Doctors

I took the opposite path... I married someone "safe." 35 years later we're still married. I needed security I think.

Kathy, the toddler was in his stroller, giving his aunt the strangest look you've ever seen on a 2-year-old's face. I was already embarrassing the poor boy, and he wasn't even out of diapers yet! :prop: You know what they say, Kathy... Better safe than sorry. You were "safe", and boy was I "sorry"!! :evilgrin:

Stinky_Kitty Doctors.. this thread.. and physical issues.. we sure want doctors when the trouble starts.. I am so glad I did not do a negative header for this thread.. I fell in love with an artist.. He had actually gone to art college.. .................me I was a scrapper and got my learning from where I could get it.. One year at art school.. technical.. and then on to on the job training.. But I had come back from Florida.. and moved into Toronto and got a job doing freelance at Eaton’s a large department store that was up here.. gone now.. There he was.. he was a layout artist.. and boy he had brown eyes.. I loved that man.. I loved him something awful.. It was such an intense love..and in some ways I still feel robbed by those emotions.. But now when I see it.. I was an accident waiting to happen.. I had had no help after I relinquished.. and I think my emotions were ready for an insane kind of love.. To this day.. I have these kind of emotions for this man.. but I think it was not really him.. it was the loss.. And I think he was a manipulator.. When I went to Vancouver to have my first visit with my bson near Seattle.. I saw a lot of ravens.. on Vancouver Island.. And totems of Raven.. I used to think Raven was protecting my bson.. Jackie

I just thought of a doctor story to share... Raven's newspaper story made me think of it. This is a story after the birth of my second son (disclaimer - the one I kept). Apparently, my uterus didn't remain contracted the way it was supposed to but instead relaxed; I began to hemorrhage. The doctor came in and worked on me to stop the bleeding... this involved (in part) pounding on my abdomen to make the uterus contract. I won't mention where his other hand had to be.... Needless to say, it was a painful process. To make matters worse, he was sitting on my foot! When he finished (successfully), I said to him, "You're sitting on my foot!" He apologized and said, "I thought I was sitting on my pager!"

Jackie, the way you describe your boyfriend the artist sounds so much like Steve. I had the same intense kind of love for him that you describe having. I thought about him 24 hours a day, and I think I would have done just about anything for him if he had asked me. And like you, I think I was an accident waiting to happen.I hadn't dealt with any of my emotions after I relinquished my son. And Steve was the first man I became involved with after surrendering my baby. There was no counseling of any type available in those days, at least none that I was aware of. If you tried to talk to a shrink about relinquishment and adoption, they'd just look at you like you were crazy. They honestly did not have a clue in those years...So I allowed myself to be manipulated by Stephen. I counted myself fortunate that this gorgeous man who was an artist, who could carry on an intellectual and/or meaningful conversation deep into the night, whose smile always turned every woman's head when we went out together, who loved music as much as I did...this man would deign to choose me. In short, I felt unworthy of such greatness. (And I was very, very young as you can probably tell, lol...) The drama of it all was wonderful...intense...and heartbreaking. But I think it would have been far easier to have undergone counseling after the adoption...I wish it had been available then.Two very rare white ravens hatched this year on Vancouver Island, near the Ravensong Aquatic Center on Qualicum Beach. The white raven is spoken of in many Native American legends. In one Haida legend, all ravens were originally snowy white, until one day Raven stole the Sun, Moon, Stars, Fresh Water, and Fire from Grey Eagle's lodge. He released them back onto the earth, and in the process, Raven's feathers became singed and covered with black soot...and they have stayed that way ever since.

