To the Adoptees that couldn't bond with their AP's

Stormster, I will have to get the book, I love to learn, another passion my dad and I shared. My parents were/are exceptional individuals who never 'went with the norm' unless it was right to them. I hope that made sense, they looked for the reality of the situation, not the pat answers. Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you everyone for such honest responses and for sharing truth about your relationship. :-) I was wondering then if some of you were unable to form a bond if it had nothing to do with adoption but just because you had personality differences or because you did not have common interests and passions with your a.parents? Something that could easily happen with first parents too .

hi Momto1.. thought I'd break this down a bit for your viewing pleasure :) I may be assuming and be totally wrong but were these adults adopted as older children and not infancy? I was in foster care only for a few months. I have bonding problems - not only with my adoptive-parents, but with people in general. Studies show it takes approximately 4 hours for an infant who's separated from it's mother at birth to go into shock (from anger & crying, to hopeless withdrawal) & then decide inside that the world is not a safe place. The fact is that adopted infants did indeed bond with their bio-mother inutero - thus the perception to the infant is that he/she has been abandoned by the one who mattered the most. Were their AP's around for them when they were growing up.Did their A.parents give them unconditional love? As wonderful as unconditional love towards an adoptee is, the damage to the emotional core of the child will remain damaged to an extent until healing is sought out. Was it a transracial adoption? This may compound the feeling of being different & 'not belonging' but in essence is not the cause of the inability to bond. Were the parents as old as what one would define as grand parents and thus there was a huge generation gap? This factor wouldn't have a bearing on the damage created at time of separation from the biological mother, though age could compound a feeling of not belonging moreso. Did your parents always share the truth about your adoption or were you struck out of the blue about the facts of your adoption ? I always knew - from the time I can remember I always knew. My adoptive parents were good about that. You are wise to tell your little one right from the start

I may be assuming and be totally wrong but were these adults adopted as older children and not infancy ? I, like your daughter, went straight from the hospital to my A-parents - 3 days old. They were considered my "foster" parents until final adoption 6 months later. Were their AP's around for them when they were growing up.Did their A.parents give them unconditional love? My A-parents were very self-absorbed and treated me like one of the dogs we raised. They had their "adult" activities every day - Work, Bingo, Baseball and Bowling, that I was either dragged along to or left with a babysitter. I was more the adult than them.I got myself ready for school from middle-Kindergarten on and from fourth grade made my father his morning coffee before getting myself ready (while a"mother" slept in). Took care of myself and tried to mediate their arguments and keep myself out of abusive amother's way. Was it a transracial adoption? No Were the parents as old as what one would define as grand parents and thus there was a huge generation gap? In late 20s(M) and early 30s (F) when adopted me Did your parents always share the truth about your adoption or were you struck out of the blue about the facts of your adoption ? Was one thing they did RIGHT - told me stories abt being adopted with me as main character and so I grew up knowing I was adopted. One thing I will NEVER forgive my amother for is that when I was 13 she got angry with my afather and told me that I was my father's idea to adopt - SHE did not want someone else's brat! (her words). "Amother" physically, emotionally and verbally abused me from pre-schooler on and continued to do so until I moved away from my hometown and broke contact with the whole adoptive family.

PS to post above - I DO NOT think any of your reasons are valid at least in my case, "Mom to one...". The female adoptive "parent" 's reaction to me from early childhood on was the major reason I did not "bond" with her. I DID feel like I had bonded with the male adoptive "parent" until, when I was in my 40s, he blamed ME for the childhood friction betwen his wife and I. When I asked why he never stopped her abuse, he asked why I didn't do something to make things good. I replied that I was a child when it all happened (she is a bully and stopped the physical abuse - for the most part - when I grew older and tried to protect myself) and that it SHOULD have been HIS responsibility to solve the problem -or HERS! - but NOT mine - I was the child who needed protecting!

