DD is 8 years old. It quickly became evident that DD had attachment issues on the more severe end of the attachment spectrum. I have her seeing a psychiatrist and also a therapist who specializes in attachment issues. My DH and I struggle daily with how to get DD to complete basic tasks such as getting up and getting dressed to go to daycare or taking a bath in the evening. We try to make these tasks fun or make a game out of them to engage her but nothing works. I am open to any suggestions on how to engage her. DD can have"tantrums" that will last for hours and those can be very taxing on DH and myself. We also have DD younger brother who is four and is picking up on DD behaviors.
I guess maybe I am just frustrated today and reaching out as very few people I know can understand how draining it can be to live with a child with these issues.
Thanks for any advice.
2Newmom
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It's so tiring and frustrating in the early months. It's good that you have a therapist and psychiatrist in place for her. My younger son was almost eight when he came to live with me. He would rage for hours at bedtime and before going to school. In hindsight, I probably should have shortened his day at school, because the stress of him holding it together was really hard. As we began doing more attachment work, things started getting better with time.He was so afraid of being abandoned by, and if I asked him to do something he didn't want to do, he would fall apart. A couple of things worked: I gave him a transitional object--he wore a laminated photo of the two of us on a string around his neck to school so that he could also know I was with him. It took several attempts to find something that "clicked" for him. At bath time, I used shaving cream, bubble bath, anything to get him in. He finally latched on to some lavendar bath salts, and a back yardigans pirate ship which made bath time fun. He later told me that bad things happened at the orphanage during baths--the staff would spank kids who resisted--burned them with hot water, etc. So, this was a trigger, and I had no idea until much later what was going on. Another thing was that I did a lot of holding, rocking him, and singing to him. Hang in there, and keep posting. The special needs board gets more readers, so you might want to check in there, too.
Daycare is a must? If you have time you can take off work, I would.
She knows the rules by now. I wouldn't wake her up. I'd have her use and alarm. Tell her what time breakfast is and that if she will need to be dressed and ready to go before eating it. When it's time for breakfast to be over-done or not, it goes. When it's time to leave, she goes into the car in whatever state of readiness she is. Keep a change of clothes including socks and shoes in the car so she can get dressed on the way if she needs to.
As long as what she is doing bothers you more then her, she'll see no need to change it.
Tantrums that last four hours are not tantrums.
If this is a good attachment therapist you are using, you should be involved in the therapy sessions and the therapist should be providing you with suggestions for specific behaviors and ways to facilitate attachment.
Kids with attachment issues test new parents to be sure the new parent is strong enough to handle things. Sounds like she may be doing that.