Does anyone else get fidgety when "The Primal Wound" is mentioned?

I have not read Primal Wound either, but thought I might offer a little historical perspective. Until books like this came out, it was never even considered that an adopted child could experience the kind of loss associated with a 'Primal Wound'. It was assumed that they would forget, and if it was never mentioned to them, they wouldn't even know they were adopted. It was still the era of "if you love them enough, everything will be fine". Then in the 90's the first major wave of international adoptees were reaching adolescence and all hell was breaking loose and no one knew why. My son came home from Colombia in 1986 at 2 1/2. We didn't understand how extensive his losses were and didn't do much to help him through it. I can tell you that there is, to this day, an enormous hole in him that will never be filled. I do think that it is much less of an issue now than it was then, and books like "Primal Wound" have a lot to do with it. We as AP's do so much more to compensate for these losses. Clearly we can't make them go totally away, but just being aware makes a huge difference. So when reading books like this, I think it's important to remember the time and the context when they were written.

I always thought that "being adopted" was no big deal. You went to another family, had no knowledge of your bparents and grew up. How wrong can you be! Primal Wound opened my eyes to what adoption, in it's many forms, really means to some. For that I'm grateful....I'm learning and any help I can get I welcome. The posts on this site have also opened up a new perspective for me. Thanks to all.

Just thinking out loud here, so take this for what it's worth. I wonder if we sometimes take the word "wounded" too literal in reference to the "Primal Wound". I wonder if sometimes we apply the word "wounded" as a "label" to ourselves as adoptees. I notice that a lot of people seem to avoid this book because they don't "feel" wounded. I myself was guilty of avoiding this book, because I didn't want to be labeled as someone who was "wounded" or "damaged". I don't think of it that way now that I have really examined my whole life as an adoptee, who has been reunited with my entire bio family. The "Primal Wound" isn't a lable for adoptees. It is a "thing that happened" to adoptees. I think there is a huge difference. The one thing that I think no one will deny is that with adoption there is loss, with loss there is pain (conscious or subconscious),. Isn't that loss why we search? We are looking for the missing information? Loss leads to pain...pain/hurt=wounded..not a label...a thing that happened? Again, just my thoughts on the subject.

I think this has turned out to be a really good discussion - thanks, everyone. Adoption Ally, I appreciate your perspective. shadow riderer, you are right on. I hate the idea of a "wounded" label being applied to me. I absolutely agree that there are losses in adoption (even if the gains are great). Obviously, for those of us from closed/sealed adoptions, those losses include knowing our bio families, knowing about our ancestry, who we are genetically, etc., etc. I would never deny those. But to me, to say I was "wounded" at the moment I was separated from my birth mother (and correct me if that's not what the book says), seems to paint me as a victim - something I do NOT want to be.

I don't recall exactly what the book says. As far as being painted a victim, I think that is all in the interpretation of each person. I choose not to see it that way. Was I "wounded" by being seperated from my Bmom at birth? Yes, in the sense that I suffered a loss...the loss of my Bmom and bfamily...a loss no one new I would feel or need to grieve, not even I until 40 some odd years later. Was I a victim? Yes, in the sense that I had no say...no choice in what was to happen to me. Does that make me "damaged" emotionally for life? Heck no! It did, however, have an effect on me. The "wound" was a thing that happened to me that I needed to heal..just like a cut would need to heal. I look at it like this. Anytime a baby is taken from it's mother, no matter the situation, even in the best intrest of the baby, it is a sad thing. Being taken from my Bmother at birth was a sad thing for both of us, and I'm not talking about "adoption". I'm talking about the actual act of the seperation of a nine month relationship of a mother and her child. I see no shame in admitting that the literal seperation from my bmother was a sad thing. I see no shame in admitting that it had an effect on my life. It is a, now, agreed upon fact by most all proffessionals that babies seperated from their mothers need to grieve for the loss of their mother...grief/loss=pain=a wound that needs to be healed. Does the "Primal Wound" label adoptees as "wounded victims"? I guess it does in a sense. Is that a bad thing? Only if you choose to let it be. No one wants to be labeled a "victim". As an adoptee, you can only be a "wounded victim" if you choose to be. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that adoptees suffered a loss at their birth and should be allowed to grieve that loss, and if not allowed will be effected in other areas of their lives. I did not agree with everything in the book either. It did, however, help me see things I hadn't looked at/thought of before. It helped me understand myself a little better. I do not feel like a "wounded victim". I feel like a person who suffered a loss, needed to grieve, and is now healing.

