how do i keep amom from feeling i am taking away her baby?

Here's a question: Are we ever too old for mothering? I'm 57 and my mom's been dead for 12 years; there are still times when "I need my Mommy." (admittedly not in the same way as I needed her when I was a child.) My youngest child is only six years younger than D (D's youngest sister in his afamily is 8 years younger) so in many ways D's aparents and I are at the same place in our lives. (D's adad recently retired, but his amom is still working.) Both of us have entered the grandparenting phase of our lives. Again, my hope/prayer for you is that your relationship with the afamily continues to flourish and deepen.

When I FIRST read your situation, my poor a-mom heart skipped a beat. At first, before I read your second post, I was trying to imagine how I would feel, if one of our kids moved in with their bmom, in another city, and all that.I KNOW in my heart of hearts, it is a GREAT and WONDERFUL thing, but aint going to lie, it would be kind of hard emotionally for me.BUT, after reading more about your situation, I do believe you when you say, sincerely, that you would embrace the whole family, and it would be inclusive. That makes it wonderful.I think it is more frightening for a-moms, when a child reunites, and gets enveloped by a whole new huge bfamily. When they suddenly have new sibs, cousins, parents and grandparents, all clamoring for them to come spend Thanksgiving, YIKES. That is scary because we are afraid that we will be on the losing end. lolYou're sincerely wanting to 'merge' more than you are wanting to 'steal' her away. I think her Amom will suck it up and be fine as long as the communication is there. Personally, I do not think a-mom even needs to stay with you 2 at all. I think you and your daughter should take the time you need together, plus she needs to focus on her new job. [hopefully.] As long as amom is included by phone, email, im's etc, she should just chill. imoCongratz on your ability to thoughtfully think things through, and keep this reunion on track. katie

I say no. I have mentioned here before that I was pretty neglected (not the basic necessities but everything else). My mother was very un- maternal and even told me not to have kids! When I moved to England for three years my mother in law lived about a mile away. In the dictionary next to "mum" there's a picture of her. She's the exact opposite of my mother in every way. I moved there at 36 and I always told everyone I was "re-mothered" and I can tell you now that whatever i am as a wife and mother has been vastly improved by this relationship. Furthermore I have a sister who is ten years old and we call her DS's "Grant" (grandmother/aunt). We who were not parented in the "typical" way find it where we find it and we're lucky if we do. :)

so, inspired by expressing my worries on this thread and the good feedback here, i called amom yesterday and left a casual message of just wanting to say hi she phoned me back today, and we ended up having a 2 hour talk. it began with pleasantries, then meandered into E's job prospects, and then we finally broached THE topic. :eyebrows: I told her that i was happy that i would get a chance to see her more often. I welcomed her to come stay with me so the three of us could all look for E's new apartment together. I approached it like it was assumed she would be here too and it would be fun for all of us. I could hear the relief in her voice. I told amom that she is always welcome in my home when she comes down for weekend visits with E, as San Francisco is terribly expensive and i am sure E will end up renting a tiny studio with her boyfriend or in a house share situation at first. Amom was really happy. she said one of the things that had worried her was she knew E wanted independence and it would be great to know she could stay here with me and visit with E during the day. The whole conversation went so well that i finally risked stating the "unspoken" and basically said "i know that no matter how much you want to be supportive to E during this time, it has to be very difficult in a lot of ways. i can relate to the emotions of letting go...and i want you to know, if you are having a hard day or difficult time with this at any point, you can call me up in tears and i will always do my best to be loving and supportive to you. " she took it very well and i think she truly knows where i'm coming from. we finally talked about the fact that we both know it's going to be hard for her at certain points. she made the comment that ultimately, all mother love had to be selfless at times, and now it was her turn. i just felt really close to her and i'm glad we were able to really put it out there. at least she knows I am aware and supportive of what she is going through and she won't have to worry about hiding it in addition to just coping with her feelings. then, it was SO COOL, she said she kind of felt like she was getting a second daughter. she was a little embarrassed, and said "i don't mean that you want me to mother you..." i got a teary eyed and told her that i felt the same way and it was a very nice thing to say. :love: it was just a great conversation, and i feel much better. i think she is doing fine, but hopefully the talk will remain with her if she has a few tough days here and there... just wanted to thank you all for your support and help with this!

