My Experiences: What has worked, and what hasn't

harry, I feel you need to get this child some help. By just ignoring the problem it will not go away. Regardless of how you feel about this child, he is only 11 yrs old and plenty of time for him to heal. I found your blog actually very disturbing. If you cannot get the help for your child, or refuse to get the help, you may need to look into finding someone who can actually help the child. clearly you guys have given up on him, so my suggestion is find someone who can help him. you mentioned that he did attach to his foster family, ybe start with them. Its a boy crying out for help and its falling on deaf ears. if you really feel there is no hope for this 11 yr old child, and you have no bond to him, then call DSS and talk about having hiim placed with a family that deal with his issues.

I find it interesting that there is no mention of therapy in your blog. I'd think with things this dire there would be a lot of mention of that aspect? It's also interesting to me that typically parents in this situation are desperate for understanding and validation, and are so thankful to find others who understand RAD. And yet...very silent here. Hmm...

I find this entire thing very strange.

I find this entire thing very strange. lorraine, were on the same page, but i always go with the 'just in case' thing

I have read the blog as well. I think that is premature to jump to conclusions as far as therapy goes because it seems that this father has sought help and asked for his son to be tested and evaluated but because of his age certain test wil not be done. The blog is heartbreaking but hear more of frustration from this father. It appears he has exausted every resource and is at a point of desperation. I just cannot imagine parenting a child with such behavior problems, I was drained just reading. I wish the OP would return and update or at least get some support. EZ

I just cannot imagine parenting a child with such behavior problems, I was drained just reading. I understand you are drained by reading, but we are parenting a child with these behaviors. I think the majority of folks who have posted here, are parenting children like 'lucas'. there are rescources out there to help the family, but you have to go get them. testing is just that, testing. It doesnt help, may give you a baseline, but that doesnt change the behavior. you can actually look at old posts from alot of these parents and understand the daily struggles that we face. Some parents here actually have faced more horrific stories then what 'harry' has posted. the difference is, that we have not given up on our children, we have not just written them off. The child is only 11, the child still can get some help. For me, It was hard to read the blog because i am now on the other side of a 'damaged child'. HE was very hard, but i have full faith that children can heal. We needed alot of support, we couldnt do it ourselves. We had to accept that. my kids have a long long way to go. I have two 'Lucas's, but we have come very far also. from what harry wrote, he and his wife have basically written off lucas and just waiting for him to leave the house. maybe i read it wrong, but thats what i got. He has already plotted out this childs future, and as with any child, he will reach the expectation we place on him. my 10 yr old cannot read. Do i just accept this? If your child has an issue, any issue, do you just accept it or do you really look at different things to help him. alot of folks on here have done second opinions/ third opinions, even fouth opinions to find out how to help their child. I just wonder where Harry went. maybe its me, I know when i first posted a few years ago (cant believe its been that long) I checked my post over and over to see if anyone had answered. I was at my wits end and i needed some ideas on what was wrong with my kids. i guess thats why i wonder about this whole post and blog. just kinda seemed odd to me

Sorry, I gotta ask... is "Harry" for real?

i dont think so

Sad enough if this person has indeed written this child off. Even more sad, if this whole initial post and blog are a hoax......definitely not a subject to make light of , toy with people's feelings about, or anything like that.Fran

Hey all, Just wanted to say the OP came back and explained his position to us further - but it was one of the posts (along with a few others) that got erased while the forums were down. It's too bad, because there was some really good advice shared! karyn

Hi Harry, I was just catching up on your blog and wanted to ask a few questions and make a few comments. First, I'm really glad to hear you've found a therapists that might work for you guys, we went through a few too before we found one that "clicked". But, I have to say, some of the stuff you are describing or "offering as proof" that your son is a psychopath seems to me very obviously related to trauma and attachment. I see much of my son (or what used to be my son) in alot of what you are saying. And, I have to say, I disagree - kids CAN be taught how to feel emotions again. The first two years my son was home, anything "nice" he did was just going through the motions - he didn't know anything but how to take care of himself first. After consistent praise and endless positive feedback, he learnt this "feels good" and did it more on his own. And even if they never feel emotions the way an untraumatized person does, they can learn coping skills and how to function in society. And I think it is really unfair to ask a kid who obviously has no concept of emotions or has not processed any of grief/anger about what "hurts more" - losing his family or missing dessert. Of course he has no idea what hurts more, he has shut down all his emotions so nothing 'hurts more'. It's like asking a person who has no feeling in his legs what hurts more - a pin prick or a car running over your foot. He has told himself a long time ago that nothing hurts, it's all ok...he has lied to himself over and over again just to survive. Now he has to learn new skills, and that takes time. And the emotion of anger stems from fear. Maybe this would be helpful to think of when your son is angry? One technique we learnt is that when you are angry with him, ready to give up, frustrated, etc - try to picture him as a little boy of two or so being neglected, abused, abandoned - it really helps to go back to why he is doing what he is, and to keep compassion in your parenting.

I got to the entry about him standing in the corner for 4 hrs straight, and being in his room for days, and had to close it.

I think sometimes we naturally have to distance ourselves because it is so difficult, painful to deal with these children. I think most of us remember what it was like before our lives were so drastically changed into something we were not prepared to deal with. I know I have been there. It doesn't mean I permanently feel this way. It's just a way to cope. I think what we have to be careful of though is not letting our own negative emotions become a self-fulfilling prophesy. These children can heal.

This sounds all too familiar to our FD's ability to Acclimate to any training we try. But.... by just the info from your blog, honestly, this seems workable. The right therapist, parental support w/ as much love as you can find in your heart for him, your non judgemental listening as he tells you his sexual type exploration, and perhaps teaching him better ways to deal w/anger. This IS possible. It really seems like you could raise a fine man. He's just dealing w/ alot of feelings, frustration, and perhaps psychological difficulties. You'll get it.... Just don't do proposed timelines. Don't say negative over your child's future. Love him, love him, love him. You may not always like him, but love him. Express great joy over ANY form of responsible action. I nearly went crazy from my parent's overly sheltering way of parenting. And when they labeled me wrongly, at times I thought "I'm not "xyz" but if you wanna see that, I'll show you "xyz" or whatever label they tried to put on me. Take care and please continue to come here for info and support. There's alot of well seasoned parents here. You may get flamed at times, but they all have alot to offer.

This is a very sad blog. I have a hard time understanding why a parent of an adopted child would discuss the child's personal birth history in such detail with thousands of people or more to read. How does he know so many details? Yes I know we discuss our kids here but the details of their story is the childs not ours. Also why would a parent title their blog psychopath and discuss the childs sexual behavior in such detail. I suspect this is just fantasy which is sad as many parents struggle daily to love and support damaged kids. This is the first and only post of this person and I think he is just luring us to his site.