Advertisements
Hi everyone. I hope this is the right place to post. I am in a very new OA. Baby is 1 year. We have our challenges but so far things are great with both his birth mother and his bio father who are not together anymore.
I am fully committed to our OA and know without a doubt that continually knowing his other family loves him as much as we do will enrich his life and self-esteem. OK so that said:
I have read in several places that at or around the age of 3 to about 6 many OA's suffer communication breakdowns or even "close".
I am eager to avoid the pitfalls that occur around this age and I'm wondering if anyone here could give me insight.
I'd love to hear from anyone in the triad who's OA suffered during this time or anyone who has information about why this occurs.
Thanks! :)
Like
Share
Advertisements
bromanchik
I think it is because that is the age children start understanding, in very simple terms, reproduction. It is the time the child becomes involved in the conversation. It scares the %$#& out of a lot of people. They think if they don't handle it it will somehow not be an issues.
SchmennaLeigh
Brenda; Our breakdown had absolutely nothing to do with the child and understanding/not understanding and everything to do with adults unwilling/unable/etc to put in the work.
SchmennaLeigh
Brenda; Our breakdown had absolutely nothing to do with the child and understanding/not understanding and everything to do with adults unwilling/unable/etc to put in the work.
Advertisements
I know my situation is a unique one, but for me having DD become 3ish and a whole heck of a lot more "verbal," there's no "bluffing" things anymore. I have tried to get her birth mom to tell her kids about DD, but so far no go. At the last visit, I was "paranoid" that DD was going to say something to "spill the beans." That's no way to live (and unfair to DD and her sisters, imo). So until the kids know, I am not going to have any visits with her sisters (which breaks my heart by the way). I am sure her birth parents will still want to see DD which is good b/c at least we can be "open" about who they are too her, but I have to say this has put a strain on things.....I hope it changes.
Love what a pain! I can kind of relate because I recently made a photo book for E's sister and found out from his bfather that she keeps it at a family friend's house because her grandparents don't know about E ....but they DO know about him because I (accidentally of course) SPILLED THE BEANS MONTHS AGO and E's bmother also told them when they asked her. Still, secrets in the family and a little girl having to lie to her grandparents/guardians. I hate it!
E's bfather kind of said to me that they are old so what's the difference (in their 80's).
But what can you do? I really do hope they come clean so your DD can know her sibs. :love:
I just got a beautiful email from DD's birth mom that made me cry. She said, "Just wanted you guys to know that you are great and the girls love you just as much as we do." So I really, really have to try to "convince" DD's birth mom how important being honest with the girls is. It's hard though...I don't want to cross any lines because ultimately it is their decision and I have to respect that. (sorry, just didn't know where else to post about this?!).
Hey Storm - welcome!! Feel free to post here anytime. I think the problem with the 3-6 year age group and the communication issues can be like others have said at that age children start to become curious and ask questions and that scares parents. Sometimes it appears to be easier to cut things off than deal with the issue.
But like Jenna said, communication issues can happen at any age.
My son is almost 9 and although we have had our ups and downs we have not experienced a decrease in communication. So I don't think it's fair to say this affects most adoption relationships.
Advertisements
I also wonder if around the age of 3 the bmoms come out of their "adoption is rainbows" phase. Now I know not all bmoms experience this, but I sure did. Everything was great in the beginning and adoption was wonderful. Around age 3 my emotions weren't so nice and I was beginning to see the real side of adoption and it wasn't always nice. I think for some adoptive parents this could be hard to deal with and some might find it easier to cut things off. I don't know, just another guess.
taramayrn
I also wonder if around the age of 3 the bmoms come out of their "adoption is rainbows" phase. Now I know not all bmoms experience this, but I sure did. Everything was great in the beginning and adoption was wonderful. Around age 3 my emotions weren't so nice and I was beginning to see the real side of adoption and it wasn't always nice. I think for some adoptive parents this could be hard to deal with and some might find it easier to cut things off. I don't know, just another guess.
I wonder if, for some aparents, the 3-6 year age range is when the kids are starting in pre-school/elementary school, and their schedules are getting busier, maybe there are changes in the home environment, and it just gets more difficult to keep up. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but I can remember even in my semi-open, when my son's family moved, I didn't hear from them that year. Now, we didn't have a specified agreement, so it was a bit different, and fortunately, they did follow through the next year, but I can see if they had a very busy year with a lot of change/upheaval, it might be harder to connect. As a bmom, there were also times when I found it terribly difficult to write updates, when I got busy in grad school, had to deal with traumatic events like deaths in the family, etc., I wasn't as timely as I should have been. I really think sometimes it's just life getting in the way and not intentional.
Advertisements
taramayrn
I also wonder if around the age of 3 the bmoms come out of their "adoption is rainbows" phase. Now I know not all bmoms experience this, but I sure did. Everything was great in the beginning and adoption was wonderful. Around age 3 my emotions weren't so nice and I was beginning to see the real side of adoption and it wasn't always nice. I think for some adoptive parents this could be hard to deal with and some might find it easier to cut things off. I don't know, just another guess.
