Looking for my husband's birth parents

I don't know he doesn't want to talk about it, he shuts it all out. He is 43, I am worried time maybe running out, his birth parents could be in their 60's. We don't have kids together but he does have a son from his previous marriage.

Your heart is in the right place and that is admirable. As a 44 year old adoptee who decided on his own to start looking for his birth mother, I will add my 2 cents and that is to not get too involved. It is such a personal issue and men seem to be a little more angry about everything that has occured. If your help can bring him to the point where he interested in finding his bmom, then that may be a good thing. If not, do not meddle in it. My wife meddled in my adoption a bit and it hurt our relationship in a major way. Again. Just the opinion of a guy like your husband.

I come from a family of 4 adopted kids. Alll but one has at least gotten a name. The one that didn't is my younger brother. He has no interst in finding his biofamily and does harbor some anger. I have briefly talked to him about it and he shuts down. His wife has talked to him about it and he shuts down. He has made only a few pointed comments about his biofamily that reek of pain and hurt. Don't tell him I said that because hewould deny it!!!! I talked to his wife about it and she was fearful of "opening up a can of worms" meaning him having to deal with his deep feelings without him having any control over it. It could get scary and dangerous to him if he is not ready. I would not push it with your husband....if he is ever ready he will let you know.

Thank you so much for your input. Still, I don't understand why men struggle so much with this issue? Isn't it possible that his parents were just far too young to handle parenthood? They wanted the best for their kid so they opted for adoption. Maybe my husband wants to think the same but underneath he is worried that it is something else (i.e. he is the result of a rape) and that would be a lot worse? The reason I want to help my husband is because he has a lot of anger and I think it comes from being rejected by his birth parents. Of course I mean to do good, last thing I want is to anger him even more. Wouldn't you ever regret not finding out where you came from?

Being adopted is a very personal thing. It is subjective - everyone handles it in their own way. Searching is an extremely personal decision. There are a lot of adoptees who do not want to search and this should be respected. I believe that it is very wrong to search for an adoptee's family behind their back, even if your heart is in the right place. Your husband is an adult and needs to make his own decisions. As his wife you should stand by him and respect his decisions, even if you don't agree. You should never go behind his back and meddle in his birth family history. I know that if my husband were to do that to me I would be extremely distraught. The breach of trust would be something that would likely destroy our relationship.

i am trying tofind my brother and i think your husband should know that your doing this and he shouldnt worry about rejection either because just like me they may be looking for him to.i have been looking for my brother for about 10 yrs and still havent found him because i have no last name all i know he was suppose to have been adopted in ca in el centro and the guy who adopted him was either a parole officer or a detective so tell him not to give up if this is really what he wants

ka3003...your note says your husband was adopted. The best place to start is the court where the adoption was finalized. Some one in that court records system will tell you what the requirements are to gain adoption information. If the records are sealed, you may only be able to get non-identifying info.I wish you the best.

ka3003, For many of us men our adoption info is all that we have privately left. Having a wife, Amother, g/f do anything with it is "another woman messing up our life". It's the absolutely worst idea to go where you are not wanted right now. I speak from experience.

I'd avoid the angry man cave completely. With my husband I drop off treats and leave things for him to look at and read at the entrance of his cave, and then run like hell and hide. Sometimes the books and articles come flying out of the cave in shreds with a deafening roar. Sometimes they get hung on the wall. It's very dangerous in many ways! Never ever go in there unless you are invited! And if he does give you the chance to enter, just listen and watch and observe all the stuff hanging on the wall, so you can know and understand him even more. good luck be brave

ka....re-read your posts...adoption and re-union are based on a roller coaster. Adoption is a deep and sometimes dark, emotional experience, with a life long sentence.Evidence suggests that many more women search, than guys. Moreover, the adoption causes of rage, feelings of abandonment, grief and loss are not entirely understood.Perhaps a therapist would be able to help your husband establish the reasons for the rage and his concerns. This may be a way to help him heal.As an adoptee it is easy to have strong emotional concerns in regards to things we may not remember. Adoptees sometimes have strong feelings surrounding the unknown pieces of our lives, and there is an ongoing expectation that the information we will get, will contain the worst possible outcome. This is not unlike the individuals who are afraid of cancer and refuse to see a Dr. When they do see the physician, there is no sign of cancer....treatment will be a short dose of antibiotics. The result was an ending of their fears, and a great improvement in the quality of their lives.Often information from a-parents or b-parents helps to fill in the missing gaps...but there are always more questions. And probably of the most concern is the question of the re-union and its outcome...will there be more rejection? Will I finally become whole, etc.?Your husband needs to know you would support and help him in any way, but this is a very personal issue and one he will have to decide.I wish you the best.male adoptee

Start by posting what you know, Im looking for my Grandmothers child. Born in 1942 -1945. Tough work, lot to do, I'm lost also.

DO you have any information on his birth such as when, where? I am searching for a 1/2 brother born in 1953 /1954

Hello :) I was wondering what your husbands date of birth is? Or if you stopped looking for his BM?

Hello :) I was wondering what your husbands date of birth is? Or if you stopped looking for his birthmom?

BethVa62, i lmao over your description of your providing info to your husbands mancave. It sounds as tho he needs another adoptee to try to help him thru his rage and frustration. There is no question that all adoptees have their fare share of grief and loss. Sometimes it gets better with the roller coaster effect of re-union. Sometimes, its jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. As a male adoptee, I have searched for 60 years without finding. As a result, the reality seems to be that it's not going to happen. So it's easy to understand the feelings of being incomplete that your husband feels. I wish you the best.