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Many of us birthmoms (and I'm sure adoptees and aparents, too!) come from dysfunctional and/or toxic families. Myself, I'm trying to deal with some pretty heavy stuff lately in my own family of origin. I'm hoping that maybe we can share with each other our experiences with this. How do you deal with the toxicity in your life? How do you keep on going when the going becomes so darn hard?
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Hey Raven,
First sending you lots of hugs! ((((( Raven )))))
I have to work today but will give this very excellent post some thought and write back to ya later this evening.
I understand what you're saying. I think this stuff is like some kind of emotional/mental rash. It waxes and wanes. :-(
Hope you feel a little better today as the day progresses. I know the good folk in here will have wise words for ya and lots of support too! :-)
Write to you later tonight!
:-)
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I came to the conclusion a long time ago that every family is dysfunctional... some worse than others. (Maybe we should hear from perfect families too!) My mother was the source of much of the dysfunction in my own family. I think she had a bit of OCD. We rarely brought friends home because they might "make dirt." I once described to a college friend who cleaned homes during the summer just what we did EVERY week when we cleaned and she was appalled. Once when I was in counseling (for codependency) the counselor asked who the alcoholic was in my family. (I think it was my mother's grandfather but the patterns of behavior carried through.) Mother was good at verbal/emotional abuse with a bit of physical abuse thrown in as well. All that said, the dysfunction in my family is very mild compared to what many of the rest of you have experienced. I never doubted my parents loved us and they did many things "right." At this point in my life I see myself as blessed to have the family I have/had. (Hmmm. Maybe this isn't the story you want to hear!)
I don't think my family is too horribly toxic, more on the mildly disfunctional side of things.
One thing that has helped me deal with my dad in the past couple of years...I realised that this stuff he would say (even if it's about me) is HIS stuff, not mine. I also realised that even though he cannot say 'sorry' or express emotions or ignorance, I can, and I can without it affecting me (if this makes any sense). So the last time he jumped all over me and was ready to turn it into a huge fight, I managed to diffuse it. He was telling me as usual, that I had misinterpreted things and was just plain wrong in how I was feeling, so I said 'yes, you're right, I AM wrong, I just can't understand (poor little stupid me), can you please explain it too me, I'm so sorry I don't understand.' He just cooled right off. And I felt in control because I was saying these things on purpose, I don't beleive I'm poor little stupid me, but I played into how he was viewing me.
Does that make sense? Thing is, I usually would argue with him, but that would lead no where. By giving the appearance I was 'giving in' it diffused the situation.
Sheesh I feel like I'm sounding super passive agressive! I'm just saying by accepting I couldn't change him, I managed to take some control of the situation.
Babble complete
((((Raven))))
Hey Raven! :cheer:
I'm finally getting back to posting on this. I hope you're feeling better today. :camo: Hope this isn't too long either (my reply that is).
I wanted to answer your second question first because I thought it was very important.
Huh; good question.
I know that I "talk" about life as a path a lot in here because that's how I see life. As a road I'm walking on. Literally I see it in my mind as a road. The road is gravel and depending on my mood, the sides of it are landscaped in different ways. Sometimes it is winter; sometimes it is spring and sometimes it is a glorious fall day that I walk in. :-)
There are days when the road is difficult to travel. It is all I can do to pick up my foot and place one step further along it. Sometimes I don't want to move; sometimes I want to go backward and once in a great, great while I just want to leave the path for good.
At those times I think about life; how vast it is. And it is vast you know? Vast, powerful, vibrant, incredible.
And at those moments when I feel the urge to give up I think about the experience of living and about my eventual death. And I say, "Maybe there is life after this one. But what if there's not? What if this is it?"
That's the question I ask myself in the dark times.
And when the dark times come, I reach out in any way I can to those who are on the same road that I am on. And I just say "help me!" And someone is always there; even if it just to say, "I understand." Sometimes just hearing that makes all the difference.
I don't know if that will be of any comfort to you. I pray it will be. And you know, I do understand. :love:
Half the battle for me is in recogizing the traps before I place myself in them. Lately I haven't been so good at that but then dealing with the surrender of my son and daughter has pretty much ripped open my codependent side and exposed it to view.
I do know that I can't fix anyone but myself. This is hard because sometimes "fixing it" requires turning our backs and walking away. And somewhere along the line most of us have been taught that to walk away from family or loved ones or friends we've known for years? That that is wrong, cowardly, selfish, childish...you name it.
So how to change? How to let go of toxic people or situations? I think that it takes time; that it doesn't happen overnight.
I had a friend, a very good friend actually, who had a drinking problem. Her illness escalated to the point where she was making crazy choices and acting very destructively. In the end her behavior was so outrageous that it caused a very serious problem for me and my husband. I knew I had to let go of her but I loved her so dearly that I couldn't bring myself to just tell her to "get lost". So I had to let go of her gradually; politely declining invitations and talking less and less on the phone, keeping myself busy with other things I was involved in. Over time we saw each other less and less. About a year and a half later she sent me a nasty note which I never read. (Though my husband read it and said it was really viscious). I couldn't bring myself to read it though. I couldn't see the point. Sometimes in order to protect ourselves we just have to be the bad guy and accept that and keep going.
As for family? That's a toughie. I can tell you as a person who had to do this that letting go of family is never easy and that it hurts always. But sometimes, really malicious people give us no choice.
((((( Raven ))))))
Love ya much!:cheer:
How do you keep on going when the going becomes so darn hard?
How do you deal with the toxicity in your life?
Janeytwo
I know that I "talk" about life as a path a lot in here because that's how I see life. As a road I'm walking on. Literally I see it in my mind as a road. The road is gravel and depending on my mood, the sides of it are landscaped in different ways. Sometimes it is winter; sometimes it is spring and sometimes it is a glorious fall day that I walk in. :-)
And when the dark times come, I reach out in any way I can to those who are on the same road that I am on. And I just say "help me!" And someone is always there; even if it just to say, "I understand." Sometimes just hearing that makes all the difference.