I bonded with my parents very well. Their love for me was never a question. Talk about unconditional love - that is not limited to genetics and me and my mom and dad were proof of that. As a teenager I sure did my share of acting out and rebelling. Looking back on it I may have been testing the limits to see how far I could go and still have their parental love. Maybe I did this in response to all of the emotions of being adopted. I'm thinking that was the case. But my parents never gave up on me and were always there no matter what. I do feel that no matter how bonded an adoptee is with their parents there is still knoweldge of and suffering from the absence of the bond to our bparents. This is something that aparents cannot solve for us, no matter how close we are to them. It is just a part of who we are as adoptees. For aparents I would just say to love your children, bond with your children, support your children. You are the parents - the ones that are there for us. You are the ones who raise us, shape us, instill morals and values in us and have the greatest impact on who we are. Don't allow our emotions concerning being adopted and our feelings towards our bparents to take away from our bond to you in your eyes because it doesn't in our eyes. Just support your achildren and acknowledge our feelings about adoption. And in the end if we do search out and reunite with our bparents please dont think that is a reflection on a lack or bond or our love for you, because it's not. As an adult my parents were my very best friends. I wish that they were here now for me to confide in and give me the reassurance of their love during my search. I hope that other aparents will provide this to their adopted children.

I also wanted to add that there are many children who were not adopted and do not bond with their parents in the way that I did. Nature vs. nurture - an age-old question. I think both play a role in all of us, but in the end I believe that quality parents are the ones that have the best relationships with their children, whether natural born or adopted.

ReOcB42008- I don't know what to say. But i felt so sad. I have an Aunt who adopted her daughter at birth and my cousin has complained about similar things. I personally hate that Aunt because she is truly screwed up and has a screwed up relationship with my mom(her sister) and her own mom (my grams)too. She complains all the things about her daughter she disapproves of on my cousins genes. She has often blamed my mom for encouraging her to adopt too. My cousin is 17 and a normal teanager who found out from a neighbour she was adopted at 11. You can imagine who badly she acted out then. But this Aunt of mine was never there for her and always verbally and emotionally abused her behaviour on her genes. Called her un-gratefull and all the worst things. Infact i never had the chance to spend quality time with my kid cousin , but i want her to know i am there for her. I called her yesterday inviting her for my dd's b'day and telling her we should talk. I feel are bond is stronger now that i have adopted too. Anyways, i went off topic. :-) Thx for sharing your story though.

You are aware and have asked questions...I know nothing about your life but could you consider having a "me" day for each child on a regular basis (once a month in rotation a child picks the activity or?) where they chose what they want to do as a family? You could start with a list of activities for them to chose from and you could include some of the things that you have found he is interested in, in that list? I think if you tried that and all agreed to participate happily and it is working you could then ask for suggestions to add to the list to pick from?That's my idea for your son to feel included and have an equal say when it is the childrens choice? I think it is something that would make sense and make them feel part of the family. Hope that came out right.Kind regards,Dickons

I was adopted from infancy. My adoptive parents were always around, but I've always felt I was never good enough for them...not what they wanted. My grades were never good enough, if I got anything below an A (90+) it wasn't good enough. I've never really been a girly girl much to my adoptive mom's dismay, not the "typical girl". The list goes on. Nope. My APs were 38 and 44 when they adopted me. I've basically always known about being adopted. It's a mixed thing. I feel that my adoptive mom points out that I'm adopted far too much, introducing me to people as her adopted daughter and that sort of thing. Like she might as well be saying "anything you don't like about her isnt my fault". I've never been close to my APs, but I have a feeling that that would be the case even if I was their biological child. They were never emotionally available and my adoptive father basically raised me as a "traditional boy", that is to say that emotions are bad and that sort of thing. I think that as long as you let your child know that you love and accept him just the way he is. Don't treat him differently just because he's adopted, and don't introduce him solely as your "adopted child"...at least for me that just reinforces the feeling that my APs don't really want me.