I am glad it all worked out for you!

djvj, I cried again, reading your posting about talking to a-mom...all I have wanted with my sharings is to have people understand that the a-parents need understanding...it usually seems like the adoptee and the b-relatives are the only ones who need to be understood and considered and for you to recognize the insecurities and needs of the a-relative too...moves me to tears and relief...CAN YOU HEAR ME SIGH? Thank you...for your sharing, caring, and courage to do what you think is right for ALL parties involved. HUGS PS and BTW I have a sister two years younger than me and my mom mever had sisters so at our ages we are more like three sisters so it seems you and E and a-mom can have that too...lots of great girl time ahead for ya. ENJOY!:cheer:

djvj, I hope my bdaughter's amom and I can have such a relationship. I have always loved and admired them. She has been a bit cold to me and I just want to have a good relationship with them. I hope in time she will know that no one can take her place and that her daughter isn't looking for another mom. Please keep letting us know how things are going, it is so encouraging to us. Blessings

I am so happy and relieved for you! That is so nice that you were able to clear the air!!

Ah djvj, That is such good news! It seems to me that you are strengthening your relationship (instead of weakening it by neither person sharing their thoughts and feelings). Isn't it great to be on the same page?

you know, the strongest emotion i feel is relief that the elephant sitting in the living room now has a name. i have a hard time with knowing what is appropriate to say to both bdaughter and amom, but then i kind of realize that each situation is so unique that it is best to follow my instincts, if i have them for any sustained period of time. (meaning if i sit on it for a few days and my feelings are still strong and unchanged) i followed my gut when i chose them to parent her, and it's been the best choice i could make as far as giving her other parents. i followed my gut when i called her parents to see if she wanted to be in reunion, and it was the best way to go from her perspective. so i just decided that we all seem to be together for a reason and just being as honest as possible was probably the best way. sometimes, when i am reading posts on this site, there are so many worst case scenarios and examples of extreme views on all sides that i get a little lost about my own situation. i begin to think everything in terms of black or white, right or wrong. of course, in life, it is never that way. i also realize that i am very very hard on myself. i imagine sometimes if i make any mistakes that other people are going to run away in horror. they rarely do. so a lot of drama gets created in my own mind if i stay paralyzed too long about any issue. i worry so much about other people and how they feel i forget i have a right to my feelings and struggles too. i am very lucky to be a part of my triad; it has been as beautiful an experience as an adoption can be. that doesn't take away the grief or pain that we all in the triad feel at times, but it shows that it is possible to work through these feelings and put love first.

Beautiful....Absolutely Beautiful. Wow - I'm crying. I think I've only gotten teary eyed one other time, reading someone's post. All three of you sound like wonderful women.

Exactly! Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Sometimes it seems on the forums, if things are going well in your reunion, there must be something wrong with you. I have found myself waiting for something bad to happen! (I don't think that's going to happen, but some to the threads make me wonder what I'm missing in my own reunion.)

you know, the strongest emotion i feel is relief that the elephant sitting in the living room now has a name. i have a hard time with knowing what is appropriate to say to both bdaughter and amom, but then i kind of realize that each situation is so unique that it is best to follow my instincts, if i have them for any sustained period of time. (meaning if i sit on it for a few days and my feelings are still strong and unchanged) i followed my gut when i chose them to parent her, and it's been the best choice i could make as far as giving her other parents. i followed my gut when i called her parents to see if she wanted to be in reunion, and it was the best way to go from her perspective. so i just decided that we all seem to be together for a reason and just being as honest as possible was probably the best way. sometimes, when i am reading posts on this site, there are so many worst case scenarios and examples of extreme views on all sides that i get a little lost about my own situation. i begin to think everything in terms of black or white, right or wrong. of course, in life, it is never that way. i also realize that i am very very hard on myself. i imagine sometimes if i make any mistakes that other people are going to run away in horror. they rarely do. so a lot of drama gets created in my own mind if i stay paralyzed too long about any issue. i worry so much about other people and how they feel i forget i have a right to my feelings and struggles too. i am very lucky to be a part of my triad; it has been as beautiful an experience as an adoption can be. that doesn't take away the grief or pain that we all in the triad feel at times, but it shows that it is possible to work through these feelings and put love first.

Ding dang dong. Imagine that...a reunion with honesty, communication, acceptance, respect and care for everyone involved, from everyone involved. Let's package that and sell it. Better yet, let's give it away for free. :)

Dj, it is very nice that you are so concerned about amom. I think the camping trip might help to ease her mind as well. A relationship between you two may do wonders. I know most bmoms and amoms don't have relationships after the child is an adult but I think it would be great.