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Hey everyone. I'm glad to have found this place, because I need some perspective from people who have been there and who are outside of this particular situation (not family, etc.)
I just turned 22 last week. I am about 18-19 weeks pregnant (the only thing I found out at the last doctor visit was only "o hai, btw ur preggers. kthnxbye", and not how far along or what gender it is.) I am in no way ready to parent, either financially or emotionally. Sure, I could read to my child and play on the floor with her, but so can a lot of people - that doesn't make them parent material. Anyway, I won't list all of that here (you have better things to do with a week), but I know that I am simply not ready to parent. I have never wanted children and this "surprise" hasn't really changed that.
My main dilemma is this: I'm not sure who the father of the baby is, my husband "R", or my best friend "C". I love both of them dearly, but my husband doesn't know that C. and I have been together that way. He thinks the baby is his, and due to his emotional issues, I intend to let him think this is so. C. is aware that it could be either of theirs. Both of them are fully accepting of whatever decision I make, and both have agreed to sign over their parental rights if I do choose to place the child for adoption.
Right now C. and I are living with my dad and stepmom, part of a plan to relocate C. away from his godawful parents. (Another long story.) R. stayed back home, but is planning to come here at a later date when we have the money. A plan was made for this relocation (the three of us, as friends, would share a house as a sort of financial arrangement.) before I found out I was pregnant. When I found out, the doc said I was about 12-14 weeks along.
Adoption was not my first choice. Abortion was. However, since I am so far along, there was simply no way to come up with the large amount of money needed to go that route. (Hard to hear for many, I know. Sorry, but it's the truth.)
The thing is, when I told stepmom about the "dueling paternity" issue, she thinks that if I go through an adoption agency that tests will be done and it will come out to my husband wether I like it or not. I know that in Texas the bFathers have the right to know of the pregnancy and the eMom's adoption plan, but beyond that I haven't been able to find anything else. I have emailed an adoption agency in Austin with my questions, but no answer yet (this was only yesterday afternoon, however.) Of course, this is the woman who thinks you can't name the baby at all before placement, or that gay or lesbian couples would even want children. I also think that it has partly to do with their "moral" direction on the matter and the fact that they want another grandchild. It's not like they will totally miss out on the experience, they have 3 grandkids by her daughters and 4 grandkids by my half-sister (dad's other daughter from first marriage. this is his third.). They keep subtly pushing the idea of parenting at me with their words like, "If you keep it" and "further down the road" and "just in case."
Last night we were discussing how I might apply for MedicAid and WIC for pregnancy. Stepmom wants me to say that R. and I are separated (we are, but only physically, not emotionally or legally) and that I want to keep the child and he doesn't, to cover up the fact that he doesn't work (reason why is ambiguous at this point, but i support his reason). They want me to say I'm going to keep the baby, then if I am going to pursue adoption options, to do so after baby is born. That if I tell them (MedicAID/WIC) I'm considering adoption, then they'll just tell me to go through an agency...circle back around to the paternity thing. This angered me because I know exactly what they're thinking -- that if I keep the child for a few weeks/months and have to raise it, I'll suddenly go "Awww, I'm keeping you" because I'm now attatched to it. That's what both of my stepsisters did with their unplanned pregnancies. (Sort of. The younger of them took fertility drugs to please her husband, but being told all her life she wouldn't concieve, she thought they wouldn't work. They now have a six month old son, cute as a bug.) I already am "attached" to my unborn baby, and I love her to death, but I don't believe I would be able raise her well. I'm just not ready.
Anyone have insight into Texas law or the two bFather issue? Like I said before, both are supportive of an adoption plan and have told me they will give up parental rights. They have not gone back and forth with the issue or threatened me or anything like that; they're both really great people.
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MoonlightLoveAngel
Also so sick of all the literature and TV shows about giving birth and babies that all focus on people all happy about having their baby and ready to parent. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a human being that this kind of thing makes me unhappy. I know I'm a freak of nature, why do I have to have it rubbed in my face. I know, it probably can't be helped, that's how most of it is directed. Most people that don't want kids are usually smarter than I've been and take precautions.
Maybe once I start working with the agency (waiting for hubby to sign one more form and mail it back to me, so I can send all the paperwork) they'll have some better stuff for what I need. I'm actually ITCHING to start counseling...
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MoonlightLoveAngel
How do I go about fighting for it? Also, I'm thinking of switching OBs before my next appointment. I made the appointment with whoever was availible, but he's not much of a people person, didn't explain a word of what was going on, and at the end of sharply prodding me down there (first time I've EVER spotted from a pelvic exam) was the classic "do you have any questions?", but he only stuck around to answer ONE and was halfway out the door while answering...had to ask his nurse practitioner all the questions while drinking the icky Sprite stuff for the glucose test.
