Should I cut ties with my bmom?

It sounds like a guilt trip to me, but I don't pick up on these things too quickly sometimes. Women tend to have an intuition so when you say it felt like she was trying to pick up where she left off, I get the feeling that she felt rebuked by your need for space. You were in the right there and a bmother can't expect to jump in and pick right up after a child is raised. A relationship has to be built and it cannot be done based on unrealistic expectations.Everyone involved has to think about themselves. If I ever get the opportunity to have contact with my bmom, my life will not revolve around her. I have my wifes family, my adopted family, my own kids. It is a balancing act.So you are married and are into a new aspect of your life. If she wants to be a part of your life, you are entitled that it be on your terms too.As Kathy asked, do you want to cut the ties? If not, I'd text her back and apologize for any times that you may have inadvertently made her not feel like a part of your life, that you are happy that she has her boys, and that she is always welcome to be a part of your life.But it still sounds like a guilt trip. Although 12 years into the reunion, she may be testing you as happens often between adoptees and their bmothers.Best wishes.

I can really relate to your situation. I found my bmom when I was about 27 and she was thrilled to have me "back in her life". I made it clear to her from the beginning that I wasn't sure what kind of relationship I was looking for with her but I knew I wasn't looking for another Mother. I had one I loved dearly and didn't need another. She wanted me back in her life as her daughter. She referred to me as her daughter, introduced me as such and signed all her letters to me "Momma" and her name. She wanted me to come for holidays, etc. Then she started making comments about my Mother and family and that did it! I finally asked her to stop referring to me as her daughter and stop signing her letters "Momma". She signed that right away when she signed those papers. Basically I told her that she either accepted what I was able to give and be glad she at least had some contact with me or I would have to end the relationship. We didn't have any contact for years and then picked up again when her other bdaughter found her and wanted to meet me. Now we talk occasionally and she's just accepted what it is. She has to know she can't guilt you into a kind of relationship you may not want to have. I think you need to decide what you want and then act accordingly. If she accepts it, fine. If not, I guess it's her loss. Good Luck!!!

I totally get where your coming from. What I have done is not cut ties...but not continue constant contact. With my birthmom we kinda have an ebb and flow of contact depending on how she is 'doing' at any given time. I call once about every 6 months or so and just let her talk about whatever she wants and then let it go. But I am at a good place with what happened when I was a baby so I can kinda let it roll off my back. I want her in my life, but I don't put any value into her opinion of my life...if that makes any sense. Basically I wouldn't close the door...but I would walk away from the door for a bit. I don't know where you are in life though.

Hi, She's probably wondering where the relationship is going and what the point of it is if she doesn't really have much contact with you? Obviously you are keeping her at arms length in some way and that's fine. However she probably would like more contact. So I guess you have to find a middle ground somewhere that makes both of you happy or else you have to accept that she's accepted that things are not going to change and she's backing off. I would seriously think about what you want from the relationship then let her know. But be prepared to accept that she may walk away. I have bday card and xmas card contact with my bdaughter and frankly I am over it and I am walking away. It's not going to get any better so what is the point?

How sad. emotional blackmail. Whyat I am seeing is from your post and some of the other posts from bmoms is that if the b"child" doesn't give what the bmom wants its not good enough so just shuT them out ......Not a whole lot of understanding of the adoptees POV..sounds like not a whole lot of caring either.No thought at all as to the fact that maybe, just maybe the adoptee is UNABLE to give more...no fault of their own there. But don't have it the way they want it ..well then just shut it all down.... Prove postive to me that we as adoptees are often not seen as the person we are but as the symbol of someones pain, the cure for that pain and nothing more....how sad. Please note that I said sometimes its feels that way....there are many wonderful bmoms that do make an attempt...my own included. I would attmept to not take it to personally...hard to do I imagine....move on and let it go. You lived many years without her and can continue to do so.

Good Morning to all, I am a firstmom waiting for the day to come...my twin sons are now 22 yrs old. In my mind I remember 4 days old..for that is where I remember my last scent, touch and kisses, tears and good byes! I cannot say what my journey will bring. I do realize they are grown individuals with their own memories and love for their parents. I will always try to be there and there will be NO MORE rejection allowed. If GOD allows me to just see them and know they are safe and healthy and happy I will not ask anything of which they do not want. If, they feel a certain need for me in their lives I will NOT let them down...yet again. We are not guaranteed not one more day on this earth....life is to short to make assumptions on each of our behalves. Your firstmom , may have many many emotional memories that she has to deal with,I cannot answer on her behalf. I just offer one piece of advice...life is short, our hearts are capable of loving soooo many people. Parents are capable of loving more than one child, is it not possible for a child to love more than one set of parents, just in different capacities? Do not give up she needs to know there is room for her, despite her flaws and her emotions, of which none of us know...:love:

