Not telling his parents

It does take time and you may discover more as time goes on. I learned just this week from a bio aunt that E's other bio Aunt had a heart attack at 18 and has had a pacemaker ever since. Same with his Grandfather (well not 18 but serious heart disease). I really do think his bmother thought she told me whatever we needed to know but she never even mentioned this! So it' snot a perfect process even when promises ARE kept.

You're assuming that Katie's bdad lied to Ed. Have you considered the possibility that this may be a case of procrastination instead?? He may very well have meant it when he said he would write down his medical history. And then for some reason, he didn't follow through. I've been guilty of procrastinating during my lifetime. I try not to do it, but it's something I have to fight in myself...it can become a bad habit. When I was first asked to send a detailed medical history to the agency when they first contacted me back in 1985, I sat on it for several months. Every time I looked at my typewriter, I felt overwhelmed...and guilty. Who wants to admit that their genes may have contributed to their child's difficulties in life? The other problem I had with completing the history is that I wanted it to be comprehensive, complete, and perfect. At the same time, I was dealing with all the psychological crap that I had avoided when I placed DS for adoption. The whole thing just overwhelmed me for several months. I finally got my history together, written down, and mailed off. I'm glad that the agency or DS's parents never accused me of lying to them... I don't think anyone is making excuses for Katie's bdad here. I think people are merely pointing out possible reasons for his behavior. Just my two cents, for what it's worth...

Isn't that the truth? I would imagine too when someone has a family member with a major health issue or they themselves, alot of time their first thought isn't I need to get this sent off immediately to my child's parents. My dad has gone through SO much, and really, all you can do at the time is focus on them. If you asked me to list all the stuff that dad has had wrong with him in the past fifteen years, I MAYBE would get 80 percent of it. During a time of emotional stress, even less.

Raven, I hear you. But it sounds like Katie's bdad had a reason to know based on problems she was having that this information was really important (it's not just academic at this point, you know). And in that sense I don't think "procrastination" is a great "reason." And to be honest, I have seen a parents get excorciated for not responding to birth parents within days, etc. So it does kind of feel like a "double standard" sometimes (I understand obviously the pain/grieving that may come from birth parents having to respond but frankly right now I am "waiting" for the third thing DD's birth mom has promised and not delivered....How can I ever tell DD to expect anything, you know? What about her pain?). Belle, 10 months later and DH still hasn't rec'd any acknowledgment from his birth mom and that blows too. I guess what I am saying is no matter what, RESPOND! haha My DD's birth mom thankfully has been great about updating us about medical stuff (e.g., birth dad's grandparents sadly both were dx'ed with cancer...I mean this wouldn't be vital to know NOW, but I'm glad I have it for DD).

It's been four years since I wrote to her, and nothing. My brother told me he would give me a call in a few weeks, that was the very beginning of July, and nothing. I guess I have decided that all I can do is follow through with what I say I will do and let the cards fall where they may and try to remember that it isn't me, because really, on this adoption stuff, no one seems to want to communicate with me too badly.

I haven't posted in a while (hello people!) but this thread strikes a chord because I am a birthparent, in a semi open adoption who's parents do not know about their granddaughter. And my parents are completely 100% functional. Completely normal and loving. Why didn't I tell them? Point blank: I was 17 and scared. I felt that I had let them down and I was uncharacteristically irresponsible. I felt a sense of needing to rectify that on my own. I did not want to burden anyone or embarrass anyone with my "problem". I also knew the only way I would be at peace with my decision was if I made it 120% on my own. That likely would not have happened. My ex boyfriend did not tell his parents either, likely for the same reasons. My daughter's mother knew this going in. She never once pressured either of us to confess. She simply never got involved in that aspect of it. Then again, we both had full disclosure about everything we knew about our histories, and did anything asked for the sake of our daughter. Today (16 years later) my parents still don't know, but his does. It seems I am more involved in the adoption that he is. The fact that my parents don't know has no bearing on my relationship with my daughter's family. I have provided an updated medical history, and have shared numerous photos of my family, sent cards etc. In my situation, the two are exclusive of one another. Part of it is procrastination, I keep saying that I need to work up to telling them (it's hard, trust me!) but the other part is boundary related. It's been challenging building this relationship with my DD's a-mom and that's been between the two of us. I know my family would want in on it as well in as far as direct contact and that would complicate things ten fold. Forget the fact that my DD is not ready for contact, I know my family would have a hard time respecting that. They mean well. Too well. Right now, I'm in the mindset that I will tell them if/when my DD shows an interest. My daughter's mother respects this. However, if I was in a position where my keeping this secret would jeopardize the relationship with my DD, or anything else for that matter, I would absolutely fess up. Ed, I think your issue is less with the fact that he hasn't told his parents than with the fact that he has not followed through with what you have asked of him. I don't blame you one bit for being upset with him for not complying, and I do understand that it's vitally important that Katie have that info. I'm not adopted and my parents tell me my history piecemeal all the time and it frustrates me. IMO, the problem is that he is being irresponsible, regardless of the fact that he is 27 and should know better. However, at 27, going to his parents isn't appropriate, it's confrontational. I so understand that you would go to every length for your girl, (and rightfully so!) but unless it is a life or death situation, you risk complete alienation from b-dad, and potentially risk all access to any info at all. Which would be the worst case. For everyone. Is there a way to have a rational conversation with him about how his "lax" attitude could hurt Katie, and why it's so important he keep his promises? Is it possible that he isn't mature enough to see the ramifiacations? I just think that telling his parents won't solve the problem, since it is likely that their not knowing isn't the root of the problem, KWIM? I wish you luck!

