How Do You Handle It?

Each case is different. My fd's mother enter a hospital for treatment, due to a nervous breakdown. She volunteer to place her child in foster care.When she was released from the hospital, she left NY and went to Florida. Thats when the agency change the case to abandonment. A month later, she contacted the agency to get her baby back, but it was to late. She had to go thru the same procedures as everyone else (parenting classes ect....). I have spoken to her several times and she is not a bad person, she is just not ready to raise a child. So, when she agreed to surrender to rights, I opt for an open adoption. I want my Baby Girl to know that her mother didn't give her up because she didn't love her. It's just the opposite. She wanted a better life for her baby that she could not provide. But, like I stated, each case is different.

I our case I have met both parents at the CPS office and spoke briefly with them on several occasions. I really don't think that either of them would do anything to me considering that the CW told me they have had only good things to say about how well their children are doing while in our care. I never offer any information that could be used against anyone. I tell them how they are doing, what's changed, etc. I know that our CW explained to the parents how things worked. What they could do and couldn't, and if they did break the rules that visits would stop, etc. I guess some parents might be crazy enough to try to stop by my house and see their kids, but I don't think they would ever make that mistake twice. Quiet honestly, I'm not the type to worry about that sort of thing and I'm also not the type of person that those people could easily scare. I'm also lucky enough to have a team of workers who won't let the parents know me fi they had any inkling that the parents were crazy enough to do something stupid. I know it's hard to grasp, but people who might physically abuse their children/spouse don't necessarily attack strangers or exhibit crazy behavior outside of their home.

I guess because our only 'fostering' experience was with dh's niece and her dd, and his niece was calling our house, cranked out of her gourd on meth, screaming and carrying on, that's what my fears are based on.

Having an open relationship with birthfamilies (through DCFS) isn't always the best or safest thing. While in other situations it's a wonderful experience. In our sons case. We don't have any contact with his birthmother or her family. She has proven that she can not stay away from drugs and while she had only acted inappropriate once during her visit through DCFS (a long time ago), we just didn't see how we could maintain a relationship with her in her current state, and couldn't forsee that that situation would ever change. I do have their contact info and have considered sending them updates/pictures but have always been afriad of what can of worms I might be opening up. With his birthfather he was in jail the entire time he was in fostercare. He had a pretty scary past and we knew we would have NO contact with him once he was out of jail (other than possible updates/pictures) until we saw proof that his life was changing for the better and that we could trust him. But we do have lots of contact with the paternal birth grandmother and occasionally she brings along our sons older half sister. We usually meet with her once a week and it has been a wonderful experience. She is a very sweet lady and loves her grandson with all her heart and respects our wishes that her son not be involved in our relationship. (unless we someday invite him to be a part). Now that our relationship is more settled and that trust is there we are considering starting more dialoge (updates/pictues) with both birthmother and birthfather. But that will be the extent of it at this point. We are even considering possible visits with them, but if we start that it will be maybe only once a year. Not like the closeness we have with the grandma. Not unless we continue to build that trust with them over time and later feel it's appropriate.

With my foster son, it was mainly because his family was homeless. He wasn't abused or neglected. However, due several issues the family had, they just weren't able to get their act together to regain custody. I see his mom when I pick the baby up from his visits. There isn't always a lot of contact with the bio-family. It varies case-to-case.

I think it just depends on the child, the history and the bparents. You'll do what works for you and is right for your family. I personally do not have any contact with my kids bfamilies and will not put them in that situation until they tell me they want to have contact. What I do wish is I had a picture and a bit more info/stories, so on that front I wouldn't mind being in contact with bmom on my own. Yes, selfish motives there, but it's for my kids and that's my priority. I don't think it's something you really can plan for until you see what all is involved in your child's life and their situation. I wouldn't worry about it at all and just keep an open mind when the time comes and go from there.

We have a great relationship with some of my children's maternal aunts and uncles. Their Gparents are less involved but still have some contact, while their birth parents will have no contact. It really depends on the child's situation. In our case, one aunt and uncle went to nearly all the visits to maintain contact, they were emplyed, clean and sober, and really wanted the kids to be safe and happy. They were extremely supportive to our adoption and even joined us for the ceremony. They come down and spend the night around holidays letting the kids know they didn't lose their family, they just gained parents. They are willing to keep our location private and go out of their way to show the kids they support us. Their involvement has made the whole situation easier for my children and I have been able to ask questions and get pictures along the way, not to mention the new friendship. It doesn't work in every situation but we really wanted it and made it work while maintaining their safety.