It's so easy to just turn away and try to imagine "it" isn't there adoptees and their mothers are old pros at that It's so hard to let someone in, really in, allow them to be comfortable about being in especially someone you are so vunerable too examine your anger examine your vunerability to rejection and your responses to both where your mother is concerned examine your ability of true forgiveness of the past. I don't know what it is like to have lost a child to adoption I can only imagine, as a mother, that I would always think of my daughter as my daughter, adopted or not. And be proud she is my daughter, proud of her. I can only imagine the punch in the gut at being rejected as a mother, and continuing to hold on to hope in some way. I can only imagine trying to accept that I am not part of my adult daughters life. mother daughter relationships after reunion can hardly be compared to your typical mother daughter relationship. I'm sure you know that one well. You are two adults, two old married ladies. Be good to each other. Neither one of you really know what to do or what to say or how to feel. Talk with your mom and work out what you both want the relationship to be like, and then go from there. Both may need to compromise in some way. Time changes things. Ask yourself and then Tell her - how her rejection makes you feel. - the reasons why you find it hard to accept her as a mother. -if you want her to be part of your life, and how. Don't try to guess what she is thinking, or what she wants Ask her. She may think she is doing what you want her to do Sounds like she has had enough of the roller coaster ride too. Love is the Key just my opinion/advice (hey you asked for it!) good luck Beth :)

Queenie312, my story sounds a lot like yours, except I was not looking and I was the one who was found. Like you, they were very excited about finding me and really did make the attempt to kind of pick up where they left off. Sometimes, I think people have a hard time imagining their adopted out baby being an adult and all that. But, they made me feel like the adoption was more of a "loaner". You know, "Gee. . . can't take care of the baby for right now, thanks for doing the work for me, but now that I'm back, I'm going to be "Mom" and "Grandma" and we are going to be family again." I certainly don't mind having contact at all, but I just don't really feel familial about it. My bmom is also a nurse and I have a couple of nurse friends myself who are in the same age bracket as she is and to me, it just feels really really comfortable to think of her as a friend and colleague. Afterall, we've been nursing the same amt of years and I could very well be her charge nurse. Anyways, after I gently (and I do mean gently. . . I had several friends and family review the email before sending it) reminded them that forcing themselves to be immediate family members is uncomfortable to me and that I was very very happy though to be good friends, they called me "rude" and disturbed and said that they didn't want to talk to me anymore! Is there something wrong with just having a chill, relaxed adult friendship that I'm not aware of? I have noted that some people on the forum say, "Either make them part of your real family, or don't bother." So, is it really all or nothing? It does kind of feel like emotional blackmail. . . either I do it their way, I have no control over anything, and my discomfort doesn't matter at all, or that's it. . . no more contact. It really does almost make you feel like a bad person for not just snuggling right into a strange ladies bosom and saying, "My life has been less without you and now I'm complete and whole now that you've found me Mom!" Also, I sometimes feel like there is a wierd oxymoron out there. . . biological families give up their babies for adoption hoping that they will have everything they ever need and want, hoping that they will be a complete, healthy, functional individual who will live their lives to the fullest and without regret. . . but still, it seems like they maybe do just get a little thrill out of the idea that you did feel like less without them, or that you were searching for them, or that there was a void there that can only be filled with their presence. I feel like my bio-fam is upset with me because my adoption was a true success. Wierd, huh? But I completely hold no grudge, . . .whenever they decide to re-engage the friendship, I'm will to start up again. . . it's what I would do with any of my friends that I'm having a falling out with. I guess it's difficult for me to understand why you would chuck someone aside that you've been looking for for 12 years simply because they just want to be good friends . . . it's not as though I denied contact or whatever.

IdahoNurse, you said, "My bmom is also a nurse and I have a couple of nurse friends myself who are in the same age bracket as she is and to me, it just feels really really comfortable to think of her as a friend and colleague. Afterall, we've been nursing the same amt of years and I could very well be her charge nurse." It's funny how many times during reunion that birth parents and grown children find themselves in the same profession or a similar one. My son was always drawn to the healthcare profession, even as a small boy, even though nobody in his adoptive family is medically inclined. He got that one from me, if that's possible. I am curious about one thing. Why do you assume you'd be your birthmom's charge nurse? She could have ended up as your head nurse. ;)

Interesting thread, I'm going to add my two cents as a birth mom. Like all of us, I can only speak from my own experience. D was 33 when we "reunited" so maybe that's part of the difference. I have never had a sense that I was picking up where we left off. I am enjoying getting to know the adult he has become. He is my firstborn, nothing can change that nor the love I have for him. One of the fun things (for me) is that he sometimes shares things with me that he knows will upset his parents because I'm not the one who raised him! I call them his parents because that's what they are; he clearly cares about them and I wouldn't have it any other way. After all, that's why I placed him in the first place! I love D dearly, and with a mother's love. I do not and never will sign letters, etc. "Momma Kathy" (unless he asked be to). I asked him once how he would describe our relationship (I was reading threads like this one); his answer was "healthy." I'll take that!I do acknowledge him as my son, since "reunion" I'm more open about saying I have 3 children (I will often add or say, my husband and I have 2 children and I have a son I place for adoption when I was in college.) It is awkward because I don't want claim his parents' place, but I don't want to deny his connection to me either. In a few hours, we will be at D's to celebrate Christmas with D and his family (parents, kids, in-laws). I cherish being included as part of his extended family. BTW, D's chosen profession is not mine (both his father and I are pastors, talk about pks!) but he and my raised son (and my brother) are all involved with electronics in one way or another.