Loveajax, I do understand why it was so important for Katie's bdad to come forth with his family medical history. And I am in no way excusing him. I was merely pointing out that he may very well have not been lying, but rather procrastinating. I don't see procrastination as a "great reason"...I was just trying to say that procrastinating is different than lying. One thing that hasn't been brought up yet is the possibility that bdad has trouble writing things down...some people have an incredible amount of difficulty putting things into writing. Maybe an oral interview about his medical history might be the way to go? Just an idea... I know what you mean...I've seen it go both ways on the forums. I always feel a bit uncomfortable when allegations of "double standards" are brought up here. It reminds me of being in grade school and my little brother got the bigger half of the candybar. I don't mean to belittle this problem by using this analogy. The thing is, I just hate seeing any type of chalkboard being used to tally up points between adoptive parents and birth parents. We've all had pain, grief, and loss in some form, no matter which side of the triad we come from. I am so disappointed that DH never heard back from his birthmother. I remember when he sent her the letter...it was written so nicely and respectfully. I think maybe enough time has elapsed for another letter, reminding her that he's still waiting for a response. If you'd like, I would be more than willing to act as an intermediary. Sometimes bmoms from the closed era of adoptions are able to reach other bmoms from the same time period in a way that is non-threatening. If you're interested, just PM me. :loveyou:

I get what you are saying and it does make sense. However, if your ds was sick or something else equally as important and his parents contacted you, I know you would move Heaven and Earth to help him. It's possible that katie's bdad is grieving terribly, and that is very sad, but when her dad calls and says "katie is having seizures and we really need the info you said you would get for us ASAP" his grief should be put aside. And yes, the medical info may not help one bit, but if there is just a small chance that it will help, do your best to follow through and get the info! Belle, you ARE a very special person. Don't let anyone make you feel less of a person. You are an important person in his life. The very fact that you want to be in his life is awsome and should be appreciated! You are correct in that our adoption is new. And yes, it feels so much "older" than it actually is. I realize that ds's bmom is grieving and she needs time to work out her feelings, but she needs to consider ds's feelings too. Right now he is too young for anything she doesn't follow through with to affect him, but soon enough he will be old enough to understand. I pray that when that day comes, she will be in a better place and more stable in her own life. For both of their sakes, as well as her other children's.

raven, thank you for your offer...you are a sweetheart!

