The Ultimate Paradox - long

I fell in love with a man who was an infant adoptee. He was adopted by the brother (and his wife) of his birth mother, so in a way I have to think that wasn't as bad as a non-familial adoption. He very much resembles the other males in the family, and there are many of them. I don't know what that means in terms of the "mirroring" he was provided as he was a developing infant, but I know what the effect of not having the love and care of the birth mother did to him. He's 41 years old and I'm 49. When we met I questioned our age difference but he said and did all the right things at the time. As our relationship developed, it seemed that was the truth, but there were other things that would crop up now and again that didn't make sense, that he explained away so cavalier-ly, and loving him and not wanting to lose him, I let it go. That, I think, was the beginning of the pain growing inside me, in the pit of my gut, which I now know was telling me all along in our four year relationship that something wasn't right. I did not know what it was, but I felt like the yo yo on the end of a string. He would jerk and back I would come, and then he would just let go. It took me a long time to meet his family, a lot longer than someone in love in a "normal" relationship. He was different, I knew he had been adopted, he had other issues that were related, but I loved the difference I saw in him to other men and I totally missed that being adopted would have the effect it did. We made it through trial after trial, he had let so many things go in his life like taxes, the house, etc. I thought I was dealing with a man that had been through a terrible ordeal with a previous marriage and needed someone to support him emotionally while he got back on his feet. I helped him through a lot of those problems. We ended up living together for two and a half years and it seemed like we could weather anything. Still, I had this pain in my gut that would wash over me in a regular cycle, and I just couldn't figure it out. When times were good, they were great! When they weren't, I knew that it was because he didn't mean some of the things he said. I would catch the little white lie, I would notice the indecision, I could feel the void inside him. Still, I did not relate any of our problems to adoption. He asked me to marry him and that's when the trouble really started. What other group could I tell that we were planning a wedding (I say we, and it was really ME) and growing further and further apart every day, and I couldn't seem to stop it. The look in his eyes was a dead giveaway - it was like he was watching me the whole time he was pulling away, watching me from a distance, to see how I would react. I think now it clearly was the splits in his development, the little hury boy who is in control was watching us disintegrate. It was like a part of him was daring me to call him on it, even as he was denying that was happening to us and making me feel like I was paranoid. I ended up blaming myself and started self destructing behaviors like eating too much, drinking, etc. Three weeks before the wedding date, I packed some of my things and ran. Little did I know that would be the ultimate betrayal. I still didn't know what the issue was. Fortunately for me, I work in a school district in the preschool program, with infants and toddlers. On the day we should have left for our honeymoon I had gone back to work to keep my mind off of my heartbreak and my team of teachers was in an attachment disorder training. I snuck into the room with lunch on my cart for their break and on the screen was a video showing a child acting out due to having been adopted, and the voice over was explaining how adopted children have different behaviors to cope with their pain, etc. I WAS STUNNED, to say the least. His A-mother had told me how he was as a child and there I was, watching that very behavior on the video. It has been three months since I left and he acts like I'm from Mars, with antenna and purple spots. I have done everything I can think of, including reading every adoptee book I can get my hands on (God Bless You, Nancy Verrier), to get him to understand how scared and confused I felt at his behavior, at not knowing what was happening. And yet, I can still feel the denial, even as he's reading chapters in the book of the very behavior he displays. I have never been in such a heartbreaking situation in my life. I have never known such pain, as to love someone who is incapable of loving back. Yet, sometimes it feels like an act, even when I know it is just defenses. He has since lost his third job in the four years we were together, and in the same paragraph telling me what happened, he said "I was losing it already, before we had problems", and then "I need counseling, because since you left my life's been in a tailspin and that's why I lost my job". I called him on it, and he said (predictably) that it was a little bit of both situations. He has never been able to handle authority, he has lost every job - yes, EVERY job - he's had, and there has been a lot of them, and I wonder every day if there is hope for him. I gave him the books, I have explained what happened to us a hundred times, and I have tried to find some logic in this situation which is most illogical. I don't know where else to turn. But I want someone to hear me - I love him, I tried my hardest, and I am still letting him make me feel like the bad guy. I just pray to God that the reason for this becomes clear to me one day and, more importantly, to him, too. But how can the man hope to get a message when the little boy is in control of every aspect of his life? How can he even hope to receive a message from a God that he doesn't want to believe in, because his rationalization is what kind of God would let this happen to a baby?? How do you rationalize with a man who is a hundred twisted rationalizations ahead of you? Thank you all for reading my pain. Please pray for us. Y