Same sex couples + adoption

As I indicated earlier, there are only two marital status categories recognized by the laws of most countries and jurisdictions within countries, when it comes to adoption and certain other activities requiring a court determination. Those categories are "legally married" and "single." If you are legally married, you can adopt as a couple and take on the financial and other responsibilities of parenthood as a couple. The homestudy will reflect your legal status as a married couple. It will show that you live together and comment on the stability and strength of the relationship. It will require police, child abuse, and medical clearances for both members of the couple, and will assess the financial stability of the couple. If you are an unpartnered single, and the laws of the child's jurisdiction and your own permit singles to adopt, you can complete an adoption as a single and take on the sole responsibility for your new child. The homestudy will reflect your status as an unpartnered single. Depending on the laws of your child's jurisdiction and your own, it may be required to comment on your orientation and relationships with potential partners. You will be required to go through medical, police, and child abuse clearances, and your financial stability will be assessed. If you live with others, such as parents, siblings, or housemates, they will be required to undergo police and child abuse clearances, and, depending on the financial arrangements of the household, some financial information may also be required from these people. If you are single but cohabiting with a domestic partner of the same or opposite gender, you can adopt as a single if the laws of your jurisdiction and the child's jurisdiction allow it. Under the law, you will take on sole responsibility for your child. However, some jurisdictions may have laws permitting your partner to petition the court, AFTER your adoption, to recognize him/her as an equal partner in your child's upbringing, or at least to grant specific rights such as medical decision-making that are the same as yours. The homestudy will reflect your status as unmarried domestic partners, and comment on the stability and strength of your relationship. Although you are the legal parent, your partner, because he/she lives with you, will be required to undergo medical, police, and child abuse clearances. If you pool your finances, then the financial stability of the couple will be assessed. In short, it is absolutely standard practice for ALL people in a household to be included in a homestudy, and for the relationship of unmarried domestic partners (gay or straight) to be discussed. Now, because some countries and some jurisdictions within countries do not permit cohabiting straight couples, or gay people in general, to adopt, SOME people do make efforts to circumvent the laws. Some people actually have their domestic partners (gay or straight) move out during the homestudy; the social worker may or may not be complicit in this action. Others work with agencies and social workers who are sympathetic, to see just how non-specific the homestudy wording can be to satisfy the relevant legal authorities. In the U.S., information on gay-friendly agencies and social workers circulates quietly or not-so-quietly in the gay community. Technically, a lot (though not all) of this activity is illegal, since an adoption is a legal process, and lying in legal documents is a punishable offense. But the fact is that it occurs. On the other hand, depending on the type of adoption that is done, it may be possible for cohabiting heterosexual couples, and for gay/lesbian people in general, to be open about their situation. In the U.S., it is not uncommon for children to be placed with either partnered or unpartnered gays and lesbians, and for heterosexuals in a non-marital relationship to adopt. In short, whether you can adopt as an unmarried gay couple depends on the laws of your jurisdiction and your child's jurisdiction, on whether you are comfortable finding ways to circumvent laws you don't like, and on the actual facts of your situation. While homophobia certainly exists in the U.S., other English-speaking countries, and Western Europe, most of these countries are light years ahead of other parts of the world in terms of acceptance of gays and lesbians. Most of the countries from which Americans adopt do not accept known gays and lesbians. Others don't have explicit requirements for mention of orientation in the homestudy, so some adoptive families "slip through". And a very few may occasionally and very quietly make an exception for someone who is exceptionally well-qualified and recommended by an agency that is well known in the country. China was one of those countries that used to be silent on the issue of orientation, and that received a lot of lesbian adopters as a result. Then, it developed some very strict rules, and the numbers fell to almost zero. Today, a lot of American gays and lesbians prefer domestic adoption, simply because it is more likely to get approved. While a few U.S. states do not allow adoption by gays and lesbians, most do. In the U.S., there are three basic models of domestic adoption. In one model, you sign up with a non-governmental adoption agency that works with pregnant women or women who have recently given birth. In most cases, the pregnant women are allowed to choose the characteristics of the prospective parents with whom they place their child, if they wish. Very few gays and lesbians, and relatively modest numbers of heterosexual singles (partnered or not) choose this model of adoption. Aside from the fact that it tends to be expensive, most of the pregnant women who work with agencies choose to place their babies with traditional married couples. And it is almost impossible for non-Americans to adopt through these private agencies, even if they are heterosexually married. The reason is simple. There are very, very few healthy newborns/infants of any ethnicity available for adoption in the United States. Most agencies