Having finally gotten around to reading this whole thread, I think it's really important to seperate the two issues. #1 - Birthfather hasn't told his family #2 - Birthfather hasn't followed through on promises such as providing up to date medical information While it's easy to link the two, they're two VERY different issues. I've offerred medical information, beyond what I provided at the hospital, and D hasn't been interested. Thank goodness nothing has happened to Cupcake, but I still think it's pretty important. I have some allergies to medicines (uh, penicilin!?!) and wanted to make sure D knew about stuff like that. It was important to me because it dealt with my daughter's health too! Now, having said that, my parents don't know about Cupcake. I wasn't young like Brown was, I was 23 when I got pregnant. But that didn't change the fact that I was scared, ashamed, and confused. And I wanted the placement to be on my terms. That wouldn't have happened with my Mom involved. My Mom - who is wonderful, loving, caring, supportive, an amazing grandma to her 15 grandkids, who would be a great addition to Cupcake's life and wouldn't do anything to hurt her or be of negative influence - doesn't know about Cupcake. So, if my Mom (and whole family) are SO great, why don't they know? Why aren't they involved? When I don't receive a response to an email from D, I wait. I bring my frustrations here. I blog. My Mom? Would call D every day. My Mom wouldn't be able to adhere to barriers. This is her grandchild, and I don't believe my Mom would be able to understand that she is, and that she isn't. That it's not her place to bake Cupcake her birthday cake or buy her way too many presents like she does all the other grandkids. That she's not going to have slumber parties with Cupcake and take her to Disneyland to see the fake snow this Christmas. My Mom would want to be "grandma" - but that's not how it always works in adoption. So I protect me, and D, and my Mom from all that. And maybe it sounds crazy to someone not on this end of things - but it's hard. The other truth is that I'm not ready to have Cupcake's adoption be in everyone's eyes at all our holiday get togethers. To see the pain and sadness in my Mom's eyes every time she looks at me. I need my Mom to be my safe haven away from adoption sometimes. Someday I hope to be able to tell my Mom, and if Cupcake wants that I can't imagine turning her request down. But for me, right now, it needs to be on my timeline. I can say that should they find out about Cupcake from D, in anything less than a life or death situation, I would be furious, betrayed, and a trust would be broken that I cannot imagine repairing.

Brown and thanksgivingmom, thanks for posting, your posts were what this thread needed.... Our situation with #2 is very similar, extended bfamiles were great, but they would have wanted to 'help' and that is not what the bmom and bdad needed or wanted. Bmom thought her mom would want to help by taking custody (formally or not) of the kids she already had, so she could handle the baby - and she did not want that to happen. So they kept it secret.... No pressure from us to make them tell - ever.... We do have full medicals from them both - and are very grateful for that. Actually, what we have are what the young birthparents knew, and who, when they are 17, knows if their paternal grandfather, who passed away a long time ago, had heart disease... We are happy with what we have... Just my $.02.... Have a great weekend everyone! Mega

Belle, I just wanted to say that even if it doesn't feel like your son's a parents want to communicate with you too badly, your son will KNOW someday all the efforts you took, you know? It's hard to see that now when the kids are so small. Tmom and Brown, I would not have told my family either (my mom would totally "take over"). And I know if your daughters wanted to meet your families someday, you would want that too.

Firstly, I have to confess that I disagree with open adoptions. I don't think it gives anyone a clean start to move on or begin anew, and IMO is similar to reopening a wound that isn't allowed to heal. We all know that people can have a change of heart - possibly it's too painful for the bmom/bdad to keep reopening this wound even though they know they promised certain things, that now they can't deliver on.. As for Ed and his daughter, Possibly this Bdad wishes it wasn't an open adoption and he could just move on. Especially if he is young, he doesn't have the ability to think ahead to the future - this may be part of the reason he relinquished his rights..? As a bmom who place my daughter via a closed adoption, I did provide all medical information for myself and my family 22 years ago, and I provided updated information as the years passed. I have recently reunited with my bdaughter and found out that the information I provided over the years was never kept on file at the agency. I had no control of that but, I followed through with what I thought was the right thing to do. Regardless, she grew up to be a healthy, vibrant young woman. I am very grateful.

I think you need to be careful here! And perhaps specificy in your case you felt it wouldn't give you a clean start to move on or begin anew. I relinquished 23+ years ago, the first agency wanted to do a semi open adoption and I have always regretted that choice was taken away from me. I had a closed adoption situation, was never allowed to talk about it, my wound never healed. I never had a 'clean start' or 'begain anew'. But that's me! I would have welcomed the chance for an open adoption and I feel that it would have made my journey easier.

I think it is important to speak from your experience. However, your experience is not mine. Having an open adoption helped me move on and heal. The difference is that instead of cutting my son out of my life, I integrated him into my life in a new way. This is actually the work of resolving a grief... that you integrate the one lost into your life in a new way. My son is now 24. We have had a fully open adoption since the beginning. Our relationship is well established. Both of us do not have to go through the ups and downs of reunion because the foundation to our relationship was laid a long time ago.