Half the battle for me is in recogizing the traps before I place myself in them.
I do know that I can't fix anyone but myself. This is hard because sometimes "fixing it" requires turning our backs and walking away. And somewhere along the line most of us have been taught that to walk away from family or loved ones or friends we've known for years? That that is wrong, cowardly, selfish, childish...you name it.
So how to change? How to let go of toxic people or situations? I think that it takes time; that it doesn't happen overnight. As for family? That's a toughie. I can tell you as a person who had to do this that letting go of family is never easy and that it hurts always. But sometimes, really malicious people give us no choice.
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kakuehl
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that every family is dysfunctional... some worse than others.
My mother was the source of much of the dysfunction in my own family. I think she had a bit of OCD. We rarely brought friends home because they might "make dirt." I once described to a college friend who cleaned homes during the summer just what we did EVERY week when we cleaned and she was appalled.
Once when I was in counseling (for codependency) the counselor asked who the alcoholic was in my family. (I think it was my mother's grandfather but the patterns of behavior carried through.) Mother was good at verbal/emotional abuse with a bit of physical abuse thrown in as well.
Hey All!
Kathy
I have often thought that words are the most painful reminder of any type of abuse. They stick with you. The physical stuff I think we remember but not in a "bodily" sense as it were. We look back at the physical stuff and think, "Man. That was whacked!" (or whatever it is we think). But we don't feel it.
Words though? There are things that were said to me in childhood and in my later years that still sting when I think of them; that still cause me to feel terrible about myself. Words echo through time and I've come to see the extreme wisdom in the old adage, "Be careful what you say because you can't take it back."
I have a friend whose mom left when my friend was 9 years old. There were 5 kids (my friend was the oldest) and the mom said one Saturday morning, "I'm going out for cigarettes, be right back." Only she never came back. Instead, she hopped on a bus and went down south with some guy she'd met at her husband's work.
My friend sat there for hours wondering where her mom had gone and then lived in fear for days that she was dead until they got a call from the mom a week later. In the meantime, my friend became mom to her younger brothers and sisters and an odd sort of emotional confidant to her dad. He would come home and cry on her shoulder and for a while he had a breakdown and she was left to care for him too.
Anyway some months later the mom called looking for money and my friend asked her, "When are you coming home?" The mom said "never". And when my friend asked her why, she said, "Because you are a rotten child and I hate you."
!!! This friend of mine has never learned to truly trust people. She is very suspicious of men and women both and doesn't open up easily. And every once in a while she'll ask what's wrong with her and why she's such a rotten person.
:-( Her self-hatred is the legacy of words ill-spoken and mean-hearted.
She is also a survivor of spousal abuse and was d**n near killed by her ex when he kicked her from a moving vehicle (50 mph) onto the concrete and left her there. She miraculously was unhurt but had to walk the 1 mile home. When she got there, he beat her half to death (she was hospitalized for a week) for not making it home in a timely manner!
All of that her ex husband did she's forgiven. Still, her mother haunts her. Those words haunt her.
So sad.
Raven
Codependency rears its ugly head at the worst of times. And then I'm all over the place, hating myself, feeling like the scum of the planet, afraid to leave my home. You know what, Raven? Back when I was young and mean and tough and would take on anyone? I was codependent then too because I wasn't being who I am. I was being mean and tough so that I could hide how frightened I was.
The need to be accepted, to be heard, to know that others see the real me. Those are such powerful drives. Some might say it doesn't matter what others think of us, it only matters what we think of ourselves. Maybe that's true except with people that we have admired or loved or respected. Those people we have placed our hearts and thoughts with; exposed our jugular to in a way. And it pulls the rug out from under when we finally realize they don't feel the same way about us as we do about them, or that they've never trusted us enough to be themselves.
So am I. I can't say I agree with this either. In my way of thinking that's just playing head games. I.e, "I don't really want anything to do with ya anymore so I'm sending ya this magazine to rub it in your face!" :bullwhip:
Nah...sometimes we just have to move on. Anything else is waste of our time and someone elses.
But moving on isn't always easy and neither is loving ourselves.
Codependency is a life-long journey. We do not graduate. No one graduates. We learn some things on the path; others we miss.
Bill and Bob; they understood. One Day At A Time. :love:
Quantum A very wise woman once told me that the best way to end an argument with people is to agree with them. I had a person in my life who used to insist on calling me stupid. It used to bug me because one thing I ain't is stupid. As a matter of fact, I've got a pretty high IQ (no bragging meant by that honestly). So it just ate at me to be called stupid. So she smiled and said, "Next times this person says you're an idiot Janey, you just say, Yep! You're right!" She told me that pretty much shuts people up. So I tried it and dang if she wasn't correct! There was nothing more this particular person could say. Worked like a charm!! LOL!
In that case, when I understood that this person was just being a horse's patoot, in that case I let the words just go by me and went on with my day.
The trick of course is learning how to do that with people I love who genuinely hurt me deep down. Sigh...that's a long road. (And here's hoping too that I learn how not to hurt others while I'm at it.)
Love you guys!:rockband:
Mother was good at verbal/emotional abuse with a bit of physical abuse thrown in as well.
It's only been fairly recently that I've discovered I'm having a huge problem with codependency. I honestly never saw it before in myself until my mom had her stroke...
But it's so dang hard to know that a loved one thinks horrible things about you...someone who you always thought was close to you. I feel like I'm being gaslighted
Bradshaw suggests instead of totally cutting someone off, that we send them an annual magazine subscription. But I'm really having a difficult time with this idea.