Am I overreacting?

I don't think you're overreacting. I've found that most time people who are not directly connected to adoption often find it extremely difficult (if not impossible) to understand, and along those same lines they find it extremely uncomfortable to talk about. My husband is somewhat like that. We've been married over 11 years and he's gotten better, but it's still not something I can talk to him about a lot and expect for him to "get it". I talk to him about basic stuff and the deep stuff I usually bring here or to my friends that have a connection to adoption!

Thanks. It's good to know mine isn't the only one who doesn't like to talk about it. I feel if the situation was reversed I would be supportive but whatever. My bfamily is actually having a reunion in a couple of weeks. My bmom died a couple of years ago so it's just aunts, uncles and cousins (they have a huge family) and I am planning on going. I am going to take my best friend because hubby said it would be too much for him to handle. So I think this part of my life is going to be just that "my life". It would be nice if I could talk to him about it but I'll come here. Thanks.

I too agree that you are not over reacting. It is important to have at least one person to talk to and it should be your significant other. My DH has learned I am going to keep talking about it till I get it all out so he is very quiet when the subject comes up. I occassionally will get him telling me what he likes and doesn't like about things but it is rare.

Wow he won't even go with you? That's too bad. I have a relationship (albeit we live 600 miles away from each other) with my first family and my husband has always tagged along. I think its definitely better if you take someone supportive with you though. That way it won't bring you down. How long have you had a relationship with your first family? Do you think your DH will come around over time?

He said he would go it it was just meeting up with one person but the reunion is too much. Which works out so he can keep the kids (I'm not ready to bring them into it yet). I actually was in contact with my bmom back in 99 we exchanged letters and pics and then she started calling alot and I wigged and dropped the whole thing. I obviously wasn't ready. Now about 4 months ago I realized I was ready and wanted to search agian and I found out she passed away. I found some of her neices on myspace and I contaced them and they put me in contact with some of her brothers and sisters. Now I am working on finding the other half. One of the sisters said he was married so chances are he won't want anything to do with me but I would still like to know who it is. Sorry if this is alot of info. Just answering the question in a very round about way :)

No, you are not overreacting at all. And adoption is a life-long thing, and part of who you are. Why is it so hard for people to talk about it? Good Lord, it shouldn't have to be this taboo subject!

SO to play Devils advocate... My DH gets like that when I talk about my family and abuse for too long. I am very good at figuring/ forcing him to tell me what is really going on and he said that sometimes he feels so helpless in being able to help me and that he fears I will never be secure. So instead of telling me this stupid as some men can be he lashes out. Emotional stuff just may not be your DH's forte. Not saying that this doesn't deserve an in depth talk, but just offering that maybe he feels lost too.

Not over reacting in the least although sometimes we get wrapped up in ourselves. At least I do at times.My wife had a pretty rough childhood with her parents and domestic abuse. She brings that up sometimes as a sanity check to me so that I realize that everyone potentially had some issues in their childhood.I don't think that I could go to a large family reunion myself. Everything involvd in adoption reunions can be so emotional that I believe that things should be kept simple at the start. That is why if I ever meet anyone from my birth family I will keep it low key and simple.

Oneangle...It's understandable that non adoptees can't relate to people who are adoptees, or understand that the adoption process has made an impact and continues to be a significant part of the adoptee.What may be helpful, is to mention only new events in the adoption process and only when they are significant...so that much of the previously mentioned info is not repeated...because non-adoptees have no adoption experience they will have difficulty understanding why we cant simpley "Get Over it." Often they will not try to relate.Also, what you will find, is that when sharing new info or goals with non adoptees, there is a need to remind them of the goal of the search and how the new info impacts that goal. Otherwise, often they try to remember a previous conversation, fail at it badly and it generates anger on both sides.If they comment in a helpful manner, you know there is some interest. If there is only silence, they still don't understand and have little interest in the subject.I wish you the best.Drywall

FWIW, I am adopted and I am very, very uncomfortable around my sister's bfamily. I want absolutely nothing to do with them and I can't really explain why. It's a very confusing thing to be related to someone but they've got this whole other family that you aren't related to at all. Personally, I would appreciate that you got it out of your husband that it's just too much for him to handle. Had my husband said something like that, I'd rejoice knowing that he's processing things and isn't ready for more yet. It truly is a very confusing thing to observe.

