Building relationships between adoptees and bsiblings

Hey Kathy, I could speak loads about brothers and sisters as I have a ton of them as you know but about reunion stuff...well...you are the guru in that one. I am tottering along behind you. But I wanted to wish your daughter happiness. And you too! This reunion road you walk is not an easy one I know. But you walk it well my good friend! Hugs to you always! :-) Janey

My bson does not have much of a relationship with my second and third born.. But he did meet up with my sisters son who was born the same year.. they seem to have a lot in common.. I think they have talked more intimately than I have talked with my bson.. but I may be wrong.. I am thinking it may be a culture difference.. my sister son is more attuned to his world.. my kids are rebels.. and do not fit in the normal stream of society.. Jackie

As you know, I'm not a Bmom, but I have developed pretty good relationships with my Bsibs on Bmom's side. My Bsis is 10 years younger than I. We talk on the phone at least once a week, well, we at least call each other once a week. Sometimes it turns into phone tag. WE've gone shopping, to the movies, and other usual things like that. When she was younger, she would come spend the night/weekend with me. She lives about two hours from me now, so sometimes we plan to meet up at some fun event. It's hard to get together sometimes because of our busy schedules and the distance between us. She calls me when she is down or mad, and needs someone to talk to. I call her when I need to get my mind off things for a while. She was my maid of honor when I married my husband, and when she gets married I will be her maid of honor as well. We are sisters. My Bbro is 13 years younger. It's harder with him. He stinks at calling, moves so much, I can't keep up with him. When he was younger, I went to his football games. When he got mad at his mom and dad, he would call me and ask me to help him. He always wanted me to "talk" to them. I took him to his first "rock" concert, an event he still carries on about today. We had a blast even with the age difference. Before he came of age, he would try to get me to buy beer for him, take him to clubs, and other stuff like that. I would, on a very rare occasion, do so. I always kept a very close eye on him. He wasn't allowed to get out of hand. Wehn he was a teen, he would always want me to come to parties because I was his "cool" big sister. He wasn't fooling me. No 18 year-old young man really wants to hang out with a 30 year-old woman he is related to, unless he wants her to buy him beer. lol I certainly didn't want to hang out with a house full of drunk 18 year olds. lol I think it was a fairly typical brother sister relationship. He lives about five hours away from me now, so we don't see each other much, but we always have fun together when we do get together. Unfortunately, Bmom has very little to do with our relationships. My Bsis and I had a two hour long talk a few months back about the whole adoption/reunion thing, about our mom, and how she has acted over the years. It's the first time we had ever actually "talked" about all of it. She told me that before she found out about me, she used to lie in her bed and pray for a sister. She said she knew she had a sister somewhere, and then I showed up. I started crying when she said that. I can tell you this: hearing her say that makes all the things/pain worth it.Seeing my bsibs response to their mother at my Bbro's recent wedding when she so completely ostrasized me was, well, words can't say what that meant to me. For the thre of us, the term "birth sibling" no longer exist. It's just plane old sister and brother.

I can only speak as a 3rd party here. My eldest nephew found my eldest niece on myspace a few months back. The family (my brothers) went to meet E and her Mom and friends and E went to visit my brother and family. They, the kids, talk every to every other day and get along wonderfully.

My reunited daughter Jessica who'll turn 23 in Jan. is almost 6 years older than my twin daughters but they share many of the same interests; ie: clothes, music, TV shows, movies, books and magazines, etc. They started out great, an outsider looking in would never have imagined they didn't grow up together. During the roller coaster ride of reunion my placed daughter did some things that her 1/2 sister simply hasn't been able to forgive her for, yet. They still socialize but the relationship isn't as close as it once was or as I wish it were. The other twin loves her to death. They get along wonderfully well which creates tension between the twins who've never had this to contend with until now. Jessica was raised as an only child so she is new at this. Luckily they all adore my 2 month old son and all are great Big Sister's and spoil him rotten. Things are getting better but there is room for improvement. Tracy

Jackie Kudos to them, Jackie!!! :-) Shadow Riderer Three cheers for you guys!! I have half & step bros/sisters.....we're all just family to each other. So glad for that. :-) Janey

Janey, Thanks. You said what I was thinking.As Bmom/mom, I'm sort of on the outside looking in but I get the impression that "my" three are the same way. S & D are more in contact because they both have young children and because of their personalities. J is much more loosely connected, but that's how he is with everyone. I keep hoping that D's half brother on his bdad's side will also connect. (Both of D's brothers have the initials JMK and the same first name.) J2 (still in his 20s) feels he has too much on his plate right now to add a new brother to the mix.

Although they've only met twice (the first F2F in our house and when we went out to their home) and we live on opposite coasts, J and his bsis seemed to bond almost immediately. They are 19 (J) and 17 (sis) now, but they keep in fairly frequent contact online and occasionally by phone. They openly say they love and miss each other and wish they lived closer. They hate that they are bro and sis, but part of two different family units 3000 miles apart. With the little brother, it's not as close at this point. He didn't come out for the first meeting (he wanted to, but his parents decided that only the sis would go) which set him "behind" the sis from the beginning (in terms of familiarity and closeness). Also, J has a little bro with us so the sister was an exciting new thing for him. And little bbro is 13 and somewhat shy so he's either reluctant to initiate things or when he does it's a junior high braggy thing and can come off awkwardly. Even when we were out there, bbro would look at his dad and ask a question about J, who would be standing right there. Dad would redirect him to ask J directly. I wonder sometimes whether J and bbro will ever have the same closeness that he and sis have and I hope that bbro doesn't feel hurt or sense too closely the difference in relationship. J does a really good job at being an affirming "big brother" to him when they do interact, but he admits that he doesn't feel bonded to him yet as he does to sis. He cares for him, he just doesn't "feel" like immediate family to him in the way that sis does. But it's early days, and they've only met once.

When I first read this I read it from the perspective of an amom who is trying to navigate the beginning of relationships between my 13 year old son (and 12 year old son who is more resistant to contact) and their 15 year old half brother we just met in July. Although they got along wonderfully and quite close during the week we were together, there has been no contact since. No emails, no phone calls no nothing and I dont know what to do about it. THen I realized -- heh -- I am also a reunited sister. Duh. And although I had a fairly close relationship with my sister for the first 5 years or so of reunion, we havent seen each other or spoke in at least 7 years now. I DO however have facebook contact with her daughter, my neice.