Just because you lose your child or children doesn't automatically make you a terrible and unsafe person. Some kids are taken for neglect or due to parents drug use (I would think that would be a huge number of them). Like my SIL told our daughter..."Mommy made the wrong decisions and couldn't keep you safe so now you are going to live with your Aunt and Uncle who will keep you safe." Just because she made the wrong choice doesn't make her such an awful person...she had a rough life and wasn't shown how to parent correctly.

This is true to some extent in our case as well. I try to focus on the poor choices that my kid's bio mom made and the fact that being an addict meant that she just was not strong enough to make good choices because of the hold the alcohol and drugs had over her. We DO have contact with maternal grandmother, auntie and uncle (who, unfortunately, live in another country, but we still have phone and email contact), which can be a tiny bit challenging at times (more so in the beginning) as they have a continuing relationship with their daughter/sister, who lives in the same town we do. BUT... I worked hard to make this work and for it to be a positive thing for my kids, because I feel it is best for them to have that family contact. BTW: We too had the tweaking, early morning, crazy, yelling visits from bio mom in the beginning where she would threaten to burn my house down, etc., if I did not send her kids out to her. Ahhh, memories :evilgrin: Thanks CPS SW who told her where the kids were! The bottom line is that I am open to any relative relationships for my kids as long as it is healthy and appropriate. I would love, at some point (in the distant future, probably) to have a relationship with the bio mom. I truly believe that deep down she loves her kids, and (I pray) that she feels that by giving them up she was making a decision about what was best for them. What can I say, I am a total Pollyanna :) I would like to be able to send her updates so that she knows how great the kids are doing. How happy and healthy they are and that this WAS what is best for them. I am so saddened by the fact that she has 5 kids, with 4 different fathers and has custody of none of them :( I don't think she has contact with any of the kids either, so I would like to be able to let her to know that these two are doing so well.

You just have to take the situation as it comes. My son's bmom has a sezure disporder and is borderline mentally retarded due to a head injurywhen she was a child. She can't parent - but she's also not unsafe with him as long as she is supervised. We do visits with her twice per year. We are required to do one hour - last time we stayed at the park all afternoon. We are starting, slowly, to build a relationship with her and will see where it takes us.

As with other posters; we have openness with bio family other than the birthparents. For my oldest son we have a very open reationship with his paternal grandparents (divorced) and thier significant others, as well as one set of his paternal great grandparents, also with several uncles and a horde of cousins. They are all aware that some elements of thier family have made huge mistakes and are sufferring consequences but none of us want my son to suffer by losing ALL of the family he was born into, espessially if it is not absolutey neccesary. There are times when it does not work, such as my youngest son, who will likely never know his parents (mom is a snatching risk and Dad was deported). But if I thought I coudfind a single mentally healthy relative of either of them, I would because it woud be in his best interest to know them. At present I am trying to locate either of his half-siblings who were placed in foster care in two other states and adopted by foster parents. I am doing this because I want him to have those connections when/if he wants/needs them later on in life. Openness in foster adoption is not easy, it takes a ton of work and sometimes even then it fails. People should also remember that openess has degrees, it can vary from yearly updates via mail to frequent visitation, and it can involve anyone from the birth parents to extended birth family.

I'm going to disagree on this a bit. Being a drug addict does make you unsafe in my view. Not terrible, no, but unsafe. My dh has 3 sibs and a niece that are addicts, and he won't allow them anywhere near our home, myself or the children. He had an apartment cleaned out by a 'clean and sober' brother, and realizes that when someone is addicted, what matters most to them is their next hit of their drug of choice, not anything or anyone else. I guess we'll deal with whatever when we need to. I appreciate the insight and responses I've received!:thanks:

Well, I must say that my personal eye-opener from being on these boards is that relative foster care has got to be the hardest thing there is. I think what you describe above is very typical of the kinds of problems it creates - they have access to you, they feel comfortable getting in your face - they might even turn other family members against you, or at least divide the family so you lose your support network. I DON'T think those same factors generally apply in straight foster or foster/adopt situations.