Raven, This is completely true, she could be my head nurse, however, I do a little bit more professionally is all. I instruct neonatal resuscitation, float to peds and picu, attend high risk deliveries, and am on the Air St. Luke's Specialty Transport team. I am also PALS, ACLS OB, and NRP certified and am in the process of completing my relief charge orientaton. I also have a baccalaureate degree compared to an associate's and am therefore able to eventually take a role in management and/or complete my MSN. I am also part of the international honor society of nursing, Sigma Theta Tau. But you are correct, and I also have close relationships with my charge nurses here at work as well. Incidentally, my mother has been a med-surge nurse before I was even a twinkle in anybodies eyes. So is the nursing part of me due to the nature, or the nurture. Guess we'll never know :o)

IdahoNurse, you definitely should go on for your Masters in Nursing. You have a lot of great qualifications! If I were you, I'd take it a step further and go for a doctorate. Ah, I understand now about being your bmom's charge nurse...the old BSN versus ADN thingie. Have you ever considered medical school? I have a sneaking suspicion that you'd be good material for a med school. ;)

Hey Boxermommy! I'm not in reunion so can't really speak to it. But IMO, BakerJW and KaKuehl both make a tremendous amount of sense. These two statements especially are very wise: BakerJW - Kakuehl Like a lot of people I have half-siblings and step-siblings. To me, they are just part of my big old often-crazy but lots-of-fun family. I have learned through hard times that blood doesn't necessarily make a person a good parent. With my siblings though, I had to work at it with one of my stepbrother's....at least 3 times harder than with the other one. He has thrown up every blockade known to man to keep "us" away. The rest of my brothers and sisters and I have had discussion about this at length and have decided to simply let him be who is he. We respect his boundaries and accept what he can give. For myself as a birthmother (not in reunion) I keep that lesson with me because it is important as BakerJW says, he is an adult with his own life, his own dreams and in such, deserves respect. Kakuehl has also hit the nail on the head perfectly (as she often does - wise woman). For myself, my son and daughter's parents are their parents. I would hope that they would see me as a friend. But if they prefer not, that is their right as adult human beings and it would not be my place to try to interfere in their lives with their loved ones. This is tricky stuff isn't it? And because we deal with the emotions of other people, the lines get blurred and crossed and it's hard sometimes to know where other people begin and we end, so to speak. Whatever the outcome of your journey through this particularly hazardous maze, I wish you peace! :grouphug:

Sounds like you got your basic nursing ability from your birth mom, sounds like you got the opporunity to contiue what you are doing in your nursing career from your aprants...sounds like you have done ok. In terms of where you ar at in your career and where you bmom is is only a matter of opportunity...stay humble my dear,and remeber where you came from both bio and adoptive because thats what really has made you what you are. Because one does better in their chosen profession does not make them better. sorry but I am detecting some um....a superority complex thing going on there. Like I said stay humble because once you fall it doesn't hurt as much. Because no matte what we have done and accomplished we bring with us our pasts. I work with an OLD diploma nurse(gasp, i am one too) and I will tell you I use her OFTEN for the ole intuaition that is only born of experiance. Its also been my esperiance that there is no differnce between RN's who have ADN< DIPLOMA OR BSN's. Masters level I do see a difference. Boxer, has there been any change the situation.

Raven, My hubby often asks me if I'd consider going back to get my MD, but I then remind him that I'd have to go through residency which would take me away from the family for a long period of time. I'm happy just sticking with nursing I think. DPen, It wasn't meant to be superior, just factual. As I was saying my mom is an old diploma nurse and most likely the most accomplished and meticulous nurse I know. In practice, there is no difference between ADN or BSN, solely the fact that you are able to get an advanced degree from the BSN. My understanding is that the bmom does not desire to be in the role of DCN. The actual point being made is that I don't perceive the bmom as being in a motherly-type, authoritative, advice giving type role. I consider her to be an equal and a colleague and in theory, I could be in the role of authority and management. Trust me, I've had a few "knocks of hard life" in the good ol' career and am humble enough. A listing of accomplishments is simply that, while a superiority complex is claiming one is the best, no one is better, and I never make a mistake (pretty sure that wasn't part of my blog). In regards to whom is to get the head nod for my nursing abilities, my mom inspired me to become one, the bmom's input is a matter of opinion, and everything else belongs to me as I am a unique person who makes my own luck. My bmom has a lot of qualities that I don't value or respect and I am loathe to take ownership for those things, good or bad.