have long waiting lists of U.S. citizens waiting to adopt. They don't bother to accept non-Americans, because they don't have enough babies even for families in their own back yard. Many Americans adopt internationally, simply because they don't want to wait five years to receive a referral. Be aware that this situation prevails in most of the English speaking world and Western Europe. One reason that so many American and Western European families adopt from countries like Ethiopia, Vietnam, Colombia, and so on is that there are very few healthy infants and toddlers available for adoption in their own homelands. The reason is primarily that the U.S., the English speaking countries, and Western Europe are much more prosperous than other parts of the world, so the vast majority of people can raise the children they bear. They also tend to have a lower birth rate, in part because of an acceptance of family planning and in part because higher income/better educated people tend to prefer smaller families. Their countries tend to have a strong "social safety net" that provides financial and other support to the poor, so they don't have to place their babies. And so on. Some of the private American agencies may occasionally have older children or children with special needs whom they are trying to place. In some cases, these are children of disrupted international or domestic adoptions. In such cases, they "may" consider non-traditional families or overseas families. And fees are reduced. However, it isn't particularly easy for overseas families to find out about these situations, and domestic families will have priority. The second model of adoption is the private adoption. Some Americans have a homestudy by a social worker, then seek out possible birthmothers on their own by networking among relatives, friends, local obstetricians, and so on. Once they find a possible situation, they work with an attorney to ensure that they follow all applicable laws and to finalize the adoption. This model can be risky. There are a lot of scams. And many of the pregnant women will decide to parent, once their babies are born. So it isn't the right option for a lot of Americans. But it is still in active use. Some gay and lesbian Americans have completed domestic private adoptions. In general, they identify birthmothers who know them, or who have a good deal of familiarity with the gay community, or they simply manage to convince some individual that they are as well qualified to parent as any straight couple. Private adoption is generally difficult for overseas families, regardless of orientation, unless they are related to the child's birth family. For one thing, some countries, like the U.S., have ratified the Hague Convention on intercountry adoption, and this makes such an adoption more problematic. Fraud and scams abound in international private adoption, making countries especially leery of such situations. Finally, there is adoption through the U.S. foster care system. While some children are removed from their birthfamilies as newborns, or are abandoned or relinquished in infancy, most of the children in the U.S. foster care system are older or have special needs. People from overseas who wish to adopt from the U.S. are most likely to adopt from the foster care system, simply because that is the only option open to them. And they almost never adopt healthy infants and toddlers, because they are easily placed domestically. The children from foster care who are placed with non-Americans are often of school age (often teenage), non-White, and male; they often have significant physical and/or emotional special needs. These are the children for whom families simply can't be found in the U.S. Because these children are so hard to place, foster care programs are often more open to non-traditional families than other programs. My feeling is that if a well-qualified lesbian (partnered or not) from a country that allows gay people to adopt was open to adopting a school aged child with significant special needs, she could probably do so through the foster care system, without lying about her orientation. It wouldn't be easy, and it wouldn't be quick. But it could be done in some jurisdictions. All in all, I'm not sure how you can approach adoption in your situation. Despite the perception of some foreigners that the Irish have a lot of babies, there are relatively few healthy infants and toddlers available for adoption, and most Irish adoptive families, even the most traditional, will wait a significant length of time for a placement, unless they are open to older children or those with special needs. That is why many Irish families choose international adoption. To the extent that birthmothers are allowed to choose the type of adoptive family they wish, they will generally go for married couples. And there is likely to be some agency bias against placing "desirable" children with non-traditional families, including same-sex couples. Thus, your wait for a healthy infant domestically is likely to be even longer than that of a married Irish couple. If there is an active gay/lesbian community near you, you might ask around for adoption-friendly resources. They might suggest international and domestic situations that have worked for other unmarried couples like you and your partner. They can also suggest ways of navigating the adoption bureaucracy in your own country, though you should be careful to avoid any sort of deception that would land you in legal trouble. If you are open to older children or children with special needs, you are likely to find a placement in your own country, but you could also explore adoption from the U.S. foster care system, if your country allows it. All in all, it will not be easy for you to adopt. I don't want to offer false hope. You have a distinct disadvantage over heterosexual married couples, and even over unpartnered single women. But if you consider all of the possible ways to proceed, you may well wind up finding a situation where you can provide a child with a loving family. Sharon