Ouch.... That's all I can say, Kathy.... Ouch!! And sitting on your foot during the whole time!! Boy, pagers must have been a LOT bigger back then. Or else you have a really small foot, lol... :evilgrin:

kakuehl Oh Kathy that must have hurt.. wooo weeeeee.. I had a bad nite last nite.. very bad nite.. First our cat Loki vomited a mouse on my part of the bed.. and we had to strip the bedding.. and then I got my old irritable bowl pain back.. and had to sit up all nite.. Doctor told me to get to the emergency after such and such happens.. so I knew I was not that bad.. So I am sitting up and listening to my mp3 player and a new book.. and I was moaning.. and hubby got woken up.. Such pain some of us have.. I am not going to eat today.. Jackie

RavenSong The drama of it all was wonderful...intense...and heartbreaking. But I think it would have been far easier to have undergone counseling after the adoption...I wish it had been available then. I still kept this secret love even after I left him.. Intense uncontrolled.. I am so glad I was able to get away tho. Years later I found him and he still was a single guy.. I remember when I was really getting into my grief and used to walk all over town.. I can remember sitting at a bus stop.. near his home his studio.. Such intensity.. whew.. I will never forget that first therapist telling me I had not grieved the loss of my first born.. I wish I could go and see those Ravens.. They are magic.. Jackie

Jackie, It took me years to get over Steve. I loved him for a long time after we split up. I've never had that same intensity again, but that's probably a good thing...it just about consumed me. I looked him up on the Internet a few months ago...he's divorced these days, living alone...hmmmm. (Just joking, Jackie!) In a strange way, I think grieving over my breakup with Steve was what eventually led me into acknowledging the grief of losing my son. And in some weird, scrambled-up way, I think that the intensity of the love I felt for Steve was all jumbled together with the grief over my son. I'm still trying to figure that one out... I am so sorry you're having these pains right now, Jackie. Be sure to call the doctor if it gets worse or if you need some pain meds. I'll think good thoughts for you today, and send some energy your way... :loveyou:

I hope you can get a good night's sleep tonight Jackie. I know lack of sleep affects me in such a hugely negative way. You have a cat named Loki, hmmm? Interesting...

Naomi named the cat.. I am sick bad bad tummy troubles.. we had/have a lysteria scare up here in Canada.. it takes 70 days to get it.. I am heading to the doctors today.. I will check in when I get better.. Thank goodness for doctors.. whew.. Jackie

Jackie, I just read a bunch of information about the Listeria outbreak you guys are having in your neck of the woods. Scary stuff... Listeriosis is a really, really serious bacterial illness. When you're all better, be sure to join one of the four class-action lawsuits being filed against Maple Leaf Foods by Merchant Law Group. You can find all the details and online form at [url=http://www.merchantlaw.com/mapleleaf.html]Maple Leaf Foods Class Action[/url]. Get well soon, my special friend. Sending much love and healing energy your way... :loveyou:

Jackie, Take care of yourself kiddo!! Listeria!! Ick!!! And you having to go to the doctor....after struggling with your feelings about them. :-( I hope you feel like a million soon! :-) Janey

Hey All, Pardon me for not being here the last few days. I've been having a time just trying to find the time to get in here to post. And there's been stuff going on. Anyway, I'm thinking about the stories I've read of relationships after surrender. These quotes from Jackie.. & These from Raven.. & I have read other similar quotes in posts by women who fell for that 'handsome stranger' so to speak. There is a common thread in these tales. How women searched for that "spark" of life lost to them in relinquishment. How they devoted themselves to a man of passionate taste; I think perhaps to regain their own passion. And I believe fervently that reliquishment robs us of the joy of living for a time. Sigh......But I didn't search for passionate men. I searched for punishers. Viscious, cold, indifferent men who made it clear from the start that I was nothing to them; nothing but a body for their mattress. Still, I clung to them because I felt that that was all I was - a girl to do. :( One man in particular comes to the forefront of my brain. A man who looked at me and said, "You're just sumthin I'm doin till sumthin better comes along." :( And I thought, "Yeah. And that's all I deserve anyway." I craved that indifference you know; like I craved food; like I craved a glass of water when I was thirsty. The colder they were to me; the easier it was to live with myself. I was like a person who cuts their body to bleed out the pain; only I did it internally, mentally. I would pay for the loss of my children; I would sentence myself to life without the possibility of joy. It was a dark road my friends; a dark wintery road with no color; the trees bent and twisted against the icy wind and my soul could find no purchase in the sodden mud. Thanks for listening and for being here, Some say the world will end in fire;

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To know that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice. Robert Frost

All this talk is making me rethink why my first two marriages failed...