Trying to Cope...

I'm new here and was directed here by another adoptive parent who has been helping my husband and I in our adoption journey. 9 months ago we started our journey when I came across a waiting child ad and instantly fell in love with a beautiful special needs girl who was very much like the girl I have babysat for 6 years. I just knew she was meant to be our daughter. Unfortunately the adoption agency required a 5 year length of marriage. My husband and I have known each other for 12 years, but just married last year after finishing college and starting our careers...we thought that would be a positive thing for the agency and at first they were very supportive, but after we started our homestudy and sent in the application fees they started changing their tune. And several months later after we had all the medical records and pictures and nursery ready they said the country she lived in would probably not chose us, but we could give it a try for about another $3000, but they didn't give us much hope. We went to another agency that also worked with the orphanage, with a better response to us, but my husband was concerned we would spend all the money and not have an advocate there fighting for us. The agency chose another family, and that was our introduction to adoption. We tried to conceive a few more months until the doctors said it just won't happen short of an act of God. So we finished our homestudy and were going to pursue private domestic adoption for a year b/c almost all the agencies required at least 2 years of marriage...and then we got a call from a friend. She had just talked to an agency and they had a 2 week old boy with special needs. We called the agency immediately and they told us all about him. The director came to our house from out of state, he told us what they knew and my husband and I finally let ourselves believe he was going to be our son. The agency told us he was ours as soon as we gave our final answer, but they wanted us to see a specialist first about his condition. I had convinced myself that there was nothing the Dr's could say that would change my mind, boy was I wrong. I truly believe the agency told us what they knew, but the dr's gave a much different outlook on his diagnosis and day to day needs. He was going to have CP, be blind, non-verbal, seizures, and a feeding tube soon. I couldn't breathe as I sat there listening and I saw the MRI and I almost cried there with the Dr. but I held it in until I got to my car. I had grown to love this little boy with my whole heart, we had waited on pictures until the agency said he was ours and up until about 3 days before the doctors appointment because I was trying to guard my heart from heart break again. It didn't take pictures for us to fall in love with him, he was already our son in our hearts and minds. We redecorated the nursery from a girls room to boys, we registered b/c our families had been planning baby showers. We were going to keep his name and I had already signed a gift for another shower with his name next to ours. My husband and I cried and prayed that night about what to do. We knew we couldn't give him everything he would need for the rest of his life. We wouldn't have the best insurance when I quite work to stay with him and we knew how much he would need surgeries, therapies and medication. My heart has never ached like this before. It's been 2 weeks and I still can't stop crying. My husband had to call the agency with our decision because I just couldn't speak, I never thought I could say no to a child. But if we couldn't meet all of his needs we truly felt like he deserved the best in life and we weren't it right now. Since then I can't get out of this funk. I go back and forth with our decision. I can't get happy and I can't seem to move on. I know there is a child out there for us, but I feel like we are constantly punished for not being married long enough or for waiting to marry b/c we wanted our educations and steady incomes before we married. We are back to square one and I feel more lost than ever. Will this pain every go away? Will I ever feel at peace with our decision? Will I get to be a mommy? :(