That was very nicely put! :)

I may be assuming and be totally wrong but were these adults adopted as older children and not infancy ? NO - both my brother & I were 6 weeks old when placed Were their AP's around for them when they were growing up.Did their A.parents give them unconditional love? YES - always - before, during and after all the heart ache my brother caused. Was it a transracial adoption? NO Were the parents as old as what one would define as grand parents and thus there was a huge generation gap? BY WHOSE STANDARD - back then, yes - they were 35 & 38 when my brother and I were adopted, but by todays standard that's not old for couples starting a family. Did your parents always share the truth about your adoption or were you struck out of the blue about the facts of your adoption ? YES - the truth was always there from 1st memory.I asked these questions above as these might be assumptions on why an Adoptee failed to bond with their AP. No, I don't feel that these assumptions are correct. I connected and I was the younger one with "older" parents. My brother never connected with anyone.

After being on this site for years, my assumption is that his lack of connection goes back to the womb. We don't know what his cirumstances were. The story I was told turns out wasn't my story, so perhaps my parents mixed them up. The story was - she's was approximate 14-15 yrs old, walked into the hospital, gave birth, walked out never looking back.

We are told that a fetus responds to music and voices, so it must respond to love - if you don't want this child, this child must know somehow, and this is why I think some children connect and others don't

I may be assuming and be totally wrong but were these adults adopted as older children and not infancy ? I was adopted as an infant, less that a week old. Were their AP's around for them when they were growing up.Did their A.parents give them unconditional love? My Ap were always around, but the was no unconditional love, I really think that they never accepted us as their "real" children. Was it a transracial adoption? no. Were the parents as old as what one would define as grand parents and thus there was a huge generation gap?AP mom, early 30's, AP dad Late 40's. Did your parents always share the truth about your adoption or were you struck out of the blue about the facts of your adoption ? I was told at a young age that I was adopted, unfortunitaly there were many, many lies told about the circumstances of why, to this day I can't get the truth. .I asked these questions above as these might be assumptions on why an Adoptee failed to bond with their AP. Did I bond with my AP, no at that time I do not think that anyone realized that an infant could grieve being separated from BM, AP did not get over her not bonding with me. Thanks for asking these questions, I am so new to the search of self, that it is good to look at these things in a new way. Robynn

I was adopted as a tiny baby and my parents were "older". I was always told that I was adopted and I did bond with my parents and loved them with all of my heart. Having said that, my aparents and I were very, very different. My dad especially was very outgoing and very socially oriented. I loved nothing more than to curl up with a book. My dad actually wondered why I was so different and preferred the outgoing kids that I hung with. As I got older my parents couldn't understand why I didn't want to entertain constantly as they did. And actually got upset with me when I wouldn't have a new home party for their friends when we built a new house! Although I felt very close to my parents and still do even though they are both deceased, I have realized that there was nothing "wrong" with me as I once thought but that I was just much different than my aparents and my personality is much more like my birthfamily. I guess what I'm trying to say is embrace your child's differences and love them for who they are even though that may be different than what you may be used to. It sounds as though you are already on the right track and that is wonderful. snuffie

I am a Social Worker and a Mother of 3 adopted older children. I have never worked with attachment disorder (I work in HIV) but studied it in school. Usually this occurs in older children who have been neglected as babies. Since you adopted after 3 days there should not be a problem and this was not enough time for the child to be effected by any neglect. If a child did have attachment disorder, Alternative Therapist would have parents try to bond with the child by going back to early stages of development, where bonding begins, feeding. The recommend that you hold your child on your lab and feed them, making eye contact with them, as one would do with a new born. This sounds crazy but has worked for a friend of mine. My second son age 11, was neglected by his 3rd caregiver around age (7-9) he shows no sign of attachment disorder, just trust issues. I make sure that he knows that he is safe and cared for and that seems to have helped him attach to me.