Once again, I did not read the book but I find this conversation very interesting and wanted to chime in again... I read the book The Girls Who Went Away and it gave me a lot of insight into the time period that I was born and adopted. I believe that we, adoptees, were wounded by adoption. I don't know how much I believe that the separation as an infant was a wound - I'm quite sure it was at the time, but I don't know about you, but my memory does not go back that far. Perhaps it has affected me subconsciously, I really don't know. What I do know is that I am wounded by the adoption. Throughout my life I have felt sad many, many times over being adopted and kept it from my parents because I didn't want them to take it personally or be hurt. Don't get me wrong, I had wonderful parents/aparents, but no matter how wonderful they were there was still the knowledge of my being born and then given away by my mother. There was still that aching in my heart of not knowing. I think that the deepest wounds of adoptions have to be suffered by our mothers. When they relinquished us they were aware of the loss (unlike us as babies). As a mother I cannot fathom this. It makes me so sad to know that my being born brought my bmom so much anguish, not to mention the pain of the not knowing that she must have had to deal with ever since that day. Yes, wounds can be healed. I think that the only way to heal the wounds of adoption is to search and reunite. Whether the outcome is good or bad that wound of not knowing, that emptiness in our hearts and the barron family tree will be resolved so that healing can take place. So why does it have to be such an ordeal to search? Why the heck cant we be provided information about ourselves by the agencies that adopted us out? I just dont understand that. Who are they protecting? As adults we are entitled to our personal information. And according to the materials that I've read about bmothers, the vast majority of them also want answers and want information released. And there are so many search business making money off of our adoption "wounds" because all of the states will not open records to adult adotees. Adoption does cause a lot of pain for us and our bmoms and I think that we are victims in a sense. Victims of a messed up system that back then pressured our mothers to give us up and now continues to victimize us by telling us we are not entitled to our records. I dont want to think of myself as a wounded victim either. And you know, I'm not just sitting back, playing the part of a victim and taking no for an answer - I'm searching. And through all of this mess and emotions caused by adoption I can still hold my head up high and know that I love my parents, I love my children and my husband, I am successful in my career and happy with all of the aspects of my life outside of adoption. So in the end, I believe that I was victimized, but I refuse to be a victim.

One time, I had my gall bladder removed. They cut me open about 8-12 inches on my belly, took it out, and then sewed me back up. It was a wound. It hurt real bad when it first happened. Now it is healed up. Now it is a scar. The scar is really really big, a reminder of the wound that I have learned to live with because it is a part of me that will never go away, it seems invisible now, I don't even realize/care that it is there. This is much like I perceive adoption issues to be for adoptees.There is another part of all this too. Two were separated at birth - two that had been connected physically and many other ways were now torn apart. The two entities that once were one are now apart, and are denied the time period immediately after birth where each of them assures the other of love and a continued bond. The wound not only has to do with the adoptee, but that wound is even more evident and presents itself very powerfully for the birthmother. She is aware of her loss from the first day and is denied any information or contact and has no closure and is not allowed to grieve because everyone wants to keep everything a secret, causing further shame and isolation. That is the wound that never turns into a scar, but perpetually remains open and gaping. The only thing that will sew up that wound for me so that it can become a healed scar will be holding my son in my arms once again. I am primally wounded.

