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The title pretty much sums it up, but I'll explain more. My dh was adopted. All of the children born to his bmom were removed at some point or other, but only 3 of them were actually adopted...from the ones that have been found, that is. We know that there are other missing sibs in the equation. Turns out, one of the missing is looking. BIL reapplied for his adoption info (he'd misplaced what he'd received) and was also given a heads up that another brother was wanting contact. That was almost a year ago, and BIL mentioned it this past wknd. Both BIL and my dh are wary of yet another sib. Out of the 7 found so far, only 3 of them are able to maintain healthy relationships...by which I mean no drugs, criminal activity, compulsive lying, etc. As BIL put it, "I don't know if I can deal with anymore 'family drama'" I pointed out that just as they were once searching, and needed to find, so does this brother. If nothing else, he deserves the same respect they received, to know what info they can share. Both of them are in the burned/shy place, and given the toxic nature of the other sibs, its no wonder... I'm just not sure what if anything to do here. I know that my dh looks to me for support, etc...and not mentioning it would be taken as a negative...but I don't want to push in any way either.
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If I was in your dh's shoes and I did not contact now, down the road I think I would regret it. He knows what it could turn out like so he can be alert to the signs. Tell him you will support him contacting and will be there for him to bring any concern to you, and you will try to give him and unbiased opinion based solely on the facts. That may help him feel able to meet his borther. Hope that made sense. Kind regards,Dickons
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I can understand how you would both be wary of another brother found could be like the majority. However, you won't know until he is found. He could be just fine and a wonderful addition. It is scary. DH is the youngest of 8. They all grew up together but we really only connect with 2 of his siblings. The rest have the same issues you mentioned. My a-brother is also like that. My DH will try and spend time with one of the others and is always disappointed. He is very forgiving and I deep down wishes they were different. Anyway, I digress. Please keep us posted on what happens.
I offered to 'screen' the other sib if it made things any easier...do a search of the name, etc. See if there's anything in public record re: criminal activity. (I only wish I were kidding)...Basically, be whatever buffer they (dh/BIL) thought they may need, if they need. I'm going to talk to dh about it some more tomorrow. If nothing else, I think it would be nice for at least a phone call or email...esp this time of year. We'll see what happens.
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I think if I was in your DH and BIL's shoes that I would try to make contact with other sibs, especially if one is looking to make contact - they might be missing out on fantastic relationships by being so negative. just because some of the Sibs have issues, does not mean they all do - or your hubby and Bil would, so maybe they ought to give their sibs a chance before judging them to be someone they would not want a relationship with before even knowing them - maybe their sibs would feel that way about them. They should not think they are better than their sibs they havent met just because they don't care for the lives other sibs lead JMHO[/FONT]
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Good evening to all....yes it is I, with my 2 cents worth....My perspective on this is of such, what I know with 10 sibs. If your were to meet each of us, you would never guess, WE were of the same family. I have a sister 2 yrs. younger , whom has drawn welfare for over 22 yrs now. I , on the other hand have NEVER felt the need to do so. Even when I relinquished my twins, I had never pondered that thought. Point being, she felt entitled to it, I felt it is there for those whom fall upon difficult times and have no choice. Moral of my journey is that, your DH& BIL, may be worn slick from the sibs they have dealt with, but not all are of the same min-frame, or enviroment. Does this make sense to you. I also commend you on being a true "PARTNER" to your DH, keep doing what you are doing, offer your truth on the problems that arise, and let them know your are not going anywhere, and when they need you to chime in...you will! Blessings , please continue to come, for I am sure there are many whom live the same experience and would love to know your outcome! Happy Hoildays to all...Blessings!:cheer:
snow princess
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]I think if I was in your DH and BIL's shoes that I would try to make contact with other sibs, especially if one is looking to make contact - they might be missing out on fantastic relationships by being so negative. just because some of the Sibs have issues, does not mean they all do - or your hubby and Bil would, so maybe they ought to give their sibs a chance before judging them to be someone they would not want a relationship with before even knowing them - maybe their sibs would feel that way about them. They should not think they are better than their sibs they havent met just because they don't care for the lives other sibs lead JMHO[/FONT]
Spoke with dh briefly about it today, he's simply not receptive to pursuing things at this point. He doesn't want to deal with any more of his family at this point. As he put it, "Its not a fairytale ending kind of situation. I just don't need this, WE don't need this in our lives right now." So, of course, I need to respect that, and support his decision. If things hadn't gone so badly with 4 of the 6 sibs he had met, then I'm sure he'd feel more open, but reunion has proven to be a painful thing for him, and its going to take a while before he's ready to stick his head in the mouth of the lion again, so to speak.