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We are going to court on Thursday for a Change of Custody for a little girl that just turned two last week. This child is the great niece to the uncle relative custodian and is my first cousin twice removed, according to the supervisor case worker. There's more to this case than I want to write at this time, but for the sake of discussion, here's some info so I can get some advice.
The little girl has already been in our home for the past 7 weeks for 5 days a week, 24 hours at a time. The other two days, she's been going to the custodians who want to give her up, but they wanted to keep the WIC and stipend and me on a short chain. I have done all the work for the sake of the child and had cow towed to their whims and whams just so I could get her out of that pathetic place.
I am hoping that after court on Thursday, all of this struggle will be over; but I am sure this is not going to be peaceful because of the ignorance of the present custodians.
WHAT is the struggle, besides over money? (I'm not struggling, they are p.o.'d that I got the judge's ear and he expedited a hearing to change custody. I took the letter they signed and another I wrote to his office on September 29, 2008; he immediately named us as relative caregivers even before we went to court, we had the case reopened in court two weeks later, I had a home study within 4 days and all has been approved, and we go to court to officially do the change of custody on October 30, 2008.) The present custodians were not planning on us going to court until next June at the earliest and were even telling me that they were going to claim her on next year's taxes because if we didn't go to court until June '09, then she wouldn't officially be with us for the necessary 7 months to claim her on our taxes. Sigh. Anyway,...
Here's my itch. Present custodian called me yesterday to tell me to have the child and ALL of her clothes ready to be picked up this morning because she decided that she was keeping her until court on Thursday. One of the reasons we have had her was BECAUSE she was WILD with them. She could not control her, she fought, spit, bit, hit, ran crazy, would throw up on this woman and just hated being around the woman caregiver. (There is more to this story, but I'll stop here.) The woman STILL gives cough syrup to this child which makes her so drowsy to calm her down. This beautiful child is nothing like this around our family! So, she's going to have her for five days.
I called the case worker because there are other issues, too, and he said it was up to me. I could tell her to do the two days then bring her home or just let her go. I said to her very gently and concerned that I hoped that 'the child' was not going to be so confused with staying with them so long, since we had worked so well together to get her used to being her so this would be a smooth transition to our home. She said, "Well, this is just like a divorce custody case. We're all relatives and we've decided that we're not giving up custody unless we do it like this. She's just going to have to get use to coming with us anyway. THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A DIVORCE. We're going to get it in writing or we're not going for it. Do you understand? WE are the custodians and we call the shots." or something very close to that.
I told her that was true until Thursday, however, the judge named us as relative care givers and she was to be here to sleep. So, our arrangements were that she could sleep at her house two nights, but I expect her to be home on Monday night. And I asked her to be sensitive to the child's non verbal behavior and if she started acting out negatively, to please bring her home. I held my tongue and didn't say "don't drug her like you normally do". I hate this. I really do!
I am an adoptive mom. I've never dealt with a situation like this. The grandmother of this child is dying and she begged me to "get the baby". The grandmother WANTED ME TO GET THIS BABY from this woman! She told me that once I met her, then I'd understand. I never knew about this little girl before August 5th. The people that have her now got her when she was 10 months old. She was put into foster care from birth. The foster parents wanted to adopt her but they did not know who the father was, who then turned out to be my cousin's son, who was in prison. When the father found out he had a little girl, he called his mother who was very sick in the hospital, who then called on her aging brother who took in this little girl for the past 15 months. This little girl has been sleeping with this 59 year old man and his wife and seen a lot and has been acting it out since she's been at my house. I AM SICK. I've told the social worker and her doctor.... and we have all decided to try to wait this out one more week. They left it up to me because I am the one with the evidence and photos of neglect from the WOMAN caretaker when her husband was out of town. You can all imagine the situation that I am in. THIS WILL TEAR TWO FAMILIES APART and there is NO telling what could happen in that marriage. The present relative care custodian husband uncle ADORES this little girl and is the one that wanted to take her, the wife didn't. There is no telling what he would do to the wife if he saw my photos. My husband said I should just not do anything this time... since we're so close to it being over. But I'm not so sure it will be over. There's more trouble to come unless I get advice or help.
So, WHAT DO I DO? The present custodians call themselves 'grandparent' names because they have a grandchild already living with them and this little girl coming to us uses that name. They have portrayed to the court that they just want to remain grandparents and have WRITTEN grandparent visitation rights EVEN if we adopt. I say BS. So does my husband. These people were distant relatives for a REASON.
These people have no idea about bonding issues nor put the needs of this child first. I have clear evidence of neglect, too. With a family member dying, I am really in a Catch 22 here. I'm ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't. The pediatrician and social worker both know it's a lot of ignorance, greed, apathy, pride, and power we're dealing with. Add stupidity and you almost have the picture.
How do you deal with stupid? How do you deal with visitation with former foster care situation? THEY WANT ALL HOLIDAYS, OVERNIGHTS OF TWICE A WEEK.
I don't want her to feel abandoned by them. She does not cry for them at all. She NEVER, EVER calls for them. If she ever says that she loves so and so, I say, "and so and so loves you, too!". I always reaffirm the affection she feels for anyone.
I am so frustrated right now over how all of this is going.
I am not a spring chicken. I'm 49, and a mother of four 28, 23, 16, 15. My husband is already having a cow over us taking this little girl, but I feel called to take her. I' believe we are to have her. Your advice is deeply appreciated.
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