I searched for decades I've been in reunion for almost 10 years now. I read and watch on TV every thing adoption, everything about mother and child seperation and all the other things that go along with adoption. And anything else that will fit into the puzzle. And I like to discuss it with people, and I like to hear other's stories, insights and opinions. My husband for 25 years and kids(now 15 and 24) are pretty sick of hearing about it LOL me too somedays so I understand. They moan and groan and cry nooooo nooo oh god please NOoooooo no more adoption stuff and occasionally lie on the floor squirming like dying bugs. I ignore them, especially since I do the same thing when they talk about their "stuff" I'm not a musician, 2 of them are, so all of their practicing and the tv shows and the discussions about music just aren't MY thing, not to mention the money spent on it. My home is littered with musical instruments and equipment. So I too lie on the floor and squirm like a dying bug begging to change the channel or talk about something else before my brain explodes from boredom. They have supported me through all of this in their own ways, and they do care about how I am feeling and what I am thinking, and enjoy spending time with my new found family (some more than others) they just don't want to hear about it as much as I do, apparently. Same for me when it comes to their thing. I know more about music than I probably would like to, and they know more about adoption than they would probably like to. My husband said once (he says alot of dumb things and waits til I finish correcting his thoughts and usually never says it again LOL), but he said: "look I am a musician, I play and learn music, it's my hobby, my talent, my thing, don't keep me from it, I am music. You've already found and met everyone, will it ever end??? Adoption seems to be your hobby, what kind of hobby is that? Don't you want to do something else?" After removing my hands from his throat I responded: " I am an adoptee, I am adoption, I have spent decades educating myself on all aspects of it, and still have more to learn and practice. All of this can not be a waste of time, I have acquired a talent, I can see the effects of adoption in people and myself fairly easily now, I can help them understand it. This talent must be for something, I've made many people happy by sharing this talent/knowledge with them, just like when you share your musical talent with others. So, my husband records shows that are about my thing, and is excited to tell me when he finds one he thinks I will be interested in, cause he knows what makes me happy. He doesn't really want to watch it, he does it for me. I record music stuff for him too if I think he will like it, and buy tickets to concerts I know he will like. One difference is I usually watch his and go to the show LOL I remind him I could be knitting and telling him all about knots instead, (as I change the channel to a knitting show) and he reminds me that he could be bowling and telling me all about it instead. Don't let anyone keep you from your thing. Expect them to support you in it, but for me it is not so wise to expect them to participate as much as I would like them to. Sorry, rambling, have been aggravated by this myself for quite a while. I'll never let anyone keep me from doing my thing! It's easier to be a groupie than a roadie Not so much to carry Beth :rockband:

Dear Oneangie: I don't think you are overreacting. People that aren't adopted, will NEVER know what it feels like to be adopted. My husband tries, but at times, just like your husband, he feels like "oh here we go with the adoption thing again!" I try not to dwell on that fact either but we can't erase the fact that we are adopted and so much of our world is colored by that. So much of how I came to be who I am is explained by being adoption. As long as I don't lose sight of that, I am function better in life.

I have just gotten some information from my adoptive mother about my adoption which I thought was closed. It really turns your life around. You need to be with someone who understands what you are going through right now. I have a boyfriend too and I also don't think he quite gets it, a lot of my life he seems not to get. But he never says stuff like that to me, he tries the best he can to relate but sometimes you have to realize that this is something no one else will fully understand. Being adopted means you feel alone a lot of your life and that's what I had to go through but I know that now, and it's made me so much stronger and I love who I have become. Do not give up.

I think you are absoultly right we will never get it. My husband feels the same way about me and I totally agree with him I dont get it. I try to but I just cant. I guess my real issue is: I helped him with the process and everything was ok until Bmother family attitude toward the whole thing. Now i would like to think that I am openminded but his bmother from the very being was dishonest. See she started with she was raped by her boyfriend and her family with limited knowledge believed her. She have never taken full repsonsibilty for her decison she balmed her mother then when my husband found out the truth she recanted her story. She play mind game with him to make him feel guilty for asking about his deceaced b father. She made it real hard for him to get that information. She just didnt want to truth to come out that she was never raped. Any how she NEVER did I say NEVER liked me or my son ( husbands stepson) she doesnt acknowledge us being a family at all. She feel that she should get mother day cards becuase she is his "mother and he is her son" never mind the adoptive mother that raised him she has NO merit. Her family has said some not so pleasant things about her so when he went to them to tell them his feelings they are looking at him as if his should be the adult and take it easy on her this has been really difficult for her. NEVERMIND what this has done to him from the time he was a kid. NONE of them call him anymore as if his has done something wrong by asking for information. But I dont understand because I dont like how they treat him. Seriously. We get in to arguements because I dont like any of them. How doest like how is being treated but doesnt mind the emotional turnoil they give . Yet Im supposed to be understanding . He was raised with a wonderful family that he pushed away because of his adoption.