[QUOTE=MoonlightLoveAngel]Also so sick of all the literature and TV shows about giving birth and babies that all focus on people all happy about having their baby and ready to parent. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a human being that this kind of thing makes me unhappy. I know I'm a freak of nature, why do I have to have it rubbed in my face. I know, it probably can't be helped, that's how most of it is directed. Most people that don't want kids are usually smarter than I've been and take precautions.
QUOTE]
I'm sorry, I know it doesn't seem fair does it!? But you are not a freak of nature, just a loving mother putting her child's best interests ahead of her own.
I'm pretty pissed though that they won't do tubal ligation on me afterward. Makes no sense...vasectomies and tubals are so that these kinds of things don't happen, but they don't want to give them to you young because "They're permanent and you won't be able to have any/ any more." THATS THE WHOLE POINT OF ME WANTING IT DONE.
Remember that YOU are the patient. THEY may be the doctors but that does not make them Gods. They need to be respecting your rights and your wishes. Shop until you find someone who will be willing to do the tubal. My Mother had on in 89, at what was considered a young age at the time. In that day, her Husband (my Dad) had to sign the papers as well.That said, my Husband, who is a year younger than me had a vasectomy earlier this year as another pregnancy was likely to kill me. So, yes, doctors WILL do procedures for young(er) patients. Demand the respect you deserve.
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I just get worried that I dont' have much time to shop around. Especially with me on Medicaid and currently living 30-50 miles away from all the OBs that accept it, AND depending on my Dad for rides these days. I don't even know how to do that. I've never been to any one doctor (for anything) consistently in my whole life...we moved around so much, or a good doctor would get so popular I could never get in to see them anymore, that I've only ever seen the doctor that was Just There. That, and I've been playing phone tag with just about everyone in the tri-county area since July, including Medicaid, doctor, landlords (still trying to find a place), and jobs that it's wearing me out. I already tried calling to switch my doctor, and was told to call after lunch and talk to his nurse so that they can switch the records over...and if I see the lady nurse practitioner, the OB I just saw will still do the delivery. Ugh.
Frustrated like crap over here, sorry.
i would have to disagree that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. financial problems can be temporary, aborting a baby is permanent. adoption is permanent but i don't see it the same way you do. i know you moderate but i read earlier we shouldn't ever generalize because everything is so different for everyone. it is like people chose an easy way out.
i don't feel that way. the baby is not being born eith to ten years down the road when things might be better. the baby is coming when it does and adoption can be good for some who don't want to be parents yet.
DallasGirl
i would have to disagree that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. financial problems can be temporary, aborting a baby is permanent. adoption is permanent but i don't see it the same way you do. i know you moderate but i read earlier we shouldn't ever generalize because everything is so different for everyone. it is like people chose an easy way out.i don't feel that way. the baby is not being born eith to ten years down the road when things might be better. the baby is coming when it does and adoption can be good for some who don't want to be parents yet.
The thing is, it can go the other way, too, where the financial issues go on for years (or even forever!). There is no way to foresee where you will be in the years down the road, so I do think in many cases, it makes sense to base your decision in the here-and-now. Parenting is also a permanent decision, and for those who are not ready or who simply do not desire it (not everyone wants to raise children and that is perfectly ok) finances won't matter much either way.
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JustPeachy
The thing is, it can go the other way, too, where the financial issues go on for years (or even forever!). There is no way to foresee where you will be in the years down the road, so I do think in many cases, it makes sense to base your decision in the here-and-now. Parenting is also a permanent decision, and for those who are not ready or who simply do not desire it (not everyone wants to raise children and that is perfectly ok) finances won't matter much either way.
Just to update this thread:
- DS was born 12/2/08 via c-section, 9lbs 12oz, 20in long. Big strong and healthy! And CUTE!
-chose a 2-mom family from Austin. WONDERFUL PEOPLE! Complete with a 16-yr old sister (who's a sweetheart, no teenager "attitude") and a loving extended family. We have a fully open adoption, spent a lot of time with them before the birth and are keeping in frequent communication.
- Agency was WONDERFUL, no problems with them whatsoever. My agency worker that primarily did all the work with us was a great gal! PM me if you want to know who I went through.
- collaborated on a name with them, they picked first and we picked middle. the only thing that will change on the birth certifs will be his last name.
- doc is still kind of an aloof jerk but did a good job anyway
- hubby is daddy! (agency did test through mail at me and C's request.)
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