Hi all, I have had many a discussion about the PW in the past. In the beginning, without reading the book, I scoffed at it and really disregarded what I had heard about the book. I really beleived that it was an attempt to patholize adopteesand took offense to that. I still haven't read the book, still don't want to be patholized, or made the victim.but I do acknowledge that we can not come out of being adopted without SOME questions, I even hesitate to use the word issues( i hate that word) for some there are no issues to being adopted, for some there are many issues. For me I know growing up I really never felt abandoned or rejected and when others would talk about adoptees in that vein I was truly puzzled. I felt loved with my parents(but definetly didn't feel as good as my adoptive extended family), I did feel sad, often for no reason. I ALWAYS wondered about birthfamily. Later in life I got angry, not at being adopted but everyones' elses feelings towards the adoptee was. What everyone in society's attitudes towards adoptees are. Those attitudes are as varied as the number of people that have the attiudes and most of them thought it was?is ok to let me know HOW it should be, or how I should feel! That got me thinking about PW and I agree I hate the word "wound" its to drastic in my case. But I do beleive SOMETHING happens when an infant is seperated from their mother, when a person is not brought up with biological family, when the most basic of information is illegel for us to obtain, when our quest of knowledge could be hurtful to SOMEONE...if we are not as senstive to everyone else in the equation as others feel we should be...and it goes on. I also feel that if in fact there is a "wound" that would can be healed. I also don't like being defined by one or 2 books. Therre are many variables that make up a person and for me one of them happens to be that I was adopted. Born of one family brought up by another. I like the gall bladder analogy...for some its a non healing supurtive wound, for others its a tiny paper cut. Ok, think I can read the book now. I never did before because one...I am not a big fan of self help books as I think a lot of them are really just opinions of the writer. Everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt ...IMO. Don't even trust stats as I feel those can be maniputlated also. "@2..A peice of me was afraid I would identify too much and blow my little mind!!LOL. But I know I can read it with some objectivity.

In her discussion about what to do as an adoptee in PW and how to conquer these emotions and feelings, the first thing Nancy says to do is to stop feeling like a victim. Take control, grieve, express your anger/sadness/deep emotions, but continuting to feel vicitimized only adds to the problem. jwmjwm: I never hope bad on anyone. I hope there are adoptees that live life with no negative effects of the adoption. I thought I was one of them for most of my life, but I was wrong. My "ignorant" remark was for adopting agencies, parents, counselors, etc... When dealing with children in adoption, to assume that everything will be fine and you can "love them out of it", doesn't work. I apologize for being unclear on that and if it sounded like I said you were ignorant. Greg.

lalgee, Just thought I'd let you know that your post made me smile. I had my gallbladder out 3 weeks ago and I'm still at home recovering! Yep, it's a wound alright. 30 staples and drainage tubes. Yuck!

I have read Primal Wound, and have even discussed it on a book club thread. There were parts of the book that I was really able to relate to, there were other parts of the book that meant nothing to me. Like many said before me, take what applies...leave what doesn't...but realize that others might be able to "take" what we left...doesn't make someone "right" or "wrong" just human!!!! The thing is, even in the realm of adoption, each person has their own unique experience. We are all born with different personality types, different things happened to us along our life. ALL of these things, including our adoption, plays a PART in who we become. Our parents, how we are raise, where we are raised, what is expected of us, also plays a PART of in who we become. I think that Primal Wound highlights ways that SOME adoptees have "reacted" to one PART of their life, that often times other life events contribute to those feelings as well. Perhaps the child that never gets picked for any games will feel rejected. They happen to be an adoptee. So they take that rejection, and then think about how their bmom "didn't want them either" (NOT saying that that is the truth...just the truth as the adoptee sees it at that point in their life) So, then what happens, the fact that they aren't chosen in baseball, reiterates how they may have been feeling about their adoption...nobody wants me...I'm not good enough.....and thus the cycle begins.. Disclaimer...I AM USING THIS AS AN EXAMPLE of HOW an adoptee MIGHT feel this way. NOT saying ALL adoptees or even MOST feel this way. BUT some do. SOME have these kind of experiences that "feed the fire" of their view of them being "rejected". I think that it is a good thing to learn different theories. Just because you read something, doesn't mean you have to believe if for the truth. I do, however, wonder why adoptive parents wouldn't want to read the book based ONLY on the reason they don't want to think of their child maybe having a "wound". I think that a responsible parent might learn how their child MIGHT feel. She does have some good points in her book...about acknowledging the loss, ect.

part of me thinks that if she used a more subtle title the book wouldnt be quite as popular. i mean a catchy title is more apt to leap off the shelf at you and lets face it a lot of people do judge books by their cover. its kind of like the author j.k. rowling (the harry potter books) she doesnt go by her real name because she is a woman and felt that if she did her books would be less popular. p.s. im not picking on you. lol. what you said just made me think. <3

