(A)DD turns 2 ,Letter to B.Mom-Inter-racial ?, Advise plz

I don't know if I can help you with this at all but I have a couple comments. You said you don't celebrate any of the Indian holidays. And you don't have the same language etc. You also said the birth mom chose you so her daughter would blend in. My thoughts on this is, don't lie to the birth mom even in pictures. It wouldn't do anyone any good to fake what your daughter is really doing. Be honest or just don't mention anything to do with religious or cultural stuff. When taking pictures and sending them, send ones of her in her everyday stuff playing in the park or eating meals or sleeping or whatever other things you think are cute and fun that your daughter is doing on a daily basis. If she is learning Hindi that might be something good to share with her birth mom but don't tell her that unless it's true. Think about how if your daughter and her birth mom ever go into reunion and the birth mom was thinking all her daughter's life that she was doing all these Indian things and celebrating all the hoildays etc. and when a reunion happened your daughter didn't have a clue about any of that stuff. It would give reason for the birth mom not to trust you. Since your daughter is only 2 right now she has plenty of time to be taught things about her background and about her heritage if you choose to teach her those things. I'm sure her birth mom chose you because she felt you were a family that would be good to her daughter and because you look similar enough that her daughter wouldn't be made fun of or questioned about you being her real parents. My daughter was American Indian and Caucasion and didn't fit into her family all that well. Of course I had no say so in where she was placed. I had no idea what was going on (this was back in 1976) so she was placed in the home she was without them thinking about her possibly not looking like her adoptive family. My daughter looked more American Indian than Caucasion. She had very dark black hair and darker skin (more like a really good tan) and her adoptive parents were Irish or something with very light color skin and red hair. I found all that out after we were reunited. Since you probably had a lot of your information in the profiles you had to do for the adoption for her to see, she knows you're not the same nationality even though you may have the same color skin and that you probably don't celebrate the same holidays or that sort of thing as the birth mom. For whatever reason she chose you, don't give her any reason to not trust you. Just love your daughter and love her birth mom and keep your promises to her and your daughter. If you promised her you'd teach her about her heritage and teach her the language of her birth mom and all that stuff then do it. But you've got time still. I don't know if any of this makes sense or not but I hope it did and I hope it helps you with this. I'm so glad you are one of the adoptive parents who really cares about the birth mom. I hope no matter what that you always will. I wish my daughter's adoptive parents had loved me like you are saying you love your daughter's birth mom. Rylee

Rylee thank you so much for responding. No response had me thinking maybe i hurt the users in this section. We do celebrate Indian holidays and my daughter is picking up hindi. I meant to say our daughter's B.mom is actually a Mexican by origin and we don't celebrate the same holidays. In our homestudy notes we had not promised much on religon or language . Our promise was of being a family forever (not seperating as a couple), good education, a lot of family support, teaching compassion towards animals and taking for many adventourous holidays all over the world. I do believe she loved our profile and what we had promised. I can very comfortably tell her we have kept our promise in all aspects. My question is as we go along she is learning hindi and English and Indian customs. Since we never mentioned specifically anything about language,customs etc. Will our toddlers b.mom be comfortable hearing about her learning a language and custom at this stage that is alien to her ? I was never planning to lie. I was wondering if i should mention these facts or just talk about other things? Our child's B.mom never spoke to us,met us or contacted us , although we wrote to her twice. So we don't even know what she is like as a person. What are her expectations other than to keep our promise. So i was wondering if we are meeting her expectation.

I know what you mean about not getting any response sometimes and thinking either you've offended someone, or your subject wasn't of interest to anyone or the title wasn't catchy enough to get anyone to open it. You know all that kind of stuff. :) But as far as what you should send the birth mom, I think if she is learning the things you say and doing the things you say then by all means share that with her. Since the birth mom knows you're of Indian heritage she might assume you'd be celebrating all the holidays of your own country and your daughter will be learning your language along with English. The Birth mom is probably going to be very grateful that you actually send updates and pictures and things like that. I don't think she's going to care what she's dressed in or what she is doing just having those pictures is going to be important to her. I know that no mater if a girl/woman gives their baby up voluntarily or not she still hurts and the pain may not ever go away. I believe that had my daughter's adoptive parents given me updates and pictures it would have eased my pain. I know it would have. It woudn't have taken it away by any means but it would have eased it. I was forced to give my baby away. I didn't want to and I wasn't allowed to choose her parents or have anything whatsoever to do with the adoption except to be forced to sign the papers to give her up. I know I would have been grateful for updates and just having pictures no matter what she was doing. I didn't know where she was, if she was ok, or what was going on. It was a horrible feeling. So, I think you should do whatever your heart tells you to and not worry about what you send as long as you send things that are true and honest. I don't know if this helps or not. I hope it does. Good luck with that. Rylee

Momto1, my son was placed in a family, one half of which was a different cultural hertiage, and I was happy to learn that he was exposed to the other culture. He visited countries that his extended family lived in and learned a bit of their language, and I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for him. I think your daughter's bmom would be pleased to know your daughter is experiencing a wide variety of things, will be given the opportunity to travel, learn different language and customs, etc., but also that you are respecting and encouraging her biological heritage as well and not erasing it. In my son's case, his family was the same religion as me and they lived in the US, so there wasn't such a stark contrast in customs or religious/holiday celebrations. I think in your situation, since your customs and religion are foreign to the bmom, maybe introduce this slowly or don't make it the main focus of your update. Definitely mention she is learning English and Hindi, but you would also like for her to learn Spanish. I think you want a balance of not hiding or being ashamed in any way of your customs, but also not having the bmom feel as though you are stripping your daughter's racial/cultural identity either. She will probably be most interested in knowing that your daughter is happy, healthy and thriving. Let her know what milestones she is reaching, how she is progressing overall, what she likes to do or play with, a bit about her personality, etc. I'm sure, given how conscientious you are, that your update letter will be just fine.

Just Peachy & Rylee thanks so much for your feedback. Since i didn't get responses soon enough i made a judgement call and sent that update before her b'day came. But after reading your posts i think i did O.K with whatever information i included. I didn't rub in too much of the language aspect. I will tell her next year. Our toddler is anyways not speaking that well. And i added all the milestone information and sent her love from all of us.

I placed my son into a catholic family.. I was pleased when I learned that he felt a very big part of that family.. Its what I wanted.. Also learning languages.. may be important.. Jackie