I haven't read the book, yet...it's on order and I am currently waiting for its delivery. I have read several others and am curious as to what this book has to say. I can't say that I have felt wounded throughout my life, but I always "knew" that I would search for my bfamily. I am happy to say that I did reunite with my bmom 14 years ago. We have had a good relationship through the years until about a year ago when she just stopped calling me or even returning my calls. I am trying to give her space since I'm not sure that there might be "issues" (there's that word again) about our reunion that she of the rest of her family might be dealing with. She still does email me occasionally. Sorry, getting off of my original thought there. I have for the last several years though, been depressed and not really figuring out why. It did get very black earlier this year. I later came across an article on the internet that helped me put 2 and 2 together. The article is An Adoptees Perspective: Happy Adoptees. I related so well to that and then started my pursuit for answers about me. I found this site shortly thereafter and have noticed that I feel that I have started to acknowledge the hurt and can maybe start to heal whatever is still hurting after 45 years. I look forward to reading this book, not to look at the gaping "wound", or to feel that I'm "damaged", but as a place to start learning to recognize myself and heal.

:o) !!!thank you - no higher compliment than for someone to say I made them smile!get well!

Hi all. I just stumbled upon this thread, even though I see that it is an old one. I haven't read the book yet, but I am intrigued and want to get it. However, I've read a lot about it on the internet and I've also read some of Nancy Verrier's articles on the internet. I was adopted but I didn't know it until I was 30. Growing up I always felt very very very sad, a very deep sadness that never went away, I felt as if my mother were dead even though, obviously, she wasn't, since she was right there. I didn't know why I felt that way, there was no reason for me to feel that way. I thought maybe I was psychic and I was predicting my mother's imminent death and that deep down inside me I had decided to grieve for her before she died, so it wouldn't hurt so much when what I thought was a "premonition" finally happened.

I also had a lot a fear of abandonment. Once again, since I didn't know I was adopted, it just made no sense to me. My mother said I couldn't sleep at night as a baby because I used to stay awake all night long and just look at her. I didn't close my eyes, I just lay there and looked at her all night long and only fell asleep maybe at dawn because I couldn't help it! And lots of other little things like that, that made no sense. For example, once when I was very small I got lost and I couldn't find my mother. I had a real panic attack and a hysterical fit. Of course, we understand that most kids would get a bit scared if they got lost, but from what I've observed of other children, if they get lost, they get a bit scared, but they also seem to have this conviction that sooner or later their mother will find them (which is usually exactly what happens). However, I really went crazy. I was convinced that I had lost my mother forever and I would never see her again. However, I don't think that these "issues", or that issues that adoptees are supposed to have, were or are major influences in my life. I think that, the way I was raised (by my afamily) and the experiences I had growing up, had a LOT more and profounder effect on me than being adopted. I am SO GLAD that someone like Nancy Verrier has taken all the care and trouble to investigate this subject so much in depth. I think it's SO IMPORTANT to be able to fully recognize, admit and acknowledge that adoptees CAN have issues that non-adoptees won't have, even if not ALL adoptees are going to all have the same issues. But I'm sure that ALL adoptees will have SOME issues that non-adoptees won't have. I personally don't feel mad at my bmother, and I'm not interested in knowing about her. I was born in a very poor country and I don't believe I would've received a great upbringing there. I don't think my bmother would've had the education or the economic resources to raise me right. I think that I am who I am, enjoying the life that I have today, THANKS to my beloved amom! The main things that have made me mad are that I couldn't find out anything about my bmom because I was born in a Third World country whose language I don't even speak! Policies are different there than in North America, and there they WON'T disclose information about adopted children. What I find most frustrating about this is not being able to have access to medical records. I don't need to know anything about my bmom, but I'd sure like to know if maybe she or her ancestors suffered from some horrible, devastating, genetic disease, so I can be prepared for it!! Anyways, I think that, of course, being abandoned by your bmom would give you some issues. But I don't think ALL adoptees are going to have ALL the issues. I DO think it is so important that people like Nancy Verrier are daring to address the issues that we COULD have, and I know that what she writes in her book explains so many things about me that nothing else has ever been able to. I realize that probably adoptees are not going to see this book the same way as an adoptive parent or a bmom would. It's so great that someone finally validates